Did you know you can have good clean fun with just $5 to your name? It's true. First, you barter with the hooker to...
Oh, "good clean fun." Gotcha.
I spent the weekend with Capricorn*, as always. And, as always, we found a new way to enjoy our time together without spending a lot... here are the highlights, including a rare video appearance by Ms. Capricorn herself.
What I heard:
- Capricorn's dad, to me, in a serious tone: "Andy, there's something I need to ask you about." Me: (Ghost white face, remembering alibis and exits) Capricorn's dad: (Pause) Me: (Sweet Satan's groin, is it hot in here?) Capridad: "... do you know anything about pouring concrete? I've got a project." Me: "Uhhh.... no?" Capridad, to Capricorn: "Did you see the look on his face?"
- Yes, I sent my mother a card for Mother's Day, as well as some photos. One of them was a snapshot taken from this video. I also gave her a call. As an adult, I've learned Mother's Day consists of your mother telling you about which child has called so far and what those children are up to right now. And what the neighbors are doing in their backyards. And what they are eating for dinner. Without you there.
- "The Sound of Music" was on TV on Sunday night, so, considering I'm in the show this summer, I watched it. It was midway through when I told Capricorn that if I ever have precocious kids like those von Trapps, I want her to shoot me.
- My brother moved this past weekend across town. In my family, at least one of us, including my brother and sister, move every six months. We are to moving what the von Trapps are to singing, except when I move, I don't want to have Capricorn shoot me.
- While cleaning my brother's old place, I recommended he set his toilet on fire. It was the fastest, most effective cleaning solution. It also may very well be the elimination of the swine flu source.
- Next we went to my brother's new place. He's doing a nice job renovating the house, but has yet to do anything with the root cellar beneath the front porch. That's fine, as the carpeted walls and musty smell will make it a prime place to gut his dates while singing creepy children's songs. Or at least I assume that's the room's purpose.
- My brother is in the agricultural sales business, and now lives beside his tractor dealership. They own a golf cart, which my brother used to make dumpster runs across the parking lot. Capricorn had never driven a golf cart before. Given the opportunity, she could barely contain herself. Then, upon tapping the gas pedal, she immediately declared the golf cart was destined to roll over and kill everyone and their first born. Soon, though, she became the Ricky Bobby of golf cart driving. I was so proud.
- My brother, sensing Capricorn's zealous ambition at driving new things, offered Capricorn the chance to drive a late-model tractor. You'll notice the experience resembles a dad teaching his daughter how to ride a bicycle with training wheels. You haven't ever really loved a woman** until you've seen her drive a tractor. So, yes, Capricorn, I think your tractor is sexy, even if I know next to nothing about them (compared to my brother. He's available, ladies!)
Here's the crude, video evidence....
Do you have any tractor-riding experiences to share?
* Some of you were under the impression Capricorn already moved in... no, that hasn't happened yet, just part of the upcoming plan. (Capricorn, for newcomers, is my girlfriend. Read about our first date here.)
** Don't listen to Bryan Adams. You don't need to see your unborn children in their eyes to really love a woman. I don't fall in love over an eye fetus.
In case you missed it, I had a guest post over at Jenners' site yesterday (Thanks, Jenners; your loyal readers helped get me over the 100 Google followers mark. I will dance in celebration. By myself.) And, if you haven't yet, vote in the social media poll...