Tuesday, March 10, 2009

To discuss a Week(long) Update: Hospitals, Furloughs and I'm an idiot

Rather than a small, day-old Weekend Update, I need to recap what happened to me all of last week, if only so I can look back at this post five years from now and remember.

Monday: Find out our company is instituting five-day furloughs (forced, unpaid days off, like a temporary lay-off). Actually, we found out just before we left work Friday, so we'd have the weekend to freak out about it and be calm by Monday. That plan, just like in Office Space, doesn't work. We were still buzzing about it like furloughs are the new Watchmen.

Five unpaid days means I'll have to be even tighter on a budget that right now consists of me going: "I'd love to get the $5 footlong, as the advertising jingle makes the sandwich seem both irresistible and financially viable, but that's an extra $1.50 I shouldn't really spend. Six-inch, please." And that's with me being fully employed with no kids. Capricorn is still several years away from being my sugar momma, so I'll instead have to cut back for now. This means fewer Shamrock Shakes. I'm not sure how to break the news to McDonalds and their employees, who will likely need to be furloughed.

Spent a long, long night watching three hours of "The Bachelor," which was ABC's way of punishing Americans for their sins. They could've edited everything into 20 minutes of programming. At least it made for good play-by-plays.

Tuesday: For the second Tuesday in a row, I get a migraine headache, even though I never used to get a migraine.

It's an odd feeling, because I started out the day with a mild headache, the kind usually reserved for putting off sexual relations. By the end of the work day, my eyes had trouble focusing, all the lights seemed bright, my temples were pulsing and I felt feverish. Most people would pass this off as a case of the VH1's, but I don't drink like those people. I spent much of the evening napping... which creates problems when it's actually time to go to sleep. Fortunately, I had American Idol on Tivo and Shamwow infomercials to keep me company. Side note: Capricorn is buying a Shamwow for me. I want one. Badly.

Wednesday: I was tired but felt better. That is, until late in the afternoon when I got a call from my mom about my younger brother being taken to the emergency room for a collapsed lung. Considering he's a healthy, strong guy, this was crazy talk, but I brushed off the notion that my mom had suddenly lost her mind. That only happens to Britney. I left work early and spent the next several hours with my bro, who wasn't in life-or-death state but wasn't in great shape either. Or, better put, on a scale of one to death, he was a 6.

His co-workers and my sister came, too, as we're the closest family members by distance. This does beg the question, if you were admitted to the hospital with a severe condition, who do you think would be the first three people to arrive, and would you necessarily want it to be those three? Ponder this.

I left after everything got under control, and spent the next few hours doing the Top Model play-by-play, partly to calm down, partly for all of you.

Thursday: Work was incredibly busy, so much so that I couldn't leave early to go back to the hospital (about 30 minutes away). Eventually, I left and spent several more hours with my bro, who was under all kinds of pain medication that I'm sure high schoolers are using to get high these days. At this point, my bro had figured out when the hot nurses were on shift and tried to time the pain medication delivery for when they were around. He was sick, but not stupid. Also find out that tall, skinny males like him are prone to collapsed lungs, which makes me fear for NBA players, Conan O'Brien and Cameron Diaz.
Came back late and spent another long night on Top Model and The Office blogs.

Friday: Find out that instead of the 30 days to vacate notice I assumed was needed for my landlord (lease is up end of March), I actually was required to give 60 days, so I'll be paying double rent in April after I move. Considering this was purely me being an idiot, I'm thrilled with myself, as I haven't seen money that quickly wasted since Congress did... well, just about anything in the past three months.

By now, furlough has become the word de jour in the office, and we are using it as a verb, adjective, adverb and everything else: "Hey, is so-and-so out sick today?" "Nope, he was furloughing." "I ran out of tampons." "Just put your period on furlough." I also staged an emergency furlough drill in which I huddled under my desk and covered my head.

Went to the hospital, this time with Capricorn. My mom, aunt and cousin drove in from a few hours away as well. In my family, we get together for holidays, deaths and hospital visits. I think it's my turn to get gravely ill next time. It's how you keep a family strong. That, and gossiping.

Saturday: Capricorn's parents came to my town so she and I could show them the apartment we'll be living in together. The spare bedroom is being renamed the "Blog Room," which will kind of be my Fortress of Solitude, except I won't wear a cape yeah, I will when I'm there. The parents like the place, and take us out to dinner afterward. Free meal? Sign me up!

Sunday: Spent most of the day going, "Wow, why is it so late already?" before remembering Daylight Saving Time is over. Spent the other part of the day reading Cosmo (recap here) and Maxim (recap soon), and realizing how awesome my girlfriend is for being cool with me reading Cosmo and Maxim. And how confused she must be. Also, I put up a new poll asking for your advice.
My brother finally comes home from the hospital, now doing better. He also gave one of the hot nurses his number, despite the fact he spent several days hooked up to tubes with a bedpan nearby. I'm proud of him on multiple levels.

So... yeah, it's been a little off-the-wall. I'd ask for a do-over, but I'd rather reserve that for when things really get bad. Or when Kim Kardashian gets her own NBC sitcom.


Amy xxoo said...

Love the recap Andy - one hell of week you had there!

Also two stupid questions:
1. Whats a furlough and why should i lose sleep worrying about it ?
2. What in the blink is a Shamwow?

~Sheila~ said...

Hey Man,
Good to hear your brother is doing well.
So, that really sucks that your have to pay double rent because you didn't know about the 60 day notice...that's how they get you.

I want a shamwow too. Angel wants a Snuggie. I actually bookmarked the snuggie site.

What is a furlough??

Soda and Candy said...

Is it pronounced fur-loff or fur-low?

I bet you kind of hate your brother for getting off with Hot Nurse.

; )


Anonymous said...

I love my shamwow. and my Cosmo. now if I could just get my hands on a Snuggie...

Heather said...

Glad your brother is doing better!! Props to him for hitting on the nurse while his was hooked up to tubes.
And when do you sleep?? Between work and blogs and spending time with Capricorn... you have to be exhausted!

Andy said...

Amy- Sorry, I thought furlough was a more well-known term (I have now inserted a definition). It means forced, unpaid days off, like a temporary lay-off. And a Shamwow, dear girl, is an amazing, absorbing cloth that soaks up spills like magic!
Sheila- Snuggies look monk-like
Soda- I hate that my brother got off with Hot Nurse? That's a bit risque, don't you think?
Anonymous- Use all three at once. It'll be magical.
Heather- I actually do get a fair amount of sleep, and spend lots of time with Capricorn. I just maximize my downtime. And, I've been told I've a good multitasker.

Jess said...

You had a really, really crazy week. I don't know how to expand on that, but is it really necessary? You had a really, really crazy week.

Glad your brother is on the mend. That's nuts.

Diane said...

Awwww... sorry your week was less-than-stellar. It's going around. Glad your brother is OK, though!! Sending you happy thoughts (I'd send you a few bucks for Shamrock shakes but I've got a 9-year-old and she bleeds me dry every month... sorry).

Finger Talks said...

i'm glad your brother is better! Props to him for the digit slip! This does make me happy to be only 5ft though. All I have to worry about is being accidently stepped on.

Racquel Valencia said...

First three people? My bro, his GF and my BF.

First three people I'd prefer? Joey Ramone, Bill Cosby and Amy Winehouse. The latter would make me feel better simply by virtue of being worse off.

Hope this week goes better, dude.

LBluca77 said...

Wow what a week you had. Sorry to hear about your brother but glad he is ok.

bex said...

You look like Tony Curtis too!

Kellie said...

Glad your bro is okay and he can keep the game alive even while on the death bed. That is true talent. :)

p.huong said...

Got dinner for free last night. Thank goodness for free meals, especially in these times.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Thanks for the new terminology!!! I love it!
I have been on permanent furlough since August. Whoo hoo!!

Nick James said...

Just like the shamwow-your week had me saying wow---everytime! I hope your brain is okay--that must have been a draining period of time.

I really enjoy your blog, it is quickly becoming one of my favorites.

Anonymous said...

Only 5 furlough days? Bastard. I have to do 10. I officially hate you.

Andy said...

Thanks for all the kind words about my bro...
And you know it's a recession when another person is jealous you only have five unpaid days off and not 10. America: The greatest country in the world!

Soda and Candy said...

Oh dear, did my translation into American fail?

I was just joking that you might be a teensy bit jealous that your brother got "friendly" with a good-looking nurse... what did that come out as in your language?

Soda and Candy said...

Um I thought "got off with" meant like "making out", by the way.

I'm so sorry!

Andy said...

I loved your translation, Soda. Please keep up the good work. I hope nurses get my brother off all the time.

Lump said...

Dudem my shamwow soaks up dog piss like I've never seen! you will love yours. I heard it's good for other things too.

glad to hear your bro is better.

TishTash said...

It's sad that something so warm and fuzzy sounding like "Furlough" ("I'm cold. I'm wearing a furlough to bed") could bring such unhappiness.

Jenners said...

My brother works at a newspaper too and they have started with the furloughs as well. The way they sold it was to lay off a bunch of people first so the people who still had jobs wouldn't complain about their furloughs. Sneaky bastards.

And that sucks about your brother -- I hope he continues to do better and doesn't have it happen again. Didn't Maristka (or however you spell her name) Hartigay have a collapsed lung recently? Why that is relevant to your brother is beyond me but there it is.

spleeness said...

I don't know anyone else who could take a collapsed lung and a wasted month's rent and make me laugh.

If it makes you feel better, I once wasted $600 on a photo accident. (Talk about being pleased with oneself!) I had dropped a off CD at a photo place and flippantly exclaimed, "print everything!" without realizing that I, in a fit of complete idiocy, had multiple duplicate folders containing both cropped optimized web versions and the regular photos. I came by to pick up what I thought were 100 photos and was handed a box and an enormous bill. And of course this kind of thing only happens when money is ALREADY really tight.

Good times.

I'm glad your bro is better and can't wait to see pix of your blogging room though!

Emily said...

"furlough"?!?! what the fuck, yo?

even the word sounds LAME.

spleeness said...

ps. That doesn't sound like a migraine, it sounds like meningitis!

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