To discuss a TV Play by Play of Bromance Episode 2: Attack of the Brones

I did one random TV Play by Play on Brody Jenner's search for a best friend, "Bromance," and you guys ate it up. How could I say no to another installment? For last week's episode, go here. For a breakdown of how this show goes, take your best guess and add more homoerotic thoughts to it, and there you go.

:03 Femi, a black guy, sets African Americans back about 50 years with this statement: "I don't even see the other guys at all. I'm like Sammy Davis Jr., dawg. I'm playing the piano and I don't see them." That would be a great metaphor if A) You meant Ray Charles or B) You meant Jamie Foxx's Oscar-winning performance of Ray Charles
:05 The guys compete in the Broathalon. Getting annoyed yet with the use of "bro" before every word on this sure? Well, you can shove it up your Bross. That's right. I said it.
:06 The guys compete in a Laz-E-Boy slalom event. Femi compares himself to a ferocious tiger with a giant roar. He then proceeds to wreck and scream like a giant pussy. Wrong feline, Femi.
:07 The first appearance by a girl this episode. I'll try to note this every time, because there's too much homoerotic stuff going on, so a girl helps ease the sexual tension.
:13 The next event is the blow-up doll raft and row competition, to see who can tie blow up dolls together with panties (yep), throw them in a pool and row to the other side. Femi announces he can't swim. That's OK, Femi. All these guys are itching to do mouth to mouth. This also marks the second time in two episodes the guys are half naked.
:15 The last competition in this meaningless Broathalon is a BMX bike jump event, which makes sense. When I meet new guys, I demand they ride a BMX bike off a sweet jump, Napoleon Dynamite style, to prove their worth. It's only fair. I also make sweet love to them.*
:16 Femi now declares he's "like a bald eagle," which means he's close to extinction or he shaved his vagina.
:18 Femi, who has more face time this episode than Brody, gets offended when the guys jokingly give him a dolphin figurine and say he's "like a dolphin" now. Don't be offended, Femi. Dolphins have sex for pleasure, perform neat tricks, and become best friends with Jonathan Brandis on SeaQuest DSV.
:24 In a continued effort to pass up all pretensions of this being anything other than a gay dating show, Brody has romantic fireside talks with each guy. Several of the guys cry. Brody opines who to give the rose to at the end.
:26 Gary apologizes to Femi after he threw him under the bus when talking to Brody. Femi, being a mature guy, flips out, describing Gary's action as "Femalish. That's a female trait." So, evidently, it's a female trait for a guy to confide in his male friend during a fireside chat about his anxiety over another guy. Ladies, take note.
:31 Chris P., who looks like Ace from Real World Paris, botches his FDR style chat by calling Lauren Conrad a ho, then spilling his drink on Brody. The dude is genuinely nervous, like he's on a first date. Chris, chill out. Brody isn't going to put out if you keep this up.
:40 Brody feels bad that Chris P. was nervous, so he invites him out for a night of drinking inside a freezer (yep) while wearing Russian fur hats (yep). Somehow, this plan fails. Chris P. gets sloppy drunk and ends up collapsing in the bathroom. Now Brody definitely isn't going to put out.
:46 Brody comes off as a level-headed, genuine, nice guy on this show. Why does he need a reality show for a best friend again? Well, other than the fact that his 15 minutes of fame ran out and his biggest claim to fame is being the stepbrother of a porn star?*
:50 The guys go out on a yacht for elimination time. Again, there are random girls hanging around. Where do these girls come from? Don't they have jobs? Can you get paid to be fake friends with a reality show star? How do I sign up for this if Bob Barker gets his own show-- I'd love to be a Barker's Beauty, as long as I don't have to sleep with him. The show could be called "Showcase Hodown," following Bob's exploits with the ladies. You'd watch this.
:55 More guys crying. You'd think the name of this show was "Bros Get Kicked in the Balls" or "Bros Watch Their Favorite Sports Team Lose" or "Andy Watches The Notebook."
:57 Chris P. is sent home. They make him paddle back to shore in a life raft. That's what you get for calling L.C. a ho, Chris P.
:59 Next time on Bromance: More crying, more of Femi being a diva, and Brody dressed as a Mexican. I'd expect nothing less.
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* Just kidding, Capricorn. I like girls, I promise. I've got the ex's to prove it.
** Being L.C.'s ex-boyfriend is not a claim of fame. That's a claim of shame. *Cowers while L.C. supporters sharpen their claws* And I did catch The City- anyone who wants to do a guest Play by Play on that any week is welcome. I can only take so much MTV drama.
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Later this week: The January edition of Things I Learned From Cosmo.