To discuss letters and standup

Hey dear, lovely people. Hope your holiday stuff was all candy canes and liquor or whatever the kids say these days. I took that time to relax some, and, of course, keep pushing on all this comedy stuff I've got brewing. Sometime soon, I'll update you on my improv troupe.

But for now, let's take a look at my standup routine from last night's open mic. I tried an all-new format that, if you've read this blog for any period of time, will sound awfully familiar. It was a big risk ... and it paid off! I've done more than a half-dozen open mics now, and it seems to be getting better and better. Hmm.

(Here's the video link)

I put a couple samples below for those of you who hate watching videos online. And also, please list any Facebook buttons you'd like to see offered. Let's make this mother interactive.

Dear Neighbor:

We're now several days into 2011, and your holiday decoration is still up. I see it every day when I come home. I thought New Year's would get you some motivation to take it down, but you refuse. It's getting embarrassing. I mean, c'mon. And you're still trying to light it! How long am I supposed to look at a jack o' lantern anyway?

Watching you,

Your neighbor

Dear Facebook:

A lot of people want you to add a "Dislike" button for status updates. That's not nearly far enough Facebook. Might I humbly offer some of these suggestions. A "Hate" button. A "That's What She Said" button. A "Just So You Know I Read All Your Status Updates and Look Through All Your Photos" button. And a "Am I supposed to be impressed and compliment the photo you posted of yourself looking pensive, you douchebag," button.

Sincerely,

Andy

To discuss what's not funny, and what's funny

Most weekends, I give you an update on all the hilarious things that happened. But I spent the latter part of last week and Labor Day weekend* working on important relationship stuff with Capricorn.

There are a lot of things I'll joke about, but important relationship stuff is not one of them. Sure, I've made light of lots of topics of Wild ARS Chase, but I do have boundaries, most importantly my relationships to those I love.

And most people would agree there are other things off limits for blogging jokes:

• 9/11 victims
• Date rape
• Death of a loved one
• Cancer
• Eating disorders
• Animal/child abuse
• Holocaust
  

Fortunately, there's a whole slew of other topics we can all choose from when looking for humorous inspiration. Let's give thanks for the following things we can make fun of without remorse. Feel free to use any of these as a starting off point for the week:

• Anne Frank
• People with funny accents
• Third party candidates
• Paula Abdul
• Britney Spears
• Britney Spears' vagina
• Getting raped in jail
• Porn
• Getting raped in jail porn
• Southerners
• Northerners
• Immigrants, if you ignore the fact we're all immigrants
  
• Mariah Carey
• Certain Christian sects
• Dick Cheney
• Any disease you can get on the Oregon Trail
• Any STD
• Michael Jackson (it's been long enough)
• Meth heads
• Your mom
• People who shop at Wal-mart, even though you shop at Wal-mart
• People with more than five kids
• The Black Eyed Peas
  
• Anyone with a rebel flag
• World of Warcraft players
• Certain Germans
• The Portuguese, who really screwed the pooch on world domination when they had the chance
• Televangelists
• WWJD bracelets
• People who think Christmas is celebrated on the day Jesus was born
• Real World cast members
• Customers who order a Big Mac and a Diet Coke
• Camel toe
• Bring It On movies
  
• The Chicago Cubs and Detroit Lions
  
• Churches who were offended by The Da Vinci Code
• Middle school sex ed videos
• Exposed thongs
• People who add exhaust systems to make their Honda sound louder
• Nickelback
• Testicles, in general

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* For you Canadians/Australians/Europeans, Labor Day is a day for Americans to take the day off from work so we can pat ourselves on the back for being between 45-55 percent efficient at our job when we're not using Facebook.