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Monday, December 14, 2009

To discuss a Cosmo review: December 2009

I better get this December Cosmopolitan review to you, as the January one has already hit the shelves. That, and I know you need to use the money you'd use to buy Cosmo on presents instead. You stingy minx.

In this edition, we get news on what guys want with sex (My guess: having it), weird things guys shout out during sex, and a very, very strange product for your who-who. As always, if you think Cosmo is dirty filth, don't read this.

Although everyone should check the special message at the end. It's brought to you by Christmas cheer.

And now on to the Cosmo review...
  • Cosmo Hot Sheet: Hey, an appearance by Cosmo fave, Aubrey O'Day. But, as usual, it's for a "Not So Hot" moment, as they dislike her "I Love Me" shirt. Can they just make her the cover subject already? Who wouldn't want to see them try to make her sound classy?
  • Sexiest photo I've seen so far is about 46 pages in. Damn you, saucy JC Penney ads, with you and your come hither lingerie models.
  • Cover subject Fergie: There's a one-line mention in her feature that she was addicted to meth. There are multiple paragraphs about her husband, Josh Duhamel. Don't be jealous, meth. Josh was in "Transformers." You're only featured in MTV "True Life" documentaries.
  • Cosmo makes the argument girls are more likely to dig a guy who is already in a relationship. So while you hear guys say, "The good girls are already taken," evidently the girls say, "The good guys are already taken!"
  • Quick side note: While I do this review on the December issue, my girlfriend is reading the January issue. This is what makes relationships work.
  • Cosmo Hot or Not: Cosmo gives special skank recognition to "The Cuchini," which hides camel toe. Not to be confused with zucchini, which is for salads and vagi... yes, just salads. P.S. We both know you clicked on that link.
  • "Hidden Secrets His Hug Reveals": Advice such as "The farther down your body his hands travel, the more fired up he is." Examples: If his hand is inside your pants, he is hoping to have sex with you. If his hand is by your ankles, well, get ready for an all-nighter.
  • How much of Sarah Jessica Parker's original face do you think is left in this heavily-Photoshopped "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" ad, featured in Cosmo? 20 percent? 15?
  • "Make His #1 Sex Wish Come True." Advice includes sending naughty photos and whispering in his ear you need to have sex with him -- now. This advice works so well, the near-naked male model being straddled by the gorgeous near-naked female model in the accompanying photo does not have an erection. At all. Maybe she needs to whisper louder."
  • Bizarre In-Bed Outbursts": "He shoots, he scores!" Really, dude? Really? What did you score, conception of a bastard child?
  • "Seven Habits That Are Giving You Belly Pudge." Examples: You Skips Meals, You Think Bread Is Bad, You Booze a Lot But Infrequently. Another possibility: You eat a lot, don't exercise and your New Year's Resolution is to find a more efficient way to suck the cream out of a Twinkie.
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On to something much more worthy of our attention. Some friends of mine, including Rainbow Eclipse, decided to skip the gift-giving this year and instead raise money for cleft-lip or cleft palete surgery for babies, done through Smile Train.
If you'd like to donate (say, the amount of money you saved by not reading Cosmo this month), please visit this link. I would have made this request it's own post, but I knew it's easier to get people's attention with Cosmo sex quizzes. I'm evil like that.
Click here to lend your support to: Smile Train Christmas and make a donation at www.pledgie.com !

8 comments:

Herding Cats said...

I'm really glad I don't subscribe to that magazine anymore. Your edition is always way better.

Kellie said...

I don't think I could make it through an issue of Cosmo so thank you for doing that for us.

Soda and Candy said...

Hahahahahaa, JC Penney lingerie models.

Shoot for the stars, Andy, shoot for the stars.

Also, cuchini - *shudder* wtf?

Amy xxoo said...

Funnily enough that Cuchini thing was featured on a list of naughty presents in a mens magazine here in Australia.

That being said, if Mr Gil buys me one i might throw it at him....

Sam_I_am said...

I've actually seen advertisements for the "Cuchini" before. Speaking of cameltoe, remember the song by the Fanny Pack? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7NK_b5tY9A

lbluca77 said...

I've missed your Cosmo reviews.

I'm back to blogging.
http://sothisismygig.wordpress.com/

amindinmotown said...

Actually, I didn't click the link. 'Cause I'm at work. And I just didn't know if that would be a wise decision for my journalim career...

*~Dani~* said...

I did not, in fact, click that link because I have mad willpower. Mad, I tell you!

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