To discuss a Maxim review: May

To balance out the Cosmo reviews, I started doing Maxim magazine reviews. Maxim is unabashed when it comes to near-naked women. It comes right out and shows it, an emerging trend in magazines overall. Next thing you know, "Field & Stream" will have a full page spread of naked people getting their buck on.
Here's the May 2009 review. There's links to some of the sexytime photos so I could make this post relatively safe for work. Also, please read a Bible afterward:

• "Fighting" movie star Zulay Henao, who is wearing a bra, panties and four-inch stilettos (the five-inchers would have made her look whore-y) reveals her first kiss was with a guy named Sergio, when they were playing house together as kids. Her mom got mad, "and I was done seeing Sergio." Yeah, and now Sergio is holding your two-page spread with one hand and slowly reaching for a pistol with the other.
• Stop a Chimp from Eating Your Face: Protect your 'nads. An angry chimp may end up castrating a male." As if I don't have enough to worry about, now I have to look out for runaway Chewbacca going ape s*** on my banana bunch. (Any other ape jokes can be inserted here)
• Ask Maxim: Q: Why is my girlfriend so clingy? A: She has separation anxiety. Or maybe because Cosmo is telling her that she needs to check up on her man constantly so he doesn't forget about her.
  
• A feature on "Sit Down, Shut Up," a new animated show on Fox that premiered in April... and has been canceled by the time I did this review.
• Multiple pages on hybrid cars, waterproof watches and mountain bikes...This section could also be called: "See, we're more in depth than just Jennifer Love Hewitt's cleavage. But, if you like that, she's on page 58"
• Stuff for Her: Surprise her with a scooter. 1) The chick on the scooter is wearing a one-piece, side-cut out leotard with no bra... because that's what you'd wear to ride a scooter 2) Buy her a scooter. Go ahead. Tell me how that works out for you.
• Maxim staffers try to recreate famous movie sex scenes, like from "Ghost" and "Risky Business" and "Titantic." The Titanic guy says it's too difficult to draw your lady, nude, then convince her to go to your car and have sex in the backseat. I'd be much more worried about the fact that a few hours after sex, you have to wade in the freezing ocean, while she comfortably floats on a door.
• Did you know Jennifer Love Hewitt is "our generation's hottest starlet"? Maxim does. And here, I thought it was Scarlett Johannson, Jessica Alba or Topanga from "Boy Meets World" (dudes know what I'm tokkin 'bout!)
• Did you know the "Ghost Whisperer" is a ratings juggarnaut? How did that happen?
• Did you know JenLove just turned 30? That makes her a puma!
• "105 Greatest Geek Flicks of All Time!" Anything to make them feel they've got a shot with Megan Fox, the magazine's hottest sci-fi chick (oh, you totally do, dude. She thinks your Transformer action figure collection is h-o-t.) Transformers, evidently, counts as sci-fi. I can think of lots of other things to call that movie.
• Take a look at this photo of "Star Trek" director J.J. Abrams, then finish this sentence: "J.J., what is that veiny, thick, long _____ you're holding?"*
• An interview/photo spread with "Fast & Furious" star Jordana Brewster. I'd tell you more about what she said, but I was too busy staring at her thighs... and wondering if I should make her a cheeseburger or some cookies or something. At this rate, next year she'll be in a commercial, with an old white dude telling me I can sponsor her for just 10 cents a day.
  

* Correct answer: Tentacle. I'd also except penis.