To discuss a Weekend Update, Chicago style

I'm still recovering from an action-packed weekend trip to Chicago. I was attending a journalism conference, but, as I've written before, these weekends tend to be fairly eventful. Here, with photo evidence, is a Weekend Update.

Friday

• On the flight out, United reminded all passengers that in case of a water landing, the inflatable slides out the doors can be used as flotation devices. Because after your plane hits the water at 200 mph, you better find a flotation device and fast. You saw what happened to Jack after the Titanic sank. Rose let that bitch freeze in the water.
  
• United also had in-flight television, including a re-run of "Two and a Half Men," and a show about wildlife ... that included a guy with a rifle shooting deer. And they say the airline industry is out of touch with consumer needs.

• Trying to kill some time, I took a walk to the nearby beach (!?!?). People strolled by, dressed in winter coats, scarves and gloves. Except for the guy you'll notice to the top right of the couple. He was shirtless. In short shorts.
  
• After a few seminars at the hotel, the conference was moved to a nearby restaurant for cocktails and dinner, followed by a speech by an elderly college president. She took the opportunity to talk about the future of college education, reading from her lengthy article on the subject. I turned it into a wine drinking game. By the 18th page, she was brilliant. And sexy.
• I met up with my friend Steve Urkel and his friend, Eddie Winslow.* Steve and I have known each other our whole lives, although not at the point of conception (that I'm aware of). They took me on a little Chicago bar hopping tour.

* Both names changed to protect the innocent. And to get an awesome "Family Matters" reference in while talking about Chicago.
• We ended up taking a train packed full of slutty teens, 20-something alcoholics and 70-something creepers, to Wrigleyville, home of the Chicago Cubs' Wrigley Field, which has been home for disappointment for more than a century. Steve explained to me Chicagoans drink before games, during games and after games, thus making the losing tolerable. Even though it was November, people were drowning their sorrows all over the place. They are really dedicated fans!

• Random encounter of the night: One of the guys in the Sonic commercials (he's the guy on the left in the car). Random encounter on Sunday at O'Hare: I am sure I saw the UPS commercial guy who draws the eerily straight lines on the whiteboard.
• I saw more stretch limos in one night than I had seen in the past five years. And they were outside of dive bars. You stay classy, Chicago drunks.
  
• We got back around 2 a.m., riding on a train now chock full of regrets and Planned Parenthood customers. When I was about to part ways with Steve for the walk back to my hotel, he was kind enough to remind me Chicago is one of the tops in the country for murder. "If someone approaches you, shiv them," he advised. Unfortunately, I left my shiv in my room, along with my vampire stake and my crossbow.
  

Saturday

• There's something about being out of town that lets you get up early even after being up way past your bedtime. I need to trick my body into thinking my apartment is in Jamaica. On a side note, I need to trick my body into looking like Gerard Butler's in "300."
• After a full day of seminars (see, I did actually learn something ... for example, tuition is never going to stop rising and we're all screwed), it was time for another night on the town. This time, I took a cab with a bunch of reporters to Wicker Park, across town. We eventually found a trendy-looking Mexican restaurant, trendy because the word "Bell" wasn't in the name, and you couldn't order a personal pan pizza along with your taco.
• Half the group split off, and the hardcore people eventually went back to a bar that had a combination of waitresses struggling to make ends meet (otherwise, they would have been able to afford the rest of their shirts), Ultimate Fighting (Subtitled: Homoerotica for Dudes Who Experimented Once and Liked It A Little), and, by 11:30, karaoke.
• One of the reporters started off the night with "Slave 4 U." Another reporter and I busted out Spin Doctors' "Two Princes," in what critics called the finest song selection of a random 90s song at a Chicago karaoke bar this side of "Wonderwall."
• At one point, a very, very large man with a voice similar to what I imagine Snuffleupagus would sound like after an all-night bender in Mexico, asked my "Two Princes" partner and I to sing "I Want It That Way" with him. (Can't recall "I Want It That Way"? Try this.)
  
• Being that we didn't want to get eaten, we agreed. By the end of the song, two things were certain: 1) Once journalism fails me, I will go on to become a 90s-only karaoke DJ, and 2) Everybody is a closet boy band lover. That everybody included the DJ, who, at one point, sang a song of his own. That song was LFO "Summer Girls." I don't think he looked at the lyrics once.
  

Sunday

• The conference wrapped up by noon, so a group of us decided it would be smart to walk from the hotel to Millenium Park, a mere 4,536 mile 30-minute walk. It turned out to be well worth it. We got to see the shiny bean thing, which is basically one giant metallic funhouse mirror. Who knows how many countless marriage proposals, first dates and late-night cocaine binges have been done there?
  
• Next, some of us stopped at a giant indoor mall, where I found a man made of Legos. Is that a building block in his pocket or is he just happy to see me?
• Finally, I got the shuttle bus to O'Hare, and got on my flight home, losing an hour in the process due to Eastern Standard Time. That's exactly when you realize how ridiculously arbitrary time zones are. At exactly this moment, you are one hour further ahead in life, they say ... Well, readers, then I declare after reading this blog post, it's actually Christmas Day 2093. Merry Christmas. You're dead.
  

To discuss Top 10 iTunes Embarrassments

Background: I spent most of Friday night continuing my follow-up from this debacle. This time, the focus was on my iTunes media library. Fortunately, I already knew how to transfer my songs from my iPod back to my now-blank iTunes library. But my playlists hadn't transferred, so it was time to start from scratch. While I was at it, I figured I should go through all my songs and fill in missing file information-- album title, year released, times artist arrested.

I posted on my Facebook status I was doing this for my library of about 800 songs (although I later realized I have about 1,100 songs), and soon, several Facebook friends took the opportunity to point out they had thousands more songs than that, the proverbial "mine is larger than yours" debate (I did not use that opportunity to say it's not how big your music library is, it's how you use it.)

I had no idea I was in a contest. I prefer to keep my library to what I would expect to listen to on a semi-regular basis. There's a certain litmus test a song must pass to get in, as I just don't download a song willy-nilly, or even Willie Nelson.

Still, that leaves some songs that get in by a combination of "I can't get that song out of my head," "it's 3 a.m. and this song is starting to sound better" or "this chick is hot and listening to it gives me a viable reason to think of her scantily clad, or at least that's what I'll tell a pastor if he asks."

Here, in no particular order, are my Top 10 Embarrassing Inclusions on My iTunes Playlist:

1. Miss Saigon Soundtrack: Sure, I'm a music theater person. And sure, musicals are more in vogue now than they used to be... but belting out "The Movie In My Mind " on the highway... by yourself... is a little awkward, don't you think?

2. "Knock Me Out," Tatyana Ali: Yes, that Tatyana Ali. Ashley. From "Fresh Prince." No, this isn't that fly song she sang on the show when Will was her manager and no one came to her album signing event. This is off the album she released after the show. And I love this song. It even includes a rap from the Fresh Prince.

3. "Don't Walk Away," Jade: Excellent song. If, you know, you're an urban female from the 1990s. Since I'm not one, and there's no real reason I should like this song-- and I do, oh, I do-- it's not my finest moment.

4. "808," Blaque: Continuing my affinity for urban female R&B groups (see Kane, Danity), Blaque had this hit in 1999, and I still am not sure what in the world the song is about. "Boom like an 808, circles like a figure eight, feels good from head to toe, come on baby here we go." Um, here we go what? Have sex? Fly a plane? Figure skate? Whatever, it's catchy.

5. "Kitty Kat," Beyonce: On general principle, Beyone annoys me. But I have this song, and "Ring the Alarm," on my iPod. I'm admitting this to the world. And yes, Beyonce, don't think you can sing an entire song about taking away your "kitty kat" from your man and fool me. I know what you're singing about... it's controlling the pet population, isn't it?

6. "Untouched," Veronicas: I was either going to admit I recently downloaded this song here, or in the upcoming month in review. I just can't get over the violin-ish background music and the hypnotic singing. Someone help me!

7. "Fall In Love With You," Selena: Selena is a legitimate, albeit tragic, artist. So, no shame in that. The shame is that I got this song after watching the Jennifer Lopez movie and getting teary-eyed at the end. Man card, revoked.

8. "Beep" Pussycat Dolls: This isn't even one of the *ahem* good Pussycat Dolls songs. This is the single they released that kind of got glossed over, except I couldn't get enough of will.i.am and his censored rapping about vaginas* while Nicole and her backup singers danced around in leather pants.

9. "About Us," Brooke Hogan: I... well, you see... The thing about Brook is...and, you know... aww, beep it.

10. "Incomplete," Backstreet Boys: Understandable: Listening to *NSYNC or Backstreet when they first came out and everyone was overcome with boybanditis. Not as understandable: Being an adult male and listening to a former boy band making an ill-fated comeback, under the ruse you think they have "a nice sound."

* Wait, THAT'S what Kitty Kat is about! It's about censorship! *readers slowly shake heads*
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Now, dear friends, it's your turn. In comments or your own post (and let us know if you do), please list your own embarrassing iTunes inclusions. I shouldn't be the only one doing the walk of shame.