To discuss a Maxim review: February 2010

Despite being eminently popular with Google searches, I haven't had the chance to do a Maxim review lately. And then, when I finally get to do one, Amanda Bynes is on the cover. What do I have to do to get away from Amanda Bynes? First Cosmo, now this. And that cover photo looks like she just woke up at an all-night study session that ended in a half-naked mistake. Oh well. It's the February 2010 Maxim review. Don't read on if you're offended by Maxim, scandalous photo links or Tiger Woods jokes.

• Reader letter: "Your models always wear the sexiest panties. Luckily my girlfriend puts me in charge of buying all her intimates. Where can i buy the stuff your ladies wear?" Let me translate: "OMG you guys, I want to buy panties just like the ones on your models. For, um, my *cough* girlfriend *cough*. Can I get them online so no one has to see me buy them?"
• Five Airlines That Cater to Your Every Vice: Porn- Alaska Airlines is one of the only wi-fi equipped airlines that does not block inappropriate content. So besides the crying baby, the morbidly obese seatmate, the loud cell phone talker and the snorer, I now have to deal with "party in his pants" guy? I hope he's not the one sitting beside the emergency exit, or "open the hatch" will be too many entendres to handle.
• Women of the World: Camila Tavare. I'm including this NSFW link for all the Google sexytime searchers, who, we now know, are going to view her near-naked picture while on Alaska Airlines. Camila may be incredibly sexy, but she's 20 years old. Which means she could have been born in 1990. Andddddddd flaccid.
• Michelle Branch was in Maxim? Whose next, Vanessa Carlton?
• Happy Valentine's Day... The world's sappiest holiday is the best night of the year for no-strings sex ... "Something about the fact that it was Valentine's Day made me feel way sluttier than normal," said Jenny, 25. And now the mystery is solved. We now know who gets all those "For a good time call..." messages in rest stop bathrooms. It's Jenny.
• Cover girl Amanda Bynes: OK, not to get too graphic, but the (non-nude) sheer dress in this photo makes it look like she has cameltoe. And, in a fun fact, did you know Nick Cannon was on "All That" with Amanda? Neither did Mariah. Mariah is going to stab that bitch.
• Bynes: ""Some people still see me as a kid, but I'm a 23-year-old woman now." The Olsen twins are legal, too, but that still makes it creepy.
  
• Tiger's temptress: A photo spread with Tiger's mistress, Jaimee Grubbs. Jaimee says her first time with Tiger was "passionate and sweet." That sound you heard was Elin smashing an eight iron on Tiger's golf cart. BTW, Jaimee is not an attractive woman. Why has this not been brought up?
  
• 31 Things You Absolutely Did Not Need to Know: Snippets from real celeb autobiographies. Sarah Palin "If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?" Actually, he made them out of carbon, but why get technical. Carbon tastes delicious after a 20 minutes on the grill.
  
• For my British readers: London native Keeley Hazell, who is famous for being a Page 3 Girl (a semi-nude model) in The Sun newspaper. Clearly, I'm working at the wrong type of newspaper. Keeley says her big chest causes big backaches. This assuredly is true, but Maxim readers probably don't want to her busty girls say there back hurts. What's next, that girls don't like going down on guys?

To discuss a magazine review: From GQ to Wine Spectator

As of today, Capricorn and I have subscriptions to the following magazines:

1. Esquire
2. GQ
3. Cosmopolitan
4. Vanity Fair
5. Entertainment Weekly
6. Maxim
7. AARC Times
   
8. Respiratory Care Journal
   
9. Wine Spectator

We're not sure how Capricorn got subscribed to Wine Spectator. It just keeps showing up. Capricorn believes that now makes her a wino, not to be confused with a Winehouse, who also loves to drink wine but combines it with black tar heroin.

But that gives us 9 magazines. Wait! Ten magazines- I get ESPN the Magazine digitally.

Considering I'm in the media, and that I blog about Cosmo and Maxim (a Maxim review will be up soon), I think that's a good amount. Plus, I want to write for a magazine at some point. So its job research. It's much cheaper than buying them in the store. That, and I can save the embarrassment of trying to buy Cosmo for myself.

Entertainment Weekly and Vanity Fair were recent add-ons, as they were practically giving them away on Amazon.com. EW is the trash, VF is the class. Unless it's that naked Miley Cyrus issue. Then everybody's a loser.

Esquire and GQ are both for entertainment, style and great features. That, and a fair amount of thinly-veiled nipples, which in many ways are sexier than Playboy nipple -- I prefer to Where's Waldo my photo nipples, as you appreciate it much more when you find it.

So where does it stop? Do we keep adding subscriptions until we resemble gas station magazine rack? If we get any more magazines, I'll have to start drinking more fluids to add to my bathroom reading time. There's only so much time in the day.

Do we start subscribing to everything we see, from Cat Fancy to World of Warcraft Official Magazine to Girls & Corpses? Playboy keeps sending me offers in the mail for a steeply-discounted subscription, blithely unaware I can see all the nude girls I want online for free, or on most episodes of "True Blood." Eventually, Hef will learn about the World Wide Web.

What magazines do you subscribe to? If you answer World of Warcraft, please stop following my blog. I won't hold it against you. Society will, but I won't. But if you have a magazine subscription you're ashamed of, now is the time to confess. Meme this up...

To discuss a Cosmo review: January 2010

I'm confused by the January edition of Cosmopolitan magazine. It promises me 100 percent hotter sex ... which is impossible, because that means you were having 0% sex before. That means you were either getting it on with the Virgin Mary (and in that case, you may be Jesus' dad), or you are confused and thought having sex involved mommy and daddy and a stork.

But, because of all of you, I will read on and give you all the insight you need, saving you time and money in the process. There may even be a Maxim review on the way, too.

Side note: As part of my New Year's resolutions, I'm hoping to get an article published in a magazine at some point. I am confident I've got the skills to write for Cosmo, but have no idea what to pitch for a story. Ideas are welcome. I wonder if I should mention in my query letter that Ben and I wrote an entire fake Cosmo?

And now on to the Cosmo review... as always, don't read this if you don't like rated-R content or were offended by my Virgin Mary joke.
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• Cosmo cover: Your Hoo-Ha Handbook: Get a Healthy, Sexy Vagina. Step 1: Don't call it your hoo-ha. Step 2: I've never heard a guy say, "I'd date that girl, but her hoo-ha is just not sexy enough." Never.
  
• Hot Sheet: Kissing and Telling... Ijustmadelove.com lets people brag about where they got it on. I'm not sure yet if this site is disturbing, fascinating, arousing or all of the above. For instance, this guy in my state wrote that he and his girl got it on at an elementary school playground. But he doesn't mention how old the girl is ... hmm.
• Cover girl Amanda Bynes: Something about her is off-putting, and I can't figure out what. Might be that she's randomly on the recent covers of both Cosmo and Maxim. Might be the fake blond hair. Might be that I remember her on "All That" when she was 11, and now she's 23 and has boobs. This must be what Bob Saget felt like looking at Jodie Sweetin.
• Sexy vs. Skanky: Mary Carey's soccer ball cleavage is skanky. Somewhere, Snookie is sniffling and confused.
• Cosmo Guy Confessions: A guy and his girlfriend picked out a vibrator to buy at a sex shop, only to be told by the cashier that was a lousy model and to choose a different one. Imagined conversation: "Oh, no, you don't want Purple Thunder. Try our most popular brand, the Tiger Woods In My Hoo-Ha."
• The Guy Report: Dumb advice he's getting- 'There's nothing worse than staring at a girl's chest. You should use your skills not to look--she'll wonder why her womanly powers don't work, and she'll subconsciously try to get you to look.' On the other hand, Cosmo spend time each month advising women to use cleavage to their advantage. Something's got to give. Maybe women should just give guys 10 uninterrupted seconds to get the staring out of the way. Or guys can show more man cleavage to even things out. Either way.
• Sexy Tips from Victoria's Secret Models, such as bending forward when fastening a bra to get extra cleavage, or wearing boy-cut hipsters to feel sexy without silly lingerie. Andy's tip: Don't wear Angel Wings into the bedroom. You'll poke an eye out, and look like a slutty Tinkerbell.
  
• Your biggest girl-on-top worries, solved: 'What if I break his penis?' Bouncing too enthusiastically and missing the target... can hurt your guy. Make sure he doesn't pull out all the way. And if you do break his penis, you'll get the bonus benefit of seeing your man cry like a little bitch.
• Does Your Man Have A Sole Sex Problem? Tell him he's seemed dissatisfied during sex... then mention that you read in Cosmo that masturbating too much can make it hard to orgasm. Yep. You should definitely tell your boyfriend that you read about his masturbating problem in Cosmo and want to help. That won't be weird for him at all.
• Make Your Own Nude: Cut out your favorite hottie's head, and attach it to our model bod to create pure naked nirvana. Why go with their obvious choices, like Robert Pattinson or Brad Pitt?
  
  

Let's think outside the box:

Naked Mr. Feeny of Boy Meets World!

Naked Peter Griffin of Family Guy!

Naked Wild ARS Chase!

To discuss a Maxim review: October 2009

It's been a few months since the last Maxim or Cosmo review, after taking time off to focus on We Are Cosmo. But, once I got the October edition of Maxim in the mail, I knew it was time to revive what is one of the guilty pleasures for Wild ARS Chase readers. Why? Look who's on the cover. It's a gold mine.

So here's the October 2009 review. As always, there's links to some of the sexytime photos so I could make this post relatively safe for work, and, again, go to confession or whatever you usually do after reading naughty goodness:

• Audrine Partridge is not not attractive, in the best use of a double-negative possible. She is in shape. She has long, wavy hair. She's got nice skin. And her boobs could milk multiple babies at once, a veritable boob trough. But... but... there's just something about her that makes me not want to fantasize about her. Ever. It might be the dead look in her eyes. It steals souls.
  
• Audrina is doing whatever it takes to convince me she is sexy. On the Contents page, she's wearing shear panties with a sports car behind her and a hose spouting water between her V-shaped legs. Funny- I figured she'd melt in water.
  
• Potentially awesome site: Koogle.co.Il It's a search site designed for Orthodox Jews so they can't "accidentally" stumble upon photos of immodestly-dressed women. Just like I used to "accidentally" stumble upon those same photos as a 13-year-old boy. I stand by my story, mom. Celebrity who by default will have no photos available through Koogle: Megan Fox. (note: I had trouble getting the site to work. Perhaps because I'm Presbyterian)
  
• Celebrity women must be terrified to go on the beach. Every inch of them is analyzed for perfection. For example: Maxim's Celebrity Beach Watch: 15 Hottest Bods, which is just a haphazard, random assortment of 15 women who happened to not have PMS bloating and did a few extra crunches the day paparazzi caught them seaside. I'm guessing the girls have nervous breakdowns just thinking about the ocean. Unless you're Jennifer Love Hewitt, and then you just say, screw what you think, I was in "Can't Hardly Wait."
  
• Women behinds bars: Maxim has a monthly feature with a bartender babe dispensing advice. Except the advice is almost always: "Just be confident and nice, and don't use dumb pick-up lines." That'd be great, if not for the fact women go home with the douche toolbag who compared her pants to a mirror.
  
• A great line by "Jennifer's Body" director Karyn Kusama, on watching her Megan-Fox led movie: "I hope it's a little bit more of a complicated experience than just giving guys boners." From what I've heard about the movie... well, at least it's got Megan Fox.
  
• Maxim recommends some new TV shows debuting this fall: Among them: Glee. I'm sure a lot of Maxim readers are into a show about glee club. Now, I watch the show, but I also read Cosmo. Side note: Glee is overrated, unrealistic and lacks focus.
  
• Unexpected awesome photo: "So You Think You Can Dance" host Cat Deeley in a leather one-piece. Unexpected non-awesome related Google search: Maxim evidently ripped off the photo from a cover shoot last year for the international magazine, Arena. Maxim used the same, year-old photo, but flipped it around.
  
• Sex section: 'Today's Special: Your Waitress': Tips on how to sleep with a waitress. Advice includes things like don't excessively compliment or give huge tips. I'd try telling them to wear more flair, or not mentioning how you like the word "manure."
• Cover girl Audrina Patridge, "star" of slasher flick "Sorority Row": First thing- Audrina's boobs don't move. They have the same shape whether she's upright or bent over. Second thing: Her boobs are still more lifelike than Heidi's, which is like saying a zombie is more alive than a vampire. Third thing- She's got the same expression in every photo, an expression of "come hither/look I'm being sexy/is this going to be in a magazine like you promised, sir, because last time wasn't cool."
• Audrina, on her upcoming reality show, "The Audrina Show": "It's, like, real." Not sure what's left to be said.
  
• "The 13 Most Unintentionally Scary Movies Scenes of All Time." Entries include the baby coming out of Katie Heigl's vagina in "Knocked Up" and Kathy Bates' nude scene in "About Schmidt." Omitted: Seth Rogen's character having sex in Knocked Up.
• "Vampire Diaries" star Kayla Ewell is in six-inch heels, bejeweled panties, no bra and chewing on a piece of hay: Who hasn't been in that situation before? Maxim upholds its journalistic integrity once again.
• "Liquid Trust" ad for a scientifically-formulated (in some dude's basement) trust potion: Great, all we need are a bunch of lonely lunatics thinking they can convince a girl to trust them. "Get in my windowless van, it'll be safe in there, trust me. Oh, and drink this real quick."
  

To discuss a Maxim review: July

My August Cosmo review will come as soon as Cosmo decides to bestow its latest edition upon my mailbox. They are hella slow. But Maxim? Once I subscribed (for blog purposes, people), I not only got the latest issue, I got two recent ones. Customer service!
Here's the July 2009 review. As always, there's links to some of the sexytime photos so I could make this post relatively safe for work, and, again, go to confession or whatever you usually do after reading naughty goodness:

• I'm not sure if Olivia Wilde is showing her nipple on the cover shot in her sheer top, or if I just spilled something. Not sure I can get aroused over cola. Hey, who am I kidding.
• Olivia is already setting new marks in the "not naked, but as close as I can get it" with the Contents page. She's wearing two strips of fabrics-- literally, just strips of fabrics-- hung vertically over her boobs. I admire her dedication and her apparently cold-resistant nipples.
• Why do Newport ads look like they are stuck in the late 1980s? It's almost like they stopped trying and figured, "Hey, our customers are going to smoke anyways, why try to impress nonsmokers with the latest advertising designs?"
• New pop singer Jessie James decided to up her credibility quotient with the ever-classy Q&A-plus-photo of my button up shirt not buttoned. I have yet to bump into a girl on the street who just thought it be better to go braless with an unbuttoned shirt. Maxim is a liar.
• Surviving the Barbecue From Hell: Maxim offers tips on everything from helping an uncle who is choking to fighting off a bear attack. Not mentioned: How fend off a Yogi the Bear attack. I suggest putting a steel claw inside the pic-a-nic basket.
• Maxim Music Reviews: Maxim recommends Wilco, Mars Volta and... Rob Thomas?!? Did someone transport me back to eighth grade, and I just missed it? Oh, crap, that means I'm 30 pounds lighter, have braces and no social skills. But I've got Matchbox 20!
• Stuff: Fill Your Inner Emptiness With Material Goods... '10 Chevy Camaro vs. '10 Ford Mustang: I appreciate Maxim for having no pretenses. And I also appreciate the photo of the Camaro, which in a certain light arouses me and most men on a level only Olivia Wilde will match in this issue.
  Riding out the Recession: The market may have gone bust, but your sex life is about to go boom. A Maxim reporter interviewed a few Slutty McSlutterstonsfemales who all said the recession is making them hornier then ever. They are willing to try *ahem* new things and have as much sex as they can to get their mind off the recession. If only they would have been like that a year ago, a few choice bank execs may have been too busy to go to work and make terrible loan decisions, and we could have avoided this whole fiasco. Shame on you, Slutty. For shame.
• Sex slang terms: Spider-man- "When a man throws a handful of his own baby batter." Gaylord Perry- "Use spit as a sexual lubricant." Now, I dare you to use both of those terms in a conversation tomorrow. Go!
• Cover girl Olivia Wilde, star of "Year One": I've watched just about every episode of House, and have never seen Olivia Wilde in the context she's in for this photo spread. Maybe that's because doctors aren't allowed to walk around with only their hair covering their nipples (sanitation issue). Olivia was chosen as Maxim's Number 1 Hottie. Does she get a trophy? Is the trophy one giant, slightly covered nipple?
• Olivia responds to Megan Fox's comment that Olivia makes Megan "want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands." Olivia thinks it's flattering. Well then, Olivia, you make me want to castrate a puma using a Q-tip and a lighter! Let's hook up!
• Lady GaGa has a photo spread in a black leather bikini (video). Judging by her flawless skin--and I mean, Beyonce looks like a leper in comparison-- I'm guessing the Photoshop guy got slipped a little extra. Unless GaGa bathes in shea butter and fairytales.
• Christina Milian even has her own photo spread: Who is Christina Milian, you ask? Well, if you didn't see "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" with Matty McConaughey (no one did), then let me give you a hint: ".... Poke it out like your back broke. Pop, pop, pop that thing/I'm a show you how to make your man say "Oh!"
• Girls Gone Wild ad, offering the free DVD, "Top 50 Breasts EVER!": Is that 50 single breasts, or 25 pairs? I think it's misleading if it's 25 pairs, GGW. I would love to see your criteria, however: A) Did she show her boobs 'cause we asked? B) Are they even or lopsided? C) Is she barely legal? D) Does she have low self-esteem? .... Not in next Girls Gone Wild ad: "50 Best Creative Thinkers, plus 25 Outstanding Female Scientists! Fully clothed but with intellectual capacity!"
  

To discuss a Maxim review: May

To balance out the Cosmo reviews, I started doing Maxim magazine reviews. Maxim is unabashed when it comes to near-naked women. It comes right out and shows it, an emerging trend in magazines overall. Next thing you know, "Field & Stream" will have a full page spread of naked people getting their buck on.
Here's the May 2009 review. There's links to some of the sexytime photos so I could make this post relatively safe for work. Also, please read a Bible afterward:

• "Fighting" movie star Zulay Henao, who is wearing a bra, panties and four-inch stilettos (the five-inchers would have made her look whore-y) reveals her first kiss was with a guy named Sergio, when they were playing house together as kids. Her mom got mad, "and I was done seeing Sergio." Yeah, and now Sergio is holding your two-page spread with one hand and slowly reaching for a pistol with the other.
• Stop a Chimp from Eating Your Face: Protect your 'nads. An angry chimp may end up castrating a male." As if I don't have enough to worry about, now I have to look out for runaway Chewbacca going ape s*** on my banana bunch. (Any other ape jokes can be inserted here)
• Ask Maxim: Q: Why is my girlfriend so clingy? A: She has separation anxiety. Or maybe because Cosmo is telling her that she needs to check up on her man constantly so he doesn't forget about her.
  
• A feature on "Sit Down, Shut Up," a new animated show on Fox that premiered in April... and has been canceled by the time I did this review.
• Multiple pages on hybrid cars, waterproof watches and mountain bikes...This section could also be called: "See, we're more in depth than just Jennifer Love Hewitt's cleavage. But, if you like that, she's on page 58"
• Stuff for Her: Surprise her with a scooter. 1) The chick on the scooter is wearing a one-piece, side-cut out leotard with no bra... because that's what you'd wear to ride a scooter 2) Buy her a scooter. Go ahead. Tell me how that works out for you.
• Maxim staffers try to recreate famous movie sex scenes, like from "Ghost" and "Risky Business" and "Titantic." The Titanic guy says it's too difficult to draw your lady, nude, then convince her to go to your car and have sex in the backseat. I'd be much more worried about the fact that a few hours after sex, you have to wade in the freezing ocean, while she comfortably floats on a door.
• Did you know Jennifer Love Hewitt is "our generation's hottest starlet"? Maxim does. And here, I thought it was Scarlett Johannson, Jessica Alba or Topanga from "Boy Meets World" (dudes know what I'm tokkin 'bout!)
• Did you know the "Ghost Whisperer" is a ratings juggarnaut? How did that happen?
• Did you know JenLove just turned 30? That makes her a puma!
• "105 Greatest Geek Flicks of All Time!" Anything to make them feel they've got a shot with Megan Fox, the magazine's hottest sci-fi chick (oh, you totally do, dude. She thinks your Transformer action figure collection is h-o-t.) Transformers, evidently, counts as sci-fi. I can think of lots of other things to call that movie.
• Take a look at this photo of "Star Trek" director J.J. Abrams, then finish this sentence: "J.J., what is that veiny, thick, long _____ you're holding?"*
• An interview/photo spread with "Fast & Furious" star Jordana Brewster. I'd tell you more about what she said, but I was too busy staring at her thighs... and wondering if I should make her a cheeseburger or some cookies or something. At this rate, next year she'll be in a commercial, with an old white dude telling me I can sponsor her for just 10 cents a day.
  

* Correct answer: Tentacle. I'd also except penis.

To discuss Maxim: Infiltrating the March 2009 edition

Judging by my poll, you like the Cosmo reviews I've been doing, if only because it saves you $4. Well, to be fair, I thought I'd do a Maxim review as well so you ladies and gay guys can get insight on what men are reading. Cost: $6. Yes, $6, even though it's half the size of Cosmo. I'm going to write it down as a business expense.
Here's the March 2009 review. There's links to some of the photos so I could make this post safe for work. Also, you may want to read a Bible afterward:

• First ad: Girl having sex. Second ad: Girl with plunging neckline dress. Third ad: Girls in bikinis. Yep, this is Cosmo Maxim, alright.
• There's a joke page (which will really help me out the next time I'm at a college frat party.) Example: "Q: How do you know if you're really ugly? A: Dogs close their eyes when humping your leg." Or you get cast as the misunderstood one on America's Next Top Model.
• A photospread of Mixed Martial Arts fighter Gina Carano: I can't fathom the amount of boob tape she must be using. She has on a swimsuit with thin vertical strips of fabric covering her boobs, but she is laying/lying/lain/flat on the ground and her boobs are still in the proper position. Is that the goal for every woman- wear an outfit one day that requires boob tape?
• Porn to Be Mild- How adult stars have fared going from XXX to mainstream film. Sly Stallone (he was in 1970's "The Party at Kitty") was deemed most successful, right after Paris Hilton and Jenna Jameson. There's still time, Kim Kardashian. There's still time.
• Cover girl- Eliza Dushku, of "Buffy" and now "Dollhouse," says she likes chess and guys with scars. Somewhere, Stephen Hawking is grabbing a scapel and staring at his arm, saying (in robot voice): "I've. Got. A. Shot. I've. Got. A. Shot."... Here's a summary of Eliza's photo spread: Eliza spread out on a fur rug with her butt sticking out. Eliza on her hands and knees in lingerie. Eliza back on the fur rug with her stocking-covered feet in the air. Eliza putting a suggestive finger near her mouth while she wears an impossibly lifting bustierre. Eliza leaning back while a bra strap falls perilously off her shoulder.
• Shorter summary of Eliza's photos: Sex, sex sex sex, sex, sex, wad of tissues grabbed by lonely men.
• Capricorn's summary of Maxim-style lingerie photos: "What's the point? Don't buy this pussy crap. If you're buying this to get off, there's a lot better stuff out there" she advises men of the world.
  
• Newport cigarettes ad includes Surgeon General's Warning: Except the warning is advising pregnant women not to smoke. That's the warning you're going with in a Maxim ad, Newport? You think a lot of family-oriented, married men are reading Maxim, see this ad and think, my GOD I better tell my knocked up wife she better stop smoking! More plausible for these readers: My GOD I better tell my knocked up stripper mistress she better stop smoking!
• Do you know who Danneel Harris is? No? She's got a three-page photo spread, one involvin her licking a cupcake like it's the last dollop of sexual satistifaction on Pastry Planet. Danneel, evidently, is the star of Fired Up, the movie about two guys infiltrating a cheerleading camp. Danneel reveals this tidbit about her on-screen antics: "Simulated lesbianism bonds you quicker than anything."
• Maxim's 2009 Sex Survey: Well, at least Maxim and Cosmo share their love for this kind of stuff. Here are some results of a survey of women:
• 18 percent lost their virginity before age 15. I didn't even know how to lose my virginity before age 15.
• 0.6 percent have had more than 100+ sexual partners; about 4 percent had between 30-99. And yet, just 1.1 percent had zero partners. So, basically, you're more likely to bump into Mary Carey than the Virgin Mary. Strap two on, boys.
• About 49 percent of women have tried _____. I'll let you guess. It doesn't involve another woman. But it might involve walking like a cowboy the next day.
  
• About 62 percent of women said they wouldn't let a guy pee on her. Only 62? Threesome came in at 8 percent. If the guy pees on you during a threesome, well, I just don't know what follies would ensue.
  
• Maxim's advice on "Scoring on St. Patrick's Day"- Tell her you really like her shoes, and show her you have friends so she doesn't think you're a dangerous sociopath. Even better: Tell her your friends with Manolo Blahnik.
  
• Personal note: The manner in which men's magazines and women's magazines treat readers is startling and, in all actuality, sad. Women's magazines tell readers they aren't pretty enough, don't sleep around enough, sleep around too much, need tons of cosmetics, should stop buying cosmetics, and should constantly try to please their guy to the brink of overanalyzing every one of his words. Men's magazines tell readers they should have all the latest gadgets, stare at women's breasts and have the latest gadget that helps you stare at women's breasts. Although, I'll say that men's magazines are more likely not to use a third-grade vocabulary (ahem, Cosmo?)