To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Top Models in teenie bikinis

There was no TV Play-by-Play last week for Top Model, since I was out of town. But maybe that's just as well, because Natalie (TBA), who was eliminated, canceled her interview with me for Real Blogger. That hurt my feelings, Natalie. I was going to profess my reality show love for you, and instead, you canceled because you're bitter about the show. Oh well. Here's Episode 9's TV Play-by-Play, with a nickname reminder:

Aminat- The Hair… Fo- Fomula… Allison- Dracula… Celia- Model T… Teyona- Cruise

Eliminated: Carpe Diem (Ep. 1), Sea Cow (Ep. 2), Cucamonga (Ep. 3), Cheesecake (Ep. 4) Marathon (Ep. 5) Earl Grey (Ep. 6) London the Baptist (Ep. 7) TBA (Ep. 8)

:01 Last week, the photo shoot involved the girls wearing fruit on their head, like Carmen Miranda, the inspiration for the Chiquita Banana girl. I think Top Model is running out of ideas. Next, they'll have girls spray painted green to pose like the Green Giant. Ho, ho, ho!

:02 I'm already missing Natalie, who was the only girl left that I thought was a smoking hottie. Don't try to convince me Cruise, with her piranha smile, or Dracula, with her wig-like hair, are smoking hotties... I'll already be trying to convince myself, as I feel better about watching the show when at least I think the girls are hot.

:04 Fomula's kinda hot.

:04 and 2 Seconds Well, maybe not.

:04 and 4 Seconds Yeah, she's situationally hot. Don't know what situationally hot is about? Say you're in a room/event/workplace/bar/prisoner of war camp. There are members of the opposite sex there (or same sex, whatever. This isn't a Prop 8 blog). Now, in a perfect world, none of them are that hot. But, hey, you've got to deal with what you've got, so in that situation, maybe a couple of them are hot. In the last five Top Models, Fo, who normally wouldn't catch my eye, is now situationally hot. Go ahead, try it with your friends. Try it at church.

:06 It's Go-Sees day, when the models run around town, meeting with potential employers. Every year, at least one model doesn't make it back to the meeting point on time. I'm sure this year will be no exception. My favorite was when Heather just stood in the middle of Beijing, turning in circles, not going anywhere because she was so lost.

:10 I think Jordana Brewster from Fast & Furious is one of the designers! No, my mistake. It's Cris Barros. Crap. I was hoping Vin Diesel would pull up to the curb and offer a model a ride to the next designer in under 10 seconds.

:12 I slipped up talking with Capricorn about this show, and started confusing talking about Top Model contestants being on American Idol (which is when you know you have a reality show problem). That got me thinking: Which American Idol finalist, of any season, would have made a good Top Model? I have to think Katherine McPhee.

:19 Dracula's runway walk for the designers looks like she has to pee. Is that a technique?

:22 Hey, I called it. Model T and Fomula are late. Don't they watch past seasons? Don't they read my Play-by-Plays?

:24 Cruise, The Hair and Dracula all get a helicopter ride over Sao Paolo, Brazil, for being on time. Cruise wins the challenge. Also, this is the first time I've noticed The Hair is 8 feet tall.

:26 One of the models who got kicked off told me Fomula cries all the time. Well, she was right. Fomula has cried this entire episode.

:32 Photoshoot time, with judge Nigel Barker doing the shooting. The models are at the beach, wearing the tiniest bikinis this side of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. They are so small, there is a blur over their booties. TBA, why did you leave me the show?

:33 Fomula's strategy must be: Let's look like all my limbs are broken.

:35 I'm pretty sure I just got Dracula pregnant, judging by the fact her bikini bottom is smaller than a napkin.

:37 Model T does so poorly, Nigel is forced to reverse roles and show her how to pose. That would be like all of you jumping over to my living room and showing me how to write, and that ... that would never happen... heh... um... right?

:50 Judging time. They love Dracula and Cruise (who gets top photo), and they hate The Hair, Fomula and Model T. I didn't like any of them: It's a swimsuit shoot, and I've been more turned on looking at the lingerie section of a JC Penney catalog.

:56 Model T and Fomula are in the bottom two... and Fomula gets sent home, partially because judges think she's too short (she's 5'8"). Every week, they send a girl home after finding a flaw they otherwise had gone unnoticed or unsaid: TBA only had a "sexy look," London the Baptist "got fat." Next week, Model T will get kicked off "for kinda looking like Gollum from Lord of the Rings in certain light."

I'll be talking with Fomula this afternoon for Real Blogger. Check over there in the next few days to see the interview.