To discuss a TV Play by Play: Bromance Is For Lovers

After last week's manlove fest, could MTV's "Bromance" get any stranger and more homoerotic this week?
You bet your tighty whities! It's another Bromance Play by Play.

:02 Brody gets right into the action by asking Lauren Conrad to come interview the bros, Dating Game style. I'm disappointed he didn't ask former best bro Spencer Pratt to do this. It would have been high comedy, just as it was watching that ridiculous MTV live wedding marathon hosted by Spencer and Heidi on New Year's Day. Actual conversation- Spencer to groom: "Hey, your fiance just told me she's got cold feet. You willing to back out too?" Groom: "Uh..." Spencer: "Just kidding man, I just made that up. Haha! I got you."
:04 Gary is wholeheartedly trying to replace my title as Straight Dude with Way Too Many Gay Tendencies (it comes with a trophy, a Banana Republic gift card and a lack of male friends who can fix cars or drink lagers). When Lauren asks him why he'd be a good boyfriend, Gary responds he likes to shop and loves to cuddle. He later compliments her shoes. In a related development, Gary gets his own spinoff, "Bromance II: I'll Consider 'It' If I Get to be Pitcher and He Gets to Be Catcher."
:07 Alex wins the challenge. Femi, who went crazy last episode and called himself animal names, can't believe he lost, despite the fact he's lost every time. He's clueless, like the creepy older guy who goes clubbin' and tries to dance with your girl friends. In 50 years, I expect Femi to be grinding on some scared college sophomore and calling himself a "Bald Eagle."
:13 It wouldn't be Bromance without some homoerotic action: Brody's real life best friends bust in on him while he's taking a shower. Brody can't believe they did this, despite the fact the cameraman was filming before they entered. What was that cameraman thinking before they entered? "So... Brody... this is awkward."
:18 Annndddd all the guys have their shirts off, again, a Brotrait of this show. This time it's for a Slip 'n' Slide Jered put together using garbage bags, a sprinkler and lube water. The guys are supposed to come up with an activity that represents them and would impress Brody. And yet Jered chose a Slip 'n' Slide, evidently because lathering sunscreen on each other would be just a little too over the top.
:23 Alex cements his spot as a future "OMG He's so CUTE" teen girl's text when he plays guitar and sings. Gary cements his spot as a future "OMG He's so CUTE" teen boy's text when he conducts a dance class and gets into a dance-off with Femi.
:35 Femi's activity is hygiene advice. That idea bombs, so he takes the next logical step and gets a tattoo. I literally stopped the Tivo when he announced this, not because it was going to be a near-replica of the lettering Brody has on his ribs, but because I couldn't believe the tattoo wasn't a tramp stamp of a butterfly. That would be more Bromantical, right?
:45 The other guys ask Femi why he got the tattoo. Femi ignores the question and proceeds to go off about his dead homies back in Orlando. "Family is all I got," Femi says, which is why he auditioned for a reality show thousands of miles away to be the best friend of a stranger.
:48 It's elimination time. Brody says Jered shouldn't have told Lauren that he likes to look at a girl's ass. Brody, that was about the only straight, girl-loving comment I've heard on the series so far. Let the man speak.
:50 Brody respects Femi for getting a tattoo... and for keeping ratings up. Femi stays, allowing him another week's worth of comparing himself to animals and shouting at bystanders, not unlike an overzealous zookeeper.
:55 Down to two guys: Jered and Gary. To make the decision about who gets booted off, Brody says he wants to "handle it like men." In the spirit of Bromance, I can only hope it's Greco-Roman wrestling or something involving the words "prostate."
:57 Nope. Brody had them blindfolded (kinky, but...) and then shot Jered with a paintball gun, marking him a goner. I think a mechanical bull would have been more appropriate for Bromance. Maybe next week.

To discuss things I learned from Cosmo

I have no shame in admitting I occasionally read Cosmo. What's that, Andy? Your man card is being rejected?
Eh, I barely used it, anyway.

Capricorn had the November edition in her car, so I start perusing through the glossy pages. Here are things I found. If you wouldn't normally read Cosmo because it's basically softcore porn for women, then stop here:

• When Lauren Conrad wants to feel sexy, she puts on"fancy panties." Something about that phrase sounds very unsexy, like they are rhinestone-covered granny panties.
• "Sneaky Signs He's Dating Other Chicks," such as "he waits forever to call." I've got another one- If he asks you what to get the other girl for Christmas, then he's probably dating other chicks.
  
• On a list of 75 naughty tricks, Cosmo advises women to "flash back to high school' by keeping panties on during sex. Is that what happens during high school? I just remember studying and playing sports... Are you still a virgin if you keep them on?
• A question about guys: "He sometimes says 'Take it, bitch!' during sex, and it weirds me out." Hahahahahahahaha. That's fantastic. And appropriate.
  
• To make a guy friend consider you as a girlfriend, "take him out for a spicy dinner, like Mexican or Thai. The hot sensation triggers an unconscious personality association, so he'll see you as a fiery chick." Also, he'll associate you with a Pepto Bismol commercial.
• To avoid getting a speeding ticket, tell the officer you are "about 30 seconds away from" peeing your seat. So, not only can girls use cleavage and flirtation to get out of a ticket, now they can urinate their way out of it, too? Not fair.
• "10 Evil Ways to Get Back at an Ex." So THAT'S how they learn this stuff. Freakin' Cosmo. Example: "Pay your pregnant friend to pee on a stick that you lave for him with a 'Thanks for nothing' note attached." Good God, please don't do that.
• The "Sexiest Sips for the Fall" includes a drink called the Pink Eye. Yeah, cause nothing's sexier than shouting in a crowded bar, "Hey, can I get Pink Eye?"