To discuss things I know at the age of 27

I recently had a guy mistake me as someone who is 22, not 27. Considering how young 22 sounds now, I was both flattered and confused.

I also spent the weekend reliving some of my college glory, however fleeting and completely in my head it was.

Then I was flipping through Esquire's cool feature* with women ages 18, 27, 35 and 44 offering advice on what they've learned and what they think of life at their age.

* Esquire, how often do I have to flatter you before you read my blog and decide to hire me? I'm not above blowing you**.

** kisses.

Damn it if that's not all perfect blog fodder (Reality is just a series of events leading up to blog post ideas, after all, as Jenners might say).

So let me offer to you ...

Things I Know At the Age of 27

• High school wasn't nearly as dramatic as I thought it was, and college was more dramatic than it needed to be. But at no point did any of it resemble "Dawson's Creek"
• Devon Sawa and Jonathan Taylor Thomas will never live up to their early potential. Danielle Fishel remains strangely alluring.
• My childhood references qualify as nostalgic. I'm not sure how to take that.
• There is no preparation upon college graduation that gets you ready for the next phase of life. No, not the work phase. The "I suddenly care about laundry detergent effectiveness" phase of living on your own
• Boobs are as magical now as they were a decade ago, but cleavage itself has become sexier
• Check that: A confident woman has become sexier
• Life is easier with a dog in it
• Life is more expensive with a dog in it
• Checking insurance rates every year is worthwhile and can save you a lot of money
• Earning more money only means spending more money, not actually having more money
• It's also worthwhile to threaten the cable company with canceling your account every year so they lower your rates
• I've saved myself hundreds of dollars since I graduated college by haggling with everyone from credit card companies to mechanics. I didn't learn to haggle to be miserly. I did it because I couldn't afford otherwise
• I will never feel successful enough
• Aunt Becky on Full House got drunk one night and had a one-night stand with either Danny or Joey or both. This I cannot be dissuaded from.
• The Pittsburgh Pirates will never be good again. I will never stop rooting for them.
• I enjoy complaining about being exhausted
• I wouldn't care about what's going on with 80 percent of my Facebook friends if Facebook didn't exist, and they wouldn't care about me. And that's not a bad thing
• Women will never truly have nothing wrong when they say nothing is wrong
• Women don't find it sexy when a man is needy, is without ambition, or is on Celebrity Fit Club.
• Women aren't more or less complicated than they were when I was a teenager. They are just more in tune with what they don't like about themselves and more likely to know what they don't like about you.
• 23-year-old self should have held on to that paid-off Camry until it died.
• I was a fool to think I was a good writer coming out of college. And in a decade, I'll realize I was a fool to think I was a good blog writer.
• My married friends have the same problems I do, but with one other person to commiserate with
• MTV is no longer targeting my demographic.
• TLC is targeting my demographic.
• I think about demographics now.
• Organic milk last much longer in the fridge than regular milk, which alone makes it worth buying.
• People don't think often enough about where their food came from or what's in it. The grapes in my grocery store are from Chile. The salmon in the frozen food section was farmed. That doesn't mean both don't taste good, but I can't eat things in ignorance like I used to.
• That doesn't mean I can't eat Burger King. Let's not get f****** crazy.
• It's not Jesus that makes me second-guess using f-bombs in blogs. It's the people worshiping Jesus.
• Some of the nicest, kindest people you will ever meet are church goers. Some of the most misguided, narrow-minded people you will ever meet are church goers. The hypocritical ones who give church a bad name are the people who think they are acting out the former when they are really the latter.
• The song "Jesus Take the Wheel" assumes Jesus has a valid license.
• The president of the United States has much less of a direct impact on my life than state Senators and Representatives. And even they don't have as much of a direct impact as CEOs of major corporations that set market value for things I consume on a daily basis. But I can't vote for or against those people. That's why real change will never happen - we aren't set up that way.
• Guys my age are starting to complain about thinning or graying hair, aching bones, and growing bellies. But all we really care about, but will never discuss, is when erectile dysfunction will kick in

Now it's your turn... blog post or comment it up and let me know what you've learned by your age. Or the age you pretend you are.

To discuss potentially the best lost dog classified ad ever

The following is an actual classified that actually appeared in a daily newspaper (not mine) last month. To not share it with you would be both criminal and shameful. Everything appears exactly as it was printed in what surely was one of the most expensive classified ads of the year (Considering it's usually a per character charge, you'd think she would go easy on the exclamation points). My thoughts are in italics.

Dog Still Missing

German Shepherd Mix REWARD!!!

How to Recognize GUMBONE:

1. Holding any treat, ask him to sit, then ask him a question? He will shake his head yes or no.

"Hey Gumbone, did you run away? *shakes head* "Are you thirsty?" *nods head* "What are your thoughts on the clean-up efforts of the Gulf Coast oil spill?" *growls*

2. By now, he will have torn someone's house apart, starting with the food garbage, stuffed animals, dolls, pillows, carved wood, any food left on the counter, anything left on any surface.

Including babies and ungirded loins.

3. He will eat: cat poop, cow poop, horse poop, birdseed, flowers, balls, branches, toys, pencils, papers, photos, wires & anything plastic? You get the idea!

My God, I do. You have a Great White shark/earthworm/goat dog mix. But I do wonder how you observed him eating all this and never thought to, say, tell him that's bad. Why was he so often near poop?

4. He likes to break fences, jump up on counters, beds, sofas & large chairs.

We're a Charles Grodin away from a Beethoven sequel.

5. He will roll in any kind of poop, or anything that is dead, rotting or full of maggots.

Please tell me the dead, rotting, full of maggots animals aren't on your property and that he likes to break fences and scurry down the road to find dead poopy possums. Please. The alternative just sent a shiver down my spine.

YOU MIGHT WONDER WHY on God's green earth I would want THIS dog back?

I have a feeling the dog might be wondering the same about you.

I don't have any kids & would you get rid of a problem child?

Macaulay Caulkin in "Home Alone" was a problem child. You have Macaulay Caulkin in "The Good Son."

PLEASE Ask 3 people you know if they've seen this little guy. I am offering a reward if you can believe it.

No, no I don't.

Ed. note: Now it gets even weirder. Seriously.

I am in touch with a gal whose dog tracks, so please CALL WITH SIGHTINGS! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel that he is alive & think someone has felt pity & taken him in for the winter. I've tried to do a profile: I believe it is a woman living alone (a man would have kicked him out by now) who doesn't see well to read, who is regretting her decision but can't let him go due to the weather.

So, basically, you're profiling yourself. And how exactly will running a newspaper classified help if the woman can't see well enough to read?

Gumbone is lovable, but I'm sure she won't mind getting rid of him by now.......................

Yeah, how can she pass up a dog ripping apart her house and eating all the finest poop?

Hopefully, he'll run away from her too and I won't have to pay for damages incurred.

Except you supplied your contact information and a description of the dog in a newspaper. Other than that, foolproof.

Also, this little guy is sneaky. If this woman has him, she is probably questioning her mental capabilities.

Seriously, is this "woman" a self-profile?

He can gulp an entire loaf of bread & hide the bag in the time it takes to answer the phone for a wrong number. Now where did I put that darn loaf? I shudder to think if she wears Dentures!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you worried the dog would eat the dentures, or use the dentures to help chew the bread? And why would you be leaving food out in the open when yo... aw, screw it.

a/k/a Gumbo, Puppy, Gooney! Mostly black & tan, 2.5 years, neutered mle, 55 lbs., hair haunches, maybe collar with red heart & ID, friendly. Does not bite!

Unless you are poop. Then you're yourself out of luck.

Will let you catch him if you give him food... even fruit!!!

Now the dog is a healthy eater?

---------------------------

Ed. note: I hope the dog returned, because it sure sounds like this woman needs him. But it would be a great loss to the classified ad industry.

To discuss a Weekend Update: Reunions, baby making and effeminate drinking

I think I have officially made it as a blogger.

One of my friends, who I'll refer to as Teacher, said her goal this past weekend was to do something noteworthy that would make it into my blog.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's do a Cliffs Notes version of a Weekend Update, in which I drove across Pennsylvania for my annual get-together with some college friends (here's what happened last year).

• I almost hit a coyote on the turnpike on my way over. At first, I thought it was a dog. While slowing down, I thought it was a wolf, but the ACME rocket and lack of a brooding Robert Pattinson nearby gave it away. Fortunately, nobody hit it, and it scampered back into the woods.
• Unlike the past few years, when we either all stayed at a hotel or just made it a day trip, we stayed at someone's house this time. This was made possible because they own a house. Which leads me to the next point:
• Eight of us got together: Three married couples and then one girl (who I'll refer to as No. 1) and myself. No. 1 and I spent most of the weekend teasing the married couples about their "relationship stability" and their "plans for having babies at some point soon." Which leads me to the next point:
• Teacher (Hey, you did it!) pointed out there is a magazine made just for people trying to conceive: The Bump. Sample community forum post: "Is it OK to force myself upon my DH? ... +OPK this AM, -OPK this PM." I have no idea what that means, beyond possible husband rape
• While I wish all of my friends best of luck in their birth control-free lovemaking, an entire magazine dedicated to making babies blows my mind. Not because conceiving is easy- some of you have blogged about how very difficult it can be - but because I'd think it would just make all the women much more neurotic and stressed.
• I love the phrase "trying to get pregnant." It's like church people one day decided they wanted to pray for young married couples who wanted to start a family, but didn't want to actually say the word "sex" in church. I wonder if Mary's parents said "God and Mary are trying to get pregnant."
• We all played a fun, cynical game called "Engaged, Married, Divorced, Baby," where we tried to update on the gossip of former classmates. As I don't fit in one of those categories, I spent the game in purgatory.
• Since we didn't have to go anywhere Friday night, we sat around a campfire and drank Arbor Mist and margaritas and smoked Swisher Sweets. I think I won for the most consumed on all three counts. Unfortunately, I discovered later there was neither a competition or a ribbon for the winner. And that I evidently drink and smoke like an elderly gay man.
• No. 1 and I were asked to speak to journalism students about our careers in journalism. We advised them to get into P.R.
• I stabbed a hobo.
• Just making sure you're still reading. Anyway, the college's campus has been ridiculously updated, with a new fitness center, dorms, etc ... which is funny, because I keep getting letters in the mail asking for donations. I refuse to do so until I have enough money to get something named after me. Like a urinal. Or a snow cone machine.
• Staying up past midnight two nights in a row nearly killed us all.

P.S. The Daring Domesticate and her husband were our hosts for the weekend; check out her blog ... Also, a reminder: If you include your e-mail address when you make comments, I promise to personally respond.