Thursday, May 7, 2009

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Top Model is for the birds

We're down to the final four on "America's Next Top Model." Unlike "American Idol," there's no Slash to serve as a guest mentor, even though that would be excellent. Still, the girls get to go into the jungle and act like birds. Considering they already eat like birds, I think it will be an easy transition. Here's the Play-by-Play of Episode 10, with a nickname reminder:

Aminat- The Hair… Allison- Dracula… Celia- Model T… Teyona- Cruise

Eliminated: Carpe Diem (Ep. 1), Sea Cow (Ep. 2), Cucamonga (Ep. 3), Cheesecake (Ep. 4) Marathon (Ep. 5) Earl Grey (Ep. 6) London the Baptist (Ep. 7) TBA (Ep. 8) Fomula (Ep. 9)

:04 Cruise is pumped her swimsuit photo earned top honors least week. "The girls are looking extra juicy!" she says, pointing at her cleavage in the photo. Extra juicy? Are we talking steaks, or Sunny D?

:06 There are two black girls and two blond, white girls left in the house. Way to get some diversity in the final four, judges. Again, I say, why did you kick off Fomula?

:08 The producers are beating down Model T because of her age in this episode (Top Model: Find a flaw, expose a flaw). Like she can do anything about her age at this point. She's not a Real Housewife, you know.

:11 For the challenge, the girls have to salsa. Cruise dances like she's a drug mule skirting past airport security.

:16 I've seen more convincing dance performances watching middle school musicals. I've seen more salsa on Tostitos. I've seen... yeah, they aren't good dancers. The good dancers are on "So You Think You Can Dance," premiering this month on Fox! (Cue Andy giggling)

:17 Model T had to write "Relax" on her wrist to remember to relax. Too bad she didn't write "Don't be so old" on her wrist, as that's what the judges really want.

:20 It works. Model T wins the challenge, and takes Dracula to get $7,000 worth of jewelry. I had originally offered Top Model to give away my $4,500 Honda Accord with 120,000 miles on it, but they said the CW wanted to splurge. Whatever. I've got a CD changer and a sunroof. Their loss.

:23 They show a commercial with last year's winner, McKey. I still can't get past the fact she looks exactly like Robin from How I Met Your Mother. Except Robin is hotter.

:26 You know Lindsay Lohan's fire crotch? Dye it blond and put it on Dracula's head. That's what her hair looks like going into the photo shoot.

:29 Tyra, being Tyra and all, can't simply just tell the models she'll be photographing them. She has to have a fake car accident set up so that the models' bus has to stop, they get out, and then she emerges from the smoke. Can you imagine Simon Cowell descending from the balcony on American Idol to announce he's going to judge? No? That's why I nominate Tyra as a guest mentor on Idol. It would be trashtastic.

:29 The crazy hair is explained: The girls are dressed as birds. That's a shame, because now Dracula resembles the Cowardly Lion's sister.

:30 Oh, Tyra. You lasted 10 seconds before you had to give advice. Hold back next time. Please.

:31 Dracula hugs Tyra, then, like a pubescent boy after his first dance, awkwardly blurts out, "You're really pretty." Dracula, if you keep that up, Tyra's never going to kiss you at the end of the date.

:32 Somehow, The Hair's hair is even bigger than before. I think it now has a vote in the United Nations.

:33 Tyra: "You know how birds kick their booties out?" No, Tyra, I don't. Please demonstrate. Oh, there, you did. For a second, I was worried you'd pass up an opportunity to remind everyone you used to model. Next, she'll show us how momma birds feed baby birds through regurgitation. Fierce!

:34 Sidenote: Capricorn told me Tyra's new catchphrase on her talk show is "Disgusting." I don't think Tyra knows that you can't just will a catchphrase into the lexicon. I should know. I've been saying Top Model is "trashtastic" for months.

:36 Tyra has stumbled and almost fallen on her face numerous times during this shoot. Baby Jesus did not answer my prayers, though: Almost fallen.

:43 Judging time. The judges love that Dracula looks like a little bird in a nest. Then, half the judges love Cruise's photo, the other half hate it. Paulina, a judge, tells Cruise she does well despite not being blessed with a great body. Chew on that thought for a little bit while you chew on those chips and pizza, readers. If Cruise, a Top Model finalist, doesn't have a great body, Paulina thinks your body is (fill in the blank).

:47 Miss J says Model T doesn't look like a spring chicken, although the other judges like her photo. So, just as an update: Cruise doesn't have a great body, and Model T, at 25, is old. Feeling good yet?

:48 The Hair gets complemented for finally figuring out you're supposed to move your face around when you model. Your Top Four Models, America!

:55 The Hair and Model T are in the bottom two, a familiar spot for both of them in recent weeks.

:57 Model T is going home, essentially because the judges think she's too old... which they've know this entire time and only now decided was an issue.

:59 The big season finale is next week: The Hair, Cruise and Dracula. I can't say any of them looked like Top 3-material in the first week. Who do you think will win? Dracula doesn't have the runway walk, Cruise is plateauing, so I'd say The Hair.

I'll be interviewing Model T over at Real Blogger later today UPDATE: Here it is... I'll make sure to remind her again and again she's old.


Children of the Nineties said...

Hilarious per usual. I hope the juiciness is a tad more on the Sunny D side than steak side.

And of course, who doesn't love a good fake car accident?

Heather said...

This is the first season that I really don't care who wins... Dracula can't walk, Cruise is awkward and doesn't have much personality and The Hair just gets on my nerves...
And I also was not aware that birds "kick out" their booty. Oh, Tyra... you never cease to educate me with your fierceness.

Soda and Candy said...

:17 nearly made me spit out my sandwich - hilarious.

Please do remind Model T that she's old, which means that MY next birthday will be mentioned by Willard Scott.

Kellie said...

So I wasn't going to read this b/c I haven't watched the episode yet and didn't want to spoil the outcome but... I just couldn't stop myself. Damn it. Now I'll watch it and think of your comments at the same time. Maybe it will actually be better that way!

Andy said...

Children: Or maybe it's Juicy, Notorious B.I.G. style
Heather: I agree. There's nobody who has it all this year. I think they kicked off the wrong people earlier on...
Soda: You are hilarious
Kellie: My play-by-plays are just irresistible...OK, who am I kidding?

LiLu said...

I had stopped watching this show because it got so lame.

This recap is so awesome I might have to start again...

Candy's daily Dandy said...

25 too old????

Excuse me while I go slit my wrists right mow.

Herding Cats said...

I am just responding to this post because I hadn't yet watched the episode on Tivo.....it was hilarious. I love your commentary. I, too, feel like an ancient rhinocerous after watching all the judges hate on the girls. It's hilarious though? Can't stop...watching...

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