To discuss a trip to New York, New York

Start spreading the news. I'm leaving today.

OK, it was Saturday, but Sinatra didn't sing it like that so deal.
Would you believe I had never been to a Broadway show leading up to Saturday? I've been to New York City a few times - a couple parties, some baseball games and an internship interview at Madison Square Garden.*

* My brother came with me, and he drove us back. We ended up in Delaware. Still have no idea how that happened. My hometown, north of Pittsburgh, is a straight shot west from New York City. He's the Christopher Columbus of highway driving, evidently.

I went with a tour group, including my friend Sara, who's also in my improv troupe. She had made it a personal mission to get me to NYC, whereas I had thought of other, better personal missions, such as curing cancer, getting a raise or convincing McDonalds to sell shamrock shakes in November.**

** Seriously, McDonalds, those are like the only reason I patronize your devil shop. You bring back the McRib, and I can't get some minty satisfaction unless spring is in the air? Like spring needs MORE hype? Spring is the overzealous fame whore of seasons.

I knew it was going to be a good trip when our bus driver remarked, "You have to find a hole and fill it. Find the hole." He was talking about driving in NYC traffic. Or was he?

Some highlights:

* We got discounted TKTS tickets... that still cost $78.50. Ah, Broadway. You make going to the movies seem like a bargain.

* While we waited, we walked from Times Square to Central Park, which is more or less about 98 miles away. Fortunately, it was beautiful out and I was completely fascinated by everything. I even looked up at the buildings, a classic tourist no-no.

* I found no homeless homicidal heroin-addicted vagabonds in Central Park, and was slightly disappointed. It was actually extremely beautiful there with the fall leaves. There's always next time.

* For some reason I had hoped to see Alec Baldwin walking around town. It did not happen.

* The women in NYC are crazy attractive, which leads me to my long-standing theory that you should base your decision on where to live in part by what kind of "Attractive Scale" you want to be on. A girl who's an 8 in a small town is a 4 in NYC. This must not be ignored. Would you rather be a smalltown 9, or another 6 in the city? Something to consider.

* I enjoyed the horse-drawn carriage tour guide texting instead of seeing where his buggy is going. Is there a texting while driving a horse-drawn carriage ban in New York?

* The show we saw, Next to Normal, won some Tonys last year. Now I can see why. Absolutely, ridiculously good (that's the stage in the photo). And that's considering it's a "rock musical," and I don't really like rock musicals. Please go see it. It's only on Broadway until early January, as evidently Broadway hates awesome shows.

* First time someone bumped into me on the street, I said, "Sorry, pardon me." Then I remembered that unlike Pennsylvania, that's a silly thing to say to people in New York. I settled on variations of "Check yourself before you wreck yourself" and "Screw you and your whore mother."
* Only in New York City does it make sense to import a giant pine tree each year.
* Those pretzels they sell on the streets are damn good. Please, no comments on how they are likely filthy.
* Next time I go, which hopefully will be soon, I'll get to stay longer and see the sights and all that jazz. Let me know if there are any hidden gems.

To discuss Chicago, Chicago

By Friday morning, I will be in a city known for wind, historic losing, Oprah and a musical starring Catherine Zeta Jones' legs.

That's right, it's Chicago.

It's the third time I'll be attending an expenses-paid reporters' conference (who knows why they keep accepting me).

The last time, I went to the A-T-L, but was unable to track down Kim, NeNe or Ludacris. I did, however, have this happen to me:

"Since I didn't want to end up anyone's bitch, handcuffed to a bed with my wallet stolen and a sock in my mouth, I smiled politely and tried to back off. She then leaned over and asked me,
'Do you like bad girls?'"

That trip was also right after the first time Capricorn and I told each other "I love you." We have since told each other that about 10,000 times, and have managed to never say "P.S. I Love You" Hilary Swank style because that would be obnoxious and annoying.

For the first conference, I went to St. Louis, and happened to stay at a hotel across the street from a rally for then-presidential hopeful Barack Obama. I also got to go up in the St. Louis Arch, which I imagine is more or less a claustrophobic's worst nightmare. And how could I forget this random encounter on the street:

Old dude: "Do you know where Blah Blah bar is?"
Me: "Yeah, actually, we just came from there, it's down the street."
Old dude: (To Michigan girl): "You have a nice smile." (pauses... stares awkwardly)
Mich. girl: "Uh...."
(Enter homeless dude)
HD: "Hey y'all... It's my birthday today."
Me: "Well, happy birthday"

Who knows what will happen this time. Any guesses? Knife fight? Chess match with a Chicago Cub? Oprah decides not to leave Chicago just because of my presence?