To discuss making appropriate song selections for your audience

I kick-started my semi-professional singing career last night and boy were my feet tired oh andy that's a dumb old person joke stop making a fool of yourself.

I got asked to be the third person in a trio that does a several paid shows each year for organizations and clubs looking for entertainment. Of course, they could get cheaper entertainment by watching America's Next Top Model, but who am I to argue?

We had our first practice last night, picking songs for our show in mid-October. The show is for a womens' club full of elderly ladies... basically, my biggest fans.

Unfortunately, this meant two things:
A) I won't be able to ask for them to throw their panties at me like a rock star. No one needs to see that.
B) I won't be able to sing from the T-Pain catalog. "I'm gonna buy you a drank/Might make it that Ovaltine!"

I begrudgingly settled on what some people might consider "classics of American theater." We're doing selections primarily from "Oklahoma" and "Annie Get Your Gun," which should let me bust out some leather assless chaps.

The older audiences love those kind of Broadway standards, the same way Mariah Carey loves making career comebacks nobody requested.* You cater to what they want.

Since I'm always trying to prepare for the future, I thought I'd assemble some appropriate song choices for other types of audiences, trying to stick to the Broadway tunes, our group's focus.

Before I run the songs by my group, however, I thought I'd let you tell me what you think of these songs for the respective party host. That, and you guys seem to enjoy your musical-themed posts.

• Paula Abdul: "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going," Dreamgirls
• Anyone standing next to Megan Fox at an event: "Mr. Cellophane" Chicago
• Real World cast: "Will I Lose My Dignity?" Rent
• "18 & Counting's" Duggar family: "You'll Never Walk Alone" Carousel
• Tara Reid: "I'm Just a Girl (Who Can't Say No)" Oklahoma
• Donatella Versace: "I've Grown Accustomed to Her Face" My Fair Lady
• Kim Kardashian: "The Internet Is for Porn," Avenue Q
• Kate Gosselin: "Woe Is Me," The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
  
• Christina Hendricks: "When You Got It, Flaunt It" The Producers
• Brett Favre: " I Want the Good Times Back," The Little Mermaid

Please feel free to add suggestions. It's for the good of my singing career!

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* See-- if you read yesterday's post, you'll know this is an appropriate joke.

To discuss a Weekend Update Part II: Weddings, Traffic and Bye Bye Bye

This is part II of my Weekend Update. To read about my exploits while touring Mt. Vernon, go here. To have Joe investigate the mysterious noise in the cave, turn to page 37. To read about my time at my friend Steve's wedding, continue here.

Backstory: All my friends are now married or getting married.*

Another one, Steve, took the wedding plunge last Saturday in Richmond. I met Steve when we both lived in Connecticut-- we did a few shows together, and I sang with him at his church. I've since moved to Pennsylvania, and he's since moved to Virginia. His wedding would be the first time I've seen him since we moved away. Capricorn couldn't make the trip because of work, so I was flying this one solo (she told me to stay away from bridesmaids).
Steve and his bride met through church choir. He proposed at a choir practice by singing an original song with the choir as back-up. Romantic stuff.

And now, a recap of the weekend:

• The church is about 3 hours, 45 minutes from where I live; Google said it might take an extra hour in the inevitable D.C.-area traffic. I left at 11:15 to get there by 4 p.m. I got stuck in traffic for an hour, but only needed to go 6 miles in about 35 minutes. Wouldn't you know it, there was an accident. Now down to 4 miles in 15 minutes. Wouldn't you know it, there was another accident.
• I pulled into the church with an urge to pee not unlike a horse with an overactive bladder listening to a running faucet. But more urgently, it was 4:02. I walked inside the lobby, and saw the bridal party about to enter the sanctuary. The first time I had ever seen Steve's bride was while I was scooting past her. I snuck in a side door to the sanctuary.
• Quick flashback: While getting ready, I decided to wear a dress shirt, khakis and tie, as this is a summer wedding in Virginia for a young couple. Back to present: I surveyed the sanctuary. Every. single. guy. was wearing a jacket. The only guy not wearing one happened to be five-years-old and had a juice box. Sweet.
• Because I was running behind, I didn't have a program. That became an issue when we were all asked to sing a hymn using lyrics printed in the program. No worries-- this is at a Presbyterian church, and I grew up Presbyterian. All you need to do is repeat words and phrases like "God Almighty," "meadows and the hills," "blessed Jesus," and "casseroles available in the vestibule."
• Beautiful, traditional wedding. Steve's grinning like an idiot-- we should all be so lucky.
• Now it's time for the Lord's Prayer. This is always an interesting time when you're with a random group of people at an unfamiliar church, no matter the denomination. It's a guessing game, and the hesitation is palpable: "Geez, do we say trespasses? Or are these debts and debtors kind of people?" I usually do a nice amalgamation: "despasses" and "trebts." God knows what's what.
• Reception time: Did I mention the only people I know are all in the wedding party? Fortunately, seating arrangements had groomsmen and bridesmaid sitting amongst everyone else, so I had the three people I knew with me. Good thing too, as you can only get by for so long on, "So, how do you know the bride and groom?"
  
• If it wasn't clear yet that Steve and his bride met at church, maybe this is a hint: The DJ (DJ is used loosely these days. They use their iTunes playlists) announced he would be taking requests... as long as those requests are "super clean secular music or Christian music." There goes my request for Kelis' "Milkshake" and Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me."
• I'm afraid that if I get married and don't have the YMCA and Cha Cha Slide played, there will be anarchy.
• Steve busted out a new version of his proposal song, this time using lyrics about how happy he is to be married, and using groomsmen as a cappela back-up. Legendary.
• And then, dear friends, there was this epic moment. Continuing on the music theme, the groomsmen and I convinced Steve to break out his old *NSYNC "Bye Bye Bye" routine. That's right-- all of us had an impromptu boy band concert for the crowd, hand gestures and all. Admit it. You are jealous.
• Congratulations to the bride and groom... I hope you have a great life together.
  

* Give or take a few. But it seems to be a good estimate.
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