To discuss a TV Play by Play: 16 and Pregnant 2 - Samantha

On this week's "16 and Pregnant," we get to watch a freaking C-section. The show focuses on Samantha Hernandez of Rosenberg, Texas (near Houston). If everything is bigger in Texas, Samantha is about to be in a world of hurt when her baby is being delivered.* (* I wrote that sentence before watching the episode, and as it turns out, she has a crazy delivery.) Let's get to the TV Play-by-Play...

:02 Samantha lives in a small house about to get smaller because someone is pregnant. Her mom! Nice, a double pregnancy, just like in Father of the Bride II. Let's hope Martin Short shows up.

:03 It's an epidemic ... Samantha says she and her friends used to tease the other girls in school about being pregnant, and now she's pregnant. How many pregnant girls are there? Oh man, did they make a pact? How come girls never make a pact to "Not be mean to boys" or "Not backstab each other"?

:04 "You can't prevent pregnancy," one of Samantha's friends says. And it's that kind of thinking that has made "16 and Pregnant" possible.

:05 Baby Daddy Alert: It's Eric, who goes to a neighboring high school and has yet to conquer his acne, let alone fatherhood. He wants Samantha to move in with him, like it's no big deal ... The problem is her parents already are mad at the couple for having sex at age 14 (Samantha's mom, Soledad, was pregnant with her as a teenager, hence the anxiety) and they already forced her to switch schools.

:05 Can they do an entire episode in the pencil sketch format? I'd watch that.

:07 BD Eric's mom, Estella, and Soledad aren't speaking to each other because Estella helped Eric and Samantha see each other behind Soledad's back. Dramz. So Estella doesn't come to the doctor appointment when Samantha finds out she's having a girl, who will be named Jordynn. Not to be confused with Jordache, which are vintage early 90s acid-wash jeans.

:12 OK, Samantha is all types of adorable. She tells her mom she's really scared about the pregnancy. Her mom, who has been in that same position before, consoles her. Soledad is definitely one of the most supportive moms on this show so far.

:13 You know you're too young for a kid when... 1) You share a room with your brother 2) You have a giant stuffed animal by your bed 3) You are figuring out what to wear for your first day of senior year.

:17 Samantha tells her mom and her dad (they are separated) about her idea to move in with BD Eric. Her dad says she'll probably get pregnant again, and her mom points out she won't be visiting as long as Eric's mom is there. Solid points. Maybe they'll let Samantha move in for "Teen Mom." There will be another season of "Teen Mom," right?

:25 Estella and Soledad agree to come to a family dinner together. At first, nobody speaks. Eye daggers are exchanged. Fortunately, Soledad breaks the ice and starts talking ... about Eric and Samantha having sex. Phew. That would have been awkward. But at least the moms make up.

:31 Samantha to her mom: "One of the babies is going to be calling you grandma, and the other one is going to be calling you mom." Good point. Oh, and Soledad's granddaughter will be older than her child. And Samantha's daughter will grow up being the older one to her aunt or uncle. Got that?

:34 Samantha is either auditioning for Texas Chainsaw Massacre or having intense labor pains. She is the loudest screamer of any "16aP" girl so far, partly because her baby's head is pushing on her back (called "back labor," giving new sense to the song, "Baby Got Back"). If this doesn't stop teenage girls from having sex, I don't know what will. You can watch her on this video.

:41 Holy sweet mother of God, MTV is showing the C-section.

:41.30 Give me a second. That was crazy.

:42 OK, I'm better. That was intense. Baby Jordynn is healthy. And, I might add, BD Eric was extremely supportive the entire time. And I might further add that Jordynn has a ridiculous amount of hair.

:49 Samantha realizes it's really tough to take care of a baby while Eric works and goes to school. I'm not sure how else she thought it would go ... of course, Eric makes a classic BD mistake when he says, "She's a month (old). It can't be that bad."

:57 Good for Samantha for returning to school. But she still wants Eric to help with the baby more. All in all, it's the least drama between the mom and dad on this series I've seen. Who do they think they are? Mature responsible adults or something?
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For anyone interested in "America's Next Top Model" recaps, by the way, I've been posting them over at my reality show blog, ydblogz.com/realblogger. There will be one up tomorrow.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: 16 and Pregnant 2- Lori

In the fifth episode of "16 and Pregnant," now in its second season, we meet Lori Wickelhaus, 17, from Fort Thomas, Kentucky. She attends an all-girls Catholic school. As Catholics don't believe in birth control, Lori's appearance on this show ranks somewhere between a mild surprise and an inevitability. Let's get to the TV Play-by-Play ...

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:01 Lori is adopted, and wishes she knew who her mom is. If you would like to claim Lori on a very special "16 and Pregnant" reunion, please call Dr. Drew.

:01 Baby Daddy: It's Cory, who gets +1 bonus point for being a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Good start, Cory. Hey, you can't do any worse than the Baby Daddy last week ... he and Lori (ooh, Lori and Cory) broke up but are still friendly, which might actually make things easier.

:02 Why does MTV try to do the big reveal thing when the girl says, "Oh, by the way, I'm pregnant," as if the show title didn't give it away?

:02 So her parents said they kinda wished Lori got an abortion, and aren't happy she and Cory don't want to consider adoption. I'd say adoption is cool if the baby goes to the same parents that got Catelynn and Tyler's kid. They can be the go-to adoption parents for this series. And then we can have a spin-off, "Brandon and Teresa plus Some Kids' Babies."

:05 So much for the Catholic thing - Lori was on birth control (she thinks antibiotics messed it up). One of her friends was surprised to find out Lori even had sex. What tipped her off, the pregnancy? Or the Catholic school girl skirt?

:06 Tonight's "16 and Pregnant" drinking game: Every time Lori's mom expresses dismay over her pregnancy (her mom just told her there is "nothing to celebrate" over her being pregnant).

:07 Drink! "It would be such a mistake for you and for this baby to bring him into this house," her mom says.

:12 The current plan: Lori and the baby move in with BD Cory and his roommate, Ashley ... because that sounds foolproof.

:13 For the first time this season, I think we have a mom on par with Farrah's mom from season 1. Lori's mom does more eye rolls, hrrumphs and condescending tones than you can shake a sonogram at. She thinks Lori can't handle this, and, although she keeps saying she's "open" to all options, she's basically saying give this baby up for adoption or I will disown you.

:16 Drink!

:17 Family friend Liz, who gave up her baby for adoption, comes by to coerce see Lori. Lori's mom says it's impossible for a teen mother to be successful in life. "Damn if that ain't true," says a bitter Jamie Lynn Spears.

:18 Drink! (P.S. I swear I'm not trying to get you drunk, so maybe you should swap the vodka for some juice.) "I can tell you it's going to be a disaster," Lori's mom tells Cory on the phone. You get the sense her mom is acting like she's the one facing the life-changing decisions, not her daughter. Her brow is so furrowed it looks like a doctor Botoxed the lines in. You know, like Lynn on Real Housewives of Orange County.

:25 Brian and Jen, a.k.a. Brandon and Teresa 2.0, meet with Lori. The couple already adopted Liz's kid, Brayden (who is super cute). It helps ease Lori's mind to see they aren't psychos (that honor goes to Chelsea's boyfriend). But as soon as her mom finds out her friends want to throw a baby shower, everything goes sour. Her mom says it's ... well, it doesn't matter at this point because we're all drunk from her bitterness.

:29 Somebody got to BD Cory, because now all of a sudden he wants to go for adoption. Did Lori's mom threaten bodily harm? Anyway, that was the breaking point for Lori, who is now in tears and resigned to her fate. She's giving up this baby. Her mom tries to act like she's not ecstatic. Her dad tries to ease Lori's pain by telling her - no joke - that she's not good at life. Screw it, just drink whatever you had left.

:32 A great point by Lori: Her baby is the only blood-related family she would have, and she has to give it up.

:34 Uhhh, Brian and Jen say they "couldn't prepare for a newborn" in time and the adoption is off. What, were they surprised by the due date? ... That means Cory and Lori (Cori? Lory? Oror?) have to look at portfolios of prospective parents. Is there a Match.com thing for this? It worked to get Capricorn and me together, after all.

:43 I wish you could see Lori's doctor. She looks like Phyllis Diller. It's epic. By the way, the baby's name is Aiden. Who his adoptive parents will be, nobody knows yet, but I'm sure Steve Jobs is busy inventing iBaby to solve that.

:46 Delivery time: In a "16 and Pregnant" rarity, there isn't much drama. Baby Aiden is healthy, Lori doesn't complain, Cory shows up and stays quiet, and even Lori's mom doesn't throw lightning bolts from her ivory tower.

:51 Spoke too soon. Mom starts reminding Cory he shouldn't get used to being a dad, and Cory flips out. Lori does her best Asian Amber impression, although she looks more like an East German softball player.

:52 Cool- they have an "Adoption Ceremony" for Aiden with the unnamed couple that gets him. It's an open adoption, so Lori will get to see him again. Plus, she stayed in school, another big bonus. As "16 and Pregnant" goes, Lori did well for herself. She's the new Catelynn ... although Cory is no Tyler. Tyler is a dreamboat.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: 16 and Pregnant 2 - Chelsea

This is the fourth episode (Valerie was last week) of "16 and Pregnant" season 2, featuring Chelsea, who lives with her dad in Vermillion, South Dakota, home of the University of South Dakota and now one more baby. Let's get to the TV Play-by-Play.

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:01 Dude, a Baby Daddy intro and we're only 30 seconds in! Adam inspires a new 16 and Pregnant drinking game, this time a "Drink every time the baby daddy calls his girlfriend a whore on Facebook." Drink up!

:01 Politics aside, it never seems like abortion is heavily considered on this show. Not saying I agree with that option or not, but not one teenage girl on here ever strongly considers it, which has to run contrary to reality of teen pregnancy ... Of course, those girls wouldn't exactly be ideal candidates for this show.

:02 Chelsea says she got pregnant as a junior and is having a girl, who will be named Aubrey, hopefully after the Danity Kane singer/Cosmo skanky list veteran of the same name ... Chelsea is worried she'll poop when she gives birth, but the doctor assured her the staff won't tell her if she does. With everything getting discharged out of her body at the time, it'll be hard to tell, anyway. Although that makes it sound like poop and her baby could be mistaken for one another.

:03 OK, a touch of reality: BD Adam initially wanted an abortion, but then changed his mind. And Chelsea's family isn't into adoption, either ... Jim from Real Housewives of OC Chelsea's dad has a sit-down talk with Adam about all of this. What always gets me is how the baby daddys always look so immature, even more so than the moms- backward hat, no facial hair, poor verbal skills... it's almost like, "Did they even hit puberty yet? Was this pregnancy from artificial insemination?"

:05 Drinking game update: A drink every time they turn the scene into a drawing of the girl crying and/or being disappointed by her bf. P.S. Call the paramedics now, because you'll have alcohol poisoning before I can say "He won't return my calls."

:10 Chelsea is having Braxton Hicks, or false labor pains. At 30 weeks, she's already dilated a fingertip width. Her friend can't believe how wide her cervix is going to expand. "Tell me about it," Kourtney Kardashian says.

:12 BD Update: Adam is working on his Camaro and ignoring Chelsea's calls. Chelsea wants to go to a party, but is scared to do so without Adam's permission. It's almost like you can't get on "16 and Pregnant" without dating a control freak boyfriend with self-confidence issues. The exception so far in two seasons has been Tyler, and he was dating his step-sister.

:19 Is there a Mary Kay dealer in South Dakota? Because someone made a boatload of cash selling foundation and bronzer to these girls, who are various shades of Jersey Shore orange. At this rate, at the baby's birth the doctor is going to say "It's the Great Pumpkin, Chelsea Brown!"

:22 Chelsea starts her first day of senior year at Vermillion High School with a bang: She gets contractions in math class and has to go to the hospital to have her baby. That beats the hell out of whatever senior prank you pulled ... Baby Aubree (not with an ey, it turns out) isn't due for five weeks though, so it's scary. For what it's worth, it seemed like Chelsea deserves the award for the most compusre during childbirth, also known as the Anti-Amber award.

:27 Good news! Baby Aubree will not be a member of Danity Kane. Oh, and she's healthy, too, although she's jaundiced. Inexplicably, BD Adam is shirtless and milking himself. I didn't make that a drinking rule, but what the hell, chug.

:30 If your daughter was born this week five weeks premature, would you A) Be by her and mother's side every waking moment or B) Work on your CAMARO BEEYOTCH!. Hint: Adam is a douche.

:32 Honestly, Chelsea is being a good mom. I'm pleasantly surprised. Not surprising: Adam (who has a camo-colored phone) wants to go to a muscle car show instead of staying home with Baby Aubree. "Can't your mom watch her or something?" he says to an incredulous Chelsea. I think Adam is confusing babies with puppies.

:33 Disappointed gf drawing scene. Drink!

:35 Chelsea's dad lives in a freaking mansion. It needs to be said that some of these teenage moms avoid a great deal of strife by not living in poverty like the Gary/Ambers or Tyler/Catelynns of the world. That takes a whole level of problems away. Unless your Farrah. And then you create your own problems. Problems named Shaq.

:37 New low this episode: The doctor is listening to Aubree's lungs, and Chelsea is talking with Adam on speakerphone. "Excuse me, Chelsea? It's hard for me to listen for a respiratory infection with all this douche in the air."

:39 I apologize for the following all-caps rant, inspired by the above clip: ADAM GET OFF YOUR DAMN CELL PHONE AND STOP TEXTING WHEN THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD IS TALKING TO YOU ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER. P.S. "SHE'S NOT DEAD OR NOTHING" IS NOT A VALID WAY TO WIN AN ARGUMENT.

:41 Disappointed gf drawing scene. Drink!

:43 BD Update: Adam now won't return Chelsea's calls. He really doesn't have a case here- she isn't even asking to date him. She just wants him to see his daughter in between working on his Camaro and pheasant hunting. He says she's being "annoying." Again I wonder, why do girls date these guys? Date the nerds!

:46 Chelsea asks a legitimate question- will people judge her and say she's a bad mom for going to the homecoming game? Fortunately, Adam answers that for her by sending her a text, "hrd u went out...way 2b a good mom," reiterating that 1) He has huge double-standards and 2) The public school system is failing in South Dakota.

:47 I didn't think it could be done. I am honestly flabbergasted. Adam outdid Ryan. He outdid Josh. He outdid them all. This is the text message Mr. Adam Camaro sent the mother of his child: "no i want u to feel like the most worthless stupid f*** in the world u better beleive (sic) its so over for the rest of our lives ya fat stretch mark bitch tell me where and when to sign the papers over for that mistake." Adam better start running because I'm about to Most Dangerous Game his camo ass.

:54 After that little event, Chelsea decides maybe it wasn't so smart to let Adam give his last name to Baby Aubree, so she's getting it changed to hers ... she's also going back to school to get her diploma. That's two smart, mature decisions in one "16 and Pregnant" episode. How did MTV let that happen?

To discuss a TV Play by Play: 16 and Pregnant 2- Valerie

In the third episode of "16 and Pregnant," now in its second season, we meet Valerie Fairman, a high school sophomore from Oxford, PA, nearby me and not too far from the hometown of Johnny Weir. That means southeastern PA does three things well: writes comedy blogs, dances on skates and gets pregnant.

I did miss the first 10 minutes, so Capricorn gave me an idea what to expect: Valerie is one of 11 kids, she has old parents, her boyfriend is going to "beatbox a lot" and at some point is broke and at Perkin's restaurant. Oh, and he wants a paternity test, but Valerie replied "we had sex a lot" and that was that. Let's get to it...

:14 Valerie has already missed so much school her parents want her home schooled. She's telling her BFF Ashley about it, while I stare at her face and marvel at how it is a perfectly heart shaped like you see on eyewear or haircutting templates. But she's missing more teeth than my dog.

:15 Baby daddy alert: Matt is already almost out of the picture and we're only 15 minutes in! Valerie gives him a last-chance voice mail, but then gets contractions that night. "Call the doctor! Are you retarded?" she politely asks the woman who raised her.

:16 Idea for MTV: You should have celebrities deliver the babies! Who would want Patrick Dempsey elbow deep in placenta, or Neil Patrick Harris cutting little Doogie's cord? ... The contractions are a false alarm. Valerie says she "all I want to do is get this baby out of me," unaware the baby shares the exact sentiment.

:17 BD Update: Matt leaves a stellar voice mail and officially throws his hat in the ring, along with last week's BD, Josh, for the Ryan's Chewing Tobacco Award for worst MTV baby daddy. Qualifications include: A complete lack of awareness of the complexity of childbirth; an unwillingness to compromise; a disdain for the baby; an unexplainable annoyance with everyone; and complete immaturity.

:18 $50 the baby's first word is "like."

:20 At the doctor's office, Valerie asks a pressing question: Will her vagina go back to normal after the baby is born? The doctor says yes. Octomom says, "Depends by what you mean by 'normal.'"

:22 BD Update: Matt's jean shorts come by to say they are moving to Wilmington to get a full-time job, and that makes Valerie cry, as its hard to find jean shorts with a red dragon pattern these days.

:27 In a sweet moment, Valerie's friends hold a baby shower for her, then talk about some overweight lady who thought she was dying but unknowingly was in labor. Yet another example for "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant," a show that dates back to the series premiere with the Virgin Mary.

:29 Valerie says homeschool is boring and wants to return to high school with her friends, even if she skipped class all the time before and is now going to have a child. She says the baby will motivate her in what appears to be the first ever attempt to turn teen pregnancy into a dropout prevention program. I heard Maine already adopted it.

:34 A few days after the due date, Valerie gets contractions. Good thing she didn't see what Nikkole went through during labor last week, or she'd be much more freaked out about what's about to happen.

:35 Context-free quote from Valerie on her dad: "He must be excited if he forgot his teeth." ... Matt shows up for the delivery, a minor shock.

:36 Not a funny situation: Baby Navae may have meconium aspiration, which means she may have breathed in her own fecal matter inside the womb. Funny thought: As if things weren't crappy enough...

:37 Delivery time, Sept. 14, 2009: Valerie scrunching her face up while pushing somehow reminds me of Jake Pavelka's face on "The Bachelor" when he had to ask personal questions ... Baby Navae comes out, and Valerie barely holds her a second before a nurse whips away the baby so hard I really though Navae's neck might snap. It's a baby! Handle with care!

:38 Baby Navae is still dealing with the meconium aspiration and the fact her dad is Matt. In a serious turn, Navae is flown to a bigger hospital for critical care. This is way too much for a 16-year-old girl to handle, a girl who doesn't even have her driver's license. I'm 27, and I'd have great trouble dealing with that kind of emergency.

:42 Good news! Gary's back! Baby Navae is OK! ... Valerie wants to get her daycare but finds it's too expensive. (I know for a fact PA provides greatly reduced/free daycare for students with babies, so I wonder why that route isn't explored) If I had a problem with MTV for this series -- one of the best series they've had in recent years -- it's that they make so much money from this show, but girl after girl can barely make ends meet. I'd hope they are compensated in some sort. I know MTV has to stay true to the documentary thing and all, but do we really need a half-dozen more high school dropouts if it can be avoided? Annnnddd I'm off my ivory tower of judgment.

:52 BD Update: Looks like Matt might be OK after all. He's kept his promise and shown up to support the baby ... The whole family is out for a meal at Perkins (great waffles there, by the by), as Matt says money is a little tight and he is going to stick to mozzarella sticks. Matt, even when money isn't tight, there is no shame in going with mozzarella sticks.

:54 Holy crap, Capricorn was right. Matt was beatboxing to Baby Nevae. We're just a Fresh Prince and Ashley away from a full-on 90s moment.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: 16 and Pregnant - Nikkole

Now that "16 and Pregnant" is in its second season, I wonder if tons of girls were itching to get on this show to get the 15 minutes of fame and a lucrative diaper deal. Hey, maybe they got pregnant BECAUSE they wanted to be on "16 and Pregnant." Conspiracy theory!

This is the second episode (sorry I missed last week), featuring Nikkole, from Monroe, Michigan. Let's get to it...

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:01 Nikkole says she is 15. That disqualifies her from "16 and Pregnant" and enters her into "It's Getting Creepier How I'm This Young and Pregnant"

:04 Baby daddy: Josh. Now that we've been through "Teen Mom" and 16AP, we know that the success of entertainment lies as much on the baby daddys (Gary XOXO/Ryan bleh) as it does the moms. Josh knocked up Nikkole because they weren't using a condom, and he promised to "pull out" and didn't. That sounded like such a foolproof plan, I can't believe it didn't work.

:05 Baby's momma's momma: Rikki. She already looks fabulous, if this was a 1986 Guns n Roses video. "They look at the mom, and they say, how'd you let that happen?" Rikki says in a heart-to-heart-to-still-developing-heart talk. Rikki, Nikkole is a big girl. She's an adult now, capable of making mature, responsi ... Oh crap.

:06 Nikkole hopes Josh will stop dating another girl and come back to her. She seems way too young and naive to be having a baby. Didn't she watch Whitney's episode last year?

:06 BD update: Josh already got expelled from school. It's the first day! Do we have another Ryan on our hands? Check his mouth for chewing tobacco and mumbled apologies, pronto.

:11 BD update: "Instead of running, I have to face it like a man" Josh says while his hand rests on his smooth-as-a-baby cheek.

:13 It should be noted Nikkole has strong family support, and Josh's mom seems behind him. That is already a much, much better situation than many of the other girls. And yet, it seems naive of Nikkole to say she believes she's going to finish high school and then go to the University of Toledo. Amber= dropped out, couldn't keep up with her GED. Maci= dropped out of all of her online classes. Farrah= dropped out of reality.

:19 In the past few minutes, Josh has scoffed at his pregnant girlfriend for wanting emotional support during her doctor's visit, called her best friend Becca a bitch, and demanded Nikkole come to a football game without even a thought of how she might feel being stared at in the bleachers. Becca calls out Nikkole for being Josh's "puppy dog." Nikkole stands up for herself by staring blankly. Don't fault her, though. It's hard for her to see past the mascara.

:26 She's going to homecoming, which is a nice, normal thing for a teen to do. Good for her ... that is until she goes out to the parking lot to meet Josh (remember, he's expelled, so he can't attend school functions). Josh not only isn't there, he won't answer her calls, and then when he does, he says he can't hang out. Ladies and gentleman, it's our Ryan for Season 2!

:28 I may have a heart of coal, but even I thought it was both heartbreaking and yet touching to watch Nikkole, pregnant, in her homecoming dress and home early because of her jerk boyfriend, playing Rock Band with her little brother.

:33 Delivery time They are inducing labor, probably because this show is only an hour and they need to speed things up ... Josh is there, which is a surprise. Not a surprise: He's being a jerk again, asking her why she's "so tired" and then telling her "You're on your own dude" and how guys have a higher pain tolerance. WTF, Josh. You're making guys look bad. Why don't you go get another porcupine hair cut and leave her alone.

:37 BD update: Now Josh is telling Rikki to be quiet and threatens to leave. Josh's mom tells him he's an "ass" and "She's in labor so you shut your mouth and act like a grown person." Ah, I like her.

:38 27 hours into labor, it's time to push. What, was the baby taking a nap in there? My guess is Baby Lyle realized his dad was Josh, and decided to stay inside until a paternity test could be done.

:44Back home, Nikkole is disgusted by Lyle throwing up. I'd tell you more, but I was distracted by the leopard skin, head and tail included, nailed on the wall. And I thought Farrah's mom's nutcracker collection was bad.

45"They had to cut my crotch open to get him out," Nikkole tells her friend. Annnndddd TMI.

:46 Drinking game this episode: Every time Josh blames someone else for his actions. Every time you spot a leopard print. Every time Nikkole gives Josh another chance.

:51 Drink up! Nikkole just gave Josh another chance, even after he said he's not apologizing to Rikki for being a little bitch. Then he tells Rikki being disrespectful "is just how I am" and he won't change. And he says he knows he's No. 1 in Nikkole's life, not her mom. Unless he needs a ride, and then could you drive him home?

:53 Nikkole can't understand why her mom isn't cool with Josh. She's so young and naive (that should be her T-shirt slogan) that she can't see her mom is supporting her, and Josh is being completely selfish. Oh, and he's also cheating on her. This should make good drama for Teen Mom.

:57 Josh can't believe Nikkole isn't down for his "let be bang other girls and then keep my baby mama on the side" plan, and breaks up with her. That plan was gold! Not gold: Who is this silly girl he's cheating with that would want a guy who already knocked up another girl and is so selfish that it's infuriating? It's not Maci, is it? Stay away, Maci! We know you like the bad boys, but c'mon.