To discuss turning me into a tiny dancer

So I'm kinda sorta becoming a dancer.

I suppose it was inevitable. I watch "So You Think You Can Dance" with a thoroughly furrowed brow. I enjoy dancing at the club.*

* Which is sooooo easy for a straight guy. A) Step behind girl B) Bend her over a little bit if you're a gentleman, or a lot if you have mommy issues C) Shake her booty into your crotch while raising one hand in the air, possibly fist pumping if you are in Jersey, possibly smacking her butt if you're a douche.

I took dancing classes when I was a kid, and by dancing, I mean I dressed up like a flaming Indian. I watched Bing Crosby dance with Danny F****** Kaye in "White Christmas."** I even started dating a dancer recently.

** Quote attributed to Clark W. Griswold

Now I have to be, like, a real dancer. In "Music Man," I have to be one of the featured dancers in all the group numbers, and since my "Macarena" training in middle school gym class has done me as much good as pre-algebra in the aforementioned school, I have to work a lot harder just to get basic steps.

I've been spending weekends and many weeknights learning choreography (that word always makes me think of Danny Kaye's really random "Choreography" dance number in White Christmas, speaking of which).

I've had to do a chassé. I had to learn what a chassé is. And mostly, I've had to figure out how to get my feet and hands to do what I'm telling them to do, an accomplishment you'd think God would have made easier for humans, but evidently God didn't enjoy "Center Stage"*** or "Flashdance." God did, however, enjoy "You Got Served." Of this, I am certain.

*** Very underrated movie. It's also the major film debut, I believe, of a certain actress who later starred in the biggest blockbuster of all time.

So I'd like to hear from you, dear online friend, about any embarrassing dance-related experiences. Please make me feel better.

To discuss the bad news and the good or bad news depending on your view

It's been more than a week since I posted.

What gives, you ask? (P.S. You're supposed to have noticed it's been that long.)

A couple of things.

Do you want the good news or bad news first?

OK, let's go with bad news, as you have no say in this matter.

Capricorn and I are no more. In what amounted to a mutual decision made recently, Capricorn and I have decided to just be friends. For those of you who have read my blog since it's inception, you've been there for the very beginning of my relationship with Capricorn (even back when she got her name). Please know she and I are still very much friends, and that it's just one of those things that happens, and that I still think she is an amazing person. We have a lot of history (history chronicled quite often on this very blog), and that's always difficult to move on from, but in the same light, I treasure that and accept it's time to start a new history.

I told her that one of the things I least wanted to deal with as a result of our break-up is tell all of you, as you've been following along with us. But now you know. And I hope one day Capricorn finds her perfect man, although I doubt he'll own a chiweenie. Also, happy belated birthday, Capricorn...

OK, let's get to the good news (or the bad news, in a way):

My latest musical, 1776, opens this coming weekend! That's pulled me away from blogging, since we are constantly at practice. I barely even see Bailey, who is starting to give me looks when I get home like, "I slaved over a hot stove all day cooking dinner for you, and you come strolling in at 11 p.m. like you's somebody. Oh no you didnnnnttt."* I tell him this is paid, professional theater, but he just rolls his eyes, tells me he "has a headache" and goes straight to bed.

* In my head, sometimes my chiweenie sounds like a Latina Lucille Ball.

We have shows every weekend from now until mid-August (e-mail me at wildarschase dot yahoo dot com for info if you are in the York/Harrisburg area or want the theater's Web site, where you can see my cast bio).

As proof, here's a photo of me dressed as Roger Sherman, a delegate from Connecticut. You can't see yet (more photos will come at later dates), but I've got hose on. I find them slimming. You'll notice I'm wearing a wig, but please don't stare, as the wig has a habit of making the ladies' knees shake with anticipation.

But that's not all. I also auditioned for ANOTHER musical, "The Music Man," at the same theater, as I'm both a glutton for punishment and evidently the gayest straight man this side of Ryan Seacrest. And I got really lucky, because I got cast as the understudy for Harold Hill, the male lead; I'll also be a salesman/dancer. That show runs late August through early October, every weekend.

Basically, I've got about five months' worth of shows coming up, which is an insane decision and yet delightful, kind of like eating Taco Bell. But I've got no plans to ignore Wild ARS Chase, as I love you all too much and, well, hell, those Cosmopolitans aren't going to review themselves. So be patient with me, and your reward will be ... more photos of me in wigs and hose. Deal?