To discuss things I know at the age of 28

I can only assume you've all been wondering what I've been up to these past weeks since I last wrote. No? Not at all? Good, that means your life has been awesome.

But for those who still wonder, it's mostly been full of improv comedy. Like, a ton of it. Email me and I'll tell you more. There's more important stuff to get to...

I just turned 28, y'all/dudes/Muppets/ladies!

My birthday was Sunday. Unlike last year, I wasn't snowed inside. In fact, I wasn't even in Pennsylvania. I was in Chicago, watching and doing improv all weekend with my girlfriend (and also watching The Fighter*)

* That continued my man-crush on Mark Walhberg, but it's also just a fantastic movie. It made me want to become a boxer until I realized I couldn't take getting punched in the face, which seems to be a requirement.

I've learned a lot in the past year since I wrote my "Things I Know At Age 27" post. Let's find out things I now know at age 28.

* I will never be 27 again. Sure, that seems like a no-brainer, but when you're, say, 9, you don't realize you don't get to be 8 again.

* It's easier to get older as a guy.

* The Wonder Years hasn't stood the test of time as much as I wanted it to, but Boy Meets World has. I can accept that.

* All anyone can ask for is a steady job in a field they like, with people to share life with around that. Also, Shamrock milkshakes from McDonalds.

* I am extremely fortunate that I get to do a job I am good at and enjoy.

* I'm even more fortunate to have some talent that allows me to get paid to make people laugh. I find this ridiculous, but will not be telling that to the people signing the checks.

* It took me this many years to figure out what I really want to do with my life versus what I've always done with my life. As it turns out, you can't really know that at 21 or 22.

* Underwear is kinda silly if you think about it.

* Pay phones sure disappeared, right?

* As it turns out, most religions are rooted in plagiarism.

* People get too anxious over airport security. It's not complicated.

* But I still do not like metal detectors.

* The Oscars aren't really about who was the best as much as who has the best publicity push at the right time.

* 9/11 is still really weird and disturbing to think about with any degree of seriousness. A plane? Into a building?

* I think about things like property taxes, interest rates and depreciation way more now.

* I think about colors in nature, the way machines work and imaginary things way less now.

* I still get to play make-believe with improv comedy, though, and that's going to keep me young.

* My life goals are much more clear, and, better yet, much more attainable.

* Katy Perry will one day be looked back upon the same way we look at, say, Joan Jett in terms of cultural influence. Not sure what I think of that.

* I haven't wavered in my love of hip hop, years after it would be considered OK for a small-town white guy to like it. Favorites now include Drake, Rick Ross, Jay-Z, Lil' Wayne and Eminem. But now it's because of the lyrical word play.... OK, that and it's fun to pump the bass.

* But I have not, and likely never will, be able to make it rain.

* I still love Radiohead.

* I still weigh about the same as I did at age 18, and in fact can fit in the same jeans. I also know those days can't possibly last forever.

To discuss things I have left jilted at the altar of life

Have you ever hit the wall?

No, not that one time with your parents' car.

I mean metaphorically. I'm having one of those experiences this week. I've hit an Internet wall, just as many of you have. Through a series of busy nights, hectic days, travel-filled weekends and dodging overzealous holiday shoppers like Mario bouncing around Bowser, I haven't had much time to do any blogging this week. Read them, write them, laugh at them, light them on fire, whatever.
I feel weird for feeling ashamed at this, like not putting spare change in the Salvation Army kettle when the dude is ringing the bell with vigor in your direction. There's no obligation, but you feel like you're spitting on baby Jesus if you don't at least throw a Sacagawea dollar in or something.
Because I have so much fun writing for this blog and reading your comments in which you question my sexuality, sanity and ability to use proper grammar, I'll get over the proverbial hump on this, probably by early next week.
That's a welcome change from my past behavior. I am normally the king of "get passionate about something for a couple months and then quit abruptly." I have hobby ADD.
Here's a (UPDATED!) list of things in my life I have, at some point, taken an interest in only to suddenly and inexplicably abandon after a short time like Julie Roberts' fiances in "Runaway Bride":

• Golf
• Playing the piano
• Gymnastics
• Drawing
• Richard Gere (No, wait, that was just Julia)
• Poetry
• Exercising
• Eating healthy
• Politics
• The National Hockey League
• The Bible
• The Bible again, after getting tired of reading about begatting in Numbers and Deuteronomy
  
• The Bible a third time, but only the New Testament after Romans left me feeling like I've sinned in every way possible
• Car maintenance
• Learning Spanish
• Going to graduate school
• Feeling guilt at eating an entire container of Keebler ELF Fudge cookies
• Celebrating the real meaning behind Christmas
• Celebrating the real meaning behind Easter
• Cycling
• Crystal meth (No, wait. That was Crystal Light iced tea.)
  
• Running
• Staying in touch with people
  
• Writing music
• Budgeting
• Updated:
• Reading Les Miserables
• Reading, period
• Recycling more
• Yoga
• MySpace
• AIM
  

What about you?

I'll try to be better next week. I really will.

To discuss things I learned from Cosmo: December

Here's December's installment of the new feature, "What I Learned from Cosmo," including Cosmo's advice and stories. I borrowed Capricorn's Cosmo, with this month's cover girl, Jessica Simpson and her shirt twins, as evidently she doesn't take photos now with a non-cleavage baring shirt.
As always, if you wouldn't normally read Cosmo because it's magazine smut for women, then stop here. My comments are in italics:

• Right off the bat, Cosmo offers a "Things I Didn't Know Till This Issue." Maybe this post is already done for me! One tip: "Storing the Pill in your bathroom may reduce its effectiveness due to moisture." Really? I thought having sex reduces its effectiveness.
• Girls like to look at half-naked girls. Why else would all the ads be of scantily-clad women? Or are all women secretly lesbians who just pretend they like dudes?
• Jessica Simpson says the thing she gets the most compliments on is her... nose?
• In a section dishing on "hilarious observations about Hollywood stars," Cosmo takes some jabs that are just sooo funny. "The Sex and the City movie was a huge hit, but now that Carrie, Charlotte, and Miranda are all married, they may have to call the in-the-works sequel Celibacy and the City." Oh no you didn't, Cosmo! You went there! Oh yes, you did!
  
• "Read between his lines: He says 'It's just a guy thing, so you wouldn't understand.' He means: It's going to upset you if I explain."... Yeah, what he means is that we don't feel like talking to you about why we we're mentally figuring out the bra size of your best friend.
• "I have a bad cold and look terrible. How can I camouflage my red nose and eyes?"...Glad you asked. I'd suggest a ski mask, or a gig at the mall as Santa's helper, or getting addicted to heroin so that people are more concerned about your habit than they are about how you look like Amy Winehouse's supplier.
• Advice on having "Total Body Sex": Unless he is going to stick it in your ear, I don't think the headline is accurate, Cosmo. Unless you're into that. And then I'd suggest using protection- ear plugs and Q-tips.
• A section on "Smart Girlfriend Behavior," telling girls to do things like "Give him a quick kiss, don't be all over him." My favorite is "Accidentally forget your necklace at his place so he thinks of you/Don't leave a toothbrush." This is why guys get upset with girls. Because they play mind games. And now I know who is the Game Maker. It's you, Cosmo.
  
• Cosmo's "Naked Quiz," including this question: "Would you ever put on a stripping/lap dance act for your bf? A) Hell yeah! B) Maybe after taking one of those classes C) Only if he begged for it on his birthday"... Or D) Only if I get paid for it and all his friends post the photos on Facebook. It might get me on next season's "Rock of Love."
  
• Ten Phrases He Never Wants to Hear: "You kiss just like your brother...Well, here's the good news: Your boys sure can swim!"... Or "That's so cute! It looks shy. Will it get bigger or does it stay tucked away like a scared flesh turtle?"
• "How much discharge indicates an infection?"...WTH??!?! If you have to ask, you probably have something.
• My horoscope for Aquarius: "Pay attention when you have a light bulb moment about something important, courtesy of electrified Uranus." ... Who wants to make the joke here?
• Cosmo's Red-Hot Read: "When Bailey wrote out her holiday wish list, she neglected to include an evening with a sexy guy. But she got her dream package anyway."... I was right. Cosmo really is soft-core porn.

To discuss things I learned today

* When a 5-year-old boy talks about his "girlfriend," even though he doesn't have one, it's cute (interviewed a kindergarten student today). When a 25-yr-old man talks about his "girlfriend," even though he doesn't have one, it's sad and cause for concern.
* On a related note, I'm learning that I may or may not be classified as a stalker. There's a cute girl who drives a blue Mazda 3 in my apartment complex. I figured out where she lived, and now I find myself walking my dog, "casually," by her place, oh, say, all the time on the off chance she's outside. That puts me between using binoculars and installing a wire tap on the stalker scale, I think. Funny thing is, I did actually see her outside once. When my dog and I walked past, I completely blew it and didn't say a word. Coincidentally, I saw the cops drive past recently.
* I'm not as eloquent as a little girl I talked to today,who aptly described the effect of being pushed by a boy: "He punched me in the heart!"
* I saved 10 cents a gallon on one tank of gas with my grocery store spending. But it took me 100 dollars of spending to get there. Spend 100, save $1.50. Oh, American economy. You keep punching me in the heart. And by heart, I mean junk.