Thursday, November 20, 2008

To discuss the No Ordinary ARS Chase co-blog. Enter: Men. Exit: Legends

For the intro to this co-blog event on advice for manly men from a gay guy and a metrosexual dude, check yesterday's post....As a caveat for regular readers here, this is a little spicier than my normal stuff. And yet, you'll read on anyway, because you're a little devil. I like that...

Okay, Ben of No Ordinary Rollercoaster goes first with his advice... Again, B is for Ben, A is for Andy.

B: First off, and this one's a little self-serving, be comfortable with your sexuality. This means being open to doing less than macho things. Investing in her interests does not make you gay no matter how much your single, loser buddies suggest it might. Trust me, going for a romantic evening stroll with your lady doesn't make her forget that you have a penis (I think this might be the first time that word has been used on my blog).

A: I've always said, doing girly things doesn't make you gay. Making out with other guys makes you gay. (B: I did not know this). So man up, fellas. If you're dating the lady, you don't need to prove you're a man's man by scoffing at romantic stuff. Being a considerate, romantic guy willing to be vulnerable is what really makes you a man's man. And chest hair, which I do not have (B: Ironically women seem to like knowing that you CAN grow chest hair but would rather you didn't have any at all like Zac Effron. I can only assume this means that all women are child predators)…And congrats on using an adult word, Ben.

B: Second, much like the first, being pleasant to her gay friends ups your appeal by about 85%. Don't you know that not liking gay people these days is like not liking puppies? THAT MEANS YOU CALIFORNIA. Seriously. (A: So, to be clear here, are you a little bitter? B: Meh. I can get married 'til the cows come home up here) Being cool with her gay friend dropping the occasional flirt in your direction reminds her that you're so attractive that men are into you. That makes you a valuable commodity. In laymen's terms, YOU GET NAUGHTY TIME!

A: And by naughty time, he means that activity your parents did to create you… Anyway, this is an interesting point. Really, you should try to at least be friendly with her friends. She wants to know you are cool with the important people in her life- straight, gay, transsexual, robot or character on The Hills. (B: Actually, it's your duty as a human being to punch any character on The Hills in the face if given the chance).

I know I haven't had problems getting along with gay guys. They love me. A lot. Thank you, Connecticut- I got asked out by more gay guys than straight girls. (B: Do you want to grab a coffee sometime? A: (awkward silence, then subtle nod))

B: Third, make her feel sexy on a regular basis. Just telling her how hot she is when you want to get some is tragically transparent. If you make her feel as sexy as you know she is on a regular basis, her confidence, excitement and playfulness will skyrocket. This means REAL kisses – none of that junior high school crap - for no reason, looking her in the eye and telling her something about her that gives you dirty thoughts, and other simple gestures. Just three a day would make a HUGE difference!

A: Man, in junior high school the only kissing I was doing involved CPR dummies, and they only want you to touch their lips after 15 thrusts to the chest (that's what she said). (B: Yeah…I did no kissing until university. But I hear other people were cool in Junior High…) But, really, any way to make your lady or potential lady feel attractive is a good thing. Notice her high heels, notice her new hairstyle, notice a cute thing she does when no one is looking… it's all good.

B: Okay, for the last one let's blow honesty out of the water here. (A: We're not past that point yet?) You know sex, right? (A: I heard about it on the school bus once) Sex, generally speaking, is about pleasuring both parties. What if – and I'm going to take this slow so I don't lose you – one time you make it entirely about her? Yes, you might have to take care of yourself that once, but she'll remember that night and you'll get your pay-off and then some. I promise…

A: I think we could extend this premise to the relationship as a whole. (B: Nope. Just sex….just kidding. Or am I??) Instead of making each time together about what you want to do or a compromise neither person really wants, try one time, without her suggesting anything, to set up an entire day all about her. Whatever she's said she's always wanted to do, you make it happen. The key is to not make it a big deal you are doing this. Just do it, not expecting anything, and you will reap everything.

B: And by 'reap' he means 'sex'. And by 'everything' he means 'HER UP'!

I'm sorry.


A: My half of advice giving, the dramatic conclusion to our three-day, epic co-blogging series, will be on Ben's site later today. Please check it out, as my ego is fragile and prone to bruising, much like a peach or an Olsen twin's skeleton.

Also, there will be a TV Play-by-Play of America's Next Top Model season finale posted today on here...If you missed last week's episode/post, check here... And if you had problems commenting last night, I fixed the issue, so try again.


Amyxxoo said...

I am totally loving the whole co-blog series. You two are just two, sweet, gorgeous hunks of man meat, arent you ?

Just one thing about the sex though - after making it all about her, i dont think your going to have to finish yourself off. If you do your job right, any lady worth her salt will have the manners to give you a very special thankyou for a job well done....

The Rambler said...

I'm rolling around on the ground laughing...I was soo sure when Ben said blow honesty out of the water you were going to come back with...Does Newf know about Honesty (actual person, not quality of character...heehee)?

I Love this crap...back to work for me..it's almost 11:00pm and I have to get my ass and staff out of here....

Astharis said...

Didn't expect this to be anything less than hilarious! :) I'm gonna be sending this to my SO soon to tease him (he already adores me).

And props on the awesome line... "Don't you know that not liking gay people these days is like not liking puppies?" I will be using this in the future. :)

Miss Tiff said...

I knew this was going to be great. Can't wait to read the rest of it on Ben's Blog. Great advice for guys! :)

Ben said...

Is it rude and self-absorbed to say that even though I've read this already, I still laughed with shock and delight?

Áine Caitríona said...

I should NOT have read this at work.

You two = funny

That is all.

SouthernBelle said...

Awesomeness unparalleled. Love it!

Also, ANTM OMG! I cannot wait for your recap, Andy!!!

Grace said...

omg. I NEED to find a way for my guy friends to accidentally stumble across this post. hmmmmm. [scheming commence!]

Jossie Posie said...

A great part 1.

For the record, the whole be nice to her gay friends is a big deal to a girl whose life is all about being a lovely fruit fly. My ex pretended to be okay with the whole thing, I was seriously sad when we broke up, then a few days ago he said he couldn't be with someone who fought so strongly for gay rights. Now, I could give a shit about him, because that my friends is a deal breaker. Love me, love my gays.

Ben said...

Here's part two:


Marie said...

Actually some women DO like it when their man keeps the chest hair and DON'T yank it all off. Yeah, I'm talking about me here.

I'll be sending all my straight male friends to the Ben-Andy co-blogging posts.

Awesome posts gentlemen!

Meredith said...

I love this co-blogging thing. You guys are too funny. Don't let this be the last co-blogging event!

Lump said...

wow. I love you both. You are on FIRE! the bf has the gay friends down. He used to DJ at a gay nightclub. Met some of my BESTest friends there.

But I still can hear the bf say, "man this is too much damn work, let's just have sex." hahaha! ;)

Ben said...

Amyxxoo- If you wanted to tell us more about how gorgeous we are...that might be nice.
TheRambler- You're saucy. I like it.
Astharis- You are welcome to send me a dollar for each time you use it.
MissTiff- if only more guys were actually reading our blogs rather than you sexy ladies.
Aine- Did you forget the thick panties warning?
SouthernBelle- Unparalleled. I like that.
Grace- Only send guys who aren't big enough to beat us up. For me, that cut-off is around eight years of age.
Jossie- I think 'love me, love my gays' should be covered on the first date.
Marie- I'm with you on that one.
Meredith- Would we do that to you?
Lump- The straights who DJ in gay bars are my fav.

Ben said...


Andy- I just hijacked your comment section.

Narm said...

Could you please tell my single guy friends that staying in with the girl is NOT gay - while drinking beer and doing chest bumps toes the line?

Andy said...

Amy- Truer words have never been spoken.
Rambler- No, you're mistaken. Her name is Charity.
Astharis- I agree, that is an awesome line.
Miss Tiff- No, thank you for reading
Ben- I've read and re-read all of our stuff many many times. I laugh every time. You are a de-light in an Anchorman kind of way.
Aine- I hope we didn't get you fired.
Belle- I know, I know. A co-blog AND a post on ANTM? too much to handle.
Grace- Tell them it's the Idiot's Guide to Women.
Jossie- What a loser to say one thing and then do another.
Ben- Thanks for the link. I've been busy doing laundry all morning.
Marie- You can have my chest hair. Both of them.
Meredith- Don't worry. We're like Law and Order. We just keep going on and on.
Lump- Am I on fire like a flamer? Capricorn wouldn't like it if I switched teams.
Ben- Wait, is this where I tell you to get off my blog this time?
Narm- Chest bumps anywhere away from an athletic field are not cool. Funny, but not cool.

Phil said...

Seriously? This is incredible advice. Advice my homophobic brothers could sure use. For the phobic reason and also because they RARELY get the ladies, despite being big-time oglers.

MsDarkstar said...

Love it! Great advice! Now, if I can only surreptitiously sneak it into some inboxes....

stealthnerd said...

I'm going to cry when this A/B series ends...

SouthernBelle said...

Hahaha the whole chest-bumps thing reminded me of a high school BF and his best mate who played American football together (yes, in Australia) and were very upset when I told them their touchdown dance was kinda gay (hey, they'd worked out a two-man routine!). I still think there might have been fire under all that smoke.

lfar said...

"get married until the cows come home"

Let this series never die. You guys are better that friday fight at videogum.com!

Amy said...

An Olsen twin's skeleton!!

*screams with glee*

JenBun said...

You guys are doing A Good Thing.

Too bad you both are taken!

Any guy I date will immediately get the brochure I'm going to make, containing all of this valuable advice... Am putting your email addresses on it in case they have questions. ;)

The will TOTALLY get sexed up.

JenBun said...

P.S. Some boys go too far towards loving your gay friends...

That doesn't mean you should love them any less.

It just means to stop sleeping with gay guys! (If you are a straight chick.)

Beave said...

This is amazing! Sadly enough sometimes we forget alot of these things on a regular basis. I'm bookmarking this and going to look back on it every now and again just to remind me, and get a good laugh.

Erin said...

I must not be a very good female, because the whole chest hair debate boggles my mind. What's the big deal with the chest hair?

I'm sad that co-blogging is over. I feel like we should cuddle now. It's rude to just put your pants on and go.

Anonymous said...

Wow. This is quite the event.

Are you sure you're not gay? All of this "caring" about "her" has me concerned.

Muffy Willowbrook said...

Commander is getting a copy of this.

ÄsK AliCë said...

Aw this is adorable! You guys make a great team

Little Fish said...

Love this- great advice

and btw Amyxxoo
"Just one thing about the sex though - after making it all about her, i dont think your going to have to finish yourself off. If you do your job right, any lady worth her salt will have the manners to give you a very special thankyou for a job well done...."

~Sheila~ said...

My man has chest hair. I think the idea (and image) of a woman trying to be sexy and lick/kiss a man's chest/nipples reminds me of a cat bathing itself.

I'm just sayin..I deal.

Sara said...

Chest hair can hide a multitude of sins!

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