To discuss Praise and Worship Song Mad Libs

I know it's been a few weeks since I last wrote. No, I did not need to leave so I could go into sex addiction therapy. Only famous people can get away with saying they have a sex addiction as an excuse for anything.

Instead, all I can say is that I needed some "me" time during a rough few weeks. I also played some Playstation for the first time in forever. How long? Well, I'm referencing my Playstation 2, if that means anything.

But I'm feeling recharged now. Recharged enough to write a post I've been wanting to write for some time now ...

You know what sticks in my craw?

I don't know, because I'm not sure exactly my craw is.

But you know what really gets me frustrated?

Praise and worship songs. Now, before you start wielding pitchforks, let me say I've got nothing against Jesus, or people getting into the music. But if Jesus was sitting beside me in one of those huge, nondenominational church services that are becoming so popular, he'd listen to the songs and say, "Sweet Me, don't tell me that's what you're passing off as praise and worship!?!? The Black Eyed Peas have more original lyrics!"

Here's why: I'm not so sure most people attending church have any idea what they are really singing. Actually, I think a lot of megachurches are set up to be a good experience and not necessarily a good service, but that's another accusation for another time.

Let me ask you this, and let's assume you're a Biblelish person (humor me). How many times a day do you use phrases such as "majesty and glory" "bigger than the mountains" "casting down my burdens" or "I sing beneath the shadow of your wings"?

I'm fairly certain a majority of people sing the praise and worship songs and only know two things:
1) God enjoys us praising him, regardless of the song (this is true)
2) This song is about God, so it is by default quality music (this is not true)

I'd argue that there's nothing in the Bible that says you need to reference ancient Hebrew phrases to make a song worship-y enough, but man, people get into it ... They may not be quite sure why they are singing about metaphorical rivers, but as long as we repeat the chorus 7 or 8 times, it's gold!

The problem is, people are always in a rush and eager to find any way they can to cut down on time. As a service to them, I thought I'd offer an all-inclusive Mad Libs praise and worship song. Please use the wordbank at the bottom.

For background music, insert at least three guitars, bongo drums, regular drums, a violin and several overzealous background singers who clap one hand on to the opposite wrist to keep time.

Starts out soft with just guitars and a soft drum beat

Baby Jesus, you are (adjective)
From the manger to the cross
Your love flows like a (random geographic term)
And I'm a big fan

Picking up speed and intensity not unlike a Lady Gaga song

(God name)
Your (random worship buzz word) is so (adjective)
You (verb) in us
And for that, we (verb) all day

Full musical backing with dramatic hand gestures

Yes (God name)
We (verb) you
Yes (Another God name)
We (verb you)
To the ends of the (random geographic term)
We dream of your (buzz word)

Slow again to give the appearance of a new stanza, except it's the same one, because repeating phrases is the key to getting God to remember what you've just said. Either God has Alzheimers, or worship song writers just run out of lyrics.

Baby Jesus, you are (adjective)
From the manger to the cross
Your love flows like a (random geographic term)
And I'm a big fan

Full musical backing with even more dramatic hand gestures and pyrotechnics. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Yes (God name)
We (verb) you
Yes (Another God name)
We (verb) you
To the ends of the (random geographic term)
We dream of your (buzz word)

Bringing it back down to a capella, as that's how you show you're serious about what you're singing.

Yes (God name)
We (verb) you
Yes (Another God name)
We (verb) you
To the ends of the (random geographic term)
We dream of your (buzz word)

Building back up the tempo as drums kick back in to get this mother going

Yes (God name)
We (verb) you
Yes (Another God name)
We (verb) you
To the ends of the (random geographic term)
We dream of your (buzz word)

Full out musical war on that stage, y'all
Yes (God name)
We (verb) you

Repeat this chorus 10 times or people will think you hate Christians and kittens. On last repeat, do it a capella again to bring it back for a moment of reflection (for you, not God. God doesn't need quiet for reflection. He's God.).

Praise and Worship Mad Lib words

God names: Lord/Father/Almighty/Yahweh/Big Guy
Adjectives: Blessed/Glorious/Majestic/Amazing/Worthy/Off the chain
Random geographic term: River/Sea/Mountain/Earth/Meadow/Icelandic Volcano
Random worship buzz word: Sovereignty/Abundance/Hallelujah/Sin/Potluck Supper
Random animal: Lamb/Sheep/Eagle/Lion/Vampire
Verb: Cast/Glorify/Believe/Praise/Trust/Dwell/Pray/Breakdance

To discuss Music I Loved Fridays: The. Song. Is. Mine.

It's been a long time since I've put up a Music I Loved Friday post, but let's get it going again. As a reminder, MILF is all about taking a look back at the music that I grew up with. It is not about your mom.

Who gets the honor this month?

I'm sorry that you seem to be confused. He belongs to me. The boy is mine.



You go, Brandy. No, YOU go, Monica. Will somebody just tell me who this damn boy belongs to?

It's June 1998. I'm about to start my sophomore year of high school, unaware yet that in a few months, Britney Spears would hit me baby one more time. Right now, the divas on the chart are Brandy and Monica.

Secretly, I had liked Monica's debut song, "Don't Take It Personal (Just One of 'Dem Days)" which came out when she was just 15. I was even younger, and so for all I knew, "one of 'dem days" was a girl who was in a bad mood. If you had asked me at the time, a period was nothing more than punctuation. Ah, youthful ignorance. I could have saved years of arguments and headaches with girls if I had only heeded Monica's advice and just realized women have one of 'dem days one week a month, or, in some cases, every week of every month.

Brandy was popular too, and why not, since her smile is wide enough to eat a banana sideways. But putting the two of them in the same song? I could barely handle Mariah Carey and Wanya Morris trying to out-oohahhhoohhaah each other on "One Sweet Day."

Looking back, there was no denying the power of "The Boy Is Mine." I mean, it was co-produced by Dallas Austin, and just look at who he went on to work with!

Since I was 15 at the time, I had no idea this song was based on a Paul McCartney/Michael Jackson duet, "The Girl is Mine," or as its now known, "The Girl Is Paul's by Default." I just thought Brandy and Monica had been fighting over some dude - probably like the Fresh Prince or something - and wanted to sing about it.

"The Boy Is Mine" spent 13 weeks on the top of the charts, which proves that at some point in 1998, you liked this song. You probably liked the video, which featured Mekhi Phifer before he went on to star in my cult favorite, Dawn of the Dead, in which he delivered a zombie baby from his pregnant zombie wife.

In hindsight, I'm not sure why the music video didn't have Mekhi asking for the girls to just get drunk and have a threesome, but I guess there are limits to what Carson Daly could show on "TRL." You know, back when MTV played music videos. Not that I can complain. I watch "16 and Pregnant" like it contains the secret to life.

Sadly in the years after, Brandy came out with a sequel, "The Hit-and-Run Is Mine," and is now more famously known as the sister of the guy who gave Kim Kardashian his flesh python in a sex tape. Monica has since carved out a career as "That girl who sang my prom theme" and is no doubt waiting for her invitation to "Dancing with the Stars."

To discuss a blast from the past: Columbia House Music Club

Dear Columbia House Music:

You have to feel like IDIOTS. C'mon, don't try to look all naive and innocent.

You know what I'm talking about.

Remember your whole BMG/Columbia House Music Club? I was just reminded of it recently. What a sweet deal that was, back in the day. You'd sign up for the club (by mailing in a card, as the Internet was still in its 26k days, or nonexistent), and instantly get 12 free CDs/Tapes/Records/Music Boxes or whatever format was popular.

Then, oh then, all you had to do was buy a few more albums within two years, usually at a marked-up price, and you'd get to keep those 12 free albums! What a deal!

I could hardly resist it when I was 12 or 13, knowing I could get awesome CDs of Ace of Base, Mariah Carey and Monica (I feel you, Monica. Just one of 'dem days, that a girl goes th... oh, you're talking about PMS? Oh. That's awkward for me... uh...) for free if I could get my mom to pay for another five CDs at a price of $14.98 or more each, even though Wal-mart and every other store sold them for cheaper.

Some may say the whole deal was a scam and it's easier to withdraw troops from Iraq than it is to get out of the Columbia House Music Club, but hey, free CDs!

Have you ever seen a business model implode? Door-to-door milk delivery, Hummers during a gas price crisis, online groceries, newspapers (I kid, I kid)...

Columbia, when iTunes came around, did you physically poop your pants, or just metaphorically?

iTunes won't give me 12 free mp3 albums just for registering, but they also let me buy songs for .99 cents each, and albums song by song. Oh, and I get them right now, instead of waiting for them in the mail. And if I'm feeling particularly sneaky, I could just download stuff for free on bittorrent sites.

How did you miss the gravy train on this one? And how in the world do you still have your music club in business? Even bigger question: At what point did you say, "Eh, mp3 downloading is just a fad, what people really want is to order their music and have it mailed to them so they can keep up with membership commitments!"

Good job offering DVDs, at least... except that Netflix is raping you there, too.

Sincerely,
Former customer

P.S. Thanks again for that sweet Ace of Base, CD, though. It's All That (I) Want.

To discuss August's MILF Friday on Monday. You got a problem with that?

Usually, I say "It wouldn't be the last Friday of the month without Music I Loved Fridays." If you noticed, this is Monday. But I had the big We Are Cosmo week wrapping up last Friday, so I delayed it. I have that power. Oh, and speaking of that...

I've got the power! (do, do, do, da da dododo) Let's go wayyyy back into the early 90s, and give you extra bonus music. Get ready to have your minds blown by the bumpin' beats, shoulder pads and electronically-manufactured rhythms of some of the flyest dance music this side of Technotronic and Haddaway.


La Bouche: Be My Lover ('95) I was singing Be My Lover before I knew that lover meant have sexual congress with a girl. Maybe I shouldn't have been singing this song around my mom.


Snap: I've Got the Power ('90) I won't try to deny a song that's appeared not only in Coyote Ugly, not only in Under Siege, but in Super Mario Bros. I mean, the rapper in here is the lyrical Jesse James. He says it, flat out. You think he'd lie about that? Best believe him, because he will attack, and you don't want that.


C&C Music Factory: Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) ('90) How has this song not become a national ad for Degree or Sure? C&C is challenging you, nay, daring you, to sweat. I'd like to see Old Spice overpower the vocal tirades of either C. Of course, the last time you let the "music take control" and "let the rhythm move you," we all know what happened. Speaking of which, isn't he falling behind on child support?


Crystal Waters 100% Pure Love ('94) You will not have this song out of your head for days, but don't feel bad, I haven't had this song out of my head in 15 years. But this is classic early 90s, and, if that doesn't make you appreciate it, take a gander at the 3:17 mark. For you kids out there, that was an Apple before Apple had 'iPods' or 'iPhones' or or before we put 'i' in front of words to make up for lack of personalization.


Real McCoy Another Night ('95) In hindsight... the white dude in this group sounds like a stalker. "I talk, talk, I talk to you, in the night, in your dreams, of love so true." Unused optional chorus: "I watch, watch, I watch for you, in the night, by your bed, when in the nude."

Stereo MCs Connected ('92) I have no idea what this song is about, but I do know I'm gonna go blind if I ain't get myself connected and see the writing on the wall. Except, I was 9 and didn't understand metaphors, so I assumed he met connect with my Lego set.



Robin S Show Me Love ('93) Even though I was the tender age of 10, I felt connected-- Stereo MCs-level connected-- when Robin sang "Heartbreaks and promises, I've had more than my share/I'm tired of giving my love and getting nowhere, nowhere." Had I been in love? Um, no. I couldn't even get reciprocal Valentines (Eh, fifth-grade crush Krista?) But I did love something... the electronic xylaphone-y beat. 'Because my love is guaranteeeeeeed..."

-------------------------------
Did THIS JUST HAPPEN!?! You bet your Walkman it did. Minds=blown. Children of the 90s just passed out from excitement.

To discuss MILF Friday: I did it all for the baked goods

It wouldn't be the last Friday of the month without Music I Loved Fridays. This time around, let's get our rock on:



You can take that cookie, and stick it up your yeah.

Flashback:
It's 1998. I'm tenth grade, and, like most of my peers, have been immersed in teen pop music for a year, from Backstreet to Brandy. And then, one day on TRL, it all changed... Now, back in time:

Girls like guys who weigh 140 pounds, wear braces and have a bowl cut, right? Right?

Maybe I should dress more like JC Chasez... That dude has got the look the ladies love... all I need is a white dress shirt and an awkwardly shaped nose... one nose down, one shirt to go.

Or maybe I should dress like this guy, Fred, who I saw on Total Request Live. You wouldn't believe it-- he has tattoos all over, a backward baseball cap and his last name is Hearse or Durd or something. Crazy. His bandmate wears black contacts to make him look like the devil-- I mean, these guys just are so hardcore! After all, these guys did that remake of "Faith," and made it all hardcore and whatnot-- they made George Michael's diddy into something us kids can relate to, because you got all inventive and screamed the lyrics! Rock n Roll Hall of Fame needs to polish off a plaque right now, because these guys gots skillz.

So Fred's in this band, Limp Noodle. No, wait, it was Flat Biscuit. Hot Pocket? I'd AOL search it, but this 52k modem is slooooowwww. Much faster than the 26k before it, though.

Limp Bizkit! That's it. Anyway, they've got this really catchy song that's so anti-pop, yo. It's called "Nookie." When I get old enough to tell you what "nookie" means, I'll let you know. I'm guessing it's some kind of baked good. I'd do it all for a brownie, I'll tell you that much. I'd fondle a pony for a muffin.

"I did it all for the nookie (come on) the nookie (come on)/So you can take that cookie and stick it up your (yeah)"

Fred, why on earth would I waste a perfectly good cookie by sticking it up my yeah? Well, it doesn't matter anyway, because all the girls seem to love you-- I bet one day you and Eminem will be competing over Christina Aguilera-- so I'll just take your advice and go with it.

I did it all for the nookie, ladies. Please act accordingly.

Billboard Top 5 songs of 1998:
1. Too Close Next
2. The Boy Is Mine Brandy & Monica
3. You're Still The One Shania Twain
4. Truly Madly Deeply Savage Garden
5. How Do I Live LeAnn Rimes

To discuss a Weekend Update: Goodwill is a modern bucco's booty

Today's my first day back at work after a week off. So, technically, my weekend update should be covering nine days.
Let me quickly recap the first eight days:
Sleep in. Work on blog stuff. Eat. Watch a re-run of (fill in an HGTV/TLC home improvement show). Eat. Walk the dogs. Eat. Work on blog stuff. Assassinate world leaders. Work out with Capricorn. The uze.

Yesterday, to cap off the vacation I went to Capricorn's parent's house for dinner, as we do most Sundays. Before the meal, Capricorn, Caprimom and I went to Goodwill in search of an ottoman, clothes and Long John Silver's buried treasure. Since Goodwill is neither underwater or a pirate ship, we relented and settled for the first two.

While I discovered two ties (for just $4-- take that, Express Men), I also found a treasure no pirate could claim: Goodwill's assortment of WTH? donated items. And so, here's a visual Weekend Update, Goodwill edition. Click on images to enlarge.

In retrospect, this book is to poor example of literature what the song "Crazy" was to ironic portent of things to come for Britney.

"I'm Titanic. Oooooh, I won 11 Oscars. I'm all dramatic and three hours long and always on TNT and have Kate Winslet's now well-exposed boobs and Leo DiCaprios' boyish charm"....Well, Titanic, looks like your VHS collector's sets aren't a hot item at Goodwill. So suck it. P.S. I'm totally watching you next time you're on cable.

Creepy.

Creepier.

Creepiest. I see murder in those eyes. And vengeance. Yours for $2.85!

Two things. One, someone felt the need to make a shirt about all the great things about cats. Two, you just clicked on the image, because just had to know all the things in life this person learned from their cat. I ask you, who is worse off?

Rejected subtitle:
Model Railroading: We both know the only thing getting laid around here are tracks.

Twenty bucks says '80s singer Melba Moore regrets this rainbow craptastic album cover till the day she dies. You'd never guess what she looks like now.

This is supposed to be a 100 piece puzzle. Something tells me if they made an updated Olsen twin puzzle, they'd only need about 65 pieces- 60 for the now wafe-like bodies and 5 pieces for a caption that reads: "For just 10 cents a day, you can help support an Olsen.'

Confession time... I used to own a copy of this CD. And kinda loved it. They also had copies of Backstreet Boys' "Millenium" and *NSYNC's debut album. Show Me the Meaning of being sold for 99 cents!

To discuss Top 10 iTunes Embarrassments

Background: I spent most of Friday night continuing my follow-up from this debacle. This time, the focus was on my iTunes media library. Fortunately, I already knew how to transfer my songs from my iPod back to my now-blank iTunes library. But my playlists hadn't transferred, so it was time to start from scratch. While I was at it, I figured I should go through all my songs and fill in missing file information-- album title, year released, times artist arrested.

I posted on my Facebook status I was doing this for my library of about 800 songs (although I later realized I have about 1,100 songs), and soon, several Facebook friends took the opportunity to point out they had thousands more songs than that, the proverbial "mine is larger than yours" debate (I did not use that opportunity to say it's not how big your music library is, it's how you use it.)

I had no idea I was in a contest. I prefer to keep my library to what I would expect to listen to on a semi-regular basis. There's a certain litmus test a song must pass to get in, as I just don't download a song willy-nilly, or even Willie Nelson.

Still, that leaves some songs that get in by a combination of "I can't get that song out of my head," "it's 3 a.m. and this song is starting to sound better" or "this chick is hot and listening to it gives me a viable reason to think of her scantily clad, or at least that's what I'll tell a pastor if he asks."

Here, in no particular order, are my Top 10 Embarrassing Inclusions on My iTunes Playlist:

1. Miss Saigon Soundtrack: Sure, I'm a music theater person. And sure, musicals are more in vogue now than they used to be... but belting out "The Movie In My Mind " on the highway... by yourself... is a little awkward, don't you think?

2. "Knock Me Out," Tatyana Ali: Yes, that Tatyana Ali. Ashley. From "Fresh Prince." No, this isn't that fly song she sang on the show when Will was her manager and no one came to her album signing event. This is off the album she released after the show. And I love this song. It even includes a rap from the Fresh Prince.

3. "Don't Walk Away," Jade: Excellent song. If, you know, you're an urban female from the 1990s. Since I'm not one, and there's no real reason I should like this song-- and I do, oh, I do-- it's not my finest moment.

4. "808," Blaque: Continuing my affinity for urban female R&B groups (see Kane, Danity), Blaque had this hit in 1999, and I still am not sure what in the world the song is about. "Boom like an 808, circles like a figure eight, feels good from head to toe, come on baby here we go." Um, here we go what? Have sex? Fly a plane? Figure skate? Whatever, it's catchy.

5. "Kitty Kat," Beyonce: On general principle, Beyone annoys me. But I have this song, and "Ring the Alarm," on my iPod. I'm admitting this to the world. And yes, Beyonce, don't think you can sing an entire song about taking away your "kitty kat" from your man and fool me. I know what you're singing about... it's controlling the pet population, isn't it?

6. "Untouched," Veronicas: I was either going to admit I recently downloaded this song here, or in the upcoming month in review. I just can't get over the violin-ish background music and the hypnotic singing. Someone help me!

7. "Fall In Love With You," Selena: Selena is a legitimate, albeit tragic, artist. So, no shame in that. The shame is that I got this song after watching the Jennifer Lopez movie and getting teary-eyed at the end. Man card, revoked.

8. "Beep" Pussycat Dolls: This isn't even one of the *ahem* good Pussycat Dolls songs. This is the single they released that kind of got glossed over, except I couldn't get enough of will.i.am and his censored rapping about vaginas* while Nicole and her backup singers danced around in leather pants.

9. "About Us," Brooke Hogan: I... well, you see... The thing about Brook is...and, you know... aww, beep it.

10. "Incomplete," Backstreet Boys: Understandable: Listening to *NSYNC or Backstreet when they first came out and everyone was overcome with boybanditis. Not as understandable: Being an adult male and listening to a former boy band making an ill-fated comeback, under the ruse you think they have "a nice sound."

* Wait, THAT'S what Kitty Kat is about! It's about censorship! *readers slowly shake heads*
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Now, dear friends, it's your turn. In comments or your own post (and let us know if you do), please list your own embarrassing iTunes inclusions. I shouldn't be the only one doing the walk of shame.

To discuss MILF Friday: God Must Have Spent A Little More Time on Boy Bands

It wouldn't be the last Friday of the month without Music I Loved Fridays. For the ladies in the house and the dudes who are trying to pretend they didn't enjoy this stuff, here's a little boy band action for you:



No, *NSYNC, you're tearing up MY heart!

Flashback:
It's 1997. I've just entered ninth grade, unaware that our lives are about to change forever. By the high school experience? Heck no. By boy bands! Now, back in time:

I wonder if high school kids dress differently than middle school kids. Maybe I should go to the mall and buy some new Unionbay jeans and a Bugle Boy shirt. Done and done.

Hey, these guys on TV look like they have their fashion sense together. All white shirts and black pants, with coordinating dance moves. That one guy is so silly-- he's got braids in his hair. He must be the goofy one.

*Listening* Da, da, duh dum. Da da duh dum. Baby I don't understand, just why we can't be lovers.

I'm not quite sure what he means by lovers-- it must be something about hugging a lot-- but this is a catchy song. Oh... wait, I think I understand their band name now. *NSYNC, like they are in sync vocally, and perhaps sexually.

Man, my female classmates really love these guys. I'm not sure whose more popular, *NSYNC or those Backstreets Boys. The girls fight over who has cuter band members, which leads me to believe I should join a boy band. I'll be the nerdy one with big glasses who has an inexplicable, irrational belief he's a ladies' man.

Doesn't matter anyway, Backstreet and *NSYNC will never be as popular as Boy II Men!!! I'm going to pretend not to like either band so as to avoid looking like a loser, but secretly, I'll dig all their music.

That Timberpond dude looks like he's going to be a star one day. He's going to bring back sexy good times, I just know it. And Joey, he just has that look like one day he'll host a game show or compete on a dancing competition. Chris looks like he'll fail at life as soon as this group is over, while JC, well, JC isn't Justin, now is he?

As for Lance... hmm... Even in ninth grade, I get the sense there's something different about Lance. It's almost like he's singing about a different person than the other guys.

Billboard Top 5, 1997:
1. Candle In The Wind 1997 » Elton John
2. Foolish Games / You Were Meant For Me » Jewel
3. I'll Be Missing You » Puff Daddy & Faith Evans
4. Un-Break My Heart » Toni Braxton
5. Can't Nobody Hold Me Down » Puff Daddy

To discuss MILF Friday: I Creep Around

Here's a delayed MILF, or Music I Loved Friday. The first one featured Britney Spears, the second one was Blink 182, then we went to Bel-Air, and this time it's...

Crazy. It's Sexy. It's Cool. It's "Creep," by TLC.

TLC- Creep

Flashback:
It's fall of 1994. I've just entered sixth grade, where suddenly all the boys are much taller than me, and suddenly girls chests have bumps on them. Bumps I want to touch, although I'm not sure why or what I'd do with them. They look... comfortable. Now, back in time:

I can't imagine there will ever be a day when I DON'T love Ace of Base. (Singing to myself) "I saw the sign, and it opened up my..." hmm. This is a new sound, what's this group? TLC? Like, Tender Loving Care? Sounds a little silly... but dude, those are some sexy ladies in those silk pajamas. Well, as far as I can tell as a pre-pubescent boy, at least.

I'm not sure what "Creep" means, but I want to keep it on the down low, too! (As soon as I figure out what down low means) This sure sounds different than Ace of Base. It sounds more like that Aaliyah girl. Hey, maybe TLC will have the same kind of future!*

I need to know more about these girls. I'd do an Internet search, but there's no easy way to search for information yet...AOL just isn't that good. But man, this 25k modem is a lot faster than the 16k! What did I ever do before instant messaging? Well, I played Oregon Trail and Space Quark. But before that? Who knows!

Well, according to MTV, TLC stands for T-Boz, Left Eye and Chili. Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins has a voice lower than mine. Should I be concerned? No... I guess not. Everyone has a higher voice than me. I'm in 6th grade and have the testosterone of a fixed chihuahua.** She seems cool, though, and trendy.

That Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes girl seems a little crazy, like she's going to light someone's house on fire or something. I'm not sure what her role is, though. She doesn't really sing. She raps. In a squeaky voice.
And then there's Rozonda "Chili" Thomas. She's definitely sexy. I can see big things happening in her career. Maybe she'll date and then break up with a famous R&B star!

"Creep" is such a good song, I'm going to run out and buy their "CrazySexyCool" cassette. Hmm... this one song is about water and rivers and stuff. If only I was older, I'd better understand the references to AIDS and gang violence. But, for now, I'll just appreciate that awesome music video with the dancing waterized version of the group.

And this "Red Light Special" song sounds so cool, I'm going to blast it from my stereo. Why is my mom giving me such weird looks? It's a great song, about dancing with people under a disco light or something. Rad!

Other Billboard top songs of 1994:
The Sign, Ace Of Base
I Swear, All-4-One
I’ll Make Love To You, Boyz II Men
4. The Power Of Love, Celine Dion
5. Hero, Mariah Carey
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* It's sad when foreshadowing is correct, but only because of tragic death.
** It's sad when foreshadowing is correct, but only because you end up owning a fixed chihuahua. Who humps things anyway.

To discuss MILF: On the Playground Is Where I Spent Most of My Days

It's the last Friday of the month.
What does that mean?
Well, it means I'm moving. Yes, I took today off to move across town, with the aid of my family. But more on that later. Right now, the last Friday means...
... MILF. It's the third time around for Music I Loved Friday. The first one featured Britney Spears, the second one was Blink 182, and this time it's...

Hey, I'm moving, the Fresh Prince is moving, it all makes sense, right? Here's the extended version of the theme song. Do you know alllll the lyrics?

Flashback:
It's the mid-1990s. I'm in middle school, which, retrospectively, is the third ring of hell. But, at least there's good TV on, right? Friends, Mad About You, Seinfeld, Saved by the Bell: The College Years (OK, maybe not that one). Now, back in time:

I wonder if I'll grow chest hair? Hmm. Is that a chest hair? No, no, that's a corn flake. Dang it. I just wish I could be like the cool kids on TV, like Joey from Blossom. Whoa! I wonder if I, too, should tie a flannel shirt around my waist. Or name my firstborn Six.
Wait, what's this show? It's an entire show with black people. Does NBC know this? I thought they were adverse to diversity.
I like it, though. That Fresh Prince dude is totally tubular.* Who knew that a rapper could be such a good actor?**
I wonder if I should start doing the Carlton dance at my school dances. Will the fly honeys like it? I can sing "It's Not Unusual" at the same time. That seems like a guaranteed panty dropper.
Speaking of which, I'm torn between which girl is hotter- Hilary or Ashley. Hilary was fooling around with that Trevor guy for a bit, but lucky for me, he died in that bungee jumping accident. And Ashley, well, her music career didn't take off, despite Will's best attempts at being her manager. I felt bad for her when she was at the record store signing event, and no one showed up.
Actually, Will fails a bunch on this show, doesn't he? He did end up getting Boyz II Men at Nicky's christening, I guess, but most times, he's just a Silly Willy.
Wow, he and Carlton just got ripped a new one for having that pool party when Uncle Phil was gone! He's so upset, he took them to court! Oh, Uncle Phil, chill-ax!
Hey now... this theme song, it's catchy. I think I can remember all the words. That should improve my street cred, because nothing says street cred like white people learning the rap lyrics to a show all about rich black people.
"In West Philadelphia born and raised..."
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* Or whatever slang was in at that time. Cowabunga? Neat-o?
** I would later take this back after watching I-Robot.

To discuss MILF: Blink and you'll miss today's featured artist

It's the last Friday of the month.
What does that mean?
Well, it means a paycheck for some of you, a reason to drink for others and a reminder for still others that they have another weekend of lonely Sex and the City reruns and cosmos ahead of them.
And... MILF. Yes, it's the second edition of Music I Loved Friday. The first one featured Britney Spears...and this time it's:
Blink 182! This is a special shout-out after they announced at the Grammys they were pulling a Backstreet Boys and reuniting. Remember their crazy, semi-nude music videos? Actually, do you remember music videos at all? Please remind me.



Flashback:
It's 1997-98, and, like all high school freshmen*, I'm trying to look cool. Fortunately, I've got a sweet set of... braces and a great pair of... glasses to pull this off. To say I had to beat the ladies off with a stick would be a malicious, bald-faced lie. So I won't say that... Now, back in time:

This "Can't Hardly Wait" movie is phenomenal. I have a feeling that Jennifer Love Hewitt has one great career ahead of her. She has a firm head on her boobs.*** I can feel all the teenage angst in this movie, angst I can relate to! I think I'll watch this movie again and again, as if it's comparable to "The Breakfast Club," when clearly, it's not. But what do I know, I'm a teenager.

And this soundtrack is great- Guns N Roses, Third Eye Blind, Missy Elliott ... But who is this other band? Blink One Hundred and Eighty Two? That's a long name. I'm feeling their song, "Dammit"**, though. It's catchy in a "punk rock your mom doesn't know she shouldn't let you listen to" kind of way.
I'm going to have to download this illegally on Napster or some other pirating site that, perhaps some day, will become the downfall of the music industry until the introduction of an as-yet invented iTunes program. Or something like that.

Flash forward a couple years
Can TRL possibly get any better? That Carson Daly has it all- music videos AND Jennifer Love Hewitt! I'm still really liking Blink- "All the Small Things," "Stay Together for the Kids," "The Rock Show," all good stuff... And, hey, they released an album called "Take Off Your Pants and Jacket," which only took me a few weeks to realize that's a euphemism. Now I just hope they don't get too successful and breakupohcraptheydid.

Other Top Played Songs Around Blink 182's early TRL fame ("All the Small Things" era):
* Backstreet Boys, "Larger than Life"
* Britney Spears, "Crazy"
* Limp Bizkit, "Nookie"
* Kid Rock, "Cowboy"
* 98 Degrees "I Do (Cherish You and Star in Reality TV Shows)"
-------------------------------
* Let's assume now that everytime I do MILF, you're going to gasp and say "I was, like, 30, by then" or say "I was, like, still a mess of sperm, eggs, and misfortune then."
** I remember being worried about saying the song title because I didn't want to swear. Damn it.
*** I don't think it's an exaggeration to say the movie producers milked Jen Love's sweater puppies for all they were worth... then, she did "I Know What You Did Last Summer" and took cleavage to new heights.

To discuss a new feature that will take you way back

In an attempt to overextend myself like the Saved by the Bell crew trying to mass produce Screech's Spaghetti Sauce, here's a new monthly feature, Music I Loved Friday, or MILF.
It's a look back at old-school songs of yesterdecade, remembering where I was and what I thought when the song came out. I probably hate the song now, but at the time, it was all the rage.
And what better way to start than with...

Baby One More Time! Here's the video, for those interested. I didn't embed it so you wouldn't have it unexpectedly blaring from your work computer.

Flashback:
It's January, 1999, the winter of my sophomore year of high school (commence groans by those older than me, and "dude, you're old" by those younger, like female Andy). I'm kicking back after school, watching music videos on this channel that used to play music videos, called MTV, now known as Reality World Television.* And what pops up on TRL, hosted by the affable Carson Daly?

Britney Spears? Who's this broad? Why is she so bubbly? And... wh...wha... whaaaahhh? She's grinding in high school hallways in a school girl outfit? I'm entranced! And I think she's singing about sexual relations... although 16 is a little young to be telling your boyfriend to hit you in bed.
As I stared past my ominous braces and through my thick glasses at the flickering screen, I was quite sure a superstar was before my eyes, although it would be hard for her to be better than that Destiny's Child group. I can't stop singing "No, No, No," although something bothers me about that lead singer. She looks like a real.... where was I?

Oh yeah, Britney Spears. Well, I'll give you a chance. This song is catchier than herpes at homecoming. And that pink sports bra is doing something for me, although I don't know exactly what- fortunately, I have sex ed class tomorrow, so I should find out soon.

I think good things will happen to this girl. She seems to love dancing too. Maybe she'll meet a nice boy dancer one day and have one... no, two! kids who can grow up with divorced and inebriated loving parents.

Billboard's Top Five Songs Around That Time:
1. Cher- Believe
2. TLC- No Scrubs
3. Monica- Angel of Mine
4. Whitney Houston- Heartbreak Hotel
5. Britney Spears- Baby One More Time

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What did you think when this song came out?

Thanks to those who checked out my new work blog (also on entertainment topics). Here's today's post, on Super Bowl stuff I wish would happen. Let me shamelessly ask you to add it to your reader. Your Google reader likes the gluttonous punishment. I promise to limit the mentions of the blog from now on.

To discuss people pretending to be me: November means I'm in the band.

This Andy Shaw of the Month entry is a little late, but I think it's worth it. As always, this post is about other Andy/Andrew Shaws out there, likely living better, more fulfulling lives. Sometimes it's about those with the same name, while last month, it was about how Capricorn's parents think I look like Michael Phelps.

This month, I'm a rock star!

Evidently, I have my own band: The Andy Shaw Band, out of Columbus, Ohio (other Andy Shaw: I'm giving you free press here, so don't get all copyright crazy on me).
My musical stylings are a "mix of The Beatles, some Jack Johnson, and sounds motivated from (my) Columbus, Ohio roots."

What are sounds from Columbus, Ohio? I imagine it involves a lot of sizzling bacon and jackhammering.

The Andy Shaw Band must be on its way to being famous, because the web site looks crazy professional; even the Columbus Dispatch said "my" latest release is "a tantalizing slice of pop charm and rock grooves." (I think they meant to say a tantalizing slice of bacon.)
Would you believe this Andy Shaw is also 25? But, unlike me, he spent the past 12 years training on jazz and classical trumpet. I spent the past 12 months potty training my dog.

I'm proud of this Andy Shaw. He's doing something with his life. He even has a Facebook Fan page, so you know he's legit.

Do you know any bands named after you?

To discuss a Month in Review: Mr. October

If anything, each passing month seems to be more interesting than the last, which I take to be a good thing. It's been three months since I started this blog. In the past month, I've reached my 100 post mark, been to the top of the Gateway Arch in St. Louis, and paid people to make me feel nauseated. I even debuted a video, with another on the way.
On to the good stuff:

• Favorite movie: "Home Alone" Technically, I did not see this movie in October, but Capricorn (the girlfriend) bought it and we intend to watch it soon. There are so many things to like about this movie: The soundtrack, the pranks, Macaulay Culkin before he got full of himself in "Home Alone 2," lax airport security before 9/11, pumping someone's guts full of lead...Runner-up: "No Country for Old Men."(I haven't actually watched it, but I have the Blockbuster by Mail package on top of my DVD player, so I feel I've viewed its awesomeness by osmosis.)
  
• Least favorite movie: "Quarantine." Duh. I do expect anyone who has since seen this movie to leave a comment with their thoughts. I appreciate all of you who listened to my words of warning. Runner-up: Some random movie on AMC made in the 1970s about a haunted painting.
  
• Favorite song: "Use Somebody" Kings of Leon. This band has quickly become one of my favorite bands of late. I put this song on Capricorn's mix CD, in part because I thought "Sex on Fire" might be a bit too strong of a message. Runner up: "Always Where I Need to Be," The Kooks.
  
• Least favorite song: "Miss Independent" Ne-yo. Did nobody let him know that Kelly Clarkson already dibbed this?...Runner-up "T-Shirt," Shontelle (Did nobody let her know that Jessica Simpson already dibbed this?).
  
• Favorite album: "Amnesiac" Radiohead. But Andy, hasn't this album been out for almost a decade? Why, yes, Voice in My Head, it has, but this is my post so deal with it... This was the album that got me hooked on Radiohead, which makes no sense because it's one of their least popular and well-known albums. When people think of Radiohead, they think of "Creep" from Pablo Honey, or "Karma Police" from OK Computer. A song from Amnesiac is like the redheaded stepchild that's awkward and misunderstood, but you realize has a lot of potential- Tampanga on early episodes of "Boy Meets World," if you will... I could listen to "I Might Be Wrong" or "Dollars & Cents" a thousand times, even though Thom Yorke's pronunciation skills are somewhere between Eliza Doolittle with a mouth full of marbles and Stephen Hawking. You know an album is weird when your girlfriend wakes up in the middle of a song and asks why people are banging broomsticks. Runner-up: "Causing a Catastrophe-Live," Flickerstick. (No least favorite album... but feel free to suggest one).
  
• Best TV Show: "Raising the Bar" This TNT show isn't the best TV show I watched, technically. But I can't stop watching it, in part because there are Saved by the Bell connections, in part because one of the attorneys, Bobbi, needs to be the mother of my child based on her predilection to being hot all the time, and in part because it's the first legal show I've seen that focuses on the public defender's office. Runner up: "30 Rock" and "America's Next Top Model."
  
• Worst TV show: NFL broadcasts. I love watching football, but I can't stand the announcers and the pre-game guys. They always have to say "National Football League" instead of using the acronym; they can't just say "field," it's the "football field"; and they have trouble forming sentences that aren't directly based off of what the previous guy said. If they were talking about the election, it'd go like this: First dude: "When you're talking about winning the election to become president of the United States of America, you need to make sure you're driving home the votes in the final hours with the citizens of the United States of America." Second dude: "You're absolutely right. Being the president of the United States of America is all about dedication, and no one shows dedication with Americans more than someone who is running for the presidency in the United States of America."
  
• Best moment: Fall Fest 2008 and my trip to St. Louis.
  
• Worst moment: It was a good month, I have to say. But I do wish that I wasn't so quickly forgotten at my alma mater.
  
• Best decision: Applying to go to the St. Louis seminar for reporters, which reminded me of why I like my career.
  
• Worst decision: Starting the Jaguars' Fred Taylor over the Panthers' DeAngelo Williams last week in my fantasy football game, as Taylor laid an egg and Williams scored a bunch of points. It cost me a victory- my first one this season. If you are a girl and could care less about those two guys, continue reading and pretend this paragraph never happened. If you are a dude or a girl who likes sports and is awesome, feel my pain.
• Favorite Blog Entry by Me: I had two fun co-blogs in October, one with Miss Tiff and one with Amy XXOO. Runner up: To Discuss Making Capricon Uber-legal to Date.
  
• Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: Sam I Am had one of the funniest posts I've read in a long time, recalling jr. high school life in abridged form. A sample: "Bell: Gym class...football!...Me: I'll be center *slam* (smashes into one girl) *boom* (knocks another one over) *whap (Bulldozers another)...Random girl: two people cover Sam...Me to teammate: We're undefeated."... Runner-up: "Scary Experience" by Sheila (it'll freak you out) and "Not For the Weak Stomachs in the Audience" by Muffy Willowbrook (hysterical and off-putting).
  
  Quick blog thought: If you regularly read this blog and you noticed that I've never checked your blog out, please let me know. I do try to visit everyone who visits me, in particular those who leave a comment. If you don't say anything, I'll assume you're just an Internet stalker, which is fine with me. If you've never left a comment on here before, now's a great time to start. It'll be therapeutic. You can even make fun of me, like we're back in middle school and I'm noticeably scrawnier with an affinity for pop rock like Duncan Sheik.

To discuss some quick updates...

Taking a break from the longer posts (I'm not a freakin' machine) for some quick highlights of recent days and conversations:

• While watching men's synchronized diving (?!?!), a few coworkers and I talked about how the announcers at every event don't even try to hide their pro-America bias and try to create rivalries amongst countries where none really exist. It would be better, we thought, if there more countries competing against the U.S. in the Olympics that we really don't get along with (French don't count, freedom fries notwithstanding)... How about an Iraqi vs. American water polo match? Even better, we'll level the playing field by choosing a sport more in line with the Taliban... So, let's try competitive synchronized suicide bombing! There won't be any qualifying rounds, and the winner takes home virgins in heaven instead of gold medals. If the U.S. loses, they pull out of Iraq. I see a win-win here. Option B: Weapons of Mass Destruction relay race.
  
• After spending the weekend in my hometown, I now have one of my mom's 9x9 baking dishes. We'll see if this one has destructive tendencies. My mom wasn't nearly as amazed by randomly shattering cookware as I was.
  
• While driving back to my house, I listened to these songs, in order and uninterrupted: Dre and Snoop, "Nuthin' But a G Thang," Vertical Horizon, "Everything You Want," Debussy, "Beau Soir," Lil Wayne, "Lollipop," Coldplay, "Sparks."... Holy eclectic. While I'm totally gangsta (to prove it, I can rap "Big Poppa" or "Gin and Juice" anytime), my music tastes are a little gay, even if Beau Soir is an incredible song and one you should download immediately. The list was done with"shuffle song" mode on my iPod. "Bring Him Home" from Les Miserables even came up. Have you listened to any random songs lately?
• Found out more of my college friends are getting married and/or getting pregnant. In related news, WTF.
• I haven't seen Mazda 3 girl since last week. I'm wondering if she is timing her entrances and exits to avoid having to talk to the weird guy with the undersized wiener dog.
• One of my readers is semi-famous this month. Another is making me consider what my requirements are for potential dates.
  
• Great feedback on the holding hands post. Glad you liked it. Glad you like the whole blog, actually. Feel free to give me topic ideas. Like, now.
  

To discuss 90s music: Why speaking is better than singing

This must be mentioned. It's come up in several of my conversations recently, which means either God wants me to write about it, or that I am terrible at bringing up new topics in conversation.

I'm not sure if anything in the 90s caused more panties to drop, more candles to be lit, more sweet, sweet love to be passionately and wrecklessly made, than those dulcet tones of Boyz II Men. It will be no secret, as this blog continues in the future, that I am a much bigger fan of 90s music than 80's music, due in part to it's better, and due in part to the fact I was in diapers in the 80s, so I was much more Like a Bedwetter than Like a Virgin.
In fact, I plan on writing a Top 90s song and movie list bound to lead you to iTunes for immediate gratifiaction. That sound you heard? Your jaw dropping. Please pick it up and let's move on.

So, Boyz II Men sold millions upon millions of albums. Ultrasuccessful. Their version of Silent Night is so good I listen to it in July, and So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday is auralgasmic (that just sounds like it's a real word, doesn't it?).
But what I've come to appreciate the most about this Philly quartet is about two octaves down.
Michael McCary. Bass. Anchor. Aforementioned seeker of undergarments.
It's not about his singing, which is pleasant. It's about how he pioneered those killer spoken word segments that announced to females, "Hey, you know we could've done a breathtaking four-part harmony here, but instead, I'm speaking to you, real tender-like, and it's going to melt your secret areas."
While Wanye was busy cranking out the high notes, big Mike is sweet talking. This is what gets me. I know many women that love a man who can sing. But Mike? He says 'screw that.' You want a real man? Let me low-talk you about how you've been sleeping around and I'm taking you back anyway. Let my voice make James Earl Jones sound like a pubescent boy on a first date. Let me say things low and slow, because it's sexy, and we also need to fill 4 minutes.
Have you heard any boy bands do this successfully since? Don't think so.
What, Lance Bass was going to low-talk for NSync? "Baby, I just want to tell you... you mean the world to me... you're handsome and such a great dresser, and your facial hai... I mean, I love ladies. Boys are gross..."
So here's what I'm wondering. It's been a decade-plus since BIIM paved the way for spoken-word savants everywhere to make women puddy in their hands. But I don't think I'll ever be able to use it. I'd love to go up to a girl and low-talk her, but then I'll sound like a pervert, and I'd still need three other dudes singing behind me.
But maybe this can work in other areas of life.... "Baby, you know me too well. You know I've been gone too long...So take this purchase back, beautiful Target cashier. I've got the receipt. You've got my heart, oh yeeaaahhh"
No?

On a related note, bet you didn't know McCary had to eventually drop out of Boyz II Men. He developed scoliosis. So, kids, you've now learned that when you spend your life on bended knee and making love "all through the night," you get curvature of the spine. Lesson learned.