To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model Cycle 13 Premiere

It's already time for another season of America's Next Top Model. If you were like me, you could barely sleep at the mere thought of it! Or, more accurately, you were kind of happy your Tivo recorded it and figured, hey, better than Property Virgins reruns. Here's the two-hour season premiere play-by-play. If you haven't read my Top Model play-by-plays before, I give all the girls nicknames, as it's more fun that way. Here's the recap of the Cycle 12 finale, when Cruise (Teyona) won it all.

:03 Tyra makes her entrance. I think this is Tyra's favorite part of every season- her first entrance, when the girls act like she's the second coming of the Beatles, and she gets to act crazy.

:04 Last year, Tyra did the Greek god thing. This year, she used a terrible French accent. Next year, she busts out her Jackie from Fresh Prince persona. Can't wait!

:05 Jay Alexander, the photo director, hasn't aged since I've started watching this show.

:12 The girls interview with the judges. Courtney walks in on crutches because she broke her foot while cheerleading. Nice idea playing up the sympathy card, Courtney, but next time, really go for it by accidentally putting a hot iron on your face so you have a signature look the judges can't ignore.

:13 Tyra says she likes Courtney's body because "she has no boobs... she's almost like a boy." So Courtney is a flat-chested, crippled cheerleader. If that thought doesn't give her confidence, I don't know what will. Nickname: Spirit Fingers

:14 Amanda is so poor, she doesn't have indoor plumbing in her trailer, so if she has to go number 2, she goes to a gas station. I can't make this stuff up. Nickname: Joe the Plumber

:22 Amber loves Jesus. She wants you to know that, as it's the reason she's modeling. (I think that's in the New Testament somewhere). She also walked into her interview strutting like a peacock. Tyra: "What was all that?" Amber: "My catwalk. Meow." ANTM is back in full force! Nickname: Right Said Fred

:32 Laura, a Kentucky girl, castrates cows.... When they were asking for Top Model applicants 5'7 or shorter, did they ask that they be as odd as possible? Nickname: The Widower

:34 Almost all of these girls are skinny as a toothpick. I guess Tyra didn't want to try to promote a plus-size, short Top Model. Or a girl who looks like she has girl parts.

:35 The more I watch Top Model, the more I can see how each girl is a reminder of a past girl. Rachel has big doe eyes like Allison (Dracula) from last season. Bianca has a shaved head like Nnenna. Right Said Fred loves Jesus like London (London the Baptist). Different season, same girls.

:47 Tyra, Miss J and Jay narrow the field from 20 down to the final 14. I'll give them this- they somehow see models in girls that on the street, you'd think are destined for "What Not to Wear," or, in some cases, "Man vs. Wild."

:47 Kara looks like the love child of Kelly from Real Housewives of New York City and singer Leona Lewis. Not sure if that's a good thing yet. Nickname: Lelly

:54 Tyra calls out the top 14. As she stands next to the six girls who didn't make the cut, you are reminded this is Top Model Short Year-- she's literally head and shoulders taller than them. For a visual, think Godzilla attacking New York City.

1:00 NOOOOOO! Right Said Fred dropped out "for personal issues." She was a comedic gold mine, Tyra! Bring her back! Oh well. Lisa, who didn't make the cut before, takes her spot. Nickname: Understudy

1:02 This episode isn't joking around. They are already doing make-overs. Save something for next week, Tyra.

1:02 You know those Etch-a-sketch things you played with as a kid to give the man a funny mustache or crazy hair? That's essentially what Tyra is doing to each model's photos to illustrate their make-over.

1:06 Can we give all of America a make-over? Wouldn't we all be the better for it?

1:07 Every season, one girl complains about her make-over. This year, it's the girl with no hair, Bianca. She complains about her eyebrows getting bleached. It's one of many things Bianca complains about. Nickname: Pouty McPouterson

1:16 The girls go to the Top Model house, which has fun house mirrors and oversized furniture to remind the girls they are short. I wonder if they made the toilets too high. That would be funny.

1:16 Did I mention there's a girl named Sundai on here? That's not even my nickname for her. But she'll need a Nickname: Hot Fudge Sundae (a la Saved By the Bell, for those in the know)

1:22 Photoshoot time- the girls are replicating their childhood photos. Erin, even with bleach blond hair, looks like Mena Suvari. Well, that one's easy enough. Nickname: Mena

1:22 It's LuLu's turn. LuLu revealed earlier she's a lesbian, and has her girlfriend's name tattooed on her chest. Nickname: The L Word (that one works too perfectly)

1:23 Rachel, with her big doe eyes, will have the same problem Allison had last year in doing something with her face beyond "Deer Caught in Headlights!" Nickname: Headlights. During Rae's shoot to replicate her ballerina photo as a little girl, she has to wear eight-inch heels that have her standing on her toes, making her look like a ballerina about to turn tricks on the corner. She's got a daughter, and that's going to give her motivation. I like it. Nickname: Mommy

1:28 Brittany's photo as a kid is her sucking on a Pixie stick. But, as Jay Manuel points her, she looks like a porn star when she sucks on the Pixie stick as an adult. Nickname: NC-17

1:30 Nicole, with her mane-like red hair and standoffish attitude, is the black sheep of the house so far, the proverbial "here for the modeling, not to make friends." But she does great in her photos, so Jay compliments her. Nicole just smiles and nods. There's a girl like her every season. Nickname: Black Sheep

1:31 Last one, finally (14 girls is a lot, Tyra.) Jennifer is proud to be the sole Asian girl in the competition, and she's also proud after nailing her photo shoot. She's the bubbly one everybody loves and is just glad to be here. Nickname: Miss Congeniality

1:38 Judging time. Different this year: Paulina is gone, so a guest judge is being used. This time, it's some random model, Chanel Iman, but in future weeks, it'll be people like Lauren Conrad, Marisa Miller and Kim Kardashian. Also different: Wilhemina Modeling is signing the winner to a contract, as Tyra notes Wilhemina is willing to sign a girl of any height. Not said: That means the usual agency, Elite, said "Hecccccccccck no we're not signing a shortie."

1:50 My favorite shot of the week: Ashley, who got discovered by Top Model while attending the Tyra Banks show. Nickname: Lady Luck. Least favorite: Hot Fudge Sundae.

1:53 Girls in the top 13 (in order called): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Lady Luck (Ashley), Spirit Fingers (Courtney), Mena (Erin), The L Word (LuLu), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)...

1:54 With a bottom two of Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Understudy (Lisa). Pouty had a good photo, bad attitude. Understudy had bad photo, good potential.... and, since Top Model looooves keeping around girls with a bad attitude, Pouty stays, Understudy goes.