To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model Cycle 13 Finale

We're down to Laura and Nicole in Cycle 13 of "America's Next Top Model," the first cycle for girls under 5'8. Nicole, at 5'7, and Laura, at 5'6, will now have to do the traditional Cover Girl commercial/photo, the Seventeen magazine shoot and the runway show to determine who will be America's. Next. Top. Model. Here's the TV Play by Play (here's last week's)......

The nickname reminder (explanation in the season premiere recap) Laura (The Widower) and Nicole (Black Sheep)
Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley), Lelly (Kara), Mommy (Rae) NC-17 (Brittany) Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai) Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin)

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:01 I almost forgot about the time at the baby photo when Jay Manuel asked if Black Sheep, "Are you awake?" Your "Top Model" finalist, everyone!

:02 Cows everywhere hope The Widower win tonight so they can stop shaking in fear she'll be back. That is, unless she somehow finds a way to combine her old life of cow castration with her new life of modeling. I smell a photo shoot theme.

:05 Jay Manuel looks like an Oompa Loompa today with his green coat and always slightly-orange skin. But he still looks good. Darn you Jay Manuel.

:08 I think Black Sheep's hair must weigh as much as her body. During her Cover Girl photo shoot with Nigel Barker, she looks as natural as possible and is already off to a good start.

:09 Widower, who is dyslexic, is stressed about her Cover Girl commercial. No worries, Widower. It's only a $100,000 contract and the chance of a lifetime! At least she has a legitimate excuse for messing up her lines. Most cycles, girls mess up just because they aren't any good. What's more, Widower didn't let it get to her, and eventually got it within about 10 takes. Compare that to Erin/Mena, who earlier this cycle was whimpering on her last take.

:11 When most models want a mental image to make them smile during a photo shoot with Nigel, they think of Jesus or their boyfriend. Widower is thinking of milkshakes and kittens. If she's not the all-time coolest Top Model contestant by now...

:12 Black Sheep's commercial isn't going well. Jay said she sounds like a rich snob. Maybe Cover Girl is catering to a new clientele these days. Goodbye Wal-mart, hello Nordstrom! ... There's such a juxtaposition between the Southern drawl of Widower and the private school enunciation of Black Sheep, it's almost as if the producers wanted to pit these two against each other on purpose... but hey, they'd never fix it like that. Um, right?

:15 Time for the Seventeen magazine cover shoot, with Ann Shoket leering around, hoping to get on camera a lot to prove she's still editor of the magazine and not just a woman who keeps popping up on "Top Model."

:18 The girls have a sit-down one-on-one interview Tyra, who asks hard-hitting questions like, "How tall are you?" and "So, you're a finalist?" Black Sheep says she used to sit in a bathroom stall during lunch as a student. Those days are over, Black Sheep. Now you can sit in a bathroom stall during lunch as a Top Model!

:20 Widower's grandmother wrote her a letter, saying how proud she is of Widower for making it this far. What grandma isn't saying, Widower, is that she's going to be jacked if you win the competition, because you won't need grandma to make clothes for you anymore. Another unemployed grandma, out on the streets. It really is a tough economy.

:22 It's time to prepare for the final runway performance; isn't it strange the show has the girls do runway in the finale, even though they barely do it at all during the season (this is one area that Bravo's "Make Me A Supermodel" is superior). That would be like "American Idol" asking its finalists to rap. On second thought, let's make that happen.

:23 Erin/Mena, Jennifer/Miss Congeniality, Sundai/Hot Fudge Sundae and Brittany/NC-17 are back to walk with the girls. They do their best to not act jealous.

:24 The girls (also including Cycle 12 winner Teyona) are going to model Julia Clancey designs, which evidently are a mix of Victorian-era, disco balls and pixie dust ... Everyone says they want Widower to win. So if you win, Black Sheep, I'd exit stage left asap.

:27 It's a shame Widower doesn't smile more.

:28 Runway time. The theme is "the elements." Black Sheep's first runway walk is a little scary. She looks like she wants to murder the audience. Maybe "the element" is volcanic explosion?

:30 If The CW is ever hard up for cash, they could probably make a killing selling uncensored "Backstage at 'Top Model' Runway Shows" DVDs. The blurred nipples are everywhere. Meanwhile, Widower looks great on her first walk, despite having never been in a runway show like this before.

:33 Black Sheep does much better on her second walk, with a theme of "Wind." And the last walk is "Water." This is starting to feel like a "Captain Planet" runway show. "This is one of the funnest things I've done," Widower says. Well put, Widower.

:38 It's time for the winner to be revealed. After going through all the girls' photos and work so far, the judges think Black Sheep is very couture, and Widower is very photogenic and personable. And the winner is...

:40 Black Sheep! She can hardly believe "a dork" like her is "America's Next Top Model." Dorks everywhere, rejoice. Too bad for Widower (and for her cows), but you have to think she'll get a modeling job in no time.

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Photos are from The CW.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 "Hawaiin Hip Hop"

Last week, Sundai drowned under the pressure of an underwater shoot, and she was sent home. With just four girls remaining in Cycle 13, it's only going to get more intense as we head into "Hawaiian Hip Hop," which sounds like something out of So You Think You Can Dance.

Here's the nickname reminder (explanation in the season premiere recap): Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin), The Widower (Laura)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley), Lelly (Kara), Mommy (Rae) NC-17 (Brittany) Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)

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:04 Mena Suvari has been in the bottom two for three weeks in a row now, and escaped every time. Is that a Top Model record?

:06 The Widower is surprised she's still in the competition, considering not luck ago she was castrating bulls. I'm surprised she still has sunburnt cheeks. Hasn't she figured out the whole sunscreen thing yet?

:07 Hip hop hula dancers ... well, now I've seen it all. Instructor Anna-Ritta Sloss says it's a new interpretation of hula. Then you see the Top Model girls try to do it, and you see a new interpretation of the new interpretation: hip hop hula train wreck.

:17 You know Top Model is struggling to find controversary when, during a practice for the hula challenge, all they can come up with is Black Sheep saying Mena "is getting kind of annoying." Take that, Mena! Oooh, burn! So Miss J, runway diva extraordinaire, says the winner of the challenge gets a trip to Hawaii with a friend. Just for doing hip hop hula? Shoot, where's my grass skirt?

:19 I love Miss J. On Mena's sad-to-happy hula interpretative dance: "It was like, child, please, you were angry." Meanwhile, Widower, out of nowhere, shows she can shake her booty on the hip hop portion. Miss Congeniality thinks Widower "probably gets freaky at the club." I'd think so, too, if I thought Widower had ever, ever been to a club that didn't have line dancing.

:24 Photoshoot time. The big surprise: Two girls are getting eliminated, a major change from Top Model history (usually, it goes down to Top 3, with two girls going home in the final after they all shoot the Cover Girl commercial). The theme is emulating Pele, the Hawaiian goddess of volcanoes. Top Model doesn't take the extreme step of having the girls shoot in a volcano, though. Hey, if Frodo and Sam can do it...

:30 Miss Congeniality is having a tough time modeling with her face and her body at the same time. On top of that, she has a tough time standing on the rocks without falling. Other than that, she's doing great.

:32 Black Sheep is going to win this photo shoot. You can tell by her amazing hair alone. Well, that, and Black Sheep almost always wins the photo shoots.

:33 They make Widower look like Rachel Hunter (Ed. note: I thought that before the judges point it out later). Widower tries doing the off-balance ninja wearing a dress pose. Sexy! I almost forget what Widower sounds like when I see her all done up... and then she talks and you remember she puts the bumpkin in country bumpkin.

:34 According to the photographer, evidently the goddess of volcanoes should be flirty and sexy. Have you ever met a sexy lava flow? Mena turns around her shoot by singing a pop song in her head. Any guesses what the song is? My guess is "I'm a Little Teapot."

:42 Judging time. Guest judge: Ann Shoket, who must never actually be in the office at Seventeen Magazine. The judges think Mena's photo is sexy and Miss Congeniality looks stiff. Tyra wants to help Widower look better in another grandma-made outfit, telling her to adjust the shirt. Can someone tell Tyra, then, that her parachute suit looks ready for takeoff?

:47 The judges love Widower's photo, even if she looks short (and her face looks like she wants to possess your soul). Black Sheep has a great face, but OK pose. This is the Top 4, right? And no one nailed it?

:55 Black Sheep, of course, gets best photo. And the other finalist is ... Widower! That means Miss Congeniality misses being Top Model's first Asian girl in the finals, and Mena misses adding to her record-setting escape of the bottom two. Next week, it's the grand finale, with the Cover Girl commercial and the runway show.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 "Dive Deeper"

Last week, Brittany couldn't cut it in the biracial photo shoot, which was either a really cool racially progressive idea, or a really stereotypical, racist thing to do. Hard to say when it comes to Top Model. We're now down to the Top 5 in last night's Cycle 13 episode, "Dive Deeper."

Here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin), The Widower (Laura), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley), Lelly (Kara), Mommy (Rae) and NC-17 (Brittany)
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:05 Mena Suvari is feeling the pressure. She finished in the bottom two two weeks in a row, as she watched Mommy and NC-17 get kicked off. Mena says at age 18, this is the biggest thing she's ever done. C'mon, Mena. American Beauty was the biggest thing you've ever done. You almost blew Kevin Spacey.

:06 Hot Fudge Sundae reveals she used to be in a foster home, but it's made her a better person- an admirable attitude. Not as admirable: She's sucking her thumb.

:07 It's The Widower's birthday, and she couldn't be happier. As she noted, she's gone from "castrating bulls to modeling." Yeah, but since you started modeling, Widower, it's been Bulls Gone Wild back on the farm. It's a veritable orgy.

:09 Swimsuit model/Victoria's Secret model/teenage boy dirty fantasy Marisa Miller,
the guest judge for the week, is on the beach to teach the girls about swimsuit modeling. Contrary to my belief, the object isn't to just look like the swimsuit is going to fall off at any moment. There's actual technique.

:10 I'd tell you more about what happened during the bikini session, but I passed out.

:11 Another blurred out moment: Widower's bikini top must have had a malfunction. There's been a lot of blurred out moments on Top Model this year. Just wait for them to release an uncensored DVD... Meanwhile, the girls practice being sexy under a shower. Drowned rat must be the new sexy. The only thing getting turned on right now is the faucet.

:19 For the challenge, the girls have to jump off a cliff into the water, giving a good pose on the way down. Mena says she has no problem jumping. "I'll jump off anything." Really? Are you taking requests? I know some girls in the house who might make a suggestion.

:23 What a surprise, Black Sheep wins. Miss Congeniality, who isn't very congenial this episode, practically is ill thinking of Black Sheep winning another event. It reminds me of Melrose- she won all the time, and the girls hated that. Melrose ended up losing to Caridee. So that means Black Sheep will end up losing to... Marisa Miller, who enters the competition for the chance to get on the cover of Seventeen magazine.

:25 All the girls except Mena are awarded extra frames at the next photo shoot, as nobody wanted to choose Mena because she's a "brat," according to Black Sheep. When the girl who everyone is jealous of says you're the unlikeable one, you know things aren't going well.

:32 Photo shoot time. The girls are shooting underwater, which they should have been expecting because it's a Top model staple. Without watching ahead, you just know one of the girls will have some issue with being underwater and freak out. It's like a girl being late for go-sees. P.S. I watch too much Top Model.

:33 Widower freaks out at first, but gets it together and remains adorable as she explains how it's bad to "Freak out at the bottom of the ocean." Actually, you are about 5 feet underwater, Widower, but we like you, so it's OK.

:35 Hot Fudge Sundae (who freaked out) comes up with all kinds of excuses on why she can't do the shoot. Jay Manuel said stop screwing around and do it. As someone with asthma, I don't buy her excuse she can't hold her breath underwater because of asthma. You're giving kids with asthma a bad name. And trust me- my middle school years prove we don't need any help.

:44 Judging time. Once again, Widower has an outfit on her grandma made. Her grandma must do nothing but sew all day. Give granny a break, Widower. Let her go castrate a bull once in a while. Side note: Marisa Miller's top is so low cut, she has bottom and top cleavage. It's epic cleavage.

:46 Miss Congeniality says she stops breathing during judging because of nerves. During deliberation, Marisa says Miss Congeniality's pose is "too erect." Miss J replies "it can never be too erect." Now I'm the one who's not breathing.

:56 Miss Congeniality gets top photo, followed by Black Sheep and Widower. Hot Fudge Sundae and Mena (for the third time in a row) are in the bottom two.

:58 And Hot Fudge Sundae goes home. They must really love Mena to keep stringing her along. Or maybe they'll just string her along to Top 2 and then cut her. Tyra's evil like that.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model Cycle 13 Premiere

It's already time for another season of America's Next Top Model. If you were like me, you could barely sleep at the mere thought of it! Or, more accurately, you were kind of happy your Tivo recorded it and figured, hey, better than Property Virgins reruns. Here's the two-hour season premiere play-by-play. If you haven't read my Top Model play-by-plays before, I give all the girls nicknames, as it's more fun that way. Here's the recap of the Cycle 12 finale, when Cruise (Teyona) won it all.

:03 Tyra makes her entrance. I think this is Tyra's favorite part of every season- her first entrance, when the girls act like she's the second coming of the Beatles, and she gets to act crazy.

:04 Last year, Tyra did the Greek god thing. This year, she used a terrible French accent. Next year, she busts out her Jackie from Fresh Prince persona. Can't wait!

:05 Jay Alexander, the photo director, hasn't aged since I've started watching this show.

:12 The girls interview with the judges. Courtney walks in on crutches because she broke her foot while cheerleading. Nice idea playing up the sympathy card, Courtney, but next time, really go for it by accidentally putting a hot iron on your face so you have a signature look the judges can't ignore.

:13 Tyra says she likes Courtney's body because "she has no boobs... she's almost like a boy." So Courtney is a flat-chested, crippled cheerleader. If that thought doesn't give her confidence, I don't know what will. Nickname: Spirit Fingers

:14 Amanda is so poor, she doesn't have indoor plumbing in her trailer, so if she has to go number 2, she goes to a gas station. I can't make this stuff up. Nickname: Joe the Plumber

:22 Amber loves Jesus. She wants you to know that, as it's the reason she's modeling. (I think that's in the New Testament somewhere). She also walked into her interview strutting like a peacock. Tyra: "What was all that?" Amber: "My catwalk. Meow." ANTM is back in full force! Nickname: Right Said Fred

:32 Laura, a Kentucky girl, castrates cows.... When they were asking for Top Model applicants 5'7 or shorter, did they ask that they be as odd as possible? Nickname: The Widower

:34 Almost all of these girls are skinny as a toothpick. I guess Tyra didn't want to try to promote a plus-size, short Top Model. Or a girl who looks like she has girl parts.

:35 The more I watch Top Model, the more I can see how each girl is a reminder of a past girl. Rachel has big doe eyes like Allison (Dracula) from last season. Bianca has a shaved head like Nnenna. Right Said Fred loves Jesus like London (London the Baptist). Different season, same girls.

:47 Tyra, Miss J and Jay narrow the field from 20 down to the final 14. I'll give them this- they somehow see models in girls that on the street, you'd think are destined for "What Not to Wear," or, in some cases, "Man vs. Wild."

:47 Kara looks like the love child of Kelly from Real Housewives of New York City and singer Leona Lewis. Not sure if that's a good thing yet. Nickname: Lelly

:54 Tyra calls out the top 14. As she stands next to the six girls who didn't make the cut, you are reminded this is Top Model Short Year-- she's literally head and shoulders taller than them. For a visual, think Godzilla attacking New York City.

1:00 NOOOOOO! Right Said Fred dropped out "for personal issues." She was a comedic gold mine, Tyra! Bring her back! Oh well. Lisa, who didn't make the cut before, takes her spot. Nickname: Understudy

1:02 This episode isn't joking around. They are already doing make-overs. Save something for next week, Tyra.

1:02 You know those Etch-a-sketch things you played with as a kid to give the man a funny mustache or crazy hair? That's essentially what Tyra is doing to each model's photos to illustrate their make-over.

1:06 Can we give all of America a make-over? Wouldn't we all be the better for it?

1:07 Every season, one girl complains about her make-over. This year, it's the girl with no hair, Bianca. She complains about her eyebrows getting bleached. It's one of many things Bianca complains about. Nickname: Pouty McPouterson

1:16 The girls go to the Top Model house, which has fun house mirrors and oversized furniture to remind the girls they are short. I wonder if they made the toilets too high. That would be funny.

1:16 Did I mention there's a girl named Sundai on here? That's not even my nickname for her. But she'll need a Nickname: Hot Fudge Sundae (a la Saved By the Bell, for those in the know)

1:22 Photoshoot time- the girls are replicating their childhood photos. Erin, even with bleach blond hair, looks like Mena Suvari. Well, that one's easy enough. Nickname: Mena

1:22 It's LuLu's turn. LuLu revealed earlier she's a lesbian, and has her girlfriend's name tattooed on her chest. Nickname: The L Word (that one works too perfectly)

1:23 Rachel, with her big doe eyes, will have the same problem Allison had last year in doing something with her face beyond "Deer Caught in Headlights!" Nickname: Headlights. During Rae's shoot to replicate her ballerina photo as a little girl, she has to wear eight-inch heels that have her standing on her toes, making her look like a ballerina about to turn tricks on the corner. She's got a daughter, and that's going to give her motivation. I like it. Nickname: Mommy

1:28 Brittany's photo as a kid is her sucking on a Pixie stick. But, as Jay Manuel points her, she looks like a porn star when she sucks on the Pixie stick as an adult. Nickname: NC-17

1:30 Nicole, with her mane-like red hair and standoffish attitude, is the black sheep of the house so far, the proverbial "here for the modeling, not to make friends." But she does great in her photos, so Jay compliments her. Nicole just smiles and nods. There's a girl like her every season. Nickname: Black Sheep

1:31 Last one, finally (14 girls is a lot, Tyra.) Jennifer is proud to be the sole Asian girl in the competition, and she's also proud after nailing her photo shoot. She's the bubbly one everybody loves and is just glad to be here. Nickname: Miss Congeniality

1:38 Judging time. Different this year: Paulina is gone, so a guest judge is being used. This time, it's some random model, Chanel Iman, but in future weeks, it'll be people like Lauren Conrad, Marisa Miller and Kim Kardashian. Also different: Wilhemina Modeling is signing the winner to a contract, as Tyra notes Wilhemina is willing to sign a girl of any height. Not said: That means the usual agency, Elite, said "Hecccccccccck no we're not signing a shortie."

1:50 My favorite shot of the week: Ashley, who got discovered by Top Model while attending the Tyra Banks show. Nickname: Lady Luck. Least favorite: Hot Fudge Sundae.

1:53 Girls in the top 13 (in order called): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Lady Luck (Ashley), Spirit Fingers (Courtney), Mena (Erin), The L Word (LuLu), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)...

1:54 With a bottom two of Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Understudy (Lisa). Pouty had a good photo, bad attitude. Understudy had bad photo, good potential.... and, since Top Model looooves keeping around girls with a bad attitude, Pouty stays, Understudy goes.