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Monday, March 9, 2009

To discuss What I Learned From Cosmo: April

Cosmo April edition: Ashley TisdaleI'd like to think that one month, Cosmopolitan will stop treating women like they are sex-crazy, boy-hungry, insecure, unintelligent people. But that month is not April. Here's what I learned from Cosmo's April edition; here's last month's review...
  • "Bachelor Search 2009..."If you know a single guy worthy enough to make the cut for our annual Bachelor issue, let us know about him!" I know a great guy, Cosmo editors! He's famous, has dreamy eyes and tan skin, is a great father and is looking for a long-term relationship. In the interest of full disclosure, he's also a two-faced liar who broke a woman's heart because of contractual obligations.
  • "82 percent of bachelors believe a hookup can turn into a real relationship." 18 percent of bachelors aren't as delusional.
  • Ashley Tisdale is this month's cover girl, a fact that even Ashley Tisdale can't quite explain. She dishes that even though she lives with her parents, she he has no problem getting intimate with her boyfriend. Well, that is until she dished to Cosmo that she's banging her boyfriend with the 'rents home. Say goodbye to nookie, Ashley's boyfriend.
  • Cosmo confessions: A girl who has a sore throat goes to the E.R., where she is attended to by a hot young doctor. But she's like, so totally embarrassed because the doctor asks her to "pull up my dress so he could feel my spleen. I had on the rattiest pair of full-bottom briefs." Which brings me to this thought: Doesn't it sound suspicsious that this doctor needed you to lift your dress to feel your spleen to help cure your sore throat? When you complain of an ear ache, does he ask you to remove your underwear?
  • Read between his lines- He says "She was too clingy." He means "I don't do well with commitment." Wrong again, Cosmo. He means, She was so clingy I had to text her to let her know when I had to use the bathroom.
  • Postsex Moves He'll Love... "Put on his shirt"... "Compliment him"... "Take off." Yes, Cosmo just advised women to leave after sex. Next month, there will be an article telling girls that guys don't like one-night stands, thus further confusing women who need an endless cycle of Cosmo advice. My advice: Stop letting strangers board your ho train.
  • Cosmo for Your Guy: Create a Sex Goddess by flattering her weak spots: A surefire way to piss a girl off, Capricorn says, is for a guy to talk about a girl's fat spots, because she'll know you're lying. See, even guys can learn from Cosmo!
  • Sexy Ways to Go Green: Eco-friendly tips include showering with your guy, using all-natural lubricants, and buying a vibrator with rechargeable batteries. So the Inconvenient Truth was actually about the need to recharge batteries before bedtime fun?
  • Celeb Look: Get perfect, glistening lips like Rihanna by using gloss. Also, by not dating Chris Brown.
  • My observation- Things women must really be excited about, judging by the models in ads: Tampons and birth control.
  • The Worst Advice We've Ever Printed: Do needlepoint while he watches...Invent a boyfriend and send yourself flowers... Hand kissing is no longer limited to gentlemen." No, seriously, Cosmo gave that advice in past issues. More recent bad advice: Anything in the Cosmo for Your Guy section.
  • What to Do When Your Guy's on the Small Side: Leave him. Just kidding. For the second month in a row, Cosmo reviews "Is he 'normal' down there." About five inches is normal, according to Cosmo, although 2-3 percent of guys have a penis less than three inches long than erect... which means my chiweenie dog is packing more heat than some adult men. Hey-ooo!... Cosmo says not to lie and say "Wow!" when teenie weenie drops his pants. I also advise not pointing, giggling or calling it "cute as a button."
  • Make him reveal how he feels- Don't ask "Do you love me?" Say "Mind if I drive your car?" The more he cares, the more he shares. Yeah, that makes sense. If he really loves you, he'll share his car, his clothes, his herpes and his emotional baggage. Enjoy, lovers!
  • "My guy's condom tends to slip off. Why?" He's in the 2-3 percent category.
Take a second to vote in my poll on your favorite Wild ARS Chase features, such as this one. And, for those that like the Cosmo reviews, then come back for a review of Maxim later this week... or you could stop by LBluca77 for her excellent own Cosmo review.

17 comments:

Nicole said...

I think the fact the woman went to the E.R with a sore throat suggests that she frequently errs on the side of overreacting...

hautepocket said...

My question is what the hell is going on with poor Tisdale's skin tone? Is "jaundice yellow" the new "it" color for Spring?

Jess said...

You know what's funny? Ever since you started doing this Cosmo re-cap, I've realized how dumb this magazine is and I haven't bought a single issue. Thanks for suffering for us, Andy!

Racquel Valencia said...

Who is Ashley Tisdale? Does she have a sex tape yet?

Soda and Candy said...

Either that girl on the cover has a giant bobble-head or Cosmo's Photoshop department has some splainin' to do.

Best Andy advice: "Stop letting strangers board your ho train."

FunnyGal KAT said...

Where would I be without your Cosmo learning experiences? Well, I would $5 less rich every month. Thanks for saving me from having to buy Cosmo! (Actually, I stopped buying it a few years ago after realizing that every.single.issue is the same "advice" over and over again).

cavy said...

the grocery store won't let me return the issue i bought and didn't need after reading this. go figure, haha.

p.s. you're tagged in my blog today!

Sam_I_am said...

I once got this phone call from a company who would put you and your bridesmaids up in a hotel and send over a man who had a teeny tiny little penis and the ladies were supposed to humiliate him. I'm sure that'd be hot.

LBluca77 said...

I think the cosmo people just sit around thinking what kind of crap they can put in the magazine that people will fall for.

Finger Talks said...

i've learned calling any part of a guy cute as a button seems to have negative effects. hmmm.

Diane said...

I ALMOST bought Cosmo yesterday. Glad I didn't.

OK, not really. I think I'm too old for it now. Or too smart. Or both.

I'll just keep reading your reviews. Thanks, darlin'.

~Sheila~ said...

Ok...the condom one...the last one...too funny.

Not exactly something I would like to admit to ANYONE!!

Kellie said...

Hahaha!!! I love your ending comment. :) Perfect!

Herding Cats said...

You are always welcome at my funeral! And Cosmo is totally degrading to women. I love your commentary on it because when I do manage to flip through one - I get pissed. Stupid magazine!

Little Ms Blogger said...

Seriously "do needlepoint while he watches?"

Next month they might advise watching water drip from the sink for an intimate and economically ‘night-in’. Oh wait, that suggestion would conflict with their eco-friendly advice.

I can't wait for the Maxim review.

Nick James said...

Nicely done. I don't care too much about Cosmo's content, but I like your style!

Geiger Girl said...

Can't wait for the Maxim review! As always, you crack me up! Kinda bad when I have to look over my shoulder at work to see who heard me giggling when I read your blogs.

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