To discuss things I know at the age of 28

I can only assume you've all been wondering what I've been up to these past weeks since I last wrote. No? Not at all? Good, that means your life has been awesome.

But for those who still wonder, it's mostly been full of improv comedy. Like, a ton of it. Email me and I'll tell you more. There's more important stuff to get to...

I just turned 28, y'all/dudes/Muppets/ladies!

My birthday was Sunday. Unlike last year, I wasn't snowed inside. In fact, I wasn't even in Pennsylvania. I was in Chicago, watching and doing improv all weekend with my girlfriend (and also watching The Fighter*)

* That continued my man-crush on Mark Walhberg, but it's also just a fantastic movie. It made me want to become a boxer until I realized I couldn't take getting punched in the face, which seems to be a requirement.

I've learned a lot in the past year since I wrote my "Things I Know At Age 27" post. Let's find out things I now know at age 28.

* I will never be 27 again. Sure, that seems like a no-brainer, but when you're, say, 9, you don't realize you don't get to be 8 again.

* It's easier to get older as a guy.

* The Wonder Years hasn't stood the test of time as much as I wanted it to, but Boy Meets World has. I can accept that.

* All anyone can ask for is a steady job in a field they like, with people to share life with around that. Also, Shamrock milkshakes from McDonalds.

* I am extremely fortunate that I get to do a job I am good at and enjoy.

* I'm even more fortunate to have some talent that allows me to get paid to make people laugh. I find this ridiculous, but will not be telling that to the people signing the checks.

* It took me this many years to figure out what I really want to do with my life versus what I've always done with my life. As it turns out, you can't really know that at 21 or 22.

* Underwear is kinda silly if you think about it.

* Pay phones sure disappeared, right?

* As it turns out, most religions are rooted in plagiarism.

* People get too anxious over airport security. It's not complicated.

* But I still do not like metal detectors.

* The Oscars aren't really about who was the best as much as who has the best publicity push at the right time.

* 9/11 is still really weird and disturbing to think about with any degree of seriousness. A plane? Into a building?

* I think about things like property taxes, interest rates and depreciation way more now.

* I think about colors in nature, the way machines work and imaginary things way less now.

* I still get to play make-believe with improv comedy, though, and that's going to keep me young.

* My life goals are much more clear, and, better yet, much more attainable.

* Katy Perry will one day be looked back upon the same way we look at, say, Joan Jett in terms of cultural influence. Not sure what I think of that.

* I haven't wavered in my love of hip hop, years after it would be considered OK for a small-town white guy to like it. Favorites now include Drake, Rick Ross, Jay-Z, Lil' Wayne and Eminem. But now it's because of the lyrical word play.... OK, that and it's fun to pump the bass.

* But I have not, and likely never will, be able to make it rain.

* I still love Radiohead.

* I still weigh about the same as I did at age 18, and in fact can fit in the same jeans. I also know those days can't possibly last forever.

To discuss letters and standup

Hey dear, lovely people. Hope your holiday stuff was all candy canes and liquor or whatever the kids say these days. I took that time to relax some, and, of course, keep pushing on all this comedy stuff I've got brewing. Sometime soon, I'll update you on my improv troupe.

But for now, let's take a look at my standup routine from last night's open mic. I tried an all-new format that, if you've read this blog for any period of time, will sound awfully familiar. It was a big risk ... and it paid off! I've done more than a half-dozen open mics now, and it seems to be getting better and better. Hmm.

(Here's the video link)

I put a couple samples below for those of you who hate watching videos online. And also, please list any Facebook buttons you'd like to see offered. Let's make this mother interactive.

Dear Neighbor:

We're now several days into 2011, and your holiday decoration is still up. I see it every day when I come home. I thought New Year's would get you some motivation to take it down, but you refuse. It's getting embarrassing. I mean, c'mon. And you're still trying to light it! How long am I supposed to look at a jack o' lantern anyway?

Watching you,

Your neighbor

Dear Facebook:

A lot of people want you to add a "Dislike" button for status updates. That's not nearly far enough Facebook. Might I humbly offer some of these suggestions. A "Hate" button. A "That's What She Said" button. A "Just So You Know I Read All Your Status Updates and Look Through All Your Photos" button. And a "Am I supposed to be impressed and compliment the photo you posted of yourself looking pensive, you douchebag," button.

Sincerely,

Andy

To discuss the craziness that is Bath and Body Works' scents

I have walked into Bath & Body Works with a variety of females throughout my life. Here is what they always, always say as soon as we step in the door:

"Oh, I'm only going to get something if there's a sale."

Fun fact: There's ALWAYS a sale, ladies! Do you think anyone is paying full price for a bottle of lotion with a fancy name? No, sir. But you will buy 10 bottles of lotion for $50, down from $60, because you can totally justify it.

"Well, I only needed one bottle, but that's such a good deal, and I could stick one in my car, and, oh maybe one extra at work. And ooooh I love this scent! OMG!"

I'm not downplaying how good some of that stuff smells. Of course, if I worked there, smelling that every day would lead to several shades of Apricot Vanilla murder, but from time to time, it can be pleasant (I'm a sucker for any woman with vanilla).

And yet, I do wonder this:

Is there somebody out there whose entire job is to think of names for the fragrances?

Who came up with...

* Cool Citrus Basil (A cold basil-covered orange sounds disgusting)
* Enchanted Orchid (Does it talk? Can it sing or dance?)
* Fiji Passionfruit (Did you just pick a random tropical location?)
* Night Blooming Jasmine (Opposed to day blooming?)
* Velvet Tuberose (I think that's what Nicole Kidman died of in "Moulin Rouge")
* Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin (... are just random words you threw together)

And that brings me to this point:

Couldn't I, too, be a Bath and Bodyworks fragrance namer? After all, there seems to be a pattern. Let's try.

Pick one word from this group:
Gorgeous ... Flowery ... Dew-kissed ... Honeycovered ... Genital warts inflicted ... Blood ravaged ... Mutilated ... Sweet kiss of death loving ...

Then add it to this group:
Rose petals ... Cucumber slices ... Teddybears ... Osama bin Laden ... Firey loins ... Death row inmate ... Harry Potter

It's that easy, isn't it? And people will buy that stuff, just because it's from Bath & Body Works and on sale. You're welcome, Bath & Body Works.

Please let me know if you have any names, and I'm sure you do.