Tuesday, December 2, 2008

To discuss a Photo Recap of fortunes, me liking girls and Madonna's butterface

I didn't plan on this. But the events of the past two days forced my hand. It's a Photo Recap.

Capricorn and I had Chinese for dinner on Sunday, after I made her pancakes for lunch. Nevermind that the restaurant is called Yummy Yummy, which sounds like what I imagine a four-year-old calls his Play-Doh menu. What really got our attention came after the meal, when we cracked open our fortunes in case the Chinese knew something the Bible didn't already cover. Mine is on top and makes no sense unless I'm poaching for furs. Hers is on bottom.

If I'm reading this correctly (and my elementary school report card proves I am literate), then her lucky SAT answers are ALL OF THEM. Is she supposed to just keep repeating that sequence again and again? Or is she just supposed to pick one of the letters and hope the College Board screwed up this year and forgot to change the order of the answers?
I got the ad below in the mail yesterday. I know that I've long had many gay-like tendencies- from reading Details to worrying about color coordination... basically everything except for having gay butt sex- but has it come to the point that the magazine companies are trying to get me out of the closet?
Is this subscription offer from "Out" basically saying, "Alright, dude. The gig's up. Our market research team has proven that you're a homosexual. Tell Capricorn it's over, and let's just get you into some slim-fit dress shirts and take you to a Broadway show and call it a day, OK? And while you're at it, read our magazine. Neil Patrick Harris talks about how he likes to stick his Doogie in other guy's Howsers."

Finally, a question. WHAT HAPPENED TO MADONNA'S FACE?!?! You know I'm concerned when I bust out the caps lock. I literally paused my Tivo and sat with my mouth agape (agape!) when I saw her on Britney's MTV documentary (of course I watched it. Don't hate). It looks like she lost a war with a puma, and for penance, agreed to assimilate into the feline species. She's one surgery away from turning into Donatella Versace. I wish the photo did it justice.

Put it this way. Britney Spears, who just a few years ago kissed Madonna on stage like two college co-eds being dared by drunk frat boys, now looks terrified to be around her mentor. Look at this screen shot. I'm no expert on body language-- if I was, I wouldn't have forced conversations in high school with girls scooting away from me. But Britney is visibly leaning back throughout their couch conversation. There's a visible V, and I'm not talking camel toe. Thoughts?


JenBun said...

I had Chinese food the other night and got TWO fortunes in one cookie!!

I know.

It's like all kinds of lucky.

The first one said, "Prepare today for the demands of tomorrow. Plan your move." And the second one read, "A cheerful message is on its way to you."

I kinda think I read them out of order.

The Rambler said...

Two things to share fortune cookie related...
1. My bff and I were eating and we broke open our fortunes. She looked confused and said her's said something lame like Panda's 100 years of service. I told her to flip it over....OOOOOOO, she says :)

2. I know we are hitting a recession but my fortune cookie didn't have a fortune...so it's really bad luck???

Amy xxoo said...

Lets not worry about Madonnas face - have you seen her arms lately ? Frankly, i think Brit is less scared by Madonnas face and more terrified she's going to reach out and take her in a man like grip....

No, not that kind of man like grip. Neil Patrick Harris might like it, but its not exactly everyones kind of thing.

Jest said...

I can give props to Madonna for her older music, but to be honest I just don't like her anymore. I don't blame Britney for being scared.
What odd fortunes in your fortune cookies. What kind of Chinese restaurant was this?
I'll have to refrain on commenting on the other recap in this post, because I just don't know you well enough yet.

Herding Cats said...

Madonna is terrifying. That is all I got.

Ben said...

And those magazines wonder why straight men are afraid of them. Meanwhile, they're quite confident in their own place as halfway to Gaytown.

SouthernBelle said...

Madonna IS terrifying. She could tear you limb from limb with those steel-cable yoga arms.

Also, the fun thing to do with fortune cookies is add: "...in bed" to the end of them. Take the one my friend got the other day: "There are many new opportunities that are being presented to you... IN BED!"


The Logarithmic Spiral said...

Your metrosexual habits aside, I find it amusing that one of your google ads on the bottom of your page says, "How To Flirt With Girls: Tips On How To Flirt With Any Woman Anywhere Without Rejection"


Liz said...

Madonna was cool back in the day, but now...she is just scarey.

Don't come out of the closet... Let me have my fantasy that I will revert young & have my blog crush.

My favorite Chinese fortune cookie saying is posted right on my computer monitor. "Anyone who dares to be, can never be weak." IN BED(per SouthernBelle...lol)

Áine Caitríona said...

1. I would keep repeating the sequence. Also, I'm still trying to figure out what the hell your fortune means. Is Capricorn's mom a MILF?

2. Yes. Clearly.

3. Dear Lord. It wouldn't be so scray if she didn't take herself so seriously. Why can't everyone age as gracefully as Besty Johnson?

wee-h said...

Yep, your google adds are well worth checking out... are you (or Lynx) selling vibrators now?

"The New Pocket-sized Lynx Bullet - Lynx Pulling Power wherever you are"

Metrosexual men are the way forward, just dont steal our heals, anything else is fine...

Heather said...

So, I've been slacking and haven't read your blog in TOO long. I need to add it to the ones I follow so I can do it effortlessly, and stalkerishly.
I didn't even know which post to comment on. They're all hilarious. You're like the gay friend I wish I had, except your straight. (I mean that in the best way possible.) Capricorn gets the best of both worlds. SO JEALOUS! :)

FunnyGal KAT said...

"Neil Patrick Harris talks about how he likes to stick his Doogie in other guy's Howsers." HA HA HA HA! And... HA! (Just when I thought you've come up with the best blog sentence ever, you go and top yourself!)

Like SouthernBelle, we always add "in bed" to the end of our fortunes (we've even taught the Pretend In-laws to do it). So it's especially funny that my last fortune was "Things are OK for you, but could be better" (in bed).

Far said...

OMG I was soo gonna do a post about madonna's warped face in that docu but you beat me too it :P
She looks SOOOO freakin weird like WHY?! and why has no one picked up on this yet?!!

Srg said...

If Madonna keeps up with the face alterations, she'll end up looking like Michael Jackson before too long.

bex said...

Is that teen heartthrob Jonathan Taylor Thomas sitting by Britney?!

Andy said...

Jen- Two in one? That is good luck.
Rambler- I didn't know reading a slip of paper could be confusing.
XXOO- She is ripped, isn't she?
Jest- I appreciate you holding back judgment, but, if it helps, I seriously do have a girlfriend. She's real.
Cats- She was terrifying in that Human Nature video. That is all I got.
Ben- I know, right? It's the express train to Makeoutwithadudeville (not that there's anything wrong with that).
Belle- I love how amused you are at that thought.
Spiral- Oh, you're just hilarious.
Liz- I promise to stay in the closet, so we can play 7 Minutes in Heaven.
Aine- 1. Great, now I'm wondering if it's about her mom. 2. Agreed. 3. No one ages gracefully anymore, except George Clooney and Bea Arthur.
Wee- I'm selling vibrators? Who knew?
Heather- Glad you're stalking me again.
KAT- (Bows)
Far- See, I'm not the only one who thinks that.
SRG- Excellent point. Maybe she'll go black.
Bex- Um, no. Actually, they never explain who that boy is.

Sam_I_am said...

I will need to Google images of Madonna. The plastic surgery messes are usually most evident when they speak. Like Pricilla Presley. Oh. My. God. She can barely move her face. It's horrible.

Srg said...

You were right! I love the new poll! Altough I did have a tough time answering. See, I need it to be multiple choice because...

I usually START decorating before Thanksgiving...
BUT usually can't FINISH decorating until the start of December...

Cause I'm a little OCD that way. And I have a lot of stuff to put up. I literally pack up the entire living room and dining room and replace all the everyday nick-nacks with Xmas stuff.

BUT I also still have some pumpkins rotting on the front step. I think we're down to only 1 though. Cause the darn squirrels have been eating them to get at the seeds.

So, yeah, I need multiple choice!!

Lump said...

you probably thought you were eating chicken too, huh?

Anonymous said...

Here's a question for you: Do Google ads on your page actually bring in any cash, or do they just make you feel pretty?

Andy said...

Sam- It's a national tragedy.
SRG- It sounds like you have issues.
Lump- No, I thought I was eating cats.
Haute- What do you think?

Marinka said...

I love your fortune! But another good way to catch a tiger cub is to set a trap. A little trick I learned.

*~Dani~* said...

My favorite Chinese "fortune" - a tub and a rub will do you good. I am sure.

Also, who wouldn't be scared of Madonna's face? She is truly looking like the crypt keeper. The fact that Britney is scared says a lot. You wouldn't think fear could be felt with all of those drugs.

Libby said...

ha!ha! when madonna came on screen my husband asked "who's that?"

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