I hope you caught last week's TV Play-by-Play of America's Next Top Model ... We're down to the Top 5, so I couldn't pass up an opportunity to write another post on it this week. Remaining girls include BiVegan (Elina), Saudi Arabia (Analeigh), BritMcKey (Brittany S), Frenchgirl (Marjorie) and Blondboobs (Samantha)...(For an explanation of many of the names, see this original post).
The girls are in Amsterdam, where last week they modeled clothes in brothels, which, for ANTM standards, is par for the course. Token Asian (Sheena) got the boot for being too lewd, while BiVegan just barely made it through for another week of hypocritical rants against people with opposing views.
:04 Frenchgirl says BiVegan is too stiff when she models, which, when you're an awkward girl whose signature pose is called the "Hunchback of Notre Dame," is like Mariah Carey telling Whitney Houston she's a diva.
:05 They are still showing footage of Frenchgirl. I'm predicting she's in the bottom two. Getting shown early and often is doomsville, population you.
:06 Tyra Mail's rhyme, "You have to be more than good looking/if you want the first booking." Does Tyra get her poetry skills from a third grader?... The girls are going on "go-sees," which are visits with designers to convince them to book you for a show. It's different than "whoopsees," which is when your fly is down all day and no one tells you.
:08 Blondboobs' first designer says she's too commercial and not high fashion. In other words, she looks cute and pretty and doesn't have one of those weird faces that freaks people out. Have you ever really looked at runway models? They are butterfaces.*
:10 None of the Dutch people are willing to help the models, who are all lost. Being of Dutch heritage myself, I am ashamed... and also confused, because the Dutch are all feigning that they don't understand a lick of English. From henceforth, "Going Dutch" no longer means sharing the bill. It means avoiding tourists.
:11 I should have been a fashion designer. All you do is bring in hot girls to try on clothes in front of you, and then you're allowed to nitpick about the body parts you don't like, a la the Colonel Sanders approach- Don't like the breasts? Try the thighs. Don't like the thighs? Try our delicious new biscuits... Crap. Now I'm hungry and horny.
:17 You know things aren't going well when the designer has to give you pointers on how to model and you cry after every meeting *cough* Frenchgirl *cough*
:20 Every season during go-sees, a few girls don't make it back to the final area by the deadline (BritMcKey). I never understand why- it doesn't matter how well your go-sees go if you don't meet the deadline. On a related note, I've seen wayyy too much ANTM and it's detrimental to my life.
:23 Saudi Arabia wins the challenge. Her prizes are clothes or windmills or clogs or something.
:30 Tyra is the photographer this week, giving her an excellent opportunity to be over-t
he-top and overzealous... She tells Blondboobs to model like "Oliver Twist," a suggestion that I'm guessing includes porridge and cockneyed accents. Consider yourself at 'ome.:35 This must be the Braless Wonder episode.
:40 Time for the judging. I'd say Frenchgirl and BiVegan are in the bottom two.
:47 The judges ripped Frenchgirl for being timid, and now they tell BiVegan she is still a control freak. One of them mentions BiVegan is 18. Eighteen!?!? If she's 18, then I'm 45... They tell her to scream and let her hair down, which at this point looks like Carrot Top made out with a blender.
:50 BritMcKey, who rocked the photo shoot, looks like a celebrity and I can't decide which one. Natasha Henstridge, perhaps?
:55 Blondboobs gets first place this week. So much for being too commercial. Unrelated note: All the girls are now wearing bras, judging by the lack of shirt raisins seen during the photo shoot.
:56 Bottom two: Frenchgirl and BiVegan. Why can't I be this good at predicting the Kentucky Derby or the Super Bowl? Maybe because there's no catwalk involved.
:57 BiVegan goes home. Frenchgirl responds to the judges' confidence in her by meekly saying "Thank you." That'll show 'em... Now that BiVegan is going home, there's no one left to make unsolicited judgements on the other girls.
On next week's episode, all the girls get drunk and make out with boys. I am not making this stuff up.
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* If you don't know what that means, ask a friend.
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