To discuss another Lump in My Ars: 2009 Predictions

I hope everyone had a wonderful New Year's celebration... wait, what? You didn't? It was boring/depressing/anticlimactic? That's because New Year's is overrated. You don't see us holding a massive celebration when January becomes February, or when Thursday becomes Friday. Most New Years celebrations I've been to have ended with me kissing no one, feeling awkward and wondering if Dick Clark is going to make it much longer.

But that's all in the past. It's 2009. And it's time for the second half of the Lump in the ARS co-blog with the hilarious Katie. If you missed it, here's the first half with our resolutions. Now, it's our 2009 Predictions Sure to Come True, Unless They Don't.
(Katie will have her predictions on She's Lump)....

Andy's Predictions:

1. After Obama takes office, white Americans will grow gravely concerned about whether it's cool to call Barack "black" or if "African American" is the right term, fearful of offending minorities. Political pundits will go out of their way to avoid referencing Obama's race and come up with new P.C. terms: "Listen, Barack is doing a great job representing his people. Wait, by his people, I mean Americans, not uh, well, you know, the people that are, um, came across the ocean, um, you know, non-white... Uh, the night-colored community." The black community will laugh at us crazy crackers.

K: It is possible the black community already thinks white people are crazy crackers. Case in point: we had one crazy cracker named Bush in office for eight years. That should say enough. By the way, 19 days left of that crazy cracker.
ARS: So, you voted for McCain?
K: OK, now you are one Crazy Cracker.

2. The networks will cancel a show you like and justify it by low ratings, despite a fervent following. You'll point out that "According to Jim," Gary Unmarried" and "Ghost Whisperer" are still on the air despite all logic against them. Oh, and "E.R." will miraculously come back for another season after NBC's failed medical reality drama, "The Real Proctologists of Orange County," sucks ass. Literally.

K: I have to disagree about "The Real Proctologists of Orange County." I think that show would do very well. It would be like "Dr. 90210" except the Proctologist is googly-eyed over a piece of ass instead of boobs. Because I hate it when men are googly-eyed over my boobs.
ARS: At least men aren't Googling your boobs. That would be a whole 'nother issue.

3. Gas will go above $3 again because of (insert unreasonable, dumb reason here: Slowed production in the Gulf/Terrorists in the Middle East/OPEC restrictions/Wall Street brokers peeing themselves in fear). We will all complain about it.

K: Hell yes I will complain.
ARS: At least $4 gas helped moms realize they don't need to drive Hummers to pick up the kids.

4. A Hollywood megastar will die in some tragic accident, making the world weep and gnash its teeth. There will be tributes and celebrations of the actor's work in movies, as even their worst stuff becomes "great examples of acting" because the dude is dead now. Awards will be given posthumously, and books will be written. Exceptions: Keanu Reeves and Tara Reid.

K: If you're talking about Freddie Prinze Jr., then I'm coming to Pennsylvania (um, that's where you're from right?) and kicking your ass for that one.
ARS: No, I'm from Jersey *quickly hides PA driver's license and points to the right*

5. Jim and Pam will finally have their wedding on The Office, but Michael will screw it up when he tries to take over for the preacher. Jim will do that quirky mouth thing. Stanley will roll his eyes. Meredith will sleep with the preacher. Andy will serenade everyone with "Kiss the Girl" from The Little Mermaid. Dwight will tell Phyliss to lay off the cake. Sarah Palin will guest star as the preacher. "Do I now pronounce you man and wife? You betcha."

K: I'm probably going to get shot for this, but I don't watch The Office. However, I do find Steve Carell strangely attractive.
ARS: That's alright, because I don't watch Lost, 24, Mad Men, or most other buzzworthy shows. I prefer stuff that is likely to be canceled.
K: I've never even seen those shows either. See, I watch too much reality TV, man.

To discuss a Lump in My ARS co-blog: Our 2009 Resolutions We Promise to Break Any Day Now

I'll let you catch your breath while you recover from the colorful graphic. It's practically USA Today up in this mother.

On the eve of the New Year, I couldn't pass up the chance to list the resolutions I have absolutely no chance of completing successfully. But, rather than simply list my failures like I've done in the past, I joined forces Jedi-style with Katie of She's Lump to make this a more in-depth post. And by in-depth, I mean lots of perverted jokes and references to pop culture. We only make one or two references to child molesters, so I consider it a success.

Today is Part 1- My resolutions are here, and hers is posted on her site... It's more colorful language than usual- I promised Lump I'd curse. She promised not to emasculate me too much.
Tomorrow is Part 2- "2009 Predictions Sure to Come True, Unless They Don't."
Let's get this party started...

Andy's Resolutions:

1. I will keep my apartment neat and tidy so that Capricorn and I aren't forced to frequently stop mid-sentence, look around and say, "We really need to clean today." This should last for a good two to three months, until we become lazy and rationalize that at least it's better than a frat house and there's still a clear path to the bathroom.
K: I think you may need a "Just in Case you need an Excuse to Party" poster and a super soaker (see her resolutions). Dude, I will bring the beer.

2. I will keep up with exercising a few times a week to make my body look good while I'm still young enough to keep my body looking good without the need for crash dieting and Chuck Norris exercise equipment. If I fail at this, I'll limit my moping to no more than three pints of Ben and Jerry's. A night. For a week. I'll also stop trying to run faster and longer on the treadmill than the guy next to me, especially if he is from an African country that ends with a vowel.
K: Instead of running a marathon on the treadmill to keep your body looking good, you could always take Kung Fu like me. I mean, check out my last Kung Fu photo and blog post. One commenter said I look like a SEVEN YEAR OLD. Oh wait, having a seven year old body isn't really considered "looking good" is it? Unless you're Michael Jackson.
ARS: Or a Chinese gymnast.

3. I will not lose my motivation for my career in the fall like I do every year, leading to months of searching online for jobs that require no experience, little time and pay six figures so that I can pursue my interest in professional karaoke singing. Instead, I'll be satisfied with the well-established, successful career I already have, since I have yet to hear back from that Kenyan prince and his offer to have me manage his finances if I just make the first deposit of $5,000 in an offshore account.
K: You probably haven't heard back from this Kenyan Prince because you haven't deposited $5,000 yet. You ever think about that? Do you want to borrow some money? Well, tough shit.
ARS: Not even, say, 10 bucks? I'm so broke right now, I have to take doggie bags home from McDonalds. I'm one traumatic event away from blowing people in a back alley for a Twinkie and some quarters. It's the price you pay... for balloon animals.

4. I will try food I've never tasted, visit a city I've never heard of, watch a reality show I've never seen, and talk to a person I've never met. When that leads to me vomiting, getting lost, losing IQ points and getting abducted and featured on Dateline, I'll blog about it and pretend I intended for all that to happen for the greater good of comedy.
K: You know, that would be hilarious. Give me a shout out on Dateline, will ya?
ARS: Weren't you already on there? I thought I saw you in some dude's kitchen during that To Catch a Predator series.

5. I will not go to Banana Republic. I will not go to Banana Republic. I will not go to Banana Republic. (If I keep repeating it, I think it may come true... wait a second... if that's the case...) I will convince Natalie Portman and Capricorn to make out. I will convince Natalie Portman and Capricorn to make out....
K: OK, not going to Banana Republic is a piece of cake, Andy. I want to see you not spend any money on Banana Republic garb. And every night I will say a little prayer for you in hopes that will help Natalie Portman and Capricorn to get it on. Hey, what are friends for?
ARS: $10 loans. Now where's my money?
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Don't forget to come back tomorrow (after you take an Advil for that hangover) to read our "2009 Predictions Sure to Come True, Unless They Don't"

To discuss an awards show Kanye would be proud of:

Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Americans, and to you non-Americans, sorry we took over your land/slaughtered your people/fought against your country/think we're better than you at everything/steal all your good ideas and claim them as our own/lust over your women and David Beckham.

Anyway, I thought you should see what I was up to last week:
I got my Kanye West on.
For a skit I wrote for church about Kanye putting himself above, well, everybody else, I donned my shutter shades, pimp chain and cardigan. The script involved Kanye crashing an awards ceremony because he's upset he didn't win (like that would ever happen)...
Here's the rap I performed in front of frightened church-goers:
(To the tune of "Baby Got Back")
I like myself and I cannot lie
You other brothas can't deny
When West walks in with diamonds on his waist
And a mic up in your face
You back up.
Wanna call my bluff?
Cause you know that West's the stuff.
So ladies, ladies,
Wanna know why people love me?
Then turn around
Walk it out
Even George Dubya got to shout
Kanye got that.

Even Capricorn had to try on the shutter shades, except she makes them look good:


On to the important stuff. It's awards time again! She's Lump busted out an award on me, which, coming from her and her hilarious blog, is high praise indeed. I'm going to break the rules some with this "Your Blog is Fabulous!" award and give it to one blog I've long been a fan of, and one I recently discovered:
(drum roll, done to the syncopated beats of Kanye's "Love Lockdown," please)

The first award goes to Ben, of No Ordinary Rollercoaster.
I just can't deny it. After reading all sorts of great stuff on his blog- his dream dates are some of the funniest posts around) I knew I had team up with him one day. But, when we made it a three-day co-blog event, the results were magical thanks to his great humor. I only can hope that one day I have the talent and wit he has. And on top of that, he has a cute wiener.

The second award goes to someone who might be able to match me, episode by episode, at recalling Saved by the Bell, and who is able to amuse me simply by writing about bagels. How could such a person exist? She exists, alright. She's Stealthnerd from Strict Shenaniganist. Like me, she also has theories about America's Next Top Model. It's a good time had by all, if the "all" is blogland and the "good time" is belly laughs.
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A special awards shout-out to Funny Gals. Last time I gave out awards, I complimented you two ladies for being so supportive of each other that you cover for when the other person can't blog, but you were hoping for compliments on your writing style. Let this be my declaration that you put the Funny in Funny Gals, and, as I mentioned before, you're both kick me in the crotch fantastic.