To discuss me becoming a (founding) father

I expect Father's Day cards from all of you this year.

This summer, I'm going to be a Founding Father.

Yeah, that just happened. Pick up your jaw.

After rave reviews* from my performance as Max Detweiler in "Sound of Music" last summer doing community theater, I couldn't resist auditioning for a show again this summer.

I auditioned for a new company, and these guys do professional (read: actors make some bank) shows and had just started a new dinner theater, so I was half-confident and half expecting the audition to end up like one of those "Center Stage" girls with me crying about my fat thighs or something.**

The show: 1776. Now, if your Canadian (waddup, Ben?) or Australian (waddup, Amy?) or Scotland, (waddup, P?), 1776 may mean nothing to you beyond the number of times Kate Gosselin's kids have asked "Where's mommy?"***

But for Americans, it's the year we declared our independence from England's insistence that we spell theater as "theatre." And taxes and repression or something.

The musical focuses on the Continental Congress as it debates the Declaration of Independence. I'll be playing Roger Sherman (at right), the representative from Connecticut and a member of the committee responsible for writing the declaration. Ironically, Sherman sings about how he won't write the declaration because he's "not a writer."

Ha ha ha! Haha... he... umph... This is where you all say, "Yeah, that's so funny because Andy is such a good writer!"****

As there are 25 guys and only 2 women in this show, it's a total sausage fest, but a patriotic, all-American sausage fest. I'll love being back on stage, and I get to wear hose, which is slimming horrible.

Here's the catch: The show runs from late June to early August, every weekend. There goes my big summer plans to ... well, I was going ... and there there was that thing ... I was planning ... aw, hell, I was going to eat cheeseburgers and watch House Hunters reruns.
--------------------------
* From my mother
** I better stop referencing the ballet drama Center Stage if I am going to keep doing this heterosexual thing. But it's such a good movie! (Stop it, Andy!)
*** Mommy is trying to be famous, kids. But here's a photo reminder in case you forget what she looks like. That hairy man she's with is your new daddy.
**** Such a good writer I have to rely on asterisk jokes.

To discuss concerned letters to Gabourey, Stanley Tucci and more

Dear Gabourey:
Congrats again on "Precious." What a powerful movie. But can we talk about your Saturday Night Live performance this past weekend? It felt like I was watching high school improv. Your Jamaican accent was less convincing than Miss Cleo, you broke character more times than Jimmy Fallon, and you went about the jokes with all the finesse of Seth MacFarlane delivering a Family Guy punchline.
I still love you and all, and I hope there's some sort of Precious sequel with you hooking up with Lenny Kravitz while he and Mariah Carey try to adopt you and then Whoopi Goldberg shows up with a bunch of nuns and hijinx and choir music ensue, but that SNL performance made me second guess your skills just a little bit.

Yours truly,
Sapphire


Dear Medal of Honor: Frontline game:
I've been playing you for a few weeks now, just to randomly play video games again and hold on to my fleeting youth*, but I have a feeling you are creeping into my life a bit too much. I have repeatedly used the phrase "storming the beaches of Normandy" to describe everything from entering busy shopping centers to walking my dog.
I also think about good sniper look-outs in my day-to-day activities.
And I am becoming way too confident that I could have made it as a World War II soldier, when really, the fear would leave me soaked in my own urine and crying like a little girl. Unless we're talking about the Revolutionary War. In that case, I'd be one of those guys that plays the trumpet and gets people excited and then runs to the back of the line.

Sincerely,
Sgt. Andy

(* Dear Aeropostale:
It was nice while it lasted.

Love,
27-year-old Andy)

Dear Christina Hendricks:
I still haven't seen your show, but please continue to be famous by whatever means necessary.

Thinking of you,
An Esquire reader
P.S. Love your hair.

Dear State and Federal Tax Collector:
This might sound crazy, but could you next year create a Facebook application that lets you do your taxes? It would be so much more fun. And let people pay in, say, Farmville dollars.

XOXO,
Taxpayer

Dear Guy Who Lives Above Me:
You know I can hear you when you are screaming profanities at your (ex?)girlfriend/wife on the phone, right?
Considering you like to listen to Madonna most Saturday mornings, maybe there's an underlying cause to this tension. And by Madonna, I mean deep tracks on Ray of Light Madonna.
I'll leave it at that.


Yours,
Neighbor

Dear Stanley Tucci:
So after I figured out "The Lovely Bones" isn't about the kinship amongst Bone Thugs-'n'-Harmony members and instead is about you being a total creeper, I really liked your performance.
The only problem is (spoiler alert), I now will not be able to sleep at night, worried you are planning to rape and murder me in a cornfield after I agree to check out the underground bunker you made just for us kids.
Wait a second. You'd have to be a complete idiot to check out an underground bunker in a cornfield made by your sketchy neighbor with the combover. Phew.
At least your movie will bring to light the bunker murder epidemic that plagues today's youth.

Hugs and kisses,
Andy Salmon

Dear Blog Readers:
I've now reached 400 posts on Wild ARS Chase since I started in August 2008. Thanks for all the comments, e-mails and mostly just for stopping by.

Kittens and rainbows,
WAC

To discuss offering advice via Yahoo! Answers

I've been told often that I give great advice, which I find flattering, albeit hollow, since every piece of advice I've given I heard first from Boy Meets World's Mr. Feeney. Still, I thought I'd take a crack at answering some of the pressing questions on Yahoo! Answers.

These are actual questions. The link to each question is provided. I just hope these people appreciate what I've done for them.

Question 1:
Q: Girls ,what would you dress a guy in ,if he ask you to dress him up like a girl? if a guy wanted you to dress him in something really soft and feminine , stockings ,heels ,makeup ,silky lingerie , dress, wig with hairbow/ribbons/bonnet. what would be a great idea to make him look all girlie and cute? Preferably pink and floral!

Your Answer:
Dear Tom:
I'll skip the obvious question here: Who wears a bonnet outside of Easter? Oops, two obvious questions: At one point did a guy look at a female friend and say, "This whole pants and button-down shirt thing is overrated. What do you have in spanks and a bustier?"
We'll skip those.
Might I suggest:
A) Christina Hendrick's look in the new Esquire: Upside - Very feminine and sexy. Downside - You'll need an ample bosom.
B) Stilettos, tank top, fuchsia lipstick and a miniskirt: Upside - You'll undoubtedly look like a woman Downside - You'll undoubtedly look like a hooker.
C) Screen pretending to be an Irish janitor lady in Saved by the Bell (requires black wig): Upside - You can spy on Kelly, Lisa and Jessie in the locker room. Downside - You'll get caught and Zack will be in trouble!

Question 2
Q: My girlfriend wants me to sleep with other women?
My girlfriend think our physical relationship is suffering due to my inexperience, and she has been suggesting that I sleep with more experienced women to improve my performance. She even has a couple of friends keen to show me the ropes. Is this cheating? Is this creepy or is it actually a good idea.

Your Answer: So your girlfriend says, "Sleep with my slutty friends to get some sex practice in," and your initial concern is, "Am I cheating?"
While you stew on that for a moment, let me throw out this thought: Why not have a few of your inexperienced guy friends have sex with your girlfriend, so she can figure out what you are doing wrong compared to them?
In fact, you may want to have your girlfriend's female friends sleep with her, too, as they are all more experienced. Might as well cut to the chase here.
No, I don't think this idea is cheating, but the fact she'd rather export your sex business to an outside source is both disturbing and another way of letting the terrorists win.

Question 3
Q: Is it ok to hit a woman if she cheats on you or steals from you? ... or says you have a small penis, or kicks you in the testicles?

Your Answer: It's always perfectly acceptable to hit a woman, especially if she "says" she was raped - then you stone her for her transgressions!
Oh, wait, you're not talking about religious extremists from the Middle East? You mean just your everyday, average American woman? Yeah, dude, sorry, you can't hit her. And I do love how you put the "small penis" thing in the middle of your question, so as to hide the real reason why you want to hit a girl.
Might I suggest buying Grand Theft Auto, where you can bludgeon hookers to your heart's content.

Question 4
Q: How do regain your social status when your town thinks you're a joke?

Your Answer: Might I lay out a three part plan:
1) Become a vampire: People RESPECT vampires, especially ones that sparkle under the sun and/or have an HBO series
2) Change your Facebook status to "Not a joke"
3) Become quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers: I hear they may soon have an opening