To discuss a review of Toy Story 3

I finally had a night yesterday with no musical or musical practice. So what did I do?

I did what I had been waiting to do for weeks.

I wrestled a bear in a cage match went to see Toy Story 3.

You have to understand, I grew up with Toy Story, which came out when I was 12. If I had it my way, and Burger King has already promised me that so it's basically a lock, no child under the age of, say, 18 would be allowed to see Toy Story 3, at least until they've seen the first two.

That's like the idiots who listened to Green Day's "American Idiot" and thought "Dude, Green Day is such a great new band." Uh, "Dookie," anyone? "Basketcase?" Nothing?

I had a Woody doll when I was a kid, while my brother had Buzz Lightyear. It's somewhat sad that it took a movie studio to come up with the idea to make toys like that, but man, they are perfect.

Buzz played to our dreams of space adventure, flying and shooting things with lasers. Woody warned us about bioterrorism - "Somebody poisoned the waterhole"- and was never afraid to pick favorites among his staff - "You're my favorite deputy."

So I was understandably filled with glee* when Toy Story 3 came out, and in 3D no less, as movie producers are bound by law to release everything in 3D.

* Not Fox's "Glee." Then I'd be singing and dancing and looking too old to possibly be a high school underclassman.

Thoughts on Toy Story 3 (with some spoilers, but c'mon, it won't ruin anything for you):

• I am now considering writing my name (also Andy, which is another reason I love these movies) on the bottom of my dog's paw, as this evidently is a good method of invoking a sense of loyalty.
• I'm glad they played up the sexual tension between Buzz and Jessie. But I have to admit I'm not sure how toys get down and dirty, as they lack the necessary parts. Is that weird to think about?
• Ken and Barbie scenes were all funny, but I'm worried Barbie might be bulimic.
• Belle (the new gf) and I loved the new body Mr. Potato Head jury rigged for himself.
• Did Toy Story ever address whether Legos can talk? This needs to be known.
• I used to have a brontasaurus much in the style of Rex, so I've always particularly liked him, and am glad he found love, even if Pixar may have assumed he was into female dinosaurs.
• Nice touch: Having Woody use Google maps, which weren't even invented during the time of the first movie.
• Don't you wonder after watching these movies what items in your house talk when you leave? And what do they say? "Andy never uses me anymore," my toaster oven says. "Oh yeah? Well Andy doesn't even know I exist. He sucks!" my vacuum retorts.
• The 3D animation was actually worth the extra cost. It looks crazy good. I wish real life was in 3D. Wait, it is? I can take off these silly glasses now? But I thought James Cameron invented 3D!?!
• Fun story- I once shook hands with John Ratzenberger, who voices Hamm. He was in a parade in his Connecticut hometown a few years ago.
• Which is your favorite of the three movies? I will probably always love the original the most out of respect, but this one at least had all the charm plus some nice new twists. That moment when all the toys grab hands/paws awaiting their doom, well that's just touching.
• Speaking of that, I didn't cry, but I did get a little misty eyed in the final scene as the toys get played with one last time. Then I thought of my childhood toys. I owned a My Little Pony and a Cabbage Patch Kid (and a GI Joe, but it's too late to help my case)... maybe it's good I didn't hold onto those.

To discuss watching the first three Harry Potter films

It has begun!

No, not Mortal Kombat. That was 1995. Man, Mortal Kombat used to be the cat's meow. I digress.

I started watching my first Harry Potter movies on Saturday as part of Harry Potter Fest 2010 with Capricorn.

I sorcerered my stone, I chambered my secrets and I emprisoned my azkaban.*

* Now say those again and add "with your mom" at the end.

I did end up enjoying all three movies - I had never avoided watching them because I thought they would suck, I just had missed the trend early and decided not to catch up.

Nothing so far has convinced me these wizards are better than the one in Disney's "Sword in the Stone."* But I had a generally good time watching them, and I'll get the other ones done soon.

* Thanks to Smeave for pointing out it's not called "Sorcerer and the Stone," a mash-up of Disney and Harry Potter titles.

Here are my thoughts so far. Um, don't read if you don't want spoilers. But seeing as I'm one of the few who haven't seen these, I doubt that:

Sorcerer's Stone:

• The beginning of the movie felt like a Roald Dahl book. I was expecting a giant peach to pick up Harry.
• Once Sister Mary Clarence gets a hold of these wizards and gets them to sing, I think Minerva McGonagall will relax a little bit.
• Emma Watson's hair is an unofficial character in this movie. It looks like it's been teased to within an inch of its life.
• Capricorn has a celebrity crush on Alan Rickman (her other slightly odd crush is here). I ceased to exist when Snape came onscreen.
• Chicks dig scars. But do they dig lightning bolt scars? Should I get one?
• The insurance rates at this school must be outrageous
• Did anyone else think of the dinner scene in "Hook" when Robin Williams/Peter Pan learns to believe again when they saw the big dining hall at Hogwarts? No one? Rufio? No? Just me?
• There are more black hockey players in the NHL than black wizards.
• Speaking of which, Draco Malfoy sounds like a member of the Iceland team from Mighty Ducks 2.

Chamber of Secrets

• Having seen "Lord of the Rings" first, Dobby seems like someone Gollum would have beat up in elementary school. And why do little creatures have personal pronoun problems? Don't they teach them that in school?
• When will Willy Wonka send Harry's cousin Dudley down a chocolate river?
• The plot - Slytherin heir wants to eliminate all non-pure blood wizards - sounds kind of like a wizard holocaust. And by kind of, I mean "exactly."
• Hermione's hair looks slightly better.
• Moaning Myrtle needs to get laid.
• I found myself wanting a phoenix, but then worrying that would require another pet deposit from my landlord.
• Took me a bit, but I remembered the guy who plays Lucius (Jason Isaacs) was the bad guy in "The Patriot."
• Basilisk sounds like someone pronouncing an herb with a lisp.

Prisoner of Azkaban

• Maybe we don't have an obesity problem in America. Maybe wizards are just pissy and inflating people.
• Hermione's hair is the best so far. She's also turning into a young woman. My Harry Potter loving-friend Cadence said Hermione starts getting hot by the next movie. I had wondered when it would be socially acceptable to say so.
• My brother called this the "puberty movie" while listening to Ron squeak.
• Some people call soul-sucking, remorseless, ghoulish things Dementors. I just call them BP executives.
• I don't know what happens with Ron and Harry duking it out for Hermione's affection, but we're headed down that way. Right?
• Scoring points in Quidditch seems kind of silly if someone always seems to get the golden snitch and end the game. Maybe the snitch should explode on contact so a seeker only wins once. Ever.
• Am I the only one who would use the Invisibility Cloak to go into the girl's locker room?
• That Marauder Map would be nice if you were at a mall, not only to track your friends whereabouts, but also to see if any ex's or others you have a disdain for are lurking in a store. Maybe Verizon can make this happen.
• Somehow, I expected Kristen Stewart to break up the werewolf fight with one of her patented biting-bottom-lip moves. It never happened.
• I've never seen anyone get knocked out and then wake up in a hospital bed as much as Harry Potter in these three movies.

So did I get the highlights? Is there something you remember?

P.S. Unrelated note: I have a feeling a fitness-related As Seen on TV Week may find its way on this blog sometime this summer. Could be legendary.

To discuss Hilary Duff taking down the Fourth Estate with one ABC Family swoop

During my blogging hiatus, I watched the following movies:
Boy in the Striped Pajamas (Dead kitten sad)
Date Night (Delightful)
I Love You, Man (Very re-watchable)
2012 (Better than expected)
Brothers (Watched it for Natalie Portman, but fun to watch Spiderman lose his mind)
Transformers 2 (Could be one of the most unwatchable movies I've ever seen, and I saw Austin Powers 3)

But last night. Oh, last night. I watched something just for all of you, dear readers, something I Tivo'd from Sunday night just because I knew it would be a gem.

I'm talking ABC Family. Hilary Duff. Beauty & The Briefcase.

You just got served, bitches.

Capricorn knows that above any of my issues with a movie, the one that bugs me most (other than Michael Bay, a recent addition) is the use of journalists. She can't even talk to me about the Drew Barrymore flick, "Never Been Kissed," as I get outraged that any newspaper reporter would be allowed to basically go undercover on her own just to write one story.

Fortunately, ABC Family didn't let me down. Here's the premise: Lane (Hilary Duff) is a freelance writer hoping to write for big-time fashion magazines. She gets a break and is asked to write for Cosmopolitan about finding a workplace romance in corporate America. The only problem is, she has to go undercover and pretend to be a businesswoman! The hijinx! Her goal for the article is to find a "man in a suit" that meets all her checklist items of her "magic man" (I can't make this up).

And now, for a rundown of "Beauty & The Briefcase" (B&B)

• Does anybody else categorize Hilary Duff movies based on whether she is curvy or bird-like thin? In this one, she's working her J-Lo curves, which is refreshing. I'm glad ABC Family let her eat. Ahem, CW?
  
• If you didn't know Cosmo was one of the sponsors, Hilary and her roomie, who live in an impossibly sized loft in NYC considering they are poor media types, have a Cosmo shrine on their wall. I'd say that's strange, but then again, I'm a heterosexual male who writes Cosmo recaps every month, so ...
  
• Millions of Americans are unemployed, but in B&B, you can just lie on your resume and walk right into a full-time job at an investment firm.
• Lane spends the whole movie feeling out of place in the corporate world. There is no explanation of why she doesn't just find a job in corporate communications.
• Another Cosmo influence: Lane's article is a way for her to find a man to fulfill the void in her life, as if that will solve everything. At least her article premise wasn't "Get a corporate job to learn the 7 BEST orgasm tricks." That wouldn't have been an ABC Family kind of movie.
  
• She's often dressed like she's in an office-themed porno, and she's the only woman under 40 in the office, and yet is surprised all the horny guys in the office like her. At one point, she's, like, so embarrassed that she bent over and showed cleavage and her ass to her boss.
• She and her friends play Go Fish using photos of male body parts.
  
• She's hired as a "corporate synergy executive" who must know specific business software, and yet rarely is asked to do anything but answer the phone and giggle.
• She goes on dates with everyone in the office, but doesn't sleep with any of them. You'd think by the fifth guy, word would have gotten around she was closed for business.
  
• The Cosmo editor says her initial article "lacks depth." I'd like to know of any Cosmo article with depth. XOXO, Cosmo, just kidding, I'll still write for you!
  
• On a first date, she tells a guy she likes to play games with "feathers and chocolate sauce." At this point, I realize Lizzie McGuire is kinda a slut.
• I also realize I still am mad at Hilary for "Raise Your Voice."Like, for making that whole movie.
  
• According to B&B, all guys in corporate America have no personalities but are eager to have sex, and all women have big dreams but would settle for a guy who is good at sex.
• Her token "Hey, I do have a talent in this unfamiliar job!" movie cliche is creating visuals for a presentation ... that look oddly familiar to a Cosmo cover. Hilary, if you want a Cosmo cover, this is how you do it.* (* P.S. Anyone interested in me and Ben doing a Part II this summer?)
• She gets the cover story ... and is the cover model. Take that, Heidi Klum of the May issue! Where's your article?
• It took her two hours to figure out opposites attract.
  

Worst line:
"The business world looks a lot like heaven to me. Heaven in a tie." - Lane

How the mighty have fallen:
Jaime Pressley is in this movie.

Journalism no-no's:
- Drinking during an interview
- Taking gifts
- Comparing an undercover Cosmo assignment that's basically a "Never Been Kissed" ripoff to the work of Woodward and Bernstein, the Watergate reporters who, by the way, didn't work undercover.
- Lying
- Changing your story angle without talking to an editor
- An editor telling you who you can and can't date
- Printing a copy of your notes on your work printer while you're being an undercover reporter
- Making up sources
- Being Hilary Duff in general

I hope this has helped you. And for those who are now Cosmo-hungry, there will be a Cosmo review up later this week.

To discuss movie reviews: Up in the Air and The House Bunny. That's right.

I'd like to apologize to the employees of two local Blockbuster stores that recently closed.

The blood is all over my hands.

No, I didn't murder them all, because that's something I would only do to employees of Abercrombie & Fitch stores, with their trendy outfits and judgment and whatnot.

But I do consider myself somewhat culpable for the closure of the Blockbuster stores.

Exhibit A for the prosecution: Those $1 rent-a-movie Blockbuster kiosks outside gas stations. I used one for the first time, and while they were sadly lacking in such cult classics as "Heavyweights" (Ben Stiller's best role, ever), they did have the Oscar-nominated "Up in the Air," or more lately known as "Oscar Cannon Fodder for Hurt Locker and Precious."

Exhibit B for the prosecution: Video on demand through the bane of my existence cable company. Movies are available right away, either through their own offerings or through Amazon. On Sunday, Capricorn and I made a random choice, "House Bunny," starring Anna Faris' abs, Emma Stone's raspy voice and Hugh Hefner's infertility.

There's no need to go to an actual store anymore. If only they could figure out how to do this for gasoline, I'd really cut down on trips.

So we watched these two movies on back-to-back nights. Thoughts (with spoilers, but c'mon):

Up in the Air: I've made it a point to see as many of the Oscar-nominated movies this year as I can. Most recently, we saw "Precious," which had amazing performances and a crazy amount of incest references, in that order.

This weekend, I finally got to see "Up in the Air," starring George Clooney, the girl from "Twilight" and the lady who's name I can't pronounce. The movie had bonus points for a Zach Galifianakis appearance, Vera strutting in only a tie, Anna Kendrick's pony tail that had so much power I wanted to call it a stallion tail, and the effortless charm of Clooney. The last point can't be said enough. True story: All guys are a tiny bit gay for George Clooney.

Overall, the central theme of trying to find meaning in a life where there's no sense of home was terrific, especially for hobos and bin Laden, but what the movie lacked was more suggestions on how to cut down on hassle at the airport. Clooney's character, Ryan, tells Anna's character to always follow Asians through the metal detectors because they know how to travel efficiently. See, that's gold. But where was the advice on how to not get the seat next to a Chatty Kathy, or get free seat upgrades, or join the Half-Mile High Club for those afraid of both heights and commitment? Maybe for "Up in the Air 2"?

House Bunny Did you ever watch a movie and feel bad for some of the actors? I sent flowers and a condolences card to Anna Faris by the third scene. Now, I love her if only because of the vastly underrated "Just Friends." After watching this movie, though ... "Just Friends" is great, isn't it?

Capricorn compared "The House Bunny" to "White Chicks," a movie that's not well done but it makes her laugh. I agree. There are parts of House Bunny that are really funny, in the sense that a specific joke worked and not because the script or plot worked. Those parts do not include the time Katherine McPhee squeegees her pregnant stomach.

Actually, the entire plot is ridiculous and I won't even get into the fact the lowly, down-and-out sorority girls somehow have enough money and connections to buy all new clothes, renovate their house and throw a lavish party featuring a jello-filled volcano. Or the fact American Idol McPhee is inexplicably pregnant the entire movie, even though she is supposed to be afraid of boys, and that the pregnancy is supposed to make her ostracized. Or that she holds up her baby at the end like she's Moses holding up the Ten Commandments. Or the fact one of the Cheetah Girls is in it. Or the fact one of the girls runs around like a monkey and talks like an East German shot put thrower. Or the fact that Hugh Hefner can't act. Or the fact Rumer Willis' character has a Forrest Gump-like moment when she breaks free from her back brace... in a movie also featuring Tom Hanks' son, Colin. Or the fact Colin Hanks is in it.

Actually, the much bigger question Capricorn and I ask: Did Tom Hanks watch this? And what did he say to his son afterward?

"You know, you could always try accounting ..."

To discuss a movie review: Fast & Furious Fun

If the original "The Fast and The Furious" was all about street racing, fast women, testosterone and Ja Rule's fleeting acting career...
If "2 Fast 2 Furious" was all about Miami sun, scantily clad women, car chases, and Tyreese's fleeting acting career...
If "Fast and Furious: Toyko Drift" was all about Japanese culture, scantily clad Asian women, drifting and Bow Wow's fleeting acting career...
Then the latest "Fast & Furious" is all about...

A) A return to street racing, fast women, testosterone, and Michelle Rodriguez's fleeting acting career
B) A infusion of Girls Gone Wild-style background actors, armed robbery on the highway, death-defying stunts, and Paul Walker's fleeting acting career
C) The rekindling of American interest in muscle cars, the use of a mediocre drug lord as the villain, the use of a main character's death to spark a storyline, and Jordana Brewster's fleeting acting career.
D) Boobs, cars and Vin Diesel's impressive biceps
E) All of the above

After watching the fourth installment in the "Fast and Furious" franchise, I'm going to have to go with E.

And that's just fine with me.

You see, I saw the first F&F as a high schooler, with my family. We fell in love with the movie as a kind of "sure it's not well-acted or scripted, but that's a sweet car chase!" movie. Since then, it's become somewhat of an inside joke to refer to the movie, as we joked about adding NOS to our cars, boosting cars in parking lots and street racing.

I was glad to see the latest F&F will help us continue the inside jokes for years to come. The new movie has most of the original cast, although Ja Rule is M.I.A., a glaring omission that really had... no impact on the movie whatsoever.

You want Vin Diesel*? He's here, after making a cameo in the "Tokyo Drift" installment. Diesel's Dominic Toretto and his girlfriend, Letty (Michelle "I rack up D.U.I's like you rack up calories" Rodriguez), are back to their old tricks at the start of the movie, hijacking moving trucks on the highway for money in the Dominican Republic.

But (SPOILER ALERT...well, whatever, it's not going to stop you from watching) Toretto realizes he has to get out of town before he gets caught. Soon, he finds out Letty was murdered by some drug runners who hired her to smuggle coke over the Mexican border.

This sets the *cough* plot *cough* in motion. Brian (Paul Walker), who still works for the FBI even though in "2 Fast" he broke about every rule you could as a cop, including banging the enemy, is hunting down the same guy Toretto is looking for, so they eventually join forces. Toretto's sister, Mia (Jordana Brewster), also is around to create some nice sexual tension for Brian.

I'd tell you more about the plot, but that's not why you'd see this movie. You'd see it to:

• Look at the amazing cars, so as to remind you that some people aren't affected by the recession and can drop thousands on upgrading their Mitsubishi.
• Watch an absurdly high number of attractive people all congregate in the same venues, night after night, in a well-orchestrated street racing operation. I worry about getting busted going 10 mph over the speed limit, and yet scores of people can having an underground racing life where they drive as fast as possible every weekend, with few repercussions.
• Watch hot women make out, despite having nothing to do with the plot (Sample F&F producers meeting: "We really need to find a way to breathe life into this franchise... Hey, I got it. Those hot chicks we always have in scenes? Let's have them make out! And, let's have Vin Diesel's love interest not wear a bra, with a shirt more transparent than glass!")
• Revel in unreal car chases... This F&F outdoes itself with some insane stunts, none of which would be physically possible but are still fun to watch.**

For pure entertainment value, it's one of the better F&F installments. Hey, it made $70 million on the opening weekend, and my theater was sold out last Friday, too. You either love these movies, or you hate them. And be prepared to love or hate them more... they are already planning on a fifth one, which will probably be: Fast cars, exotic women, impossible stunts and fill-in-the-blank's fleeting acting career.

* Vin Diesel's cool name always makes me want to change my name to "Andy Gasoline" or "Andy Hybrid Electric," but it doesn't have the same ring.
** It also makes you want to spin out in the parking lot and rev your engine unnecessarily... which I, along with many other guys who saw the movie, did immediately after the movie ended. And yeah, it felt good. Real good.

To discuss a Movie Review: Quantum of Solace is at least a better title than most Star Wars movies

(There are limited spoilers. But if you cared about spoilers, you'd read this after seeing the movie, anyway.)

When your girlfriend compares the new James Bond flick, “Quantum of Solace,” to the shoot-em-up assassin movie, “Hitman,” you know this isn’t your father’s James Bond.

Capricorn had never seen a James Bond movie before. Coincidentally, this summer I saw the new Indiana Jones installment with a friend who had never seen any of the Indiana Jones movies before. On a related note, I evidently hang out with hermits and see movies under a rock someplace.

I walked into the theater on Sunday night expecting a Bond movie with the same class, action, thrill, laughs and violence as the initial Daniel Craig-led Bond, 2006’s “Casino Royale.”
QOS did not disappoint, except of course for that silly title that sounds like an angst-ridden teenager trying to title their poem about death and despair. I think “Revenge Best Served Shaken, Not Stirred” would have worked better.
At least it’s not “Revenge of the Sith.”

From the opening moments, Craig encapsulates all that people want in their Bond, as it is, after all, our Bond. He’s intelligent, witty, debonair— yes, debonair, like Cary Grant with an automatic assault weapon— and as physical as any Bond before him. The action scenes could have found a home in any of the “Bourne” movies. I’m always impressed with the different ways Bond producers allow the title character to get his way out of trouble, too. In QOS, Craig gets to use a car, a dirt bike, an SUV, a plane and a boat. He was one train away from starring in a sequel with Steve Martin and John Candy’s corpse.

For a full synopsis of the movie, go here. The basic premise is Bond seeking revenge against a secret terrorist agency, Quantum. His girlfriend, Vesper, had killed herself because she was forced by Quantum to betray Bond at the end of “Casino Royale.” At the center of Quantum, there’s a new villain, Dominic Greene, who is trying to connive world leaders into investing in his environmental group, Greene Planet, which is a front for his secret plan to control a huge, untapped water supply in Bolivia. Talk about An Inconvenient Truth.

The action picks up an hour after “Casino Royale” left off, and there are plenty of chase scenes to go around in the opening minutes to rival the excellent scene in “Royale” when Bond chased his target up, around, and on top of a construction site.

More than the action, what sets these most recent two Bond movies apart from previous installments is their ability to delve more deeply into the characters. Craig gives Bond depth beyond the “agent with a license to kill” mindset, showing compassion, sorrow and pain, but not to the point that it interrupts his work.

The new Bond girl, Camille, is played adeptly by the gorgeous Olga Kurylenko, who holds her own in scenes with Craig and isn’t just a sex object. That might be because it’s also the first time Bond doesn’t get in bed with the main Bond girl, as he’s too busy most of the time recklessly killing suspects, much to the chagrin of his boss, M, and the rest of the British government.

Not to fear, though, traditional Bond fans. Bonds finds time to sleep with another woman, Strawberry Fields, a red-haired beauty sent by the British Consulate to take Bond in for debriefing. Let’s just say things don’t go well for Ms. Fields, and I’m not talking about contracting a disease from Bond, who is approaching Wilt Chamberlain territory after all of these movies’ worth of lovemaking. You know he's not using protection.

Revenge and killing, not romance, serve as the primary fodder for QOS, however. Bond is unusually brutal this time, in part because he’s full of anger after the death of Vesper, a woman he loved. Craig does well in showing some restraint so as to not make Bond cartoonishly vengeful like some Sylvester Stallone movie. It’s also refreshing that Greene, played by Mathieu Amalric, does not have any gimmicky physical traits that have long been a staple of Bond movies.

That forces Amalric to become despicable and emotionally disturbed on his own volition, which he does well in his limited scenes. In all, QOS is a perfect blend of Bond qualities. I’m sure all of those fans who protested Craig’s selection as the new Bond feel silly now. Craig’s Bond is on par with the best of Bonds before him, and with the ability to beat up those past Bonds, as well.

And yes, Capricorn greatly enjoyed QOS. Now all I have to do is get her to see Casino Royale.