To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Bromance As I Imagine It

Tivo failed me in epic fashion.
Not since a flock of geese took down a jetliner has technology let mankind down to this extent. MTV's "Bromance" season finale was Monday... and my Tivo inexplicably only recorded the last 14 minutes. If this was the Super Bowl, that would be fine, because it didn't get interesting until then. But a bromance is being decided here, not just some football game.
Not to worry, though. I've decided to use my power of imagination to recreate what I'm guessing happened during those missing minutes, similar to the missing Watergate recording.*

My first-ever TV Made-Up-Play-By-Play:
When we last left Bromance, Chris, Femi and Luke were vying for Brody Jenner's final rose. This episode, according to commercials, is supposed to include their last efforts to win Brody's heart, and possibly his body.

:03 The guys wake up in the house all snuggled in one bed after an amazing night of pillow fights, prank phone calls and toenail polishing. Chris compliments Femi's choice of periwinkle.
:07 Brody wants to see if he can trust the guys, so he has them do a lie detector test with his mom. Sample questions: "Do you find yourself looking at photos of George Clooney for extended periods of time?" "If I hung out with my other guy friends, would you get jealous" "Are you into butt play?"
:09 Femi compares himself to a python, as he is long, thick and ready to swallow anything in his path. Chris giggles.
:13 Chris gets booted off the show after Brody finds out Chris has subscription to Maxim and Playboy. Chris, emotionally distraught, pleads with Brody that he only looks at the magazines for the articles. "I read Details! I read GQ!" Chris screams to no avail.
:18 Brody decides he needs a taste of each guy...'s hometown, so the trio fly to Femi's hometown in Orlando. Femi is so excited about Brody coming over that he gets another tattoo. Brody is not impressed. The camera reveals the tattoo, shown on the right.
:24 The boys have a night on the town. Luke gets jealous that Brody shares an ice cream cone with Femi.
:32 It's Luke's turn, as the trio head to Boston. Gay rights advocates, understandably confused by the premise of "Bromance," hold a parade for the guys.
:34 Luke gives Femi the wrong directions to a nightclub so he can have alone time with Brody, as they enjoy a night of dinner and dancing. Luke makes a pasta dinner, but chickens out at the last second to run with his "Lady and the Tramp" idea. Too soon, too soon.
:42 A cargo van conveniently full of college cheerleaders, birth control pills and whipped cream is stuck on the side of the road. Brody, Femi and Luke slow down their car... and dial 911, before continuing to a community theater production of "Hairspray." "Whew. Those girls could have been stranded with nothing to do!" Femi says.
And on to the actual footage:
:46 Luke tells Femi he paid too much attention to his girlfriend when the group was at Femi's hometown. Femi responds, "She doesn't mean that much to me, so I don't see that." And the award for biggest jerk of a boyfriend goes to...
:47 Brody calls out Femi for going back and forth on his girlfriend. Femi: "To be honest with you, I do I love her homie." Unfortunately Femi, she's seen this show, so the feeling isn't mutual.
:54 In a great reality show ending, Luke and Femi are sent to different parts of a building- one for the loser, one for the winner. The loser has to watch the winner celebrate, over closed-circuit TV. Let's hope the loser pulls a Faith Hill.

:56 And the winner is... Luke! Femi looks like someone kicked his gay puppy.
:58 MTV plays Kanye's "Stronger" to finish the show, but I think "It's Raining Men" would be more appropriate.
:59 I would like this to be considered my formal entry request for Bromance 2: Boys Night Out.**



* Is it over-the-top to compare illegal presidential activity with Bromance? Not sure.
** Just kidding Capricorn. I like chicks.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Bromance's Next Top Model

It's nearly the season finale of Brody Jenner's search for a new best friend, "Bromance," which is good, because a new season of MTV's Making the Band is coming up soon. I can't wait to see what happens with Danity Kane. I'm through trying to hide my excitement. Unless I'm in public. With my girlfriend. Then I'm supposed to talk about trucks and weightlifting.
Last week's Bromance play-by-play is here. This one is as homoerotic as ever.

:03 The boys, wearing matching dress shirts (!), arrive at a spa (!), where Brody tells them he's been working on a line of jeans and the boys are going to model them (!!!) on the red carpet. The boys don't know it's a hoax and Brody's trying to test their limits. Brody, however, doesn't know the show is a hoax and the producers are trying to test his sexuality.
:05 The jeans are low-rise with rhinestones all over, what I imagine a Rhinestone Cowboy would wear if he was trying to pick up a dude. Even better, Brody calls the fake jean line "BJ," as in Brody Jenner, although obviously, he points it, it could mean something else (by something else, that means oral sex. Just didn't want to assume you knew). Brody, if you're trying to give this show any semblance of heterosexuality, don't have guys wearing low-cut BJs.
:11 The boys try on the extremely tight jeans, and are told to lose the underwear, causing what appears to be a mass exodus of denim-covered flesh turtles to strain against my TV. Fortunately, this episode is not in 3D, or I think I might have accidentally made it to second base.
:15 Femi is the only guy to tell Brody the jeans suck, which actually is a good thing because Brody likes the honesty. So why then in middle school when you told someone their clothes suck, you get sent to the principal's office?
:20 Let me take this moment to ask, Whatever became of Paris Hilton's new BFF? I haven't seen her in magazines, on TV, or in any night vision movies since she won... This doesn't bode well for Brody's winner.
:23 The guys strut it on the red carpet, although they don't know it's full of fake paparazzi. Femi gets asked if Brody's jeans are cut too low. Femi: "Crack isn't whack, son." Yes, Femi, yes it is, unless you're the Coppertone girl. Other comments by the guys: "Brody has a great body... I had to rock the banana hammock today.... I'm always in my Brodys... BJs all the way."
:29 Femi wins the challenge because he was honest... and possibly because he said "BJs all the way. He wins a shopping spree. At this point, the show isn't even trying to make this look like a straight relationship. I'm hoping next week's episode will be set in Massachusetts.
:33 Chris says he's tired of "The Bromantic Duo," Luke and Alex, always hanging out. Chris, just because they've found true Bromance doesn't mean there's not a lucky guy out there for you. Maybe you'll get a spin off like New York did on VH1.
:34 For the next challenge, Brody has a woman (a woman!), who just happens to be Playmate of the Year, interview each of the guys to see who can be comfortable in front of a beautiful woman. This shouldn't be a problem. Women love gay guys.
:38 Jayde, the Playmate, evidently was told by producers, "Um, here's the thing. We haven't really had any girls on this show, and we only have one straight, male viewer, and we're not even quite sure he's straight. So can you just come on with an extremely low cut shirt, lick your lips a few times like you might put out, and flirt with some potentially gay dudes? You can? Awesome."
:45 Jayde picks Chris, the nerdy guy with the confidence problem, as the guy she most enjoyed. As his reward, he gets to spend time in the hot tub with Jayde and another Playmate. In true Bromance style, Chris doesn't take advantage of this to have a Real World-style threesome. He instead talks about his feelings.
:53 It's elimination time. The two with absolutely nothing in common with Brody, Chris and Femi, are safe. Brody splits up Luke and Alex by sending Alex home, as a montage of all the great Aluke (get it?) moments are played. You'd think they were in an actual relationship, as many of the moments involve them nearly naked and hugging each other.
:56 Next week on Bromance... oh I'm a genius! For the season finale, Brody is visiting the hometowns of each of the finalists, which will include a visit to Massachusetts. This should set up everything perfectly for a marriage in City Hall, when Brody can give the winner the rose and they can pledge their bro-love.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Bromance means crying, wrestling and candlelit dinners

Let's get right to it. It's this week's TV Play by Play of MTV's "Bromance." For last week's update, go here. Let's get bromantic...

:01 Just one minute in, we already see two dudes wrestling each other. On top of that, Gary, who has a fro, walks by with a towel wrapped around his hair like he's about to sing "Look at Me, I'm Sandra Dee." Yep, Bromance is officially on.
:02 Brody gets in a bro-fight with his real two best friends, who are jealous they aren't invited to go camping with the Bromance dudes. A lover's quarrel. Maybe they'll have make-up sex.
:05 The challenge is for the guys to each box a tattooed, muscle-bound biker guy with his shirt off. It's almost like the producers are trying to make this as homoerotic as possible. The guys all have their shirts off, too, and, surprisingly, almost all of them look out of shape and pudgy. I suddenly feel better about my sleek self. Suck it, Cinnabon apple pie I ate almost entirely by myself last week.
:06 Femi, who continues to make black people cringe every time he speaks (see this post), says he'll have no problem boxing because "Back at home, it's hood-like for me. So this is just another day at the office." Femi, I've seen your MySpace page. Nothing about it says, "MTV True Life: I Grew Up in the Hood." It doesn't even appear you grew up in, say, the Fresh Prince's hood. I have more hood experience than you.
:15 The boys go camping and fishing. After they catch some bass, Femi guts them. Because when you grow up in the hood, you know how to gut someone with a knife, right, Femi? I'm trying to help you out here.
:18 Luke won the boxing challenge earlier, so he and Brody have a candlelit lobster dinner, one that Alex describes as "romantic." If two dudes go on a heterosexual but overtly gay dinner date, who pays? Do you go Dutch? Do you have to put out if the other guy pays? Questions to ponder.
:24 Brody reveals that his mom dated Elvis (the fat, almost dead Elvis) right before she dated the Olympian, Bruce Jenner. He also says he was conceived at the Playboy Mansion. I'm guessing Bruce Jenner isn't your dad, then, Brody. It's likely the pimp who owns that mansion.
:32 Brody plays a prank by slipping his gator inside while the boys are sleeping. And after he was done with that euphemism, he slipped an alligator into the tent where the guys are sleeping.
:36 Brody brings in a life coach! That dude is stealing my job. He has the guys grab hands and talk about their emotions. The guys all end up crying. Guys are allowed to cry, but I have never seen dudes cry as much as I have on this show. It's like they are all PMSing at the same time. Maybe their cycles have synced.
:48 It's elimination time. There are girls in bikinis lounging by tubs. Again, I wonder, are these girls actual friends of his, or are they paid? There continue to be random girls on this show, with no mention of why they are there. It would be like the Deal or No Deal girls showing up at your work to hold up spreadsheets and file folders. On second thought...
:55 Each guy who is safe gets to sit with a girl in a tub. Gary, alas, doesn't get to, because Brody sends him home. I'd tell you more, but I'm distracted by Brody's perfect complexion and his wavy hair.... no... no... nOO! He's luring me in!

Next week on Bromance, the boys model clothes for Brody. It just can't get better.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Bromance Is For Lovers

After last week's manlove fest, could MTV's "Bromance" get any stranger and more homoerotic this week?
You bet your tighty whities! It's another Bromance Play by Play.

:02 Brody gets right into the action by asking Lauren Conrad to come interview the bros, Dating Game style. I'm disappointed he didn't ask former best bro Spencer Pratt to do this. It would have been high comedy, just as it was watching that ridiculous MTV live wedding marathon hosted by Spencer and Heidi on New Year's Day. Actual conversation- Spencer to groom: "Hey, your fiance just told me she's got cold feet. You willing to back out too?" Groom: "Uh..." Spencer: "Just kidding man, I just made that up. Haha! I got you."
:04 Gary is wholeheartedly trying to replace my title as Straight Dude with Way Too Many Gay Tendencies (it comes with a trophy, a Banana Republic gift card and a lack of male friends who can fix cars or drink lagers). When Lauren asks him why he'd be a good boyfriend, Gary responds he likes to shop and loves to cuddle. He later compliments her shoes. In a related development, Gary gets his own spinoff, "Bromance II: I'll Consider 'It' If I Get to be Pitcher and He Gets to Be Catcher."
:07 Alex wins the challenge. Femi, who went crazy last episode and called himself animal names, can't believe he lost, despite the fact he's lost every time. He's clueless, like the creepy older guy who goes clubbin' and tries to dance with your girl friends. In 50 years, I expect Femi to be grinding on some scared college sophomore and calling himself a "Bald Eagle."
:13 It wouldn't be Bromance without some homoerotic action: Brody's real life best friends bust in on him while he's taking a shower. Brody can't believe they did this, despite the fact the cameraman was filming before they entered. What was that cameraman thinking before they entered? "So... Brody... this is awkward."
:18 Annndddd all the guys have their shirts off, again, a Brotrait of this show. This time it's for a Slip 'n' Slide Jered put together using garbage bags, a sprinkler and lube water. The guys are supposed to come up with an activity that represents them and would impress Brody. And yet Jered chose a Slip 'n' Slide, evidently because lathering sunscreen on each other would be just a little too over the top.
:23 Alex cements his spot as a future "OMG He's so CUTE" teen girl's text when he plays guitar and sings. Gary cements his spot as a future "OMG He's so CUTE" teen boy's text when he conducts a dance class and gets into a dance-off with Femi.
:35 Femi's activity is hygiene advice. That idea bombs, so he takes the next logical step and gets a tattoo. I literally stopped the Tivo when he announced this, not because it was going to be a near-replica of the lettering Brody has on his ribs, but because I couldn't believe the tattoo wasn't a tramp stamp of a butterfly. That would be more Bromantical, right?
:45 The other guys ask Femi why he got the tattoo. Femi ignores the question and proceeds to go off about his dead homies back in Orlando. "Family is all I got," Femi says, which is why he auditioned for a reality show thousands of miles away to be the best friend of a stranger.
:48 It's elimination time. Brody says Jered shouldn't have told Lauren that he likes to look at a girl's ass. Brody, that was about the only straight, girl-loving comment I've heard on the series so far. Let the man speak.
:50 Brody respects Femi for getting a tattoo... and for keeping ratings up. Femi stays, allowing him another week's worth of comparing himself to animals and shouting at bystanders, not unlike an overzealous zookeeper.
:55 Down to two guys: Jered and Gary. To make the decision about who gets booted off, Brody says he wants to "handle it like men." In the spirit of Bromance, I can only hope it's Greco-Roman wrestling or something involving the words "prostate."
:57 Nope. Brody had them blindfolded (kinky, but...) and then shot Jered with a paintball gun, marking him a goner. I think a mechanical bull would have been more appropriate for Bromance. Maybe next week.

To discuss a TV Play by Play of Bromance Episode 2: Attack of the Brones

I did one random TV Play by Play on Brody Jenner's search for a best friend, "Bromance," and you guys ate it up. How could I say no to another installment? For last week's episode, go here. For a breakdown of how this show goes, take your best guess and add more homoerotic thoughts to it, and there you go.

:03 Femi, a black guy, sets African Americans back about 50 years with this statement: "I don't even see the other guys at all. I'm like Sammy Davis Jr., dawg. I'm playing the piano and I don't see them." That would be a great metaphor if A) You meant Ray Charles or B) You meant Jamie Foxx's Oscar-winning performance of Ray Charles
:05 The guys compete in the Broathalon. Getting annoyed yet with the use of "bro" before every word on this sure? Well, you can shove it up your Bross. That's right. I said it.
:06 The guys compete in a Laz-E-Boy slalom event. Femi compares himself to a ferocious tiger with a giant roar. He then proceeds to wreck and scream like a giant pussy. Wrong feline, Femi.
:07 The first appearance by a girl this episode. I'll try to note this every time, because there's too much homoerotic stuff going on, so a girl helps ease the sexual tension.
:13 The next event is the blow-up doll raft and row competition, to see who can tie blow up dolls together with panties (yep), throw them in a pool and row to the other side. Femi announces he can't swim. That's OK, Femi. All these guys are itching to do mouth to mouth. This also marks the second time in two episodes the guys are half naked.
:15 The last competition in this meaningless Broathalon is a BMX bike jump event, which makes sense. When I meet new guys, I demand they ride a BMX bike off a sweet jump, Napoleon Dynamite style, to prove their worth. It's only fair. I also make sweet love to them.*
:16 Femi now declares he's "like a bald eagle," which means he's close to extinction or he shaved his vagina.
:18 Femi, who has more face time this episode than Brody, gets offended when the guys jokingly give him a dolphin figurine and say he's "like a dolphin" now. Don't be offended, Femi. Dolphins have sex for pleasure, perform neat tricks, and become best friends with Jonathan Brandis on SeaQuest DSV.
:24 In a continued effort to pass up all pretensions of this being anything other than a gay dating show, Brody has romantic fireside talks with each guy. Several of the guys cry. Brody opines who to give the rose to at the end.
:26 Gary apologizes to Femi after he threw him under the bus when talking to Brody. Femi, being a mature guy, flips out, describing Gary's action as "Femalish. That's a female trait." So, evidently, it's a female trait for a guy to confide in his male friend during a fireside chat about his anxiety over another guy. Ladies, take note.
:31 Chris P., who looks like Ace from Real World Paris, botches his FDR style chat by calling Lauren Conrad a ho, then spilling his drink on Brody. The dude is genuinely nervous, like he's on a first date. Chris, chill out. Brody isn't going to put out if you keep this up.
:40 Brody feels bad that Chris P. was nervous, so he invites him out for a night of drinking inside a freezer (yep) while wearing Russian fur hats (yep). Somehow, this plan fails. Chris P. gets sloppy drunk and ends up collapsing in the bathroom. Now Brody definitely isn't going to put out.
:46 Brody comes off as a level-headed, genuine, nice guy on this show. Why does he need a reality show for a best friend again? Well, other than the fact that his 15 minutes of fame ran out and his biggest claim to fame is being the stepbrother of a porn star?*
:50 The guys go out on a yacht for elimination time. Again, there are random girls hanging around. Where do these girls come from? Don't they have jobs? Can you get paid to be fake friends with a reality show star? How do I sign up for this if Bob Barker gets his own show-- I'd love to be a Barker's Beauty, as long as I don't have to sleep with him. The show could be called "Showcase Hodown," following Bob's exploits with the ladies. You'd watch this.
:55 More guys crying. You'd think the name of this show was "Bros Get Kicked in the Balls" or "Bros Watch Their Favorite Sports Team Lose" or "Andy Watches The Notebook."
:57 Chris P. is sent home. They make him paddle back to shore in a life raft. That's what you get for calling L.C. a ho, Chris P.
:59 Next time on Bromance: More crying, more of Femi being a diva, and Brody dressed as a Mexican. I'd expect nothing less.
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* Just kidding, Capricorn. I like girls, I promise. I've got the ex's to prove it.
** Being L.C.'s ex-boyfriend is not a claim of fame. That's a claim of shame. *Cowers while L.C. supporters sharpen their claws* And I did catch The City- anyone who wants to do a guest Play by Play on that any week is welcome. I can only take so much MTV drama.
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Later this week: The January edition of Things I Learned From Cosmo.