I did miss the first 10 minutes, so Capricorn gave me an idea what to expect: Valerie is one of 11 kids, she has old parents, her boyfriend is going to "beatbox a lot" and at some point is broke and at Perkin's restaurant. Oh, and he wants a paternity test, but Valerie replied "we had sex a lot" and that was that. Let's get to it...
:14 Valerie has already missed so much school her parents want her home schooled. She's telling her BFF Ashley about it, while I stare at her face and marvel at how it is a perfectly heart shaped like you see on eyewear or haircutting templates. But she's missing more teeth than my dog.
:15 Baby daddy alert: Matt is already almost out of the picture and we're only 15 minutes in! Valerie gives him a last-chance voice mail, but then gets contractions that night. "Call the doctor! Are you retarded?" she politely asks the woman who raised her.
:16 Idea for MTV: You should have celebrities deliver the babies! Who would want Patrick Dempsey elbow deep in placenta, or Neil Patrick Harris cutting little Doogie's cord? ... The contractions are a false alarm. Valerie says she "all I want to do is get this baby out of me," unaware the baby shares the exact sentiment.
:17 BD Update: Matt leaves a stellar voice mail and officially throws his hat in the ring, along with last week's BD, Josh, for the Ryan's Chewing Tobacco Award for worst MTV baby daddy. Qualifications include: A complete lack of awareness of the complexity of childbirth; an unwillingness to compromise; a disdain for the baby; an unexplainable annoyance with everyone; and complete immaturity.
:18 $50 the baby's first word is "like."
:20 At the doctor's office, Valerie asks a pressing question: Will her vagina go back to normal after the baby is born? The doctor says yes. Octomom says, "Depends by what you mean by 'normal.'"
:22 BD Update: Matt's jean shorts come by to say they are moving to Wilmington to get a full-time job, and that makes Valerie cry, as its hard to find jean shorts with a red dragon pattern these days.
:27 In a sweet moment, Valerie's friends hold a baby shower for her, then talk about some overweight lady who thought she was dying but unknowingly was in labor. Yet another example for "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant," a show that dates back to the series premiere with the Virgin Mary.
:29 Valerie says homeschool is boring and wants to return to high school with her friends, even if she skipped class all the time before and is now going to have a child. She says the baby will motivate her in what appears to be the first ever attempt to turn teen pregnancy into a dropout prevention program. I heard Maine already adopted it.
:34 A few days after the due date, Valerie gets contractions. Good thing she didn't see what Nikkole went through during labor last week, or she'd be much more freaked out about what's about to happen.
:35 Context-free quote from Valerie on her dad: "He must be excited if he forgot his teeth." ... Matt shows up for the delivery, a minor shock.
:36 Not a funny situation: Baby Navae may have meconium aspiration, which means she may have breathed in her own fecal matter inside the womb. Funny thought: As if things weren't crappy enough...
:37 Delivery time, Sept. 14, 2009: Valerie scrunching her face up while pushing somehow reminds me of Jake Pavelka's face on "The Bachelor" when he had to ask personal questions ... Baby Navae comes out, and Valerie barely holds her a second before a nurse whips away the baby so hard I really though Navae's neck might snap. It's a baby! Handle with care!
:38 Baby Navae is still dealing with the meconium aspiration and the fact her dad is Matt. In a serious turn, Navae is flown to a bigger hospital for critical care. This is way too much for a 16-year-old girl to handle, a girl who doesn't even have her driver's license. I'm 27, and I'd have great trouble dealing with that kind of emergency.
:42 Good news!
:52 BD Update: Looks like Matt might be OK after all. He's kept his promise and shown up to support the baby ... The whole family is out for a meal at Perkins (great waffles there, by the by), as Matt says money is a little tight and he is going to stick to mozzarella sticks. Matt, even when money isn't tight, there is no shame in going with mozzarella sticks.
:54 Holy crap, Capricorn was right. Matt was beatboxing to Baby Nevae. We're just a Fresh Prince and Ashley away from a full-on 90s moment.