Tuesday, January 19, 2010

To discuss a Cosmo review: January 2010

I'm confused by the January edition of Cosmopolitan magazine. It promises me 100 percent hotter sex ... which is impossible, because that means you were having 0% sex before. That means you were either getting it on with the Virgin Mary (and in that case, you may be Jesus' dad), or you are confused and thought having sex involved mommy and daddy and a stork.

But, because of all of you, I will read on and give you all the insight you need, saving you time and money in the process. There may even be a Maxim review on the way, too.

Side note: As part of my New Year's resolutions, I'm hoping to get an article published in a magazine at some point. I am confident I've got the skills to write for Cosmo, but have no idea what to pitch for a story. Ideas are welcome. I wonder if I should mention in my query letter that Ben and I wrote an entire fake Cosmo?

And now on to the Cosmo review... as always, don't read this if you don't like rated-R content or were offended by my Virgin Mary joke.
  • Cosmo cover: Your Hoo-Ha Handbook: Get a Healthy, Sexy Vagina. Step 1: Don't call it your hoo-ha. Step 2: I've never heard a guy say, "I'd date that girl, but her hoo-ha is just not sexy enough." Never.
  • Hot Sheet: Kissing and Telling... Ijustmadelove.com lets people brag about where they got it on. I'm not sure yet if this site is disturbing, fascinating, arousing or all of the above. For instance, this guy in my state wrote that he and his girl got it on at an elementary school playground. But he doesn't mention how old the girl is ... hmm.
  • Cover girl Amanda Bynes: Something about her is off-putting, and I can't figure out what. Might be that she's randomly on the recent covers of both Cosmo and Maxim. Might be the fake blond hair. Might be that I remember her on "All That" when she was 11, and now she's 23 and has boobs. This must be what Bob Saget felt like looking at Jodie Sweetin.
  • Sexy vs. Skanky: Mary Carey's soccer ball cleavage is skanky. Somewhere, Snookie is sniffling and confused.
  • Cosmo Guy Confessions: A guy and his girlfriend picked out a vibrator to buy at a sex shop, only to be told by the cashier that was a lousy model and to choose a different one. Imagined conversation: "Oh, no, you don't want Purple Thunder. Try our most popular brand, the Tiger Woods In My Hoo-Ha."
  • The Guy Report: Dumb advice he's getting- 'There's nothing worse than staring at a girl's chest. You should use your skills not to look--she'll wonder why her womanly powers don't work, and she'll subconsciously try to get you to look.' On the other hand, Cosmo spend time each month advising women to use cleavage to their advantage. Something's got to give. Maybe women should just give guys 10 uninterrupted seconds to get the staring out of the way. Or guys can show more man cleavage to even things out. Either way.
  • Sexy Tips from Victoria's Secret Models, such as bending forward when fastening a bra to get extra cleavage, or wearing boy-cut hipsters to feel sexy without silly lingerie. Andy's tip: Don't wear Angel Wings into the bedroom. You'll poke an eye out, and look like a slutty Tinkerbell.
  • Your biggest girl-on-top worries, solved: 'What if I break his penis?' Bouncing too enthusiastically and missing the target... can hurt your guy. Make sure he doesn't pull out all the way. And if you do break his penis, you'll get the bonus benefit of seeing your man cry like a little bitch.
  • Does Your Man Have A Sole Sex Problem? Tell him he's seemed dissatisfied during sex... then mention that you read in Cosmo that masturbating too much can make it hard to orgasm. Yep. You should definitely tell your boyfriend that you read about his masturbating problem in Cosmo and want to help. That won't be weird for him at all.
  • Make Your Own Nude: Cut out your favorite hottie's head, and attach it to our model bod to create pure naked nirvana. Why go with their obvious choices, like Robert Pattinson or Brad Pitt?

Let's think outside the box:

Naked Mr. Feeny of Boy Meets World!
Naked Peter Griffin of Family Guy!
Naked Wild ARS Chase!


Anonymous said...

LMAO - what is on your head in that picture? A Stocking?

Ben said...

They picked a TERRIBLE photo of her for some reason. Her smile is not cute.

Herding Cats said...

Oh Andy, you remind me how much I despise freaking Cosmo! Thank you!

Kellie said...

That is hilarious. I love your Snookie comment too. So right on!

Soda and Candy said...

But slutty Tinkerbell is the best kind of Tinkerbell!

Also, Amanda Bynes appears to have worked very hard to erase any hint of individuality or personality she may ever have had, the poor thing.

stealthnerd said...

Mr. F... F... F... Feeny

Also, as a side note that I assume you'll find amusing: my word verification today was "balsie." It seemed fairly appropriate for today somehow.

Andy said...

Alexis- That's actually a headband, and the photo is from the cover of the WildARSChase/No Ordinary Rollercoaster fake Cosmo
Ben- She is not looking good. And her boobs look fake, even if they are probably real
Herding- Consider it my charitable donation
Kellie- I think I've made a Jersey Shore reference 6 straights posts
Soda- I liked her better on All That
Nerd- I knew you'd appreciate the Mr Feeny reference

jen - tsk said...

Naked Peter Griffin is amazing!

justsomethoughts... said...

1. you are WAY hotter than peter griffin
2. she is really not very good looking at all.
3. 2 is one hundred percent more than 1. not that it's very much

Andy said...

Jen- I would have had a naked Stewie, but let's not get weird.
Thoughts- Well, sure, but you can't have two times the sex. It's a 0-100 scale. Unless you're Angelina Jolie, and then it's 0-150, with 150 involving Billy Bob Thornton.

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