- "Bachelor Search 2009..."If you know a single guy worthy enough to make the cut for our annual Bachelor issue, let us know about him!" I know a great guy, Cosmo editors! He's famous, has dreamy eyes and tan skin, is a great father and is looking for a long-term relationship. In the interest of full disclosure, he's also a two-faced liar who broke a woman's heart because of contractual obligations.
- "82 percent of bachelors believe a hookup can turn into a real relationship." 18 percent of bachelors aren't as delusional.
- Ashley Tisdale is this month's cover girl, a fact that even Ashley Tisdale can't quite explain. She dishes that even though she lives with her parents, she he has no problem getting intimate with her boyfriend. Well, that is until she dished to Cosmo that she's banging her boyfriend with the 'rents home. Say goodbye to nookie, Ashley's boyfriend.
- Cosmo confessions: A girl who has a sore throat goes to the E.R., where she is attended to by a hot young doctor. But she's like, so totally embarrassed because the doctor asks her to "pull up my dress so he could feel my spleen. I had on the rattiest pair of full-bottom briefs." Which brings me to this thought: Doesn't it sound suspicsious that this doctor needed you to lift your dress to feel your spleen to help cure your sore throat? When you complain of an ear ache, does he ask you to remove your underwear?
- Read between his lines- He says "She was too clingy." He means "I don't do well with commitment." Wrong again, Cosmo. He means, She was so clingy I had to text her to let her know when I had to use the bathroom.
- Postsex Moves He'll Love... "Put on his shirt"... "Compliment him"... "Take off." Yes, Cosmo just advised women to leave after sex. Next month, there will be an article telling girls that guys don't like one-night stands, thus further confusing women who need an endless cycle of Cosmo advice. My advice: Stop letting strangers board your ho train.
- Cosmo for Your Guy: Create a Sex Goddess by flattering her weak spots: A surefire way to piss a girl off, Capricorn says, is for a guy to talk about a girl's fat spots, because she'll know you're lying. See, even guys can learn from Cosmo!
- Sexy Ways to Go Green: Eco-friendly tips include showering with your guy, using all-natural lubricants, and buying a vibrator with rechargeable batteries. So the Inconvenient Truth was actually about the need to recharge batteries before bedtime fun?
- Celeb Look: Get perfect, glistening lips like Rihanna by using gloss. Also, by not dating Chris Brown.
- My observation- Things women must really be excited about, judging by the models in ads: Tampons and birth control.
- The Worst Advice We've Ever Printed: Do needlepoint while he watches...Invent a boyfriend and send yourself flowers... Hand kissing is no longer limited to gentlemen." No, seriously, Cosmo gave that advice in past issues. More recent bad advice: Anything in the Cosmo for Your Guy section.
- What to Do When Your Guy's on the Small Side: Leave him. Just kidding. For the second month in a row, Cosmo reviews "Is he 'normal' down there." About five inches is normal, according to Cosmo, although 2-3 percent of guys have a penis less than three inches long than erect... which means my chiweenie dog is packing more heat than some adult men. Hey-ooo!... Cosmo says not to lie and say "Wow!" when teenie weenie drops his pants. I also advise not pointing, giggling or calling it "cute as a button."
- Make him reveal how he feels- Don't ask "Do you love me?" Say "Mind if I drive your car?" The more he cares, the more he shares. Yeah, that makes sense. If he really loves you, he'll share his car, his clothes, his herpes and his emotional baggage. Enjoy, lovers!
- "My guy's condom tends to slip off. Why?" He's in the 2-3 percent category.
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