Tuesday, May 12, 2009

To discuss the farmer in the blog and the Capricorn on the tractor

Hump day, schlump day. Let's get in weekend mode with a late-but-fun Weekend Update...

Did you know you can have good clean fun with just $5 to your name? It's true. First, you barter with the hooker to...

Oh, "good clean fun." Gotcha.

I spent the weekend with Capricorn*, as always. And, as always, we found a new way to enjoy our time together without spending a lot... here are the highlights, including a rare video appearance by Ms. Capricorn herself.

What I heard:
  • Capricorn's dad, to me, in a serious tone: "Andy, there's something I need to ask you about." Me: (Ghost white face, remembering alibis and exits) Capricorn's dad: (Pause) Me: (Sweet Satan's groin, is it hot in here?) Capridad: "... do you know anything about pouring concrete? I've got a project." Me: "Uhhh.... no?" Capridad, to Capricorn: "Did you see the look on his face?"
  • Yes, I sent my mother a card for Mother's Day, as well as some photos. One of them was a snapshot taken from this video. I also gave her a call. As an adult, I've learned Mother's Day consists of your mother telling you about which child has called so far and what those children are up to right now. And what the neighbors are doing in their backyards. And what they are eating for dinner. Without you there.
  • "The Sound of Music" was on TV on Sunday night, so, considering I'm in the show this summer, I watched it. It was midway through when I told Capricorn that if I ever have precocious kids like those von Trapps, I want her to shoot me.
What I saw:
  • My brother moved this past weekend across town. In my family, at least one of us, including my brother and sister, move every six months. We are to moving what the von Trapps are to singing, except when I move, I don't want to have Capricorn shoot me.
  • While cleaning my brother's old place, I recommended he set his toilet on fire. It was the fastest, most effective cleaning solution. It also may very well be the elimination of the swine flu source.
  • Next we went to my brother's new place. He's doing a nice job renovating the house, but has yet to do anything with the root cellar beneath the front porch. That's fine, as the carpeted walls and musty smell will make it a prime place to gut his dates while singing creepy children's songs. Or at least I assume that's the room's purpose.
  • My brother is in the agricultural sales business, and now lives beside his tractor dealership. They own a golf cart, which my brother used to make dumpster runs across the parking lot. Capricorn had never driven a golf cart before. Given the opportunity, she could barely contain herself. Then, upon tapping the gas pedal, she immediately declared the golf cart was destined to roll over and kill everyone and their first born. Soon, though, she became the Ricky Bobby of golf cart driving. I was so proud.
  • My brother, sensing Capricorn's zealous ambition at driving new things, offered Capricorn the chance to drive a late-model tractor. You'll notice the experience resembles a dad teaching his daughter how to ride a bicycle with training wheels. You haven't ever really loved a woman** until you've seen her drive a tractor. So, yes, Capricorn, I think your tractor is sexy, even if I know next to nothing about them (compared to my brother. He's available, ladies!)

Here's the crude, video evidence....

Do you have any tractor-riding experiences to share?
* Some of you were under the impression Capricorn already moved in... no, that hasn't happened yet, just part of the upcoming plan. (Capricorn, for newcomers, is my girlfriend. Read about our first date here.)
** Don't listen to Bryan Adams. You don't need to see your unborn children in their eyes to really love a woman. I don't fall in love over an eye fetus.
In case you missed it, I had a guest post over at Jenners' site yesterday (Thanks, Jenners; your loyal readers helped get me over the 100 Google followers mark. I will dance in celebration. By myself.) And, if you haven't yet, vote in the social media poll...


~Sheila~ said...

LOL, Nice video of Capricorn. How did she feel being in motion on you blog? I would feel like a farmer riding a tractor too!

kate said...

LOL. Definitely great.

And is it creepy that I totally saw the Sound of Music and wondered if you were watching it in preparation?

I'm thinking yeah..

Amy xxoo said...

" She thinks my tractor's seeexyyy, it really turns her oooon! ".

That song ( by Kenny Chesney, or The Gay Cowboy as i like to call him ) is my boyfriends ring tone. I dont have any tractor stories, but i bet he sure does!

gracie-mel said...

"sweet Satan's groin"?????

I've never been so proud to call you my bro

gracie-mel said...

in related news, everyone head over to the Failblog.org, and see geriatric Andy Shaw FAIL in royal splendor!!!!


Sophia said...

I watched The Sound of Music on Sunday too, and just today got those songs out of my head. They are fantastic songs, but man, you are going to have them in your head for a whole year if you are IN that show!

Heather said...

My boyfriend is definitely a farm boy, but he doesn't let me drive the tractor.. he's seen me nearly take my leg off on a four wheeler, though - so I guess his reasoning is pretty sound.

Scandalous Housewife said...

I used to ride on my Grampa's lap on his tractor at the cattle ranch. I drove it one time and ran into the pond, so, there, happy?

Kellie said...

I haven't ever driven a tractor but golf carts are my forte. One of my friends in high school had one b/c they lived on a large plot of land and they had taken the speed regulator off of it and it FLEW! We would race that thing around everywhere. And one time while we were on it my sister got shit on by a bird. Ah the memories...

Soda and Candy said...

Euuuwwww, now I have a mental image of eye fetuses.

It's very upsetting.

Children of the Nineties said...

Sweet Satan's groin! Congrats on the followers, I knew you'd make it. I wish I had some celebratory tractor driving memories to share.

I know a blended family with 8 kids and I'm forever irritating them by referring them as the Von Trapps. Honorable mention for annoyingness for my referring to their 12-passenger van as the VonTrappmobile.

Nyxmyst said...

eye fetus? *dies giggling*

alexis said...

I'd like to learn how to set a toilet on fire, can you make a video of that please?

I said please.

I'm being serious.

Andy said...

Sheila: She loves that video. I think she's adorable in it, so what's not to like about showing others?
Kate: Not creepy. Awesome.
Amy: My brother loves that song too. My brother is cool. Your boyfriend loves that song. Therefore, your boyfriend is cool. Simple math.
Sister of mine: Everyone is linking to that video... I actually made that guy one of my Andy Shaws of the month.... and I'm glad I made you proud.
Sophia: Do, a deer, a female deer, Re, a drop of golden sun...
Heather: I'd stay away, if I were you.
Housewife: How in the world did you do that?
Kellie: Your life gets more and more amusing the more I read about you. Please come visit.
Soda: Fetuses... or is it feti? Oh well, it's a funny word.
Nineties: One day, Children, you will. There's still time.
Nyxmyst: Crap. I killed a reader.
Alexis: As long as we play "We Didn't Start the Fire" in the background.

Sam_I_am said...

I grew up in Fayette County, so tractors are common things to me... so are cows as pets and cow patty bingo

Anonymous said...

My cable guide listed the Sound of Music the other day and I thought of you. Is that creepy?

Thanks for clarifying the Capricorn moving situation. How did you get such a cute girlfriend, again? KIDDING. How does she feel about the fact that you've basically made her a celebrity?

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