To discuss things I know at the age of 28

I can only assume you've all been wondering what I've been up to these past weeks since I last wrote. No? Not at all? Good, that means your life has been awesome.

But for those who still wonder, it's mostly been full of improv comedy. Like, a ton of it. Email me and I'll tell you more. There's more important stuff to get to...

I just turned 28, y'all/dudes/Muppets/ladies!

My birthday was Sunday. Unlike last year, I wasn't snowed inside. In fact, I wasn't even in Pennsylvania. I was in Chicago, watching and doing improv all weekend with my girlfriend (and also watching The Fighter*)

* That continued my man-crush on Mark Walhberg, but it's also just a fantastic movie. It made me want to become a boxer until I realized I couldn't take getting punched in the face, which seems to be a requirement.

I've learned a lot in the past year since I wrote my "Things I Know At Age 27" post. Let's find out things I now know at age 28.

* I will never be 27 again. Sure, that seems like a no-brainer, but when you're, say, 9, you don't realize you don't get to be 8 again.

* It's easier to get older as a guy.

* The Wonder Years hasn't stood the test of time as much as I wanted it to, but Boy Meets World has. I can accept that.

* All anyone can ask for is a steady job in a field they like, with people to share life with around that. Also, Shamrock milkshakes from McDonalds.

* I am extremely fortunate that I get to do a job I am good at and enjoy.

* I'm even more fortunate to have some talent that allows me to get paid to make people laugh. I find this ridiculous, but will not be telling that to the people signing the checks.

* It took me this many years to figure out what I really want to do with my life versus what I've always done with my life. As it turns out, you can't really know that at 21 or 22.

* Underwear is kinda silly if you think about it.

* Pay phones sure disappeared, right?

* As it turns out, most religions are rooted in plagiarism.

* People get too anxious over airport security. It's not complicated.

* But I still do not like metal detectors.

* The Oscars aren't really about who was the best as much as who has the best publicity push at the right time.

* 9/11 is still really weird and disturbing to think about with any degree of seriousness. A plane? Into a building?

* I think about things like property taxes, interest rates and depreciation way more now.

* I think about colors in nature, the way machines work and imaginary things way less now.

* I still get to play make-believe with improv comedy, though, and that's going to keep me young.

* My life goals are much more clear, and, better yet, much more attainable.

* Katy Perry will one day be looked back upon the same way we look at, say, Joan Jett in terms of cultural influence. Not sure what I think of that.

* I haven't wavered in my love of hip hop, years after it would be considered OK for a small-town white guy to like it. Favorites now include Drake, Rick Ross, Jay-Z, Lil' Wayne and Eminem. But now it's because of the lyrical word play.... OK, that and it's fun to pump the bass.

* But I have not, and likely never will, be able to make it rain.

* I still love Radiohead.

* I still weigh about the same as I did at age 18, and in fact can fit in the same jeans. I also know those days can't possibly last forever.

To discuss a Weekend Update, Chicago style

I'm still recovering from an action-packed weekend trip to Chicago. I was attending a journalism conference, but, as I've written before, these weekends tend to be fairly eventful. Here, with photo evidence, is a Weekend Update.

Friday

• On the flight out, United reminded all passengers that in case of a water landing, the inflatable slides out the doors can be used as flotation devices. Because after your plane hits the water at 200 mph, you better find a flotation device and fast. You saw what happened to Jack after the Titanic sank. Rose let that bitch freeze in the water.
  
• United also had in-flight television, including a re-run of "Two and a Half Men," and a show about wildlife ... that included a guy with a rifle shooting deer. And they say the airline industry is out of touch with consumer needs.

• Trying to kill some time, I took a walk to the nearby beach (!?!?). People strolled by, dressed in winter coats, scarves and gloves. Except for the guy you'll notice to the top right of the couple. He was shirtless. In short shorts.
  
• After a few seminars at the hotel, the conference was moved to a nearby restaurant for cocktails and dinner, followed by a speech by an elderly college president. She took the opportunity to talk about the future of college education, reading from her lengthy article on the subject. I turned it into a wine drinking game. By the 18th page, she was brilliant. And sexy.
• I met up with my friend Steve Urkel and his friend, Eddie Winslow.* Steve and I have known each other our whole lives, although not at the point of conception (that I'm aware of). They took me on a little Chicago bar hopping tour.

* Both names changed to protect the innocent. And to get an awesome "Family Matters" reference in while talking about Chicago.
• We ended up taking a train packed full of slutty teens, 20-something alcoholics and 70-something creepers, to Wrigleyville, home of the Chicago Cubs' Wrigley Field, which has been home for disappointment for more than a century. Steve explained to me Chicagoans drink before games, during games and after games, thus making the losing tolerable. Even though it was November, people were drowning their sorrows all over the place. They are really dedicated fans!

• Random encounter of the night: One of the guys in the Sonic commercials (he's the guy on the left in the car). Random encounter on Sunday at O'Hare: I am sure I saw the UPS commercial guy who draws the eerily straight lines on the whiteboard.
• I saw more stretch limos in one night than I had seen in the past five years. And they were outside of dive bars. You stay classy, Chicago drunks.
  
• We got back around 2 a.m., riding on a train now chock full of regrets and Planned Parenthood customers. When I was about to part ways with Steve for the walk back to my hotel, he was kind enough to remind me Chicago is one of the tops in the country for murder. "If someone approaches you, shiv them," he advised. Unfortunately, I left my shiv in my room, along with my vampire stake and my crossbow.
  

Saturday

• There's something about being out of town that lets you get up early even after being up way past your bedtime. I need to trick my body into thinking my apartment is in Jamaica. On a side note, I need to trick my body into looking like Gerard Butler's in "300."
• After a full day of seminars (see, I did actually learn something ... for example, tuition is never going to stop rising and we're all screwed), it was time for another night on the town. This time, I took a cab with a bunch of reporters to Wicker Park, across town. We eventually found a trendy-looking Mexican restaurant, trendy because the word "Bell" wasn't in the name, and you couldn't order a personal pan pizza along with your taco.
• Half the group split off, and the hardcore people eventually went back to a bar that had a combination of waitresses struggling to make ends meet (otherwise, they would have been able to afford the rest of their shirts), Ultimate Fighting (Subtitled: Homoerotica for Dudes Who Experimented Once and Liked It A Little), and, by 11:30, karaoke.
• One of the reporters started off the night with "Slave 4 U." Another reporter and I busted out Spin Doctors' "Two Princes," in what critics called the finest song selection of a random 90s song at a Chicago karaoke bar this side of "Wonderwall."
• At one point, a very, very large man with a voice similar to what I imagine Snuffleupagus would sound like after an all-night bender in Mexico, asked my "Two Princes" partner and I to sing "I Want It That Way" with him. (Can't recall "I Want It That Way"? Try this.)
  
• Being that we didn't want to get eaten, we agreed. By the end of the song, two things were certain: 1) Once journalism fails me, I will go on to become a 90s-only karaoke DJ, and 2) Everybody is a closet boy band lover. That everybody included the DJ, who, at one point, sang a song of his own. That song was LFO "Summer Girls." I don't think he looked at the lyrics once.
  

Sunday

• The conference wrapped up by noon, so a group of us decided it would be smart to walk from the hotel to Millenium Park, a mere 4,536 mile 30-minute walk. It turned out to be well worth it. We got to see the shiny bean thing, which is basically one giant metallic funhouse mirror. Who knows how many countless marriage proposals, first dates and late-night cocaine binges have been done there?
  
• Next, some of us stopped at a giant indoor mall, where I found a man made of Legos. Is that a building block in his pocket or is he just happy to see me?
• Finally, I got the shuttle bus to O'Hare, and got on my flight home, losing an hour in the process due to Eastern Standard Time. That's exactly when you realize how ridiculously arbitrary time zones are. At exactly this moment, you are one hour further ahead in life, they say ... Well, readers, then I declare after reading this blog post, it's actually Christmas Day 2093. Merry Christmas. You're dead.
  

To discuss Chicago, Chicago

By Friday morning, I will be in a city known for wind, historic losing, Oprah and a musical starring Catherine Zeta Jones' legs.

That's right, it's Chicago.

It's the third time I'll be attending an expenses-paid reporters' conference (who knows why they keep accepting me).

The last time, I went to the A-T-L, but was unable to track down Kim, NeNe or Ludacris. I did, however, have this happen to me:

"Since I didn't want to end up anyone's bitch, handcuffed to a bed with my wallet stolen and a sock in my mouth, I smiled politely and tried to back off. She then leaned over and asked me,
'Do you like bad girls?'"

That trip was also right after the first time Capricorn and I told each other "I love you." We have since told each other that about 10,000 times, and have managed to never say "P.S. I Love You" Hilary Swank style because that would be obnoxious and annoying.

For the first conference, I went to St. Louis, and happened to stay at a hotel across the street from a rally for then-presidential hopeful Barack Obama. I also got to go up in the St. Louis Arch, which I imagine is more or less a claustrophobic's worst nightmare. And how could I forget this random encounter on the street:

Old dude: "Do you know where Blah Blah bar is?"
Me: "Yeah, actually, we just came from there, it's down the street."
Old dude: (To Michigan girl): "You have a nice smile." (pauses... stares awkwardly)
Mich. girl: "Uh...."
(Enter homeless dude)
HD: "Hey y'all... It's my birthday today."
Me: "Well, happy birthday"

Who knows what will happen this time. Any guesses? Knife fight? Chess match with a Chicago Cub? Oprah decides not to leave Chicago just because of my presence?

To discuss fake Andy Shaw of the month: This one's kind of famous

Last day of February means last chance for my fake Andy Shaw of the month.
This one comes courtesy of several of you who have suggested this guy: ABC 7-Chicago political reporter Andy Shaw.

This Andy Shaw and I share many traits:

• He just finished an illustrious reporting career. I am just starting an illadvisedustrious reporting career.
  
• He used to write about education, I currently write about education.
• He was born and raised in Chicago, I have seen the musical "Chicago."
• He enjoys crossword puzzles, I think crossword puzzles are puzzling.
• His story coverage has taken him to Mexico, Canada, England, Ireland and Cuba. I have watched the Olympics in which all those countries competed. Also, I have been to Taco Bell, watched hockey, listened to Radiohead, drank Shamrock Shakes* and admired Fidel Castro's beard. So, again: similar.
• When you Google "Andy Shaw," he is the first name that pops up. I come up by page 3, but only because I write about other Andy Shaw's. I consider this a moral victory.
• This fake Andy Shaw was semi-forced into retirement. Soon, I'll be semi-forced into unpaid vacation...**

* My beaming face after drinking McDonald's Shamrock Shakes, not Helen of Troy's, is the face that launched a thousand ships. True story.
** ... News at 11. Well, actually, Monday or Tuesday I'll update you. I just like saying "News at 11."