To discuss Chicago, Chicago

By Friday morning, I will be in a city known for wind, historic losing, Oprah and a musical starring Catherine Zeta Jones' legs.

That's right, it's Chicago.

It's the third time I'll be attending an expenses-paid reporters' conference (who knows why they keep accepting me).

The last time, I went to the A-T-L, but was unable to track down Kim, NeNe or Ludacris. I did, however, have this happen to me:

"Since I didn't want to end up anyone's bitch, handcuffed to a bed with my wallet stolen and a sock in my mouth, I smiled politely and tried to back off. She then leaned over and asked me,
'Do you like bad girls?'"

That trip was also right after the first time Capricorn and I told each other "I love you." We have since told each other that about 10,000 times, and have managed to never say "P.S. I Love You" Hilary Swank style because that would be obnoxious and annoying.

For the first conference, I went to St. Louis, and happened to stay at a hotel across the street from a rally for then-presidential hopeful Barack Obama. I also got to go up in the St. Louis Arch, which I imagine is more or less a claustrophobic's worst nightmare. And how could I forget this random encounter on the street:

Old dude: "Do you know where Blah Blah bar is?"
Me: "Yeah, actually, we just came from there, it's down the street."
Old dude: (To Michigan girl): "You have a nice smile." (pauses... stares awkwardly)
Mich. girl: "Uh...."
(Enter homeless dude)
HD: "Hey y'all... It's my birthday today."
Me: "Well, happy birthday"

Who knows what will happen this time. Any guesses? Knife fight? Chess match with a Chicago Cub? Oprah decides not to leave Chicago just because of my presence?

To discuss a Month in Review: Mr. October

If anything, each passing month seems to be more interesting than the last, which I take to be a good thing. It's been three months since I started this blog. In the past month, I've reached my 100 post mark, been to the top of the Gateway Arch in St. Louis, and paid people to make me feel nauseated. I even debuted a video, with another on the way.
On to the good stuff:

• Favorite movie: "Home Alone" Technically, I did not see this movie in October, but Capricorn (the girlfriend) bought it and we intend to watch it soon. There are so many things to like about this movie: The soundtrack, the pranks, Macaulay Culkin before he got full of himself in "Home Alone 2," lax airport security before 9/11, pumping someone's guts full of lead...Runner-up: "No Country for Old Men."(I haven't actually watched it, but I have the Blockbuster by Mail package on top of my DVD player, so I feel I've viewed its awesomeness by osmosis.)
  
• Least favorite movie: "Quarantine." Duh. I do expect anyone who has since seen this movie to leave a comment with their thoughts. I appreciate all of you who listened to my words of warning. Runner-up: Some random movie on AMC made in the 1970s about a haunted painting.
  
• Favorite song: "Use Somebody" Kings of Leon. This band has quickly become one of my favorite bands of late. I put this song on Capricorn's mix CD, in part because I thought "Sex on Fire" might be a bit too strong of a message. Runner up: "Always Where I Need to Be," The Kooks.
  
• Least favorite song: "Miss Independent" Ne-yo. Did nobody let him know that Kelly Clarkson already dibbed this?...Runner-up "T-Shirt," Shontelle (Did nobody let her know that Jessica Simpson already dibbed this?).
  
• Favorite album: "Amnesiac" Radiohead. But Andy, hasn't this album been out for almost a decade? Why, yes, Voice in My Head, it has, but this is my post so deal with it... This was the album that got me hooked on Radiohead, which makes no sense because it's one of their least popular and well-known albums. When people think of Radiohead, they think of "Creep" from Pablo Honey, or "Karma Police" from OK Computer. A song from Amnesiac is like the redheaded stepchild that's awkward and misunderstood, but you realize has a lot of potential- Tampanga on early episodes of "Boy Meets World," if you will... I could listen to "I Might Be Wrong" or "Dollars & Cents" a thousand times, even though Thom Yorke's pronunciation skills are somewhere between Eliza Doolittle with a mouth full of marbles and Stephen Hawking. You know an album is weird when your girlfriend wakes up in the middle of a song and asks why people are banging broomsticks. Runner-up: "Causing a Catastrophe-Live," Flickerstick. (No least favorite album... but feel free to suggest one).
  
• Best TV Show: "Raising the Bar" This TNT show isn't the best TV show I watched, technically. But I can't stop watching it, in part because there are Saved by the Bell connections, in part because one of the attorneys, Bobbi, needs to be the mother of my child based on her predilection to being hot all the time, and in part because it's the first legal show I've seen that focuses on the public defender's office. Runner up: "30 Rock" and "America's Next Top Model."
  
• Worst TV show: NFL broadcasts. I love watching football, but I can't stand the announcers and the pre-game guys. They always have to say "National Football League" instead of using the acronym; they can't just say "field," it's the "football field"; and they have trouble forming sentences that aren't directly based off of what the previous guy said. If they were talking about the election, it'd go like this: First dude: "When you're talking about winning the election to become president of the United States of America, you need to make sure you're driving home the votes in the final hours with the citizens of the United States of America." Second dude: "You're absolutely right. Being the president of the United States of America is all about dedication, and no one shows dedication with Americans more than someone who is running for the presidency in the United States of America."
  
• Best moment: Fall Fest 2008 and my trip to St. Louis.
  
• Worst moment: It was a good month, I have to say. But I do wish that I wasn't so quickly forgotten at my alma mater.
  
• Best decision: Applying to go to the St. Louis seminar for reporters, which reminded me of why I like my career.
  
• Worst decision: Starting the Jaguars' Fred Taylor over the Panthers' DeAngelo Williams last week in my fantasy football game, as Taylor laid an egg and Williams scored a bunch of points. It cost me a victory- my first one this season. If you are a girl and could care less about those two guys, continue reading and pretend this paragraph never happened. If you are a dude or a girl who likes sports and is awesome, feel my pain.
• Favorite Blog Entry by Me: I had two fun co-blogs in October, one with Miss Tiff and one with Amy XXOO. Runner up: To Discuss Making Capricon Uber-legal to Date.
  
• Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: Sam I Am had one of the funniest posts I've read in a long time, recalling jr. high school life in abridged form. A sample: "Bell: Gym class...football!...Me: I'll be center *slam* (smashes into one girl) *boom* (knocks another one over) *whap (Bulldozers another)...Random girl: two people cover Sam...Me to teammate: We're undefeated."... Runner-up: "Scary Experience" by Sheila (it'll freak you out) and "Not For the Weak Stomachs in the Audience" by Muffy Willowbrook (hysterical and off-putting).
  
  Quick blog thought: If you regularly read this blog and you noticed that I've never checked your blog out, please let me know. I do try to visit everyone who visits me, in particular those who leave a comment. If you don't say anything, I'll assume you're just an Internet stalker, which is fine with me. If you've never left a comment on here before, now's a great time to start. It'll be therapeutic. You can even make fun of me, like we're back in middle school and I'm noticeably scrawnier with an affinity for pop rock like Duncan Sheik.

To discuss a Weekend Update: Meet Me in St. Louis, Part 2

This is the second part of my Weekend Update... See part one for reference... This summarizes my weekend trip to St. Louis.

Proceed:

Things I Learned:
* The Gateway Arch was built in the 1960s, and is thought of as a symbol to show travelers they are midway to either coast. It also serves as the last remnant of the first McDonalds for giants.... It cost $13 million to build it, $13 million St. Louis officials might have otherwise used to, say, fight crime or feed all the homeless people. Fortunately, they chose a large, steel structure that serves a limited purpose.

* The capital of Missouri is... (you don't know, do you?)... Jefferson City. I had to ask, since N.J. reporter girl and I couldn't remember our high school geography class to save our lives... which is ironic, since we were attending seminars on how students are attending failing high schools... I'd also like to thank her for throwing me under the bus after I asked the park ranger, as if N.J. had any clue. Even Jefferson City doesn't know it's the capital...Here's a test. What are the capitals of New Hampshire, Montana and Pennsylvania?*

Things I observed:
* Hundreds of high school band geeks (I say this affectionately) pouring into my hotel lobby on the eve of their national band competition. I did not ask any of the high school girls if they had done anything illicit with their flutes.

* The cockpit of airplanes, despite all our advances in technology, still looks straight out of Apollo 13, which have me worried that we wouldn't have enough moon rocks to make our landing.

* I wish they allowed photos inside the pods that take you up the Arch... Instead, imagine stepping into an egg crammed with five seats, except the inside of the egg reminds you of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when that cowboy kid gets miniaturized. Then the egg climbs up the arch, swaying back and forth as all you can see outside the tiny window on the door is a shady, dark stairwell. It would make a great amusement park ride. I was mildly disappointed that they don't plummet you back once you reach the top... and that there were no Oompa Loompas.

And, finally, a montage of photos for Things I Saw:
* Walking through major airports is like walking through a uniform shop. People travel in the same, identifying clothes, mostly for safety- football teams, bands, businesses, groups of overtanned college girls wearing shorts with "Juicy" on the butt, and, as you see, nuns. Because even nuns can walk astray from their path.

* This is just a tiny portion of the crowd that came together outside of my hotel to hear Barack Obama speak. In all, there were a record-breaking 100,000 people who came for his rally, or about 99,980 more people than those who can name three characters still on "E.R."
All kinds of characters showed up for the rally, including, evidently, the Lord. I didn't know Jesus is a Democrat....
There He is! Except, well, Real Jesus wears sandals, not white boots, and His purpose is saving humanity, not campaigning for senators. But I'm splitting hairs.

Related note: That is not the Apostle Paul following Fake Jesus with a giant teddy bear. Just to clarify.
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* Maple Syrup, buffalo and the Steelers. Also accepted: Concord, Helena, Harrisburg.

To discuss a Weekend Update: Meet Me In St. Louis, Part 1

Because of the length, depth and height of my weekend trip to St. Louis, I am going to bust this down to a two-parter, since your attention span is already weakening your ability to...*

The purpose of the trip: Go on a business trip to St. Louis, MO (which, contrary to the post office acronym, is not in Montana. It's Missouri. This is why I prefer AP style). I attended a weekend-long seminar for reporters on how to better cover high schools.

This covers things I heard/was given/almost missed. As with my new Weekend Update standards, this is mostly context free so as to increase false assumptions and perilous conclusions.
Proceed:

Things I heard:
* "God I hope they don't make me take my bra-wl off." - A heavy, older woman behind me at the security check in Baltimore/Washington airport. Now, they already go overboard with all the security- let's remember that 9/11 happened with boxcutters, not hidden bombs in my shoes- but I did have a small hope security would cavity search this lady so she could make a big scene about taking off her undergarments. I'm assuming her bra-wl (southern for bra) had an underwire in it, or, in her case, an undergirder beam.

* I sat beside the emergency exit door on my first trip, an experience my airliner did not want me to take lightly:
Stewardess: (Stern look) "Do you understand all the responsibilities of sitting in this row, and will you assist in the case of an emergency?"
Me: "Does anyone ever tell you no?"
Stewardess: "I don't let them."
Me: (fear of God instilled) "Um, I'm cool." (Although, if it comes down to us needing the emergency exit, we're screwed anyway. Same goes with those seat cushions-as-flotations devices. I'd like to see the crash landing on water that would necessitate their use.)

* I have no fear of flying- although I'm not a big fan of death- so getting on planes is no problem. I do get nervous, though, when I hear the B16 gate attendant announce the pilot would like us all to board quickly so he can get home in time for the game that night.

* On the way to the hotel: An oration on the best places to visit in St. Louis, given impromptu by the guy who drove the shuttle van. I felt like I was at a traveling Southern Baptist service, only he was preaching the commandments of jazz and barbecue. A few excerpts:
On a dance club: "I'm going to hurt you with a little bit of blues, kiss you with a little bit of salsa, smack you with a little bit of country and hit you with a little bit of rock and roll." (That might be classified as sexual assault, but boy does it sound appealing.)
On finishing a plate of the best barbecue in the country: "I don't know what condition you will be in, but it will be delicate." (And sticky)

* On Saturday night, after hours of seminars, most of us went out on the town. The conference organizers arranged for us to all go drinking, as reporters are best known for alcoholism, misquoting and a liberal bias. Eventually, I took to the streets with a group of four- myself and three female reporters from N.J., Mich. and La. (take that, postal service).
The following conversation took place in a time span of about 2 minutes:
Old dude: "Do you know where Blah Blah bar is?"
Me: "Yeah, actually, we just came from there, it's down the street."
Old dude: (To Mich. girl): "You have a nice smile." (pauses... stares awkwardly)
Mich. girl: "Uh...."
(Enter homeless dude)
HD: "Hey y'all... It's my birthday today."
Me: "Well, happy birthday"
(The three girls start walking slower behind HD and me, as they are more street savvy and also willing to sacrifice one for the benefit of the group. They'd never cut it in the military.)
HD: (Sings a random birthday song he apparently made up on the spot... and then): "Hey, you know this song? Ba beeda boo, eh da di, booo uhh ugh."
Me: "No idea, dude. Are you beat boxing?"
HD: "C'mon, you know this (continues beat boxing and scatting in a manner I might expect from the love child of Ella Fitzgerald and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, only if that child was also doing crystal meth)
NJ girl: (To me) "Hey, uh, you want to cross the street?"
And, scene.

* Barack Obama. It wasn't clear, and it wasn't technically in person, but I heard him. He was speaking across the street, under the St. Louis Arch, at a political rally attended by almost 100,000 people (see tomorrow's post). People at the seminar stayed at the hotel, but you could hear him over the loud speakers. I made sure to look out for terrorist activity-- you owe me, Palin.

Things I was given:
* A Gideons' Bible- they're orange now. Evidently, green bibles are soooo last season.

Things I almost missed:
* The last out of the American League Championship Series. On my flight home, we had access to XM satellite radio in our seats. I'm not a fan of the Red Sox or Rays, but I still love baseball. On the final out, as the Rays are either going to blow their 3-1 lead or win the pennant, the freaking stewardess interrupts the audio by giving us the final deboarding procedures. She just stopped early enough to catch the final call that the Rays one. And to think I almost missed it so that I could be reminded not to stand until the seat belt sign was turned off.

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* finish this sentence. See, that's one down.

Coming tomorrow- Things I saw- Expect photos, including one with nuns.

To Discuss a TV Play by Play: Part 2 of Making the Band 4 season finale

Items of business before we get to the drama of Making the Band 4 season finale, part 2...

* If you haven't done so already, check out/leave comments on the video I wrote as well as the co-blog I wrote with Miss Tiff... There are few times when I'm going to outwardly ask for you to look at stuff, but considering the amount of time and effort both took, throw me a bone. There just might be another video coming soon.

* I have no idea what kind of posts I'll be able to do until Monday because I'll be in St. Louis on business. I'm hoping my hotel has Wi-Fi. I also hope it has a hot tub. I will try to collect as many memories as possible so as to share with all of you when I return.

* I haven't done a reminder in a bit, but here goes: I had great fun writing a Question and Answer last month, and it'd be fun to do one every month. But I need questions to make that happen. So send them, about any subject or idea, to wildarschase@yahoo.com, or leave them in the comments section anytime... When I get enough, I'll do a post...
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OK, enough of that serious crap, and on to...

What is going on with Danity Kane?!?!?

It's the exciting conclusion of Making the Band 4, Season Three Season Finale Part 2 (confusing, right?)

:01 Oh, nice. It's a live finale, hosted by Sway, the hip, black MTV dude with the amazing amount of hair. They always put him on the R&B/Rap topics, as if to say, Hey world, we have street cred, and he wears argyle sweaters.
:04 We get a recap of what happened last episode- Aubrey, one of the original members of girl group Danity Kane, is kicked out of the group by Diddy for being disrespectful and being "raunchy and promiscuous." It might also be because she still calls him "Puff," which is so three nicknames ago.
:05 D Woods gets kicked out! It's going down! Although I should have seen this coming. Diddy promised to get "The Troof Up in This Bitch."......... D Into the Woods does not even appear upset.
:06 Aundrea, my fake TV girlfriend, your dress is so low cut and yet somehow not revealing that I'm concerned you may not actually have nipples.
:08 Back in the TRL studio, it's the quietest I've heard it since Lindsay Lohan's music video premiered. The entire audience of teens look genuinely stunned, as am I.
:15 Now back to footage- The remaining girls- Aundrea, Dawn and Shannon- try to figure out what to do next, as Diddy walks in with his amazing ability to have theme music play when he enters.
:19 Diddy tells the girls he's still behind them and wants to stick with them in the future somehow. He tells Shannon and Dawn it's been a pleasure working with them. Then, he says to Aundrea, "You're in the problem child category." That must be Diddy speaking about the aforementioned Troof.
:26 Boy band Day 26 and solo artist Donnie Klang are on stage after the commercial break for a live interview. They are all dressed alike. Remember when Backstreet Boys did that? Yep, it's still weird.
All the guys said they're shocked this is going down, since they didn't know what happened until the footage was played. Luckily, as adult, working professionals, they are able to eloquently state their extreme emotions by mumbling a series of "knowwhadimsayin" and "youknows" and "itscrazyyo." ..... There's No Singer Left Behind in this group (That's an American joke, Aussies.)
:33 Diddy appears via satellite feed, wearing a robe poolside. He might be inebriated, because he's having trouble focusing and keeps staring at the sky like it's raining Biggie Smalls.
Sway: How hard was it to let go of Aubrey, an original member of the group?
Diddy: It really wasn't that hard.
... I really wish Diddy was more upfront.
:42 Commence awkwardness. The three remaining DK members come on stage and are still shell shocked. Fortunately, they will have time to grieve the loss of their dreams and careers by being pummeled with questions on live TV.
:49 Yep, more awkward. Although D Woods had a "scheduling conflict," Aubrey shows up. Her make-up looks much better, but she isn't doing much else to show she's not the ho Diddy says she's become... Oh crap, Aubrey just said she's tired of blogs ripping on her. Uh, love you!
:51 Aubrey said she'd rather be real and hated than be loved for something she's not... if by real she means silicone, fake eyelashes, bottle blond hair, collagen implants and a fake tan, then yeah, let's be real, America. (See previous PxP post for photo comparison)
:57 Aubrey said she's behind Danity Kane no matter what. Sway asks Diddy if there's a chance Aubrey can get back in the band.
Diddy: "Check this out baby girl. Yo-yo-yo-yo att-tude is goin' have you in a dark and lonely place.... You need to humble yo-self."
Sway: "How do you feel about that?"
Aubrey: "I mean, ev..."
Diddy: "Hold on...I want to say, I hope you vote for Obama." (WTH?)
Aubrey: "Me too!"
.... and that's it! That's the end of the show. What have we learned? Diddy's top selling group is now out two members, with no solution offered during its season finale, but we do know who to vote for, as I'm sure the Obama camp is thrilled Diddy is stumping for them. Just thrilled.

Wow....wait a second... Sway just said there's going to be another season of Making the Band. Dude. Nice.

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Now that Making the Band is over, if there's another show you want me to Play by Play, let me know....

To discuss You're the next contestant on Prohibited or Not

Guess where I'm going this weekend?
It starts with S.
And ends in t. Louis.
No, it's not Chicago. It's St. Louis. You're so silly sometimes, blog friends.
It's actually for an all-expenses paid business trip to learn more about being a reporter; I was selected to attend after applying. So, in that respect, I'm looking forward to it.

But, perhaps even better, I should have some sweet blog posts coming up later this week and early next week. And that's not to mention this Thursday's post. To help celebrate my second month blogaversary and just for general good times, Miss Tiff and I wrote a co-blog about guys and girls. More details tomorrow. You're allowed to get excited now, though.

In preparation for my early morning flight out of Baltimore, I thought we'd play a game. Ready?

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Prohibited or Not, the game show that asks you to decide if this is an actual item listed on the prohibited list of the overzealous airline carry-on list. Before we get started, let's thank our sponsors, Homeland Security and Racial Profiling.
What are our prizes, now-dead Rod Roddy?

Dead Rod Roddy: It's a new (Matchbox) car! C'mon down!

Announcer: Amazing. Here we go. All you have to do is correctly identify the three objects NOT allowed on the airplane as a carry-on under any circumstance. Answers are at the bottom.

• Nitroglycerine pills
  
• Butter knives
  
• Knitting Needles
• iPod
  
• Toy Transformer Robots
• DVDs of "Flight 93" and "Airplane"
• Pipe dreams
• Pipe bomb
  
• References to "I am serious. And don't call me Shirley."
• Meat cleaver
  
• Wrench
• Breast milk
• Breasts
• Jell-o
• Gel shoe inserts
• Viagra
• A Koran

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Answers: Pipe Bomb. Meat Cleaver... and Gel shoe inserts (?!)....I guess my plane isn't gellin'.