To discuss a Weekend Update: The Real News of Atlanta

I did not see any Real Housewives in Atlanta.

Let me make that point first, as I'm sure you were wondering that more than anything else. I did not see NeNe, and I definitely did not see Kim, as I'm sure I would've heard her singing a mile away and confused it for goat rape.

Atlanta did hold up its end of the bargain. I was entertained by the city, and even more so by the people who attended a weekend journalism seminar with me near Georgia Tech. We talked about higher education, analyzed financial aid trends, discussed politics and drank shots of Italian liquor while hearing about an orgy with a cougar.

But before I get ahead of myself, a few random Weekend Update selections:
* Yes, Capricorn and I told each other "I love you" for the first time last week. I got nervous and basically blurted it out after wanting to say it for weeks. It was akin to romantic Tourettes. Fortunately, she thought it was cute.

* After deciding to carry my second bag on the plane to avoid baggage claim, I got in line for the security check. I frantically rifled through the bag to toss out any fluids larger than the guidelines. Out went some shaving cream, a bottle of water and a biological weapon (it was over 6 ounces.) At the same time, I was unzipping the other bag and getting my laptop out so it could be put in its own bin through the X-ray machine. At the same time, I was taking off my belt and my shoes so I could pass through the metal detector. The people behind me likely thought I was having a seizure, but I was just trying to live up to FAA guidelines.

* I had a direct flight from Baltimore to Atlanta, which left at 6 a.m. Everyone on the flight was asleep for that hour and a half trip. That is, except for the three Japanese businessmen behind me, who talked loudly and profusely the entire trip about the plane or Toyota or how creepy it was that Izzie had sex with her dead husband's ghost and needs to just move on and see what's in front of her with Karev... or, uh, something.

* I took a tour of the CNN building. An anchorwoman said "Hi" to me as she passed by into the newsroom. I'm assuming she was an anchorwoman because her face was without a blemish, her hair didn't move, her make-up was impeccable and she was in great shape. Other than that, she was ugly.

* I didn't post yesterday, perhaps the first time I haven't posted on a Monday, and the first time I've gone three days without posting, since I started this thing. I'd apologize, but I was crazy tired and out of it. Really, the post would have been something like:
Hey everyone, Atlanta was great, I had so much fun and stayed up so late and am so tired and I'm having trouble forming syllables and my eyes are playing tricks on me and is that a kitten dressed as a pirate and i need sleepandholycrapwhattimeisitdidiforgettowearpants?
A few photos:

This mysterious woman was at the club when my group got there and was still dancing when we left at 2 a.m. She might be 6 foot tall. At first I thought she only liked chicks, as she was suggestively dancing with women and had a certain dominating persona, what with her Amazon woman limbs and bright red lipstick. But then that idea went out the door, because she grabbed me and started doing some kind of salsa/ballroom dance- to a Michael Jackson song. Since I didn't want to end up anyone's bitch, handcuffed to a bed with my wallet stolen and a sock in my mouth, I smiled politely and tried to back off. She then leaned over and asked me,
"Do you like bad girls?"

Yeah, seriously, she did. I said, "Yes?" (Exactly like that- as a question). She soon went on to another dude. (That's a photo of me at the end of the night. I was still shocked.)

The Varsity is supposedly an Atlanta tradition, a restaurant known for its old-fashioned hot dogs and hamburgers. Me, I'd rather go to the Max and watch Ed Alonzo** do magic tricks.

----------------------------------------
* I knew you'd look... While out on Saturday night with two new friends from San Antonio and Boston, we stopped at a trendy-looking bar. The trendy looking male bartender overheard us talking about crazy sexual experiences and offered to give us a free shot of Strega (highly recommended) if we told him a story. Then he offered his own: He took a female bartender to a club, they found a 42-year-old MILF, and she offered to take them back to her hotel room... Soon after he told us this tale, I realized that he likely was hoping to get the three of us in bed as well, as MILFs are a dime a dozen, but RILFs*** are a real notch on the belt.

** I remembered that actor's name without looking it up. Sadly.

*** Reporters I'd Like to ****

**** Have sex with.

To discuss a Weekend Update: Meet Me in St. Louis, Part 2

This is the second part of my Weekend Update... See part one for reference... This summarizes my weekend trip to St. Louis.

Proceed:

Things I Learned:
* The Gateway Arch was built in the 1960s, and is thought of as a symbol to show travelers they are midway to either coast. It also serves as the last remnant of the first McDonalds for giants.... It cost $13 million to build it, $13 million St. Louis officials might have otherwise used to, say, fight crime or feed all the homeless people. Fortunately, they chose a large, steel structure that serves a limited purpose.

* The capital of Missouri is... (you don't know, do you?)... Jefferson City. I had to ask, since N.J. reporter girl and I couldn't remember our high school geography class to save our lives... which is ironic, since we were attending seminars on how students are attending failing high schools... I'd also like to thank her for throwing me under the bus after I asked the park ranger, as if N.J. had any clue. Even Jefferson City doesn't know it's the capital...Here's a test. What are the capitals of New Hampshire, Montana and Pennsylvania?*

Things I observed:
* Hundreds of high school band geeks (I say this affectionately) pouring into my hotel lobby on the eve of their national band competition. I did not ask any of the high school girls if they had done anything illicit with their flutes.

* The cockpit of airplanes, despite all our advances in technology, still looks straight out of Apollo 13, which have me worried that we wouldn't have enough moon rocks to make our landing.

* I wish they allowed photos inside the pods that take you up the Arch... Instead, imagine stepping into an egg crammed with five seats, except the inside of the egg reminds you of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when that cowboy kid gets miniaturized. Then the egg climbs up the arch, swaying back and forth as all you can see outside the tiny window on the door is a shady, dark stairwell. It would make a great amusement park ride. I was mildly disappointed that they don't plummet you back once you reach the top... and that there were no Oompa Loompas.

And, finally, a montage of photos for Things I Saw:
* Walking through major airports is like walking through a uniform shop. People travel in the same, identifying clothes, mostly for safety- football teams, bands, businesses, groups of overtanned college girls wearing shorts with "Juicy" on the butt, and, as you see, nuns. Because even nuns can walk astray from their path.

* This is just a tiny portion of the crowd that came together outside of my hotel to hear Barack Obama speak. In all, there were a record-breaking 100,000 people who came for his rally, or about 99,980 more people than those who can name three characters still on "E.R."
All kinds of characters showed up for the rally, including, evidently, the Lord. I didn't know Jesus is a Democrat....
There He is! Except, well, Real Jesus wears sandals, not white boots, and His purpose is saving humanity, not campaigning for senators. But I'm splitting hairs.

Related note: That is not the Apostle Paul following Fake Jesus with a giant teddy bear. Just to clarify.
-------------------------
* Maple Syrup, buffalo and the Steelers. Also accepted: Concord, Helena, Harrisburg.

To discuss a Weekend Update: Meet Me In St. Louis, Part 1

Because of the length, depth and height of my weekend trip to St. Louis, I am going to bust this down to a two-parter, since your attention span is already weakening your ability to...*

The purpose of the trip: Go on a business trip to St. Louis, MO (which, contrary to the post office acronym, is not in Montana. It's Missouri. This is why I prefer AP style). I attended a weekend-long seminar for reporters on how to better cover high schools.

This covers things I heard/was given/almost missed. As with my new Weekend Update standards, this is mostly context free so as to increase false assumptions and perilous conclusions.
Proceed:

Things I heard:
* "God I hope they don't make me take my bra-wl off." - A heavy, older woman behind me at the security check in Baltimore/Washington airport. Now, they already go overboard with all the security- let's remember that 9/11 happened with boxcutters, not hidden bombs in my shoes- but I did have a small hope security would cavity search this lady so she could make a big scene about taking off her undergarments. I'm assuming her bra-wl (southern for bra) had an underwire in it, or, in her case, an undergirder beam.

* I sat beside the emergency exit door on my first trip, an experience my airliner did not want me to take lightly:
Stewardess: (Stern look) "Do you understand all the responsibilities of sitting in this row, and will you assist in the case of an emergency?"
Me: "Does anyone ever tell you no?"
Stewardess: "I don't let them."
Me: (fear of God instilled) "Um, I'm cool." (Although, if it comes down to us needing the emergency exit, we're screwed anyway. Same goes with those seat cushions-as-flotations devices. I'd like to see the crash landing on water that would necessitate their use.)

* I have no fear of flying- although I'm not a big fan of death- so getting on planes is no problem. I do get nervous, though, when I hear the B16 gate attendant announce the pilot would like us all to board quickly so he can get home in time for the game that night.

* On the way to the hotel: An oration on the best places to visit in St. Louis, given impromptu by the guy who drove the shuttle van. I felt like I was at a traveling Southern Baptist service, only he was preaching the commandments of jazz and barbecue. A few excerpts:
On a dance club: "I'm going to hurt you with a little bit of blues, kiss you with a little bit of salsa, smack you with a little bit of country and hit you with a little bit of rock and roll." (That might be classified as sexual assault, but boy does it sound appealing.)
On finishing a plate of the best barbecue in the country: "I don't know what condition you will be in, but it will be delicate." (And sticky)

* On Saturday night, after hours of seminars, most of us went out on the town. The conference organizers arranged for us to all go drinking, as reporters are best known for alcoholism, misquoting and a liberal bias. Eventually, I took to the streets with a group of four- myself and three female reporters from N.J., Mich. and La. (take that, postal service).
The following conversation took place in a time span of about 2 minutes:
Old dude: "Do you know where Blah Blah bar is?"
Me: "Yeah, actually, we just came from there, it's down the street."
Old dude: (To Mich. girl): "You have a nice smile." (pauses... stares awkwardly)
Mich. girl: "Uh...."
(Enter homeless dude)
HD: "Hey y'all... It's my birthday today."
Me: "Well, happy birthday"
(The three girls start walking slower behind HD and me, as they are more street savvy and also willing to sacrifice one for the benefit of the group. They'd never cut it in the military.)
HD: (Sings a random birthday song he apparently made up on the spot... and then): "Hey, you know this song? Ba beeda boo, eh da di, booo uhh ugh."
Me: "No idea, dude. Are you beat boxing?"
HD: "C'mon, you know this (continues beat boxing and scatting in a manner I might expect from the love child of Ella Fitzgerald and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, only if that child was also doing crystal meth)
NJ girl: (To me) "Hey, uh, you want to cross the street?"
And, scene.

* Barack Obama. It wasn't clear, and it wasn't technically in person, but I heard him. He was speaking across the street, under the St. Louis Arch, at a political rally attended by almost 100,000 people (see tomorrow's post). People at the seminar stayed at the hotel, but you could hear him over the loud speakers. I made sure to look out for terrorist activity-- you owe me, Palin.

Things I was given:
* A Gideons' Bible- they're orange now. Evidently, green bibles are soooo last season.

Things I almost missed:
* The last out of the American League Championship Series. On my flight home, we had access to XM satellite radio in our seats. I'm not a fan of the Red Sox or Rays, but I still love baseball. On the final out, as the Rays are either going to blow their 3-1 lead or win the pennant, the freaking stewardess interrupts the audio by giving us the final deboarding procedures. She just stopped early enough to catch the final call that the Rays one. And to think I almost missed it so that I could be reminded not to stand until the seat belt sign was turned off.

-------------------
* finish this sentence. See, that's one down.

Coming tomorrow- Things I saw- Expect photos, including one with nuns.