Friday, November 14, 2008

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: America's Next Top Model Isn't Awkward

This is getting serious.
We're down to the top four girls on America's Next Top Model, Cycle 156. For a play-by-play of last week's episode, go here.

Last week's promo previewed a sordid episode for this week. In the grand scheme of ANTM, that could mean anything from a girl cheating on her boyfriend to a girl cheating on her girlfriend to a girl cheating on her diet... So let's get busy.

BiVegan was booted last week. We're left with BritMcKey, Blondboobs, Frenchgirl and Saudi Arabia. (See this for an explanation of names, but, really, you don't care who's who anyway).

:04 The girls recall Frenchgirl's abominiation last week when they went on Go-Sees (visiting designers). She was more awkward than a 7th grade boy asking a girl to dance. Coincidentally, with that haircut, she kinda looks like a 7th grade boy.
:07 The girls practice selling weird items without speaking. They are asked to show off fish, toilet paper and a cell phone. Too bad they weren't asked to sell Valtrex. All you need for that is a canoe and a lake. Because every herpes medication commercial involves people outdoors (That's how you get herpes: Rowing... And sex with strangers)
:09 Don't know why it took me so long to notice, but BritMcKey speaks out of the side of her mouth. It's like that Seinfeld episode when Jerry can't stop saying "Hellooooo... La, la la" around his girlfriend.
:16 The girls are told they are auditioning for a TV commercial. They have to flirt with a guy going by in a taxi. The guy jumps out the car, the girl kisses him. Yep, Frenchgirl should be amazing in this one, if by amazing I meant the 7th grade boy tries to kiss the girl at the end of the song, which likely is Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On."
:18 Each girl auditions. Saudi Arabia continues to be cute and adorable, not unlike Sarah Palin when she's cornered by the liberal gotcha media.
:20 French girl is awkward but in a good way. Good for her. I didn't have to cringe at all. She even wins the challenge.
:23 Frenchgirl calls some Dutch male models to hang out and drink with the girls. Yeah, cause this can't go poorly.
:24 Only Frenchgirl drinks. This is going to get bad.
:25 Now they are basically playing kissing games. Oh no. Now Frenchgirl is in a tub with a half-naked guy, except she's fully clothed. Saudi Arabia, her BFF, is worried.
:29 "If you were drunk off your ass, wouldn't you want somebody looking out for you?" Saudi asks. Been there- I was the DD throughout college. Including on my 21st birthday.
:32 The girls are on their photo shoot at a wind mill. Saudi Arabia is up first and oh now there's a breaking news update (a state official died, so it's understandable). Have you ever had a breaking news update that isn't so breaking? I'd love for the news to one day break into a show and say, "Just kidding. We're seeing if you're paying attention. Now, back to Gossip Girl."
:35 Blondboobs does poorly; she blames it on the clogs. I Blame It on the Rain (cue music).
:38 Last week, BritMcKey reminded me of Natasha Henstridge. This week, it's Robin from How I Met Your Mother. Thoughts?
:44 It's judging time. I predict Frenchgirl and Blondboobs in the bottom two, and Frenchgirl goes home.
:48 Saudi Arabia's jumping-in-air-while-holding-a-pitchfork photo is probably in the top 3 all season, I think. Although, every time I see a pitchfork, I think of burning witches, for some reason. I'm glad we don't burn witches anymore. We just put them on Maury Povich.
:55 Best picture goes to Saudi Arabia. I called it. BritMcKey is second... which means I nailed the bottom two (not sexually. Capricorn would hate that).
:57 Blondboobs is safe. Frenchgirl goes home. I'm way too good at predicting this stuff, but I feel bad for Frenchgirl, who did try to improve her nervousness. Of course, I'm not sure why you'd sign up for a modeling reality show when you have no self-confidence.
:59 Next week, it's the season finale! I could see any girl winning it. I'd also like to nominate myself for the title. Just in case.


SouthernBelle said...

Love it.

Saudi is adorable. I call her wining it. But mainly because I can't stand McKey. Even if she does have 9-foot-long legs. That side-mouth-talking thing drives me up the wall!

SouthernBelle said...

*winning it, not wining it. Wining it was apparently Frenchgirl's job. (Oh SNAP!)

Libby said...

wow thanks. now i have blame it on the rain stuck in my head. oh milli vanilli.

Lump said...

I would like to get Saudi Arabia drunk. She is too cute and sweet for her own good. I bet she's a tiger. ;)

scargosun said...

i love recaps! Yours are awesome!

stealthnerd said...

If I ever miss an episode, I'm coming straight here--these recaps are as entertaining as the Daily Intel's Gossip Girl plus/minus recaps!

Also, I'm totally pulling for Saudi Arabia to win.

bianca said...

I love your play-by-plays. Next week should be intense...I think they're setting up "i'm a boxer and can kick your ass" mckey for the win, though I'm kinda rooting for saudi arabia.

Miss Tiff said...

Your line "I'd also like to nominate myself for the title. Just in case."

Great. This is why I keep reading you blog. Well that and the fact you're paying me under the table. LOL.. Haven't seen any money lately...

BeckEye said...

I love Saudi too. She's a doll. I also like Blondboobs. I can't stand The Langolier. Sorry, I know that's not your nickname for McKey, but I like to nickname too. Oh, you just wait until American Idol starts.

I'm sad that I only caught half of this episode because I missed all the hot tubbing and kissing. But it couldn't have been as juicy as Shandi banging some model and then confessing to her bf, High-Pitched Eric, on the phone.

I'm also sad that I missed the first episode or two of this season. I never heard about Analeigh's Saudi sex slave story. That's good stuff.

siovhan said...

No breakdown will ever beat Shandi's. I was kind of hoping that something of that proportion would happen in Tuesday's episode...oh well.

And I think you'd make a great ANTM...my vote is for you.

shelly d. said...

I was watching the rerun of the episode (since it runs almost every two hours) and you really hit all the highlights!

And I would vote for you. Even if that meant I had make out with Nigel Barker.

Let me rephrase that - ESPECIALLY if I had to make out with Nigel Barker.

elle michelle said...

Do you write play-by-plays on ANTM just so you can watch it without feeling like you're CHOOSING to watch? "Naw, I can't come out tonight, man, I gotta stay in and watch this show for a blog. Um, just a show. A show with hot chicks. Okay, FINE, it's ANTM. But, seriously, it's just because my recaps are in such high demand."

And they are. Love it. :-)

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