To discuss babies, babies everywhere

A married couple I went to college with recently announced they are having a baby - a funny phrase, if you think about it... if I ever am expecting a child with my wife, I think I'll "proclaim a little baby is going to show up in nine months and I've got dibs."

This is very exciting news, and they are the first among the small group of college friends I meet with every year to be expecting a baby. We really should have placed bets on that, but I'm sure that's unethical and easy to rig.

It also signals, however, a changing of the guard. Next time we all meet up, we'll likely have a baby amongst us, and that'll make it harder to drink rum and smoke cigars (I could just rub some rum on the baby's gums... don't want anyone to feel excluded... I'm going to make a great dad!)

And within weeks, I'll also be an uncle, as my sister is super preggy right now. That's a lot of babies coming into my life, and yet I have little experience with them outside of watching "Rugrats," and I sincerely doubt my nephew will let me call him Tommy Pickles. Wait, I did watch "Muppet Babies" when I was a kid, so I think that counts. I still wonder what the nanny looked like. A friend and I recently agreed she must have been a fox.

So with my little experience and an upcoming need for knowledge, please help me. Provide any baby knowledge I might need. I know some of you *cough* AmyXXOO *cough* are new parents, so that will help. Even if you just date someone who acts like a baby, I'll take it.

What should I expect? What should I tell these babies? How long until I tell them about sex - 6 weeks? 8 weeks? Is it socially acceptable to buy them a Power Wheels and then drive it to work myself? Should I keep my shirt on to avoid nipple confusion? How long does crate training take? Is it advisable to take them to a tanning salon "just to get a base," like on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"? If the baby turns out to be ugly, is there an exchange policy? Should I start messing with the baby's psyche now to set them up for a lifetime of lowered expectations so that they never become more successful than me? Would it be OK to "borrow" the baby so I can drive in High Occupancy Vehicle lanes? Can I tell them Lindsay Lohan is the most beloved actress in Hollywood and should be emulated, just to see what happens? Can I drop them off at the Jolie/Pitt residence to see if they get taken in, and then years later claim them for my own and demand millions in compensation? Should I baby-proof my house by wrapping everything in bubble wrap, including my dog? Can I read them Disney fairy tales but convince them it's all real and that if you bite an apple you'll fall into a deep sleep and some really short people will totally creep on you?

Please help. Thanks.

To discuss a Weekend Update: Reunions, baby making and effeminate drinking

I think I have officially made it as a blogger.

One of my friends, who I'll refer to as Teacher, said her goal this past weekend was to do something noteworthy that would make it into my blog.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's do a Cliffs Notes version of a Weekend Update, in which I drove across Pennsylvania for my annual get-together with some college friends (here's what happened last year).

• I almost hit a coyote on the turnpike on my way over. At first, I thought it was a dog. While slowing down, I thought it was a wolf, but the ACME rocket and lack of a brooding Robert Pattinson nearby gave it away. Fortunately, nobody hit it, and it scampered back into the woods.
• Unlike the past few years, when we either all stayed at a hotel or just made it a day trip, we stayed at someone's house this time. This was made possible because they own a house. Which leads me to the next point:
• Eight of us got together: Three married couples and then one girl (who I'll refer to as No. 1) and myself. No. 1 and I spent most of the weekend teasing the married couples about their "relationship stability" and their "plans for having babies at some point soon." Which leads me to the next point:
• Teacher (Hey, you did it!) pointed out there is a magazine made just for people trying to conceive: The Bump. Sample community forum post: "Is it OK to force myself upon my DH? ... +OPK this AM, -OPK this PM." I have no idea what that means, beyond possible husband rape
• While I wish all of my friends best of luck in their birth control-free lovemaking, an entire magazine dedicated to making babies blows my mind. Not because conceiving is easy- some of you have blogged about how very difficult it can be - but because I'd think it would just make all the women much more neurotic and stressed.
• I love the phrase "trying to get pregnant." It's like church people one day decided they wanted to pray for young married couples who wanted to start a family, but didn't want to actually say the word "sex" in church. I wonder if Mary's parents said "God and Mary are trying to get pregnant."
• We all played a fun, cynical game called "Engaged, Married, Divorced, Baby," where we tried to update on the gossip of former classmates. As I don't fit in one of those categories, I spent the game in purgatory.
• Since we didn't have to go anywhere Friday night, we sat around a campfire and drank Arbor Mist and margaritas and smoked Swisher Sweets. I think I won for the most consumed on all three counts. Unfortunately, I discovered later there was neither a competition or a ribbon for the winner. And that I evidently drink and smoke like an elderly gay man.
• No. 1 and I were asked to speak to journalism students about our careers in journalism. We advised them to get into P.R.
• I stabbed a hobo.
• Just making sure you're still reading. Anyway, the college's campus has been ridiculously updated, with a new fitness center, dorms, etc ... which is funny, because I keep getting letters in the mail asking for donations. I refuse to do so until I have enough money to get something named after me. Like a urinal. Or a snow cone machine.
• Staying up past midnight two nights in a row nearly killed us all.

P.S. The Daring Domesticate and her husband were our hosts for the weekend; check out her blog ... Also, a reminder: If you include your e-mail address when you make comments, I promise to personally respond.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Teen Mom season finale

Jersey Shore wrapped up last week.

Teen Mom is wrapping up this week.

What in the world am I supposed to do next week? I already watched The Pregnancy Pact. I guess I'll get by, somehow. Here's last week's recap, if you missed it. Baby recap: Leah- Amber/Gary; Carly- Catelynn/Tyler; Bentley- Maci/Deadbeat Ryan; Sophia-Farrah/Her mom. Let's get all Teen Mom up in this piece. It's the extended-length season finale.

:01 Leah can now say "Mama," which is adorable. And soon, she'll be able to say other frequently-heard words, like "Gary" "useless" and "domestic violence."
:04 Farrah is tired of being a single mom. I don't think she should worry, though. It's only a matter of time before Slade and Gretchen break up and he moves on to the next housewife. She could be next!
:05 Maci's friend asks what we've all been wondering: Why does she keep going back to Ryan? There's a long awkward pause, before Maci says it's for Baby Bentley. I'm now convinced Ryan is secretly playing subliminal messages while Maci sleeps: "You loooove Ryan. You love his chewing tobacco. And you love his inability to articulate. Stay with him no matter what."
:07 For some reason, I like Butch. And I'm not just saying that in case he reads this and decides he wants to murder me... Butch thinks Tyler is silly for wanting to propose to Catelynn. Yes, because at this point, those two kids are just in puppy love, Butch.
:08 Teen Mom Finale special with Dr. Drew? Yes, please. Amber might be pregnant, Farrah is still boyless, Ryan hates Maci, Catelynn might get to hold her baby. It's all gold. I kinda think Ryan and Farrah will hook up. Just an early prediction.
:15 Gary is crying as he talks about how he misses Amber. Is he thinking of the Amber I'm thinking of? She yells at him for breathing ... Amber is putting her GED on hold so she can have time to work and criticize Gary. I mean, there's only so much time in the day.
:23 Catelynn and Tyler again show their maturity by being happy to see photos of Carly with her adoption family. Don't they know that ruins the fun? What good is Teen Mom if people are reasonable and sane?
:33 I'll just put this out here. Leah looks like Gary.
:34 Maci says she and her mom spent about $200 on Bentley's 1st birthday party (pictured on right), not including presents. I'm turning 27 in two Saturdays, and I might not even have $200, total. Should I ask Maci to adopt me? Is that weird?
:38 Farrah takes Sophia to the zoo for more mommy/daughter time. Sophia is incredulous to this "Mommy wants to be around me" development, and demands MTV return her real mommy by the end of this episode.
:41 See, Gary and Amber have the right thought. They are going to Family Dollar for Leah's birthday party supplies. Ya see, Maci? Note that Gary, who isn't even with Amber anymore, still volunteers to help with the birthday stuff. Ya see, Ryan? Ryan? You still alive? Blink twice and mumble something if you are... OK, good.
:44 Farrah,who calls herself a MILF, and her sister are both single. I smell a spinoff show. "Date my Mommy/Auntie," with Sophia crawling to whichever boy she wants to send off on a date. And the boy must go through an interview with Farrah's mom. And, just for good measure, with Butch, too.
:45 Baby Bentley gets a Halloween birthday party. Maci dressed up as ... a naughty school girl? And Ryan dressed up as ... kind of a douche? What a strange party.
:54 We're near the hour mark, and Amber hasn't busted out crying Asian face. This is the saddest development since Kelly and Zack broke up at the prom so she could date Jeff.
1:02 Don't think for a second I'd let Farrah's mom's fur coat slip past me. Because of animal rights? No- because of fashion rights! It looked like she had a family of foxes biting her shoulders.
1:03 Hold the phone. Did Maci always have that upper lip stud in? ... It looks like Maci and Ryan are going to break up. What's next, Brad and Angelina? Oops.
1:11 There are an absurd amount of nutcrackers in Farrah's house. Take a look during the repeats. It's borderline creepy.
1:13 OK, Tyler is ridiculously sweet. And now he is going to propose to Catelynn ... just as soon as they watch a video on how to tie a necktie. "I never wore a tie in my life... 'cept 'dem snap-on ones!" Butch says. How can you not love this guy! Wait, don't answer that.
1:20 Ryan has gray hairs on his head. I know this, because he is doing his usual "look down at the ground and avoid eye contact during an argument" thing. "Can you not see that it kills me?" Maci says to Ryan about his lack of care. Ryan gives a half-hearted apology. Maci leaves. That was horrible, and I only had to watch it, not live it. Hey, at least when Bentley gets older, he can look back fondly at other parts of this episode... well, some of this episode ... well, he got a cool haircut.
1:22 Gary apologizes, and even uses the word "empathy." Amber says she's not going to run back to him like she always does, and seems more or less unmoved by his speech. I don't know who this Amber is, but I would like my old one back. Preferably the hysterically emotional one.
1:24 OK, I'll admit I almost just Asian Ambered when Tyler gave his heartfelt proposal. And, unlike Gary, he didn't get his ring at Wal-mart (with a return receipt, don't forget). He even took her to a classy restaurant. Can I marry Tyler?

So, should I do a recap of the reunion special? Let me know. And Tyler? E-mail me. XOXO.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Teen Mom is your baby daddy

You are all finally coming out of the woodwork and admitting you like Teen Mom. I know you left me high and dry during the premiere, like I was the only one who indulged in watching teenagers squabble about babies. But now, I know it, and you know it. You loves yous some Teen Mom.
Well, there's a bit of good news for you, then, which you'll find out toward the end of the show. Here we go:

:01 Amber is already yelling at Gary, this time for, uh, breathing or existing. These kids are going to make it, I just know it ... Amber has to take Leah to her job interview at the salon, and says she's great at multitasking - as she gets distracted by her baby.
:02 Baby Bentley can walk at age 1. No wonder- he's trying to escape from Ryan. Now Maci wants to put Bentley in daycare so she can get school work done. Too bad Leah and Bentley can't attend the same day care: "Fail Care: You Make 'Em, We Take 'Em"
:05 Does the camera man just sit there and film Farrah sleeping? And do you notice she sleeps with makeup on? Meanwhile, Farrah's mom comes in to choke and shove Farrah feed Sophia.
:06 Catelynn says "I wish our baby was here" every episode. New drinking game! (Other drinking games: Every time Amber yells at Gary... Every time Amber does her crying Asian face ... Every time Farrah has a date... Every time Ryan rolls his eyes)
:12 "Do you want me to slit your throat, cause I will," Maci says of Ryan. Maci, now it's on film. You have no alibi when you inevitably murder him.
:13 Air Force recruiter to Tyler, as he gestures to Catelynn: "Is this your... " Tyler: "Girlfriend." Correct answer: "Kinda my sister, but that's just semantics."
:15 Baby Leah is shirtless more than the Girls Gone Wild cast. Gary is trying to convince Amber he loves her by arguing with her. Surprisingly, she doesn't drop her pants and beg him to make sweet Gary love to her.
:21 Amber doesn't want to rely on government assistance, which is commendable. So why doesn't she just ask MTV for her own spin-off show to make money? "The Gary Gets Smacked Show"? I'd watch it. You would, too.
:25 Farrah has excuses for everything her mom blames her for. I have yet to hear her excuse about why she wears so much eyeliner.
:28 I can't believe this, but I think Ryan might have a point -- Maci didn't look like she was trying hard to pass her classes before she decided to drop out. I just agreed with Ryan. Please adjust your Mayan end-of-the-world calendars accordingly.
:29 Amber is apartment hunting, which makes me wish she and Gary would go on "House Hunters." Sample voiceover: "Gary likes House #1, because he can lock himself in the basement away from Amber, while Amber likes House #3, which has extra room for her to relax in when she feels overAsianed. What house will they choose? Who the **** knows?"
:34 Maybe Maci should sell her Fast & Furious car to have extra money for daycare.
:36 Tyler is going to give Catelynn an engagement ring ... except he's not going to propose ... so it's like a promise ring ... and he wants to be with her forever. I think that's the plan. Tyler, if you put yourself back on the dating market, you'd have more 17-year-old girls lined up than you could shake a cockeyed hat at.
:39 Gary says he's a resentful person and he doesn't want to be around Amber. That makes Amber cry. Asian face! Drink up!
:44 Farrah uses the Craigslist Omaha page! Somebody check the "Casual Encounters" page for recent activity, asap! ... Farrah has it the nicest of all the Teen Moms - paid bills, in-house babysitter - and yet says she can't stand it and wants to move out. I can kinda sorta see why Farrah's mom choked her (and shoved her in 16 and Pregnant). Doesn't make it right, but...
:48 Amber officially moved out of Casa de Gary, officially ending the War on Terror.
:49 Holy crap! Ten new girls on the new season of "16 & Pregnant," debuting next month! Like manna from heaven, except its bastard kids! P.S. Didn't those girls watch the show last year and think, "Hey, maybe I shouldn't get preggers in high school?"
:54 Tyler is picking out rings. He has $1,700 saved up. Suddenly, I'm envious of a 17-year-old who can't even grow facial hair yet.
:55 Farrah looks at apartments, and realizes how nice she has it. That's only natural, considering she was looking at a frat house and what appears to be a brothel.
:58 Amber gets the salon job as a front desk receptionist. At this point, I'm hoping for a crossover event with Tabitha's Salon Takeover.

Next week: Season finale...

To discuss bowling for babies...

I have no fatherly qualifications for saying this, other than watching Father of the Bride I and II (Oh, George Banks. Won't you ever learn?), but is it a smart idea to bring infants to a bowling alley?
I went bowling at Colony Park Lanes in York tonight with Adam and Rachel, whom I must mention by name because the sheer pin-obliterating beat down they put on me demands my respect and casual name-dropping. Adam at one point had five strikes in a row, and finished a game with a 199-- not the 200 he'll tell his grandkids one day in a failed attempt at respect and admiration.
Rachel frequently crushed me as well, with a combination of looks saying "oh, I'm not really that good" to let my guard down and "oh, go figure, another spare!" to make me cry inside like seeing so many dead puppies.
But we all wondered why, on glow bowling night with lasers, loud music, smoking and cursing creating a tapestry of blue collar entertainment, there were people bringing their infants. Not that I don't agree that parents of babies need to get out. But babies at the bowling alley? It's a guaranteed future bout of either emphysema, seizures, trucker mouth or a career managing Dollar General.
Of course, as usual when I bowl, there's always a little kid nearby who is smoking me. I hate those kids. Yeah, I'm talking to you "Oh I knocked down 8 pins and you only knocked down one... " I saw you.
Next time I go to the bowling alley, I'm using bumpers.
I also found out that Colony Park Lanes (using the specificity for Google search, not for free advertising) is hosting pro bowlers this month, much to the joy of Wal-mart customers. We've established that my bowling game is on par with toddlers, sure. And any person who can consistently knock down 10 pins that seem at times like a Weeble-Wobble gets some respect.
But when a young guy is growing up, does he ever tell his friends, "Sure, sure. You keep dunking on me. You keep throwing perfect spirals, and dreaming of your millions. I'm practicing knocking down the 7-10 split. There's a $2,500 check in my future (That's ALL for the top winner at the York event), and it's all mine."
I think the pro bowlers used to be Little Leaguers who couldn't cut it, so they joined the high school golf team, and couldn't cut it, so they joined the college chess team, and couldn't cut it. So, out of options, they started bowling regularly and figured out that the key to being a good bowler is... bowling regularly. Brilliant.
Do bowlers get groupies? Do they call themselves Kingpin in bed? Cause there's all kinds of possibilities there.
Hmm... I could use $2,500 right about now. And groupies.