To discuss musicals: Who would you be?

I have an audition tomorrow.

After a lengthy layoff, I'm going to foray (what a good word, right?) back into musical theater. This means one of the following:

1) I have too much time on my hands and figure I might as well find something to do at night...

No, that's not it.

2) I recently discovered I'm gay and wanted to express myself with dance and song.

No, that's not it, either. One of out of one Capricorn would agree.

3) I was getting tired of singing during normal, everyday conversations and not having anyone sing back, so I thought I better take to the stage before people think I'm crazy.

No, but we should start doing that.

4) I miss doing theater, and, although I'm busy, thought I better get back into it now before I lose my touch.

Yeah, that's more like it. I'm auditioning for "The Sound of Music." I have no hope of being one of the children, because I've hit already hit puberty and if I have to wear one of those little Austrian costumes, it's going to look like I'm smuggling an Edelweiss in my pants.

I'm not a woman, so I can't be Maria, which is fine, because those nun costumes don't complement my figure. And she has to run all over the mountains, which sounds like a lot of work.

That really just leaves Max and the Captain. I was upset to find out the Captain doesn't wear a hat like Captain Crunch, which makes his part slightly less appealing. Max, however, has a sweet mustache in the movie. That makes his part more appealing.

But here's my question for you: If you could have your life emulate a character in any musical (regardless if its still running, a live show or a movie), what would it be?

Judging by comments you've left on this blog over the months, I'd say some of you are Roxie Hart from "Chicago" (lots of heart and ambition, and you may or may not have been in prison for killing a man), some of you are Elle Woods from "Legally Blonde: The Musical" (you say silly things, but you're hot and well-educated, so we laugh it off) and some of you are extras in "Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" (cause you're kind of whorish). A choice few of you are puppets in "Avenue Q" who would sing "The Internet Is for Porn." I think you know who you are.

I'd go with the Phantom, from The Phantom of the Opera, for my life. You get dramatic music every time you enter a room, you only have to worry about how half of your face looks, you get to WEAR A FREAKING CAPE, you sing nice songs, you've got a hot mistress who is totally under your spell and comes down for post-show booty calls, you live in a labyrinth, and you get to swing from chandeliers. I don't see much of a downside, minus the whole people are trying to kill me thing.

To discuss a photo challenge that I just killed

My new blog friend Cavy tagged me. If this was first grade, I'd assume that would mean she likes me and is giggling in the corner with other girls. Since we're both adults now and this was on her blog, I assumed she meant she wanted me to do her photo challenge.*
Here's my entry**:
And here's the story behind it:
When Capricorn first saw this photo, I believe her reaction was something to the effect of, "You look like a dirty child molesting creep."

Really, I was dressed that way because I was playing a role. An assassin role.

You see, I've got a friend who is going to film school and has used me in a few of his movies. No, not those kinds of movies. He's years away from that. (We are talking about Home Alone 4: Child Protection Services Have Been Notified, right?)

He does action and suspense movies for projects and contests. A few years ago, he asked me to play the part of an assassin who is hoping to train his wife's daughter in the family business. So I got to play dress up, wear a dirty soul patch and greasy hair like I'm the ghost of K-Fed Future, and run around with a fake gun. I even had an action sequence where I had to dive on the floor. No stunt double was needed, despite my delicate frame.

I requested a butt double during the graphic sex scene, but then the director reminded me there was no graphic sex scene and that I should put my pants back on and that I should probably get those red spots checked out. He also declined my offer to film a scene using night vision, even though I said it worked on "One Night in Paris."

Most of the movie was shot in a Connecticut house, which is to say, a house about six times the size of my apartment. I tried to convince the homeowners I was a method actor and needed to live in the house before and after the shoot to truly embrace the role. This tactic did not work, especially because I had yet to put my pants back on.

Curious about the movie? Take a look. It's only about six minutes long, and it'll give you something else to watch other than that dog sleepwalking into the wall. For those with little attention span, I first appear about halfway through. For those with no attention span, stare at the photo and blink a bunch like it's a flipbook.


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* Let's be honest, Cavy. It's natural to have a crush on me. Just ask Capricorn, childhood girlfriends, and gay men. Oh, wait, you don't? Hmm. I'll have to return the his and her towels.
** And here are the rules, for anyone who wants to play. This includes you, Amy and Funny Gals.
1. Go to your picture files or wherever you store your pictures on your computer.
2. Go to the sixth folder and select the sixth picture.
3. Post it on your blog and tell the story behind the picture.
4. Go tell it on the mountain. Or to other bloggers.

Thanks for all the well-wishes for my brother, who is definitely doing better. And thanks to those who already voted in my poll, which should help me a great deal. If you haven't already, well... it takes like two seconds and requires less effort than you'll use drinking away your sorrows this weekend.