To discuss a TV Play by Play: Teen Mom is your baby daddy

You are all finally coming out of the woodwork and admitting you like Teen Mom. I know you left me high and dry during the premiere, like I was the only one who indulged in watching teenagers squabble about babies. But now, I know it, and you know it. You loves yous some Teen Mom.
Well, there's a bit of good news for you, then, which you'll find out toward the end of the show. Here we go:

:01 Amber is already yelling at Gary, this time for, uh, breathing or existing. These kids are going to make it, I just know it ... Amber has to take Leah to her job interview at the salon, and says she's great at multitasking - as she gets distracted by her baby.
:02 Baby Bentley can walk at age 1. No wonder- he's trying to escape from Ryan. Now Maci wants to put Bentley in daycare so she can get school work done. Too bad Leah and Bentley can't attend the same day care: "Fail Care: You Make 'Em, We Take 'Em"
:05 Does the camera man just sit there and film Farrah sleeping? And do you notice she sleeps with makeup on? Meanwhile, Farrah's mom comes in to choke and shove Farrah feed Sophia.
:06 Catelynn says "I wish our baby was here" every episode. New drinking game! (Other drinking games: Every time Amber yells at Gary... Every time Amber does her crying Asian face ... Every time Farrah has a date... Every time Ryan rolls his eyes)
:12 "Do you want me to slit your throat, cause I will," Maci says of Ryan. Maci, now it's on film. You have no alibi when you inevitably murder him.
:13 Air Force recruiter to Tyler, as he gestures to Catelynn: "Is this your... " Tyler: "Girlfriend." Correct answer: "Kinda my sister, but that's just semantics."
:15 Baby Leah is shirtless more than the Girls Gone Wild cast. Gary is trying to convince Amber he loves her by arguing with her. Surprisingly, she doesn't drop her pants and beg him to make sweet Gary love to her.
:21 Amber doesn't want to rely on government assistance, which is commendable. So why doesn't she just ask MTV for her own spin-off show to make money? "The Gary Gets Smacked Show"? I'd watch it. You would, too.
:25 Farrah has excuses for everything her mom blames her for. I have yet to hear her excuse about why she wears so much eyeliner.
:28 I can't believe this, but I think Ryan might have a point -- Maci didn't look like she was trying hard to pass her classes before she decided to drop out. I just agreed with Ryan. Please adjust your Mayan end-of-the-world calendars accordingly.
:29 Amber is apartment hunting, which makes me wish she and Gary would go on "House Hunters." Sample voiceover: "Gary likes House #1, because he can lock himself in the basement away from Amber, while Amber likes House #3, which has extra room for her to relax in when she feels overAsianed. What house will they choose? Who the **** knows?"
:34 Maybe Maci should sell her Fast & Furious car to have extra money for daycare.
:36 Tyler is going to give Catelynn an engagement ring ... except he's not going to propose ... so it's like a promise ring ... and he wants to be with her forever. I think that's the plan. Tyler, if you put yourself back on the dating market, you'd have more 17-year-old girls lined up than you could shake a cockeyed hat at.
:39 Gary says he's a resentful person and he doesn't want to be around Amber. That makes Amber cry. Asian face! Drink up!
:44 Farrah uses the Craigslist Omaha page! Somebody check the "Casual Encounters" page for recent activity, asap! ... Farrah has it the nicest of all the Teen Moms - paid bills, in-house babysitter - and yet says she can't stand it and wants to move out. I can kinda sorta see why Farrah's mom choked her (and shoved her in 16 and Pregnant). Doesn't make it right, but...
:48 Amber officially moved out of Casa de Gary, officially ending the War on Terror.
:49 Holy crap! Ten new girls on the new season of "16 & Pregnant," debuting next month! Like manna from heaven, except its bastard kids! P.S. Didn't those girls watch the show last year and think, "Hey, maybe I shouldn't get preggers in high school?"
:54 Tyler is picking out rings. He has $1,700 saved up. Suddenly, I'm envious of a 17-year-old who can't even grow facial hair yet.
:55 Farrah looks at apartments, and realizes how nice she has it. That's only natural, considering she was looking at a frat house and what appears to be a brothel.
:58 Amber gets the salon job as a front desk receptionist. At this point, I'm hoping for a crossover event with Tabitha's Salon Takeover.

Next week: Season finale...