To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Top Model Hates People Who Eat

I didn't get to do a TV Play-by-Play of "America's Next Top Model" last week, and I'm sure many of you have cried yourself to sleep in recent days because of that. No? Well, you moaned about it. Not that either? You noticed it, though, eh? Um... Well, here it is, people. Episode 7's TV Play-by-Play, with a nickname reminder:

Aminat- The Hair… Fo- Fomula… Allison- Dracula… Tahlia-Earl Grey… Celia- Model T… London- London the Baptist… Teyona- Cruise…Natalie- TBA …

Eliminated: Carpe Diem (Ep. 1), Sea Cow (Ep. 2), Cucamonga (Ep. 3), Cheesecake (Ep. 4) Marathon (Ep. 5) Earl Grey (Ep. 6)

:01 If that new Zac Efron movie "17 Again" doesn't have a big opening weekend, it's not for lack of trying. I just saw another commercial for it, after I saw Zac on American Idol, after I saw Zac on The View, after I saw Zac on Saturday Night Live, after I saw Zac in my drea... I mean.

:04 Dracula, in the bottom two last week, says she doesn't know how to change her facial expression to avoid the deer-caught-in-headlights look. Model T says she thinks of sex. Judging by Model T's photos, she's a virgin.

:06 Finally, finally, London the Baptist talks about her streetwalking preaching experiences. She hasn't mentioned it on the show since the premiere. But she tells Model T that God speaks through her when she preaches, and she thinks God put her on the show. I think if God was putting someone on a reality show, it wouldn't be Top Model. It would be "17 and Counting," where they go to the Creationist museum and make homemade soap to support their baby-factory lifestyle.

:07 The challenge this week is for the girls to be the creative director for another girl, for a Seventeen magazine photo shoot. Jay Manuel, the creative director whose skin is taking on all different shades of orange these days, tells the girls he's looking for an urban, street look for South Pole's clothing line. I think the girls took this too literally. Some of them made their model's make-up and clothes look like they're going to charge $50 an hour and leave out the back door.

:09 Dracula's hair (in plaid shirt) looks horrible. There. I said it. She looks like the poor version of Goldie Hawn.

:11 London the Baptist reveals she's gained 10-15 pounds since the show started, and she's uncomfortable in the clothes Fomula assigned to her. Gaining weight on Top Model is a kiss of death. You'd be better of choosing the governor of Alaska as your running mate than you'd be announcing you've gained weight on Top Model.

:20 Model T directed the best photo, with Fomula as the model, but Cruise wins the challenge. Cruise invites Model T and The Hair with her for a special Seventeen magazine photo spread. Seventeen is such a misleading magazine name, since it's mostly tweens who read it. Of course, Details is a misleading name for a men's magazine. They should call it "Sexually Dubious But Leaning on the Straight Side" magazine. I'm a subscriber, by the way.

:23 You know how some women wake up beautiful, and some women have to do a lot of work to look beautiful? Well, Jay Manuel surprises the girls at the house in the early morning, and let's just say there are some models who might scare small children.

:24 R&B artist Ciara is the special guest this week. "Oh, you have a new album coming out, right?" Jay bluntly asks. No, Jay, she just wanted to stop by for fun.

:26 The photo shoot is for the models to pose with Ciara as her superfan. Ciara, a poor man's Aaliyah and a homeless man's Beyonce, looks happy just to be working.

:29 London the Baptist is freaked about wearing a revealing outfit after she gained so much weight. Did she expect there was going to be a sweatpants and old t-shirt photo shoot for Ben & Jerry's?

:31 I'm all about people having faith, but when someone starts asking for Jesus to help them do something like, say, pose in a "Top Model" photo shoot with Ciara while wrapped in microphone cable and wearing a latex swimsuit only fashionable on The Matrix, I have to say you're stretching the New Testament too far, London.

:32 Still, though, I felt bad watching Jay approach London the Baptist after the photo shoot and ask her what happened to her body. Only in modeling are people expected to never gain weight. This is why I'm a writer. I ate three Cadbury eggs this week.

:33 On the opposite end of the spectrum, Cruise, who has a great photo shoot, is so thin that her collarbone sticks out like a chest limb. Surely there's a happy medium for models, right? Like, say, Ciara, who looks like she enjoys a good meal but also knows where a treadmill is located. A woman's body. Let's promote that as beauty, America.

:34 Hold on a second, I'm getting down from my ivory tower.

:35 OK, I'm back. Phew. Judging people takes it out of me.

:43 Model judging time and... what's going on? A dude speaking a foreign language and wearing a Speedo walks up to Tyra with a bowl full of nuts. Then, Tyra says, "You want me to go to your country?... What is this? A gift from your country?" Tyra tries a nut, and says, and I quote, "It's a big-ass peanut." Except, she says it faster than that. And I almost choked on my drink.

:44 Tyra then announces, "It's a Brazilian nut!" The girls are going to Brazil, this year's exotic locale. Dang. I was hoping it was the Mr. Peanut factory.

:47 London the Baptist hears Tyra tell her she does a great job smiling with her eyes naturally. That's the good news. She also gets flat-out asked by Miss Jay, "What are you eating?" That's the bad news.

:52 Cruise has the best photo of the week-- this has been her best week on Top Model so far-- and London the Baptist and The Hair are in the bottom two.

:58 London the Baptist is going home. This is the first time the judges have really had anything negative to say about her, and it's the first time it's been revealed that she's gained weight. Hmm. At least modeling isn't all about looks. It's about personality. Right?