To discuss a Weekend Update: Reunions, baby making and effeminate drinking

I think I have officially made it as a blogger.

One of my friends, who I'll refer to as Teacher, said her goal this past weekend was to do something noteworthy that would make it into my blog.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's do a Cliffs Notes version of a Weekend Update, in which I drove across Pennsylvania for my annual get-together with some college friends (here's what happened last year).

• I almost hit a coyote on the turnpike on my way over. At first, I thought it was a dog. While slowing down, I thought it was a wolf, but the ACME rocket and lack of a brooding Robert Pattinson nearby gave it away. Fortunately, nobody hit it, and it scampered back into the woods.
• Unlike the past few years, when we either all stayed at a hotel or just made it a day trip, we stayed at someone's house this time. This was made possible because they own a house. Which leads me to the next point:
• Eight of us got together: Three married couples and then one girl (who I'll refer to as No. 1) and myself. No. 1 and I spent most of the weekend teasing the married couples about their "relationship stability" and their "plans for having babies at some point soon." Which leads me to the next point:
• Teacher (Hey, you did it!) pointed out there is a magazine made just for people trying to conceive: The Bump. Sample community forum post: "Is it OK to force myself upon my DH? ... +OPK this AM, -OPK this PM." I have no idea what that means, beyond possible husband rape
• While I wish all of my friends best of luck in their birth control-free lovemaking, an entire magazine dedicated to making babies blows my mind. Not because conceiving is easy- some of you have blogged about how very difficult it can be - but because I'd think it would just make all the women much more neurotic and stressed.
• I love the phrase "trying to get pregnant." It's like church people one day decided they wanted to pray for young married couples who wanted to start a family, but didn't want to actually say the word "sex" in church. I wonder if Mary's parents said "God and Mary are trying to get pregnant."
• We all played a fun, cynical game called "Engaged, Married, Divorced, Baby," where we tried to update on the gossip of former classmates. As I don't fit in one of those categories, I spent the game in purgatory.
• Since we didn't have to go anywhere Friday night, we sat around a campfire and drank Arbor Mist and margaritas and smoked Swisher Sweets. I think I won for the most consumed on all three counts. Unfortunately, I discovered later there was neither a competition or a ribbon for the winner. And that I evidently drink and smoke like an elderly gay man.
• No. 1 and I were asked to speak to journalism students about our careers in journalism. We advised them to get into P.R.
• I stabbed a hobo.
• Just making sure you're still reading. Anyway, the college's campus has been ridiculously updated, with a new fitness center, dorms, etc ... which is funny, because I keep getting letters in the mail asking for donations. I refuse to do so until I have enough money to get something named after me. Like a urinal. Or a snow cone machine.
• Staying up past midnight two nights in a row nearly killed us all.

P.S. The Daring Domesticate and her husband were our hosts for the weekend; check out her blog ... Also, a reminder: If you include your e-mail address when you make comments, I promise to personally respond.

To discuss a Weekend Update: I'm wearing my birthday suit

When people say "birthday suit," they probably don't mean "zipup coveralls for snow shoveling." But there I was Saturday, shoveling the two feet of snow Jesus cried* onto the Pennsylvania landscape on my birthday.

* Snow is made of Jesus' frozen tears. Rain is made of Jesus' warm tears. Sleet is made of Jesus' drool. That's why no one likes sleet.

I appreciate all the birthday wishes you all gave me throughout the three day guest post series, including Children of the 90s, Jenners and Anna Lefler. I understand if you read their posts and decided to leave me for their greener pastures. I won't hold it against you.

Let's recap my birthday weekend, for the remaining stragglers:

• Snow began falling Friday night at such a fast rate that we had to keep shoveling a patch of grass for our dogs to pee on. It's at this point in dog ownership that you realize you are essentially a catheter.
  
• By Saturday morning, there was two feet of snow on the ground and the entire county was in emergency status, meaning you weren't allowed to go anywhere. Fortunately, Capricorn and I had stocked up on bread, milk and birthday ice cream cake. I had cake for dessert at 12:05 a.m. Saturday morning, then for breakfast, then for dessert again. I now am eligible for the next season of the "Biggest Loser."
  
• Since Capricorn and I were trapped, we resorted to cannibalism spent the day watching movies. Quick reviews:

1. The Invention of Lying: Lots of funny stuff, and you'll like it if you like Ricky Gervais. And if you like to lie.
2. Whip It: Doesn't quite know what time period it wants to be in, and is a little too awkward in places. Plus, you spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out which of the team members are lesbians, and which are just tomboyish. But the film is very watchable, and you get to spend the movie thinking, "That burglar from Home Alone makes a good dad."
3. Inglorious Basterds: Had no idea what to expect, and Capricorn figured she wouldn't like it. We both ended up loving it. Capricorn gave it an A+, while I contemplated how long it would take a horny Jersey Shore cast member to nickname his penis the "Jew Hunter" next season in the Hamptons.
   

• I bought a new laptop, which should arrive today. My current laptop had a booting error again this week, and although I got it repaired, this is becoming like keeping your grandmother on life support. Sometimes, you have to know when to gracefully pull the plug, before it drags on. That is, unless the grandma in this analogy is at Seattle Grace on "Grey's Anatomy." And then you'd need every doctor in the hospital, and all the interns, to stop by to give an opinion in the midst of their sexual tension and underlying resentment, before they bust out in tears and/or on-call room sex, and then second-guess your decision making while hovering near the window that is conveniently located where everyone in the hospital hangs out. And then your grandma has sex with an intern. Who is bisexual. And has brain cancer.
  
• Oh, yeah, sorry, computers. That's where we were. I'm getting a 13.3-inch, ultraportable HP dm3, after I had completed extensive research and collected my tax refund. And for all of you who are about to say, "Why didn't you get a Macbook?!?! Apple is the best!??! Jesus was probably a Mac guy!!! Apple cures AIDS and leprosy!!!!", I'd respond that yes, Macs are great and easy to use -- and they also cost 3x as much. Mercedes are great, but I don't need to go in great debt for them when I can get most of the same performance out of a Honda. High-class escorts are great, but I don't buy them when I can get the same ... sparkling conversation out of a $5 hooker. That, and Apple spent months researching and testing its new wundermachine, only to call it an iPad. That makes me concerned. And menstrual.
  
• I actually had a backup of my laptop's data before the rebooting problem, so that was a relief (external hard drives are God's second chance. Not unlike Plan B or, in Sandra Bullock's case, the "Blind Side" to her "All About Steve") But I lost all my Firefox favorites, including the list of blogs I read regularly. Forgive my short absence from stopping by while I repopulate my list. Similarly, apologies to you, sluttyequestrians.com.* (* Not an actual porn site - I checked to make sure my joke didn't lead to a NSFW fiasco. On that note, don't go to whitehouse.com. I made that mistake in a college class.)
  
• Now that I'm 27, I'm looking for advice on anything I should know about this year in life. So, please fill me in on anything that happened to you that year, such as your wedding, a crazy party, Prohibition, whatever.
  

To discuss a Weekend Update: Open letter edition

Dear Food Network:
It is patently unfair for you, at 1 a.m., to play an episode of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives about the best places to get Southern barbecue, when you know I can't do anything at that late hour to make said barbecue appear before my very eyes. Next time, why don't you just dangle adoption papers in front of one of Sarah McLachlan's abused puppies?

Dear state liquor store owner:
If you're trying to drum up business, perhaps you shouldn't play the Christian praise and worship song, "I Can Only Imagine," on the overhead speakers whilst people try to decide how to get drunk. I know Jesus drank wine, but I doubt he drank rum.

Dear Chili's:
I would like to congratulate you on your honey chipotle chicken tenders. My titillated tongue had so many orgasms that my teeth asked if it was faking them.

Dear bloggers:
I had a hunch there were lots of you who had taken a blogging hiatus in 2009, which is why I set up my last post to help you get the word out about your return (it's been constantly updated with all of your news). I just didn't realize my hunch was so right on ... wow. Thanks for all the updates, and thanks to those bloggers (see, KAT?) who made it through all of 2009 with nary a break. You will be rewarded in heaven with 72 virgins or 72 virgin daiquiris, depending on your preference.

Dear Capricorn:
You successfully became the first person ever to get me to drink that much in one sitting. What's more, the neighbors likely enjoyed me trying to drunk walk the dogs. I consider it an all-around success. The only thing we failed at was making MTV "True Life" into a drinking game; "House Hunters" would have been much easier. "Jersey Shore" would have resulted in alcohol poisoning for all involved. P.S. Love you

Dear Kohl's:
I don't know how to say this. I've never done this before, and my confession will likely land me in the slammer. Here goes. *deep breath* For some reason, you had a perfectly fine $120 cashmere red sweater on sale for $17. I couldn't resist, and I bought it. I basically stole that sweater from you. Please don't hold it against me.

Dear Andrew from the "Real World: DC":
Stop trying to sleep with every female cast member. And tell Ashley that Mike is gay, so she should stop trying to be with him. She has the wrong parts. Unless she will reveal next episode she's transgendered, but c'mon, this is Real World, stuff like that nev ... Hmm ... On second thought, Andrew, hold on to that last request.

To discuss Feliz Navidad 2009: Hola, Santa!

I can hardly believe it's been a year since Capricorn and I first celebrated Feliz Navidad, our Christmas decorating/Mexican food fiesta.

Just like last year, we had our first snowfall of the year, coincidentally, on Feliz Navidad. I think that means God was in agreeance. Or that God was crying and it happened to be cold out. Either way.

There are several key ingredients to a good Feliz Navidad:

1) Christmas decorating
2) Mexican food
3) Holiday movies
4) Chihuahuas
5) Immigrants*

* Optional

Well, we all know I've got more chihuahuas around here than I know what to do with, so that's done. For Mexican food this time, we went with tacos. Whoever (Whomever? Ah, who ((whom?)) cares?) came up with the idea to wrap spicy beef in a corn flour shell is a genius.

On to the holiday movies. This is where it gets tricky. We watched Home Alone last year, so that was out, and let's not even talk about the sequels. We also recently watched The Santa Clause 2 (the first one is Capricorn's favorite Christmas movie).

So, based on what was available, we had some old classics, some new favorites, some awful Lifetime-y crap and some holiday movies that should have never been made. Example, according to the Comcast description:

"Santa's Slay": "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He's actually Satan's son, who lost a bet and has had to spend the last thousand years giving gifts and being nixw. But this Christmas, the thousand years is up. Starring WWE star Bill Goldberg."

We passed on this one, even though Amazon users gave it four out of five stars, just a half-star less than "It's a Wonderful Life."

We decided to go with The Family Stone, a vastly underrated Christmas movie. It does have Sarah Jessica Parker in it, but it also has Claire Danes, Rachel McAdams and Diane Keaton, so it's a wash.

As per Feliz Navidad tradition, I put the Spanish subtitles on, but foreign languages are annoying after a minute or two (let's just be honest). I switched it to the commentary with SJP and co-star Dermot Mulroney, who somehow gets leading man status in multiple films despite a first name that makes him sound like Kermit's closet boyfriend.

Now on to the decorating. As I tightly wound the last bit of a string of blue lights around the center of our fake tree, Capricorn asked if I had tested them out first. No, I responded, since they had worked for three years.

Ten minutes later, we were at Wal-mart, buying blue lights that actually worked.

I then had to unwrap and then rewrap the lights, as Capricorn baked Christmas tree sugar cookies. Have you ever thought about how silly it is we put lights on a giant indoor plant to celebrate the birth of Jesus (aside from the fact we decorate trees out of an old pagan tradition)? Wouldn't it make more sense for families to go out and buy a crib each year to decorate? Or breastfeed each oth ... I mean, yeah, Christmas tree decorating it is!

Oh, and just in case you remembered, I busted out my door decoration again this year. If you recall, my mom made this last year, and it won first prize for best holiday door decoration. Here's hoping for two years in a row. I'm like the Yankees of doors, except not as expensive or douchey.

Merry Feliz Navidad to you and your illegal immigrants.

To discuss a Weekend Update, Chicago style

I'm still recovering from an action-packed weekend trip to Chicago. I was attending a journalism conference, but, as I've written before, these weekends tend to be fairly eventful. Here, with photo evidence, is a Weekend Update.

Friday

• On the flight out, United reminded all passengers that in case of a water landing, the inflatable slides out the doors can be used as flotation devices. Because after your plane hits the water at 200 mph, you better find a flotation device and fast. You saw what happened to Jack after the Titanic sank. Rose let that bitch freeze in the water.
  
• United also had in-flight television, including a re-run of "Two and a Half Men," and a show about wildlife ... that included a guy with a rifle shooting deer. And they say the airline industry is out of touch with consumer needs.

• Trying to kill some time, I took a walk to the nearby beach (!?!?). People strolled by, dressed in winter coats, scarves and gloves. Except for the guy you'll notice to the top right of the couple. He was shirtless. In short shorts.
  
• After a few seminars at the hotel, the conference was moved to a nearby restaurant for cocktails and dinner, followed by a speech by an elderly college president. She took the opportunity to talk about the future of college education, reading from her lengthy article on the subject. I turned it into a wine drinking game. By the 18th page, she was brilliant. And sexy.
• I met up with my friend Steve Urkel and his friend, Eddie Winslow.* Steve and I have known each other our whole lives, although not at the point of conception (that I'm aware of). They took me on a little Chicago bar hopping tour.

* Both names changed to protect the innocent. And to get an awesome "Family Matters" reference in while talking about Chicago.
• We ended up taking a train packed full of slutty teens, 20-something alcoholics and 70-something creepers, to Wrigleyville, home of the Chicago Cubs' Wrigley Field, which has been home for disappointment for more than a century. Steve explained to me Chicagoans drink before games, during games and after games, thus making the losing tolerable. Even though it was November, people were drowning their sorrows all over the place. They are really dedicated fans!

• Random encounter of the night: One of the guys in the Sonic commercials (he's the guy on the left in the car). Random encounter on Sunday at O'Hare: I am sure I saw the UPS commercial guy who draws the eerily straight lines on the whiteboard.
• I saw more stretch limos in one night than I had seen in the past five years. And they were outside of dive bars. You stay classy, Chicago drunks.
  
• We got back around 2 a.m., riding on a train now chock full of regrets and Planned Parenthood customers. When I was about to part ways with Steve for the walk back to my hotel, he was kind enough to remind me Chicago is one of the tops in the country for murder. "If someone approaches you, shiv them," he advised. Unfortunately, I left my shiv in my room, along with my vampire stake and my crossbow.
  

Saturday

• There's something about being out of town that lets you get up early even after being up way past your bedtime. I need to trick my body into thinking my apartment is in Jamaica. On a side note, I need to trick my body into looking like Gerard Butler's in "300."
• After a full day of seminars (see, I did actually learn something ... for example, tuition is never going to stop rising and we're all screwed), it was time for another night on the town. This time, I took a cab with a bunch of reporters to Wicker Park, across town. We eventually found a trendy-looking Mexican restaurant, trendy because the word "Bell" wasn't in the name, and you couldn't order a personal pan pizza along with your taco.
• Half the group split off, and the hardcore people eventually went back to a bar that had a combination of waitresses struggling to make ends meet (otherwise, they would have been able to afford the rest of their shirts), Ultimate Fighting (Subtitled: Homoerotica for Dudes Who Experimented Once and Liked It A Little), and, by 11:30, karaoke.
• One of the reporters started off the night with "Slave 4 U." Another reporter and I busted out Spin Doctors' "Two Princes," in what critics called the finest song selection of a random 90s song at a Chicago karaoke bar this side of "Wonderwall."
• At one point, a very, very large man with a voice similar to what I imagine Snuffleupagus would sound like after an all-night bender in Mexico, asked my "Two Princes" partner and I to sing "I Want It That Way" with him. (Can't recall "I Want It That Way"? Try this.)
  
• Being that we didn't want to get eaten, we agreed. By the end of the song, two things were certain: 1) Once journalism fails me, I will go on to become a 90s-only karaoke DJ, and 2) Everybody is a closet boy band lover. That everybody included the DJ, who, at one point, sang a song of his own. That song was LFO "Summer Girls." I don't think he looked at the lyrics once.
  

Sunday

• The conference wrapped up by noon, so a group of us decided it would be smart to walk from the hotel to Millenium Park, a mere 4,536 mile 30-minute walk. It turned out to be well worth it. We got to see the shiny bean thing, which is basically one giant metallic funhouse mirror. Who knows how many countless marriage proposals, first dates and late-night cocaine binges have been done there?
  
• Next, some of us stopped at a giant indoor mall, where I found a man made of Legos. Is that a building block in his pocket or is he just happy to see me?
• Finally, I got the shuttle bus to O'Hare, and got on my flight home, losing an hour in the process due to Eastern Standard Time. That's exactly when you realize how ridiculously arbitrary time zones are. At exactly this moment, you are one hour further ahead in life, they say ... Well, readers, then I declare after reading this blog post, it's actually Christmas Day 2093. Merry Christmas. You're dead.
  

To discuss a Weekend Update: Civil War, Zombies and Homecoming

I would like to note I am writing this post while eating a Little Debbies snack cake. Long-time readers will appreciate that mention.

Anyway, here's a late Weekend Update, detailing a trip Capricorn and I took to Gettysburg and our other weekend activities.

The photo to the right was taken on top of Little Round Top. If you look close enough, you can see Rebel Flags being waved by Southerners hoping there's still a chance the Confederates can still make a big comeback and validate the flag on the back of their pick-up.* (* You looked, didn't you? Bet you're from the South.)
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• When the Union soldiers dug in on Cemetery Hill to fend off the Confederate advance, I wonder if they realized they were helping protect the land for future generations, so we could put a Shell gas station nearby.


• Capricorn, a South Carolina native, was more than slightly disappointed there weren't any major Confederate statues. I told her that's what happens when you lose. She did enjoy, however, discovering this random Native American statue amid all the Union soldier statues... Or, as she shouted out the window, "Injuns!"

• I never realized Colonel Sanders fought at Gettysburg. Luckily, this KFC has been erected to commemorate the now infamous Battle of Little Chicken Wing.

• What's the Over/under per year on drunk Gettysburg College students taking photos of a cannon in front of their crotch/having sex on the battlefield/reenacting battle scenes using Nerf guns? 25? 50? 1,000?
• It's a strange feeling to know you are standing on land that generations ago was the site of massive casualties and horror. The closest thing my generation can relate to is watching massive career casualties and horror on the Real World/Road Rules challenges.
  
• After our brief tour, we stopped at a TGIF for dinner. And by stopped, I mean "was told there was an hour-long wait so we went to Ruby Tuesday's." Is there a reason those types of restaurants aren't just made bigger, or is there a psychological advantage to make dozens of people sit outside listening to light rock for 45 minutes before they can eat? Does Michael McDonald help the steak taste better?
  
• It was high school homecoming time in Gettysburg, we think. Four out of five slightly slutty dresses indicated so. It made me wax nostalgic about my high school homecomings, all the nervousness about asking a girl to the dance, getting the corsage, stealing my dad's tie, pretending I had any clue how to dance. There's nothing like high school to make you feel like you will die alone.
• Next, it was on to the movies in a building that resembled a failed beach house. We saw "Zombieland." I highly recommend it, based on three things:

1. It nicely combined zombie gore with developing the human element to the story. I'm a zombie movie lover--"28 Days Later" and "Night of the Living Dead"-- so I know my zombies.
   
2. Woody Harrelson says funny things like "God bless rednecks."
3. They play a Ghostbusters clip.

• Capricorn told me to stop jumping at scary parts. So, evidently, out of the two of us, I'm the one who needs coddled and told everything is going to be OK.
  
• To accomplish this night out on the town, we had to drop off our chihuahuas at her parents' house. As her dad later put it, we basically dropped off the grandkids. This must be how it starts. I bet you Jon and Kate started with chihuahuas and then went on to children and then went on to... Capricorn, we can't drop off the chihuahuas anymore!
  
• On Sunday, her family and I went bowling. If you ever want to see a failing business model, check out a bowling center that hasn't been built and/or renovated recently. It'll remind you of the days of Trapper Keepers, Nancy Drew and slap bracelets. We all love those things, but not enough to use them anymore (Though I'd love to find a reason to use a Trapper Keeper). Same with older bowling centers-- the graphic for someone getting a strike shouldn't remind me of clip art from an Apple IIE. And the interface for the bowling scorecard shouldn't resemble the pixelated quality of Oregon Trail. If bowling centers were a cell phone, they'd be Zack Morris'. At least some new ones get it-- the one I usually use plays music videos on drop-down screens, so I can listen to Miley Cyrus and get out the ensuing anger out all at once.
  
• I wanted to write this post Sunday night at halftime of the football game, as the Pittsburgh Steelers were up 28-0 and cruising to victory. But they decided to start their now-regular second-half sucking, and like a train wreck or Heidi Montag, I couldn't look away. At least they won. It makes it easier to swallow the fact on the same day, the Pirates finished their season with 99 losses.
• Insert "easier to swallow" joke here, LBluca and Haute Pocket.
  

To discuss what's not funny, and what's funny

Most weekends, I give you an update on all the hilarious things that happened. But I spent the latter part of last week and Labor Day weekend* working on important relationship stuff with Capricorn.

There are a lot of things I'll joke about, but important relationship stuff is not one of them. Sure, I've made light of lots of topics of Wild ARS Chase, but I do have boundaries, most importantly my relationships to those I love.

And most people would agree there are other things off limits for blogging jokes:

• 9/11 victims
• Date rape
• Death of a loved one
• Cancer
• Eating disorders
• Animal/child abuse
• Holocaust
  

Fortunately, there's a whole slew of other topics we can all choose from when looking for humorous inspiration. Let's give thanks for the following things we can make fun of without remorse. Feel free to use any of these as a starting off point for the week:

• Anne Frank
• People with funny accents
• Third party candidates
• Paula Abdul
• Britney Spears
• Britney Spears' vagina
• Getting raped in jail
• Porn
• Getting raped in jail porn
• Southerners
• Northerners
• Immigrants, if you ignore the fact we're all immigrants
  
• Mariah Carey
• Certain Christian sects
• Dick Cheney
• Any disease you can get on the Oregon Trail
• Any STD
• Michael Jackson (it's been long enough)
• Meth heads
• Your mom
• People who shop at Wal-mart, even though you shop at Wal-mart
• People with more than five kids
• The Black Eyed Peas
  
• Anyone with a rebel flag
• World of Warcraft players
• Certain Germans
• The Portuguese, who really screwed the pooch on world domination when they had the chance
• Televangelists
• WWJD bracelets
• People who think Christmas is celebrated on the day Jesus was born
• Real World cast members
• Customers who order a Big Mac and a Diet Coke
• Camel toe
• Bring It On movies
  
• The Chicago Cubs and Detroit Lions
  
• Churches who were offended by The Da Vinci Code
• Middle school sex ed videos
• Exposed thongs
• People who add exhaust systems to make their Honda sound louder
• Nickelback
• Testicles, in general

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* For you Canadians/Australians/Europeans, Labor Day is a day for Americans to take the day off from work so we can pat ourselves on the back for being between 45-55 percent efficient at our job when we're not using Facebook.

To discuss a Weekend Update: Visually speaking, it's the king

Do you remember all that social media training I had last week? It's time to show off what I learned.

Here, in a new format (special for this week), is the Weekend Update, highlighting the trip I took with Capricorn to King of Prussia, Pa., site of the largest mall in the country.
Let me know if you like the format (it takes a second to adjust to it), which is from Vuvox. If you hate it, I'll make sure someone is fired on my production staff.
Use your cursor to adjust the speed, and click on all the glowing thingies. They're magical, and contain all the witty banter.



Here's the link to the collage if you have problems viewing it.

To discuss a Weekend Update Part II: Weddings, Traffic and Bye Bye Bye

This is part II of my Weekend Update. To read about my exploits while touring Mt. Vernon, go here. To have Joe investigate the mysterious noise in the cave, turn to page 37. To read about my time at my friend Steve's wedding, continue here.

Backstory: All my friends are now married or getting married.*

Another one, Steve, took the wedding plunge last Saturday in Richmond. I met Steve when we both lived in Connecticut-- we did a few shows together, and I sang with him at his church. I've since moved to Pennsylvania, and he's since moved to Virginia. His wedding would be the first time I've seen him since we moved away. Capricorn couldn't make the trip because of work, so I was flying this one solo (she told me to stay away from bridesmaids).
Steve and his bride met through church choir. He proposed at a choir practice by singing an original song with the choir as back-up. Romantic stuff.

And now, a recap of the weekend:

• The church is about 3 hours, 45 minutes from where I live; Google said it might take an extra hour in the inevitable D.C.-area traffic. I left at 11:15 to get there by 4 p.m. I got stuck in traffic for an hour, but only needed to go 6 miles in about 35 minutes. Wouldn't you know it, there was an accident. Now down to 4 miles in 15 minutes. Wouldn't you know it, there was another accident.
• I pulled into the church with an urge to pee not unlike a horse with an overactive bladder listening to a running faucet. But more urgently, it was 4:02. I walked inside the lobby, and saw the bridal party about to enter the sanctuary. The first time I had ever seen Steve's bride was while I was scooting past her. I snuck in a side door to the sanctuary.
• Quick flashback: While getting ready, I decided to wear a dress shirt, khakis and tie, as this is a summer wedding in Virginia for a young couple. Back to present: I surveyed the sanctuary. Every. single. guy. was wearing a jacket. The only guy not wearing one happened to be five-years-old and had a juice box. Sweet.
• Because I was running behind, I didn't have a program. That became an issue when we were all asked to sing a hymn using lyrics printed in the program. No worries-- this is at a Presbyterian church, and I grew up Presbyterian. All you need to do is repeat words and phrases like "God Almighty," "meadows and the hills," "blessed Jesus," and "casseroles available in the vestibule."
• Beautiful, traditional wedding. Steve's grinning like an idiot-- we should all be so lucky.
• Now it's time for the Lord's Prayer. This is always an interesting time when you're with a random group of people at an unfamiliar church, no matter the denomination. It's a guessing game, and the hesitation is palpable: "Geez, do we say trespasses? Or are these debts and debtors kind of people?" I usually do a nice amalgamation: "despasses" and "trebts." God knows what's what.
• Reception time: Did I mention the only people I know are all in the wedding party? Fortunately, seating arrangements had groomsmen and bridesmaid sitting amongst everyone else, so I had the three people I knew with me. Good thing too, as you can only get by for so long on, "So, how do you know the bride and groom?"
  
• If it wasn't clear yet that Steve and his bride met at church, maybe this is a hint: The DJ (DJ is used loosely these days. They use their iTunes playlists) announced he would be taking requests... as long as those requests are "super clean secular music or Christian music." There goes my request for Kelis' "Milkshake" and Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me."
• I'm afraid that if I get married and don't have the YMCA and Cha Cha Slide played, there will be anarchy.
• Steve busted out a new version of his proposal song, this time using lyrics about how happy he is to be married, and using groomsmen as a cappela back-up. Legendary.
• And then, dear friends, there was this epic moment. Continuing on the music theme, the groomsmen and I convinced Steve to break out his old *NSYNC "Bye Bye Bye" routine. That's right-- all of us had an impromptu boy band concert for the crowd, hand gestures and all. Admit it. You are jealous.
• Congratulations to the bride and groom... I hope you have a great life together.
  

* Give or take a few. But it seems to be a good estimate.
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Check out the new poll on weddings, in the right sidebar.

To discuss a Weekend Update Pt 1.: Virginia is for newlyweds and revolution

If I tried to fit this Weekend Update all into one post, the gods surely would punish me for clogging up your Internet browser. And then God would punish me for worshiping more than one god.

So I'm doing a two-parter, in reverse order. This one's all photos, recapping Sunday's adventure in Mt. Vernon (site of George Washington's home) with my college friends Jon and Ann. Saturday was spent driving to Richmond, Va., to attend the wedding of a former theater/choir friend, and that'll be it's own update, coming soon. UPDATE: Here it is.

For now, enjoy, and take in the history of George Washington at his Washingtonianist, as we take a tour of his lavish estate. (click to enlarge)










Back story on above photo: While I and other tourists took photos of Washington's tomb, an overzealous park worker came over to stop us while she fixed something. What did she have to do? She had to unlock the iron gate and then attach the velvet rope across the threshold of the tomb. Yes, just in case the chain link divider and the two sets of iron bar doors didn't give you the hint you weren't supposed to go inside, now there's a velvet rope attached. All the tomb needs is a bouncer.




There was a line to get into George's home (we didn't go in) longer than the one to mourn at Michael Jackson's funeral. People must have thought there was a ride inside or something, like an interactive adventure where you chop down a cherry tree.





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If you do go to Mt. Vernon, I recommend the 3D, multimedia movie about Washington and the Revolutionary War- snow comes down from the ceiling while you watch him battle the British. Very entertaining. I hope one day they make a similar movie about Britney Spears, and everyone in the audience gets a baby doll they can hold in their laps while you watch footage of Britney driving. Fingers crossed, y'all.

Come back soon for Weekend Update part II: The Wedding.

To discuss a Weekend Update: Goodwill is a modern bucco's booty

Today's my first day back at work after a week off. So, technically, my weekend update should be covering nine days.
Let me quickly recap the first eight days:
Sleep in. Work on blog stuff. Eat. Watch a re-run of (fill in an HGTV/TLC home improvement show). Eat. Walk the dogs. Eat. Work on blog stuff. Assassinate world leaders. Work out with Capricorn. The uze.

Yesterday, to cap off the vacation I went to Capricorn's parent's house for dinner, as we do most Sundays. Before the meal, Capricorn, Caprimom and I went to Goodwill in search of an ottoman, clothes and Long John Silver's buried treasure. Since Goodwill is neither underwater or a pirate ship, we relented and settled for the first two.

While I discovered two ties (for just $4-- take that, Express Men), I also found a treasure no pirate could claim: Goodwill's assortment of WTH? donated items. And so, here's a visual Weekend Update, Goodwill edition. Click on images to enlarge.

In retrospect, this book is to poor example of literature what the song "Crazy" was to ironic portent of things to come for Britney.

"I'm Titanic. Oooooh, I won 11 Oscars. I'm all dramatic and three hours long and always on TNT and have Kate Winslet's now well-exposed boobs and Leo DiCaprios' boyish charm"....Well, Titanic, looks like your VHS collector's sets aren't a hot item at Goodwill. So suck it. P.S. I'm totally watching you next time you're on cable.

Creepy.

Creepier.

Creepiest. I see murder in those eyes. And vengeance. Yours for $2.85!

Two things. One, someone felt the need to make a shirt about all the great things about cats. Two, you just clicked on the image, because just had to know all the things in life this person learned from their cat. I ask you, who is worse off?

Rejected subtitle:
Model Railroading: We both know the only thing getting laid around here are tracks.

Twenty bucks says '80s singer Melba Moore regrets this rainbow craptastic album cover till the day she dies. You'd never guess what she looks like now.

This is supposed to be a 100 piece puzzle. Something tells me if they made an updated Olsen twin puzzle, they'd only need about 65 pieces- 60 for the now wafe-like bodies and 5 pieces for a caption that reads: "For just 10 cents a day, you can help support an Olsen.'

Confession time... I used to own a copy of this CD. And kinda loved it. They also had copies of Backstreet Boys' "Millenium" and *NSYNC's debut album. Show Me the Meaning of being sold for 99 cents!

To discuss a two-week Weekend Update, Part One

The past two weeks have flown by... in that time, we've crowned a Top Model and an American Idol, my computer died, I was told to grow a mustache and I visited one of America's finest imported retailers.
To catch up on lost blogging (see: died, computer), here's a two-part Weekend Update, starting off with my trip to a nearby amusement park, Hershey Park, that, coincidentally, is not too far from where Jon and Kate Plus 8 Plus 1 Mistress live. I did not see them, although at least if they do visit, they have an even number of kids for the rides. I think it would have been acceptable, if they instead had quintuplets, to go for one more baby to even that out. Or to "forget" one near a hospital entrance. Whatever is easiest.
Weekend Number 1:

• My last visit to Hershey Park about 13 years ago. I have since have become an old man. At least, that's what I infer from the age bracket most of the tweenage park visitors seemed to belong to, a bracket full of "Oh my God you guys!" "He, like, likes me, but I, like, like his friend or whatever" and "I'm not fully aware yet that it's inappropriate for me to show cleavage like this in public, since I only developed cleavage three weeks ago and now I'm jail bait's jail bait."

• Some men determine their manhood through such trials as football, ultimate fighting or wearing loin cloths. I believe I determined mine on the first roller coaster, Fahrenheit, which immediately takes you straight up into the sky. Straight Up.* At one point, I saw Jesus, then determined it couldn't have been Jesus because Jesus, historically speaking, would not have been tall enough to be on the ride... I think I retained my man card on the coaster, as I didn't cry or scream.***
• Capricorn and I rode four roller coasters... but she didn't get scared until she noticed an approaching thunderstorm and was convinced a bolt of lightning amidst the towering steel would strike us all dead. Although that theory only works if you are Wile E. Coyote, we ran for shelter nonetheless as the storm poured on. Next time, I'll skip the admission tickets and just rent "Twister" to give Capricorn the same level of excitement and fear, plus a pre-famous Philip Seymour Hoffman, a pre-Big Love Bill Paxton and a Mad-About-You Helen Hunt. Now that, friends, is the perfect storm.
• Capricorn informed me I'm not allowed to become a carny.
• Why can't public transportation replicate the thrill of a roller coaster? We'd solve this energy crisis and increase light rail use if we could make the rides include loops, powered launches and steep drops.****
• Speaking of which, the visit inspired me to play a computer game for the first time since my Oregon Trail days. And, if you read the ensuing post, you know what happened next with Roller Coaster Tycoon. Epic Computer Fail. Epic Virus Win. At that moment, I hated all roller coasters not named Ben.
• Not an Epic Fail: This photo of Capricorn and I on a wooden roller coaster. Fortunately, I was wearing my adult diaper.

* Now tell me, are you gonna love me forever?**
** Oh Oh Oh.
*** Just kidding. I haven't had a man card since I first walked into Express Men.
**** Also, if there were fewer creepy people who twitch and grin at you with four teeth.

Come back for part II midday...

To discuss the farmer in the blog and the Capricorn on the tractor

Hump day, schlump day. Let's get in weekend mode with a late-but-fun Weekend Update...

Did you know you can have good clean fun with just $5 to your name? It's true. First, you barter with the hooker to...

Oh, "good clean fun." Gotcha.

I spent the weekend with Capricorn*, as always. And, as always, we found a new way to enjoy our time together without spending a lot... here are the highlights, including a rare video appearance by Ms. Capricorn herself.

What I heard:

• Capricorn's dad, to me, in a serious tone: "Andy, there's something I need to ask you about." Me: (Ghost white face, remembering alibis and exits) Capricorn's dad: (Pause) Me: (Sweet Satan's groin, is it hot in here?) Capridad: "... do you know anything about pouring concrete? I've got a project." Me: "Uhhh.... no?" Capridad, to Capricorn: "Did you see the look on his face?"
• Yes, I sent my mother a card for Mother's Day, as well as some photos. One of them was a snapshot taken from this video. I also gave her a call. As an adult, I've learned Mother's Day consists of your mother telling you about which child has called so far and what those children are up to right now. And what the neighbors are doing in their backyards. And what they are eating for dinner. Without you there.
  
• "The Sound of Music" was on TV on Sunday night, so, considering I'm in the show this summer, I watched it. It was midway through when I told Capricorn that if I ever have precocious kids like those von Trapps, I want her to shoot me.

What I saw:

• My brother moved this past weekend across town. In my family, at least one of us, including my brother and sister, move every six months. We are to moving what the von Trapps are to singing, except when I move, I don't want to have Capricorn shoot me.
• While cleaning my brother's old place, I recommended he set his toilet on fire. It was the fastest, most effective cleaning solution. It also may very well be the elimination of the swine flu source.
  
• Next we went to my brother's new place. He's doing a nice job renovating the house, but has yet to do anything with the root cellar beneath the front porch. That's fine, as the carpeted walls and musty smell will make it a prime place to gut his dates while singing creepy children's songs. Or at least I assume that's the room's purpose.
• My brother is in the agricultural sales business, and now lives beside his tractor dealership. They own a golf cart, which my brother used to make dumpster runs across the parking lot. Capricorn had never driven a golf cart before. Given the opportunity, she could barely contain herself. Then, upon tapping the gas pedal, she immediately declared the golf cart was destined to roll over and kill everyone and their first born. Soon, though, she became the Ricky Bobby of golf cart driving. I was so proud.
  
• My brother, sensing Capricorn's zealous ambition at driving new things, offered Capricorn the chance to drive a late-model tractor. You'll notice the experience resembles a dad teaching his daughter how to ride a bicycle with training wheels. You haven't ever really loved a woman** until you've seen her drive a tractor. So, yes, Capricorn, I think your tractor is sexy, even if I know next to nothing about them (compared to my brother. He's available, ladies!)

Here's the crude, video evidence....

Do you have any tractor-riding experiences to share?
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* Some of you were under the impression Capricorn already moved in... no, that hasn't happened yet, just part of the upcoming plan. (Capricorn, for newcomers, is my girlfriend. Read about our first date here.)
** Don't listen to Bryan Adams. You don't need to see your unborn children in their eyes to really love a woman. I don't fall in love over an eye fetus.
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In case you missed it, I had a guest post over at Jenners' site yesterday (Thanks, Jenners; your loyal readers helped get me over the 100 Google followers mark. I will dance in celebration. By myself.) And, if you haven't yet, vote in the social media poll...

To discuss a Weekend Update: The Hills Are Alive, Kate Winslet's Still Naked, and Big Poppa

Sorry I've been MIA since the Snuggie post. Actually, nix that. If I was MIA, I'd be singing "Swagga Like Us" on the Grammy stage, waiting for my water to break on Lil Wayne.
I was at a two-day reporters conference on Thursday and Friday, then decided to enjoy the first days of nice weather we've had in Pennsylvania this spring. (MILF, usually on the last Friday of the month, will be this Friday instead.)
Here's the Weekend Update:

• You know you're in a downward spiraling industry when one reporter announces she's attending the conference because the original person was laid off the day before, and the first speaker, a veteran editor, accepted a buy-out in the winter. Other than that, newspapers are alive and well!
• I watched the Making the Band Season Finale on Thursday night. Drama! You may have noticed I didn't do any TV Play by Plays on the Danity Kane/Day 25/Donnie "Not Quite Justin Timberlake" Klang show this season. That's because Diddy broke up Danity Kane, and I was holding a grudge like a 12-year-old girl. Well, in the season finale, Danity Kane reunites-- minus Andrea, who Diddy fired the episode before. If there's a bigger trainwreck than Aubrey, I'd like you to show me. Aubrey, who is the Yoko of Danity Kane, announced she is getting her own reality show, following her failure travails on Broadway. You know, because nothing makes more sense than to leave a multi-platinum, uber-successful, MTV-backed group for the popularity of Playboy and a stint on the Great White Way.
• Wow, I get way too upset about Making the Band.
• Whatever happened to O-Town?
• Capricorn and I spent Friday night at a church 20-somethings Game Night. We played a game called "The Game of Things." Example: "Things You Wear to Bed." I might write down, "t-shirt," "boxers" or "love cuffs." Then you go around the room, guessing who said what. I was terrible at the game, as I went for jokes rather than winning. Sample answer: "What's with the guy who got the "heart" power on Captain Planet," in response to "Things you'd complain about in hell."
• Saturday: Capricorn and I had Date Night. Sure, we've been dating for seven months now, but sometimes you need to set an actual day where you purposefully do something planned and romantic. Taking her out for McNuggets doesn't count.* So I cooked dinner (fajitas), we went out for dessert, and came back and watched "The Reader." Capricorn had been dying to see this Kate Winslet movie for months. It's excellent-- tell your boyfriends that Kate is crazy nude in the movie. Then they will be sucked in before they realize it's actually about love and stuff.
• Sunday: You need know nothing more about Capricorn than this: We watched The Reader Saturday, and then she was all about my selection for Sunday: "Notorious," a biopic of the life and tragedy of Notorious B.I.G. No-no-no-Notorious! Coincidentally, there's a lot of nudity in this movie too, but it's mostly hos going down on Big Poppa, who evidently was the cock of the walk. It's a good movie, if, like me, you love old-school hip-hop (eh, Joshlos?) and get somewhat aroused at hearing classics like "Mo Money, Mo Problems" or "Juicy." If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go watch "The Reader" or something.
  
• According to the movie, which Puffy/P Diddy/Diddy/Sean John produced, Puffy used to be a street-savvy gangsta. Now, he says things like "Bitchassness" and gets in arguments with members of boy band Day 26. What would Biggie say about all this, Diddy?
  
• I start practice next week for "The Sound of Music." I got the part of Max, so I'll have two songs, lots of stage time and I'll be the comic relief. I'll keep you updated on how things go. I wonder if the director would be open to changing the script so that Max ends up having a secret affair with Maria and fathers her bastard child. Just a thought.
  

* Unless it's a 10-piece. Those are expensive.

To discuss a Weekend Update: Movies, Easter and I'm not a creepy, I swear

I hope you had a candy, bunny and Jesus-filled weekend. I ate enough chocolate to push Hershey's through the recession. Here's the Weekend Update:

• On Friday, I had a Bro's Night. I haven't had a bro's night in quite some time, mostly because I rarely have male friends. But, with my actual bro and two other bros with me, we saw "Fast & Furious" on Good Friday night. A review will come soon, but let me say a few things: In our mid-20s, we were some of the oldest people in the theater... My brother thought he saw some cute girls, then we realize they were about 15...
  
• Afterward, we were all pumped up to do something manly, like cut down a tree, repair a dishwasher or take advantage of a vulnerable girl. We lucked out, because a girl in the parking lot was in distress and needed manly help. Her car battery died, so we jumped her... car. In the meantime, one of the guys and I thought we heard another pair of underage girls say they needed jumper cables, so we walked across the parking lot to possibly help them. Except, it looked really creepy and stalkerish as we strolled over in the dark, and when we asked if they needed help, we got the evil eye and I think one of them silently dialed 911. It's really hard to be a Good Samaritan to underage girls these days, even with good intentions on Good Friday.
• Now that I'm in my new apartment, I'm doing everything I can to keep it clean, as I spent part of Saturday on upkeep. But have you ever thought about how silly and fruitless the pursuit of cleanliness is? You clean all the time so that things don't get dirty, but they get dirty anyway, so you have to clean. God may have created the universe, but He skipped the logical step of making dirt disappear magically. That is, until Billy Mays discovered Kaboom! (I need to stop thinking about infomercials.)
  
• Do people dress up anymore for Easter Sunday? I've always liked to dress to the nines on Easter. But this year, I noticed many people looked like they were hoping to go grocery shopping, change their motor oil or sleep around after church. This is for Jesus, people. He didn't look like a slouch in the Last Supper, did He?
• Not so Jesus-like: Churches that have light shows, PowerPoint and elaborate music performances to talk about Jesus' resurrection. I think we might be missing the message if we are throwing John 3:16 up using a $20,000 projector.
• When I was a kid, my brother, sister and I would have an Easter egg hunt in our living room, with plastic shells full of change or, in some instances, a buck or two. We did this through our high school years, to the point that we'd throw each other around. But we don't do this anymore, and that's sad. 'Cause I could really use a buck or two.
• I spent the weekend at Capricorn's family's house. On Saturday night, I flipped intermittently between watching "Independence Day" and "The Sound of Music."** Julie Andrews loses some of her charm when you spend commercial breaks watching Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith attack aliens. But I couldn't miss the opportunity to watch Vivica A. Fox's career crumble before my eyes.
  

* Just kidding. She wouldn't be vulnerable.
** I might be auditioning for a local production of "The Sound of Music," so there's a reason.
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Coming up: A review of "Fast & Furious" and a Snuggie review....

On a serious note, one of Capricorn's family dogs is very sick and, unless God performs an Easter miracle, will likely not make it much longer. So, in honor of DooganDugan(I've been told he uses a 'u' and not the 'oo'), here's a photo of him I took last month...
Update: Dugan has now passed on to that big dog park in the sky. He was 12 years-old. I spent many a Saturday with ol' Duges curled up at my feet, and Bailey on my side, as we watched For the Love of Ray J re-runs. R.I.P.