Monday, September 13, 2010

To discuss fantasy reality: Better than fantasy football, more fun than real life

Here at Wild ARS Chase, Wild ARS likes to keep things interesting. I also evidently like to talk in the third person. Who says "Here at Wild ARS Chase..." ?!? Geez, Andy, pull it together.

So you may have heard about the big television event over the weekend. No, not the MTV VMA's. I haven't even watched my Tivo'd taping of that yet. It's getting harder to watch it because I know fewer and fewer artists, and I get tired of watching Kanye get attention for anything. If any of you recapped it or want to recap it, let me know and you can guest post it.

The big event I'm talking about was the opening of the NFL season for most of the teams. Sorry, Australia, I know our American football is for pansies, but we still like it. And with the opening of the season comes fantasy football, which I've written about before. I'm in two leagues- one with college friends, another led by a former co-worker who is now an ESPN columnist. I'd tell you more about my teams, but guys talking about their fantasy teams is the ultimate anti-aphrodisiac. I'm getting flaccid just thinking about it.*

* Flaccid is such a funny word.

Most of my readers, I'm guessing, could care less about fantasy football. But what if I were to suggest a new version of the game called Wild ARS's Fantasy Reality? Anyone can play as long as you are living. Want to play? It's simple.

You don't need a draft. You're the only person on the team. "Crap!," you think. "I'm terrible at reality! Can't I sign a free agent?" No, unfortunately, you can't, as what you are requesting is cloning and that's not legal in most countries. You can, however, hire a life coach. Good coaching is the key to any fantasy victory.

Now on to the points. In fantasy football, team owners get various points based on how players on their teams perform. If Adrian Peterson of the Vikings gets 100 rushing yards and a touchdown, I get 16 points, for example, while Adrian Peterson most likely gets laid when he gets home.

But in Wild ARS Fantasy Reality, you can't get points for rushing yards, because at no point in your day will you find yourself on a grass field with sequential numbers and evenly spaced dividing lines. And the only touchdowns you score are in the bedroom (we'll get to that later).

So how do I score points, Andy?

Wild ARS Fantasy Reality Game Scoring(Double click on photo to enlarge)

Let me know if you've scored any points this week. And if there are any points categories you feel need to be added, by all means, let me know. I wouldn't want you to miss the opportunity to score points in Fantasy Reality, the game where life is better because there's a quantifiable goal (patent pending).


Anonymous said...

I'm disappointed that feeding cats is 0 points. Can we add pointage for doing yard work? Over in South Western PA he leaves are already falling!

I like the Not Mentioning Justin Bieber - however now you're making me think about him MORE.

How do you know when we're cheating? I cheat in real life so I'm most likely going to cheat in fake life.

That Kind of Girl said...

Am I the only one who thinks that doing all of the 1- through 500-point activities sounds like a pretty okay date?

Anonymous said...

Hmm.. I definitely wrack up in the zero point category. And I am known to drink before noon on Saturdays (I mean... HELLO... football games start early, right?)So, I have at least 10 points. Or do you get 10 points for each drink you have before noon? In that case... well, I'd have more.

Jenners said...

Lots of points for me for reading real books ... but I cry foul on getting no points for laundry or feeding my kid. I think I might stop those two now.

Amy xxoo said...

Woo - i get 1 point for pondering the meaning of life after being both literally and virtually defriended this week. Also, i intend on starting a real book in the next few days so i can i have my points for that in advance?

DSS said...

Well, I earned 5pts. BUT...then I lost them for caring about the Kardashians.

Clarificatin - I don't really CARE about the Kardashians. I am, however, addicted to that damn show.

Josh said...

Wait. Real people actually get jobs at ESPN? I thought that was a myth.

Amy, Woman Exploding said...

I was scoring BIG TIME points until I got to the Ovaltine part. Bleck! Can't you scratch that one out and replace with "wine or other alcoholic beverage"?

kisatrtle said...

How much for two bottles of wine?

tee said...

Disqualified. :\

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