It's the season finale of America's Next Top Model, Cycle Whatever-We're-On. It seems like just yesterday we were at last season's finale, when Whitney "Tyra Chose Me To Say She Had A Plus-Sized Girl Win" was the top model.
For a recap of last week's episode, check here.
Here are the final three, and for the first time since the beginning, I'm even going to tell you their real names to go with my nicknames:
Analeigh, "Saudi Arabia": So called because in the season opener, she told the judges she was once sold to a Saudi prince as his wife. Yeah, like that hasn't already happened to me a hundred times (Hey Talib, I'll call you, I promise, Daddy's been busy).
Brittany, "BritMcKey": So called because with two Brittanys on the show, Tyra demanded one of them change their names so she wouldn't have to deal with it. So, "McKey" was born. McKey has spent most of this season looking hot and talking out of the side of her mouth like a quadriplegic sock puppet.
Samantha, "Blondboobs": So called because she's the traditional blond with big boobs girl who is often the most popular in high school (She just turned 18).
Ready? Let's do it.
:05 The three remaining girls, still in Amsterdam, get their Tyra mail for the day. It's in Dutch, and translates to "Easy, Breezy, Beautiful," hinting at their Cover Girl commercial. Or, it means, "Easy, Sleazy, Payable," hinting at a commercial for Amsterdam's brothels.
:06 Every year, the final girls have to read part of a TV script in the host country's language. Every year, they are surprised. Other things ANTM girls never remember: There always is a nude shoot. There always is a shoot involving kissing a guy. There always is a runway show with a gimmick. There always is a Tyra photo shoot. There always is a lesbian in the house.
:07 Whitney, last season's winner, appears. She is 10 times bigger than the winner two seasons before her, Jaslene, which is to say, Whitney is normal size. Jaslene makes the Olsen twins look like gluttons.
:10 All the girls have trouble remembering their (four) lines for the Cover Girl commercial. I used to have to remember entire scripts for theater. They can't remember a handful of lines. Again, I say, vote me for Next Top Model.
:11 Saudi Arabia blows it (her lines, not your boyfriend*). Last time they did a commercial, she did the best of anyone. This time, she is the Michael Phelps of acting.
:18 Saudi Arabia, who is a bit of a hippie, is not a fan of bras. That's all I'll say. By the way, did anyone notice she and Blondboobs guest-starred on "The Big Bang Theory" this month?
:19 It's judging time. Sweet Fancy Moses, Tyra looks like Will Ferrell from "Zoolander." Her hair is cut almost exactly the same.
:21 Why does Tyra over-enunciate everything? She's two lines away from saying "The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plains."
:23 Saudi Arabia's bumbling commercial is shown. I felt more comfortable getting a physical in high school than I did watching that commercial. You know, the physical. The turn your head and cough test...Where a stranger tells you to drop your pants so he can play jai alai with your manhood. That one.
:24 This is the first time I've noticed this: BritMcKey walks with her back hunched over as if to look like a campaign spokesmodel for scoliosis. But she models so well. I don't get it... Anyway, I predict McKey gets through, with Saudi and Blondboobs in the bottom two.
:29 Well, I'm right, which sucks because I predicted Saudi would win the whole thing.
:30 Blondboobs goes on. Saudi goes home. She shouldn't be too down on herself. There's a palace in the Middle East waiting for her.
What happens next? Who wins the big runway showdown? Tune in tomorrow for the second half of this monster post...
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