To discuss a trip to New York, New York

Start spreading the news. I'm leaving today.

OK, it was Saturday, but Sinatra didn't sing it like that so deal.
Would you believe I had never been to a Broadway show leading up to Saturday? I've been to New York City a few times - a couple parties, some baseball games and an internship interview at Madison Square Garden.*

* My brother came with me, and he drove us back. We ended up in Delaware. Still have no idea how that happened. My hometown, north of Pittsburgh, is a straight shot west from New York City. He's the Christopher Columbus of highway driving, evidently.

I went with a tour group, including my friend Sara, who's also in my improv troupe. She had made it a personal mission to get me to NYC, whereas I had thought of other, better personal missions, such as curing cancer, getting a raise or convincing McDonalds to sell shamrock shakes in November.**

** Seriously, McDonalds, those are like the only reason I patronize your devil shop. You bring back the McRib, and I can't get some minty satisfaction unless spring is in the air? Like spring needs MORE hype? Spring is the overzealous fame whore of seasons.

I knew it was going to be a good trip when our bus driver remarked, "You have to find a hole and fill it. Find the hole." He was talking about driving in NYC traffic. Or was he?

Some highlights:

* We got discounted TKTS tickets... that still cost $78.50. Ah, Broadway. You make going to the movies seem like a bargain.

* While we waited, we walked from Times Square to Central Park, which is more or less about 98 miles away. Fortunately, it was beautiful out and I was completely fascinated by everything. I even looked up at the buildings, a classic tourist no-no.

* I found no homeless homicidal heroin-addicted vagabonds in Central Park, and was slightly disappointed. It was actually extremely beautiful there with the fall leaves. There's always next time.

* For some reason I had hoped to see Alec Baldwin walking around town. It did not happen.

* The women in NYC are crazy attractive, which leads me to my long-standing theory that you should base your decision on where to live in part by what kind of "Attractive Scale" you want to be on. A girl who's an 8 in a small town is a 4 in NYC. This must not be ignored. Would you rather be a smalltown 9, or another 6 in the city? Something to consider.

* I enjoyed the horse-drawn carriage tour guide texting instead of seeing where his buggy is going. Is there a texting while driving a horse-drawn carriage ban in New York?

* The show we saw, Next to Normal, won some Tonys last year. Now I can see why. Absolutely, ridiculously good (that's the stage in the photo). And that's considering it's a "rock musical," and I don't really like rock musicals. Please go see it. It's only on Broadway until early January, as evidently Broadway hates awesome shows.

* First time someone bumped into me on the street, I said, "Sorry, pardon me." Then I remembered that unlike Pennsylvania, that's a silly thing to say to people in New York. I settled on variations of "Check yourself before you wreck yourself" and "Screw you and your whore mother."
* Only in New York City does it make sense to import a giant pine tree each year.
* Those pretzels they sell on the streets are damn good. Please, no comments on how they are likely filthy.
* Next time I go, which hopefully will be soon, I'll get to stay longer and see the sights and all that jazz. Let me know if there are any hidden gems.

To discuss the bad news and the good or bad news depending on your view

It's been more than a week since I posted.

What gives, you ask? (P.S. You're supposed to have noticed it's been that long.)

A couple of things.

Do you want the good news or bad news first?

OK, let's go with bad news, as you have no say in this matter.

Capricorn and I are no more. In what amounted to a mutual decision made recently, Capricorn and I have decided to just be friends. For those of you who have read my blog since it's inception, you've been there for the very beginning of my relationship with Capricorn (even back when she got her name). Please know she and I are still very much friends, and that it's just one of those things that happens, and that I still think she is an amazing person. We have a lot of history (history chronicled quite often on this very blog), and that's always difficult to move on from, but in the same light, I treasure that and accept it's time to start a new history.

I told her that one of the things I least wanted to deal with as a result of our break-up is tell all of you, as you've been following along with us. But now you know. And I hope one day Capricorn finds her perfect man, although I doubt he'll own a chiweenie. Also, happy belated birthday, Capricorn...

OK, let's get to the good news (or the bad news, in a way):

My latest musical, 1776, opens this coming weekend! That's pulled me away from blogging, since we are constantly at practice. I barely even see Bailey, who is starting to give me looks when I get home like, "I slaved over a hot stove all day cooking dinner for you, and you come strolling in at 11 p.m. like you's somebody. Oh no you didnnnnttt."* I tell him this is paid, professional theater, but he just rolls his eyes, tells me he "has a headache" and goes straight to bed.

* In my head, sometimes my chiweenie sounds like a Latina Lucille Ball.

We have shows every weekend from now until mid-August (e-mail me at wildarschase dot yahoo dot com for info if you are in the York/Harrisburg area or want the theater's Web site, where you can see my cast bio).

As proof, here's a photo of me dressed as Roger Sherman, a delegate from Connecticut. You can't see yet (more photos will come at later dates), but I've got hose on. I find them slimming. You'll notice I'm wearing a wig, but please don't stare, as the wig has a habit of making the ladies' knees shake with anticipation.

But that's not all. I also auditioned for ANOTHER musical, "The Music Man," at the same theater, as I'm both a glutton for punishment and evidently the gayest straight man this side of Ryan Seacrest. And I got really lucky, because I got cast as the understudy for Harold Hill, the male lead; I'll also be a salesman/dancer. That show runs late August through early October, every weekend.

Basically, I've got about five months' worth of shows coming up, which is an insane decision and yet delightful, kind of like eating Taco Bell. But I've got no plans to ignore Wild ARS Chase, as I love you all too much and, well, hell, those Cosmopolitans aren't going to review themselves. So be patient with me, and your reward will be ... more photos of me in wigs and hose. Deal?

To discuss making appropriate song selections for your audience

I kick-started my semi-professional singing career last night and boy were my feet tired oh andy that's a dumb old person joke stop making a fool of yourself.

I got asked to be the third person in a trio that does a several paid shows each year for organizations and clubs looking for entertainment. Of course, they could get cheaper entertainment by watching America's Next Top Model, but who am I to argue?

We had our first practice last night, picking songs for our show in mid-October. The show is for a womens' club full of elderly ladies... basically, my biggest fans.

Unfortunately, this meant two things:
A) I won't be able to ask for them to throw their panties at me like a rock star. No one needs to see that.
B) I won't be able to sing from the T-Pain catalog. "I'm gonna buy you a drank/Might make it that Ovaltine!"

I begrudgingly settled on what some people might consider "classics of American theater." We're doing selections primarily from "Oklahoma" and "Annie Get Your Gun," which should let me bust out some leather assless chaps.

The older audiences love those kind of Broadway standards, the same way Mariah Carey loves making career comebacks nobody requested.* You cater to what they want.

Since I'm always trying to prepare for the future, I thought I'd assemble some appropriate song choices for other types of audiences, trying to stick to the Broadway tunes, our group's focus.

Before I run the songs by my group, however, I thought I'd let you tell me what you think of these songs for the respective party host. That, and you guys seem to enjoy your musical-themed posts.

• Paula Abdul: "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going," Dreamgirls
• Anyone standing next to Megan Fox at an event: "Mr. Cellophane" Chicago
• Real World cast: "Will I Lose My Dignity?" Rent
• "18 & Counting's" Duggar family: "You'll Never Walk Alone" Carousel
• Tara Reid: "I'm Just a Girl (Who Can't Say No)" Oklahoma
• Donatella Versace: "I've Grown Accustomed to Her Face" My Fair Lady
• Kim Kardashian: "The Internet Is for Porn," Avenue Q
• Kate Gosselin: "Woe Is Me," The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
  
• Christina Hendricks: "When You Got It, Flaunt It" The Producers
• Brett Favre: " I Want the Good Times Back," The Little Mermaid

Please feel free to add suggestions. It's for the good of my singing career!

----------------------------------
* See-- if you read yesterday's post, you'll know this is an appropriate joke.

To discuss a Musical Play by Play

This, I promise, will be the last Sound of Music-related entry. I figure since I took a month off for it, I might as well squeeze what I can out of the experience.
I also figured you might find it interesting to see A) What it's like backstage during a live production B) What goes through my head when I'm doing a show and C) Why T-Pain is considered a singer when he has to use Auto-tune.
I can only help with A and B, but it's a start. Please feel free to address C on your blog or comments.

Here's a run-down of our Sunday matinee, the final show:

12:40 Arrive an hour and 20 minutes before a show. That's to get the mic checked and attend the pre-show meeting. Except, in this show, I don't first appear on stage until Act 1 scene 9... or about 45 minutes in... or about 2 and half hours after I arrive. This means I watch a lot of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" on my iPod.

12:55 Warming up. You can practice a song every day, for weeks on end, and still not perfect it, or, in my case, still suck at it. Note to self: Duck tomatoes tonight. They hurt and stain.

1:10 Putting on makeup. In the years since I started doing musicals, I've learned how to properly put on blush (sweep brush back, make a smile), use mascara and a host of other makeup techniques. On the downside, this will only come in handy in my next show, or if my son decides to do drag. Bonding!

1:11 The reason I'm doing my own makeup today is because Capricorn had to work. She's done my makeup for several of the shows, which led her to comment, "I think we're entering a new stage of our relationship." And here I though my mom meeting her parents for the first time (it went well) at yesterday's show was a new stage. Nope. It's blush and mascara.

1:31 Why don't we dress in real life like we're all in a stage production? Then we could get away with wearing whatever we want... Want to wear a three-piece business suit to class? You're starring in "How to Be Successful in Business Without Really Trying." Want to wear a leather jacket and a white shirt? You're in the cast of "Grease." Want to wear a negligee to work? You're in "Best Little Whorehouse in Texas." Also, you might be a whore.

1:55 Cast meeting. Contrary to a football team getting pumped up for the game, we don't slap each other on the butts as we exit our pre-show meeting, but I think it should be a new tradition. Except, I can't slap the von Trapp children on the butts. That's 5-10 years for each one. Speaking of which, it is nearly impossible not to walk by actors changing in and out of costumes off stage (no time for modesty). Usually, no big deal, except now, it's a bunch of little kids. We're practically needing a Megan's Law sign on the stage.

2:00 Show has begun. I can hear nuns singing through the stage back door. This is where I start to get a little anxious to get on stage. It's also when I realize I forgot to pee and won't be able to until the show's over, as there isn't a bathroom nearby. Not sure if Depends will fit under my costume.

2:40 Getting close to my entrance, and can hear the audience laughing and applauding loudly-- should be a good night. While I'm waiting, I signed the cast poster that stays at the theater. At some point, they should cash in on my autograph on eBay. I'm sure it's worth something. Oh, I should mention I forged it as "Megan Fox: Call me for a good time 555-4290"

2:45 Hear "Do Re Mi" one time, feel happy. Hear "Do Re Mi" 353 times, feel like strangling an orphan with piano wire.

2:59 About to go on. I do the same pre-going on stage routine every show, every time. Actors are very superstitious. I'd tell you what it is, but I'm sure there's bad luck involved. Part of it involves a Mighty Ducks chant. That's all I'll say.

3:00 Heard my cue-- the line right before my entrance-- and can feel the adrenaline rushing through meohgodisthatpee?

3:20 Scene went well. There's nothing like the first entrance in a show, even the fourth show in, as you never know how the audience will react to your lines or what will happen. Some nights, the audience laughs at a line, and the next night it's crickets. I'd like to recommend getting one of those "Applause/Laughter" signs they use on TV sitcoms. Actually, I could use that on the blog, too.... *Holds Laughter Sign... Waits for Response*

3:45 End of first act. The first act in Sound of Music lasts, oh, 15 hours. The goal is to make it seem like it's no time at all, like watching "Lord of the Rings" or "Harry Potter," and not like "The English Patient."

3:50 The inside joke with the actors this show is that Max, my character, will end up having an affair with Elsa, who is Captain von Trapp's fiance (he leaves her for Maria). I smell a sequel: "Sound of Music II: Max Climbs Elsa's Mountain." *Holds Laughter Sign... Shakes Laughter Sign And Waits for Response... Breaks Laughter Sign in Two and Curses*

3:51 Intermission. Intermissions seem interminable when you're in a show. All you want to do is start the show again. And all the audience wants to do is pee. Perhaps we can install toilets in the auditorium. I see a plausible solution. Isn't that what happens in "Urinetown"?

4:07 I start Act Two with a song ("Lonely Goatherd" reprise) with the von Trapp kids. I'm blindfolded during the song, and the kids are running around so I can't catch them. Every night, I pray they don't get the idea to push me into the orchestra.

4:35 Just finished my last song. A little bittersweet, as I know how many weeks it took to get my music ready-- hours of singing along with the CD, going to rehearsal, memorizing lyrics, forgetting lyrics, re-memorizing lyrics.

4:36 Just so you know, actors sweat on stage like crazy. It's a sweatshop. We look like we're training for the Tour de France.

5:25 Show's over. We get a nice standing ovation-- that makes four for four-- and it really makes you smile and appreciate theater. Plus, I got a lot of kind words from the crowd afterward. One girl wondered if I was 40 years old ("No, that's just the mustache tricking you," I said). Several wondered if I've ever been told I look like Ben Affleck (Yep. A lot).

5:30 Packing up my things. Another show in the books, and who knows when my next one will be or what show I'll do. I hear they are looking for whores in "Best Little Whorehouse," but I'm tired of being typecasted.

To discuss Fake Andy Shaw of the Month: Fabulous April edition

Fake Andy Shaw of the Month

With the recent news of my return to musical theater, what better candidate for Andy Shaw of the Month* than this Andy Shaw...

... who, according to Feast of Fools, is a gay musical theater actor and is inexplicably holding a can of turkey gravy.

I have no idea what this means, really: "Andy is hot. So hot in fact he joined Marc this past Pride Parade in Chicago to help pass out mashed potatoes and gravy to the Good People of the World."

Is that a euphemism, or did they really pass out food?

Also, there's this: "So we had to ask to Andy, do young gay men get annoyed when SLIGHTLY older peers refer to them cattily as “chicken?” Andy didn’t know what the term meant."

This Andy doesn't either. So does this mean that KFC is really just an insider joint for gay cougars? What are much younger gay men called? Eggs? And are macho gay men called roosters? So much to know still.

I'm fully aware I'm one of the few straight men who do musical theater. At one point in life, it gave me a distinct advantage with the ladies: "Hey, just so you know, I can sing, act and I like boobies." Now that I am in a relationship, I'll just let other actors guess. It's more fun that way. But I am not going to hold anyone's drumstick.**

* Fake Andy Shaw of the Month, for new people, is my recurring ode to the many guys out there with the same name as me. Here's a sample.
** Hey-yooo!

To discuss musicals: Who would you be?

I have an audition tomorrow.

After a lengthy layoff, I'm going to foray (what a good word, right?) back into musical theater. This means one of the following:

1) I have too much time on my hands and figure I might as well find something to do at night...

No, that's not it.

2) I recently discovered I'm gay and wanted to express myself with dance and song.

No, that's not it, either. One of out of one Capricorn would agree.

3) I was getting tired of singing during normal, everyday conversations and not having anyone sing back, so I thought I better take to the stage before people think I'm crazy.

No, but we should start doing that.

4) I miss doing theater, and, although I'm busy, thought I better get back into it now before I lose my touch.

Yeah, that's more like it. I'm auditioning for "The Sound of Music." I have no hope of being one of the children, because I've hit already hit puberty and if I have to wear one of those little Austrian costumes, it's going to look like I'm smuggling an Edelweiss in my pants.

I'm not a woman, so I can't be Maria, which is fine, because those nun costumes don't complement my figure. And she has to run all over the mountains, which sounds like a lot of work.

That really just leaves Max and the Captain. I was upset to find out the Captain doesn't wear a hat like Captain Crunch, which makes his part slightly less appealing. Max, however, has a sweet mustache in the movie. That makes his part more appealing.

But here's my question for you: If you could have your life emulate a character in any musical (regardless if its still running, a live show or a movie), what would it be?

Judging by comments you've left on this blog over the months, I'd say some of you are Roxie Hart from "Chicago" (lots of heart and ambition, and you may or may not have been in prison for killing a man), some of you are Elle Woods from "Legally Blonde: The Musical" (you say silly things, but you're hot and well-educated, so we laugh it off) and some of you are extras in "Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" (cause you're kind of whorish). A choice few of you are puppets in "Avenue Q" who would sing "The Internet Is for Porn." I think you know who you are.

I'd go with the Phantom, from The Phantom of the Opera, for my life. You get dramatic music every time you enter a room, you only have to worry about how half of your face looks, you get to WEAR A FREAKING CAPE, you sing nice songs, you've got a hot mistress who is totally under your spell and comes down for post-show booty calls, you live in a labyrinth, and you get to swing from chandeliers. I don't see much of a downside, minus the whole people are trying to kill me thing.