To discuss the bad news and the good or bad news depending on your view

It's been more than a week since I posted.

What gives, you ask? (P.S. You're supposed to have noticed it's been that long.)

A couple of things.

Do you want the good news or bad news first?

OK, let's go with bad news, as you have no say in this matter.

Capricorn and I are no more. In what amounted to a mutual decision made recently, Capricorn and I have decided to just be friends. For those of you who have read my blog since it's inception, you've been there for the very beginning of my relationship with Capricorn (even back when she got her name). Please know she and I are still very much friends, and that it's just one of those things that happens, and that I still think she is an amazing person. We have a lot of history (history chronicled quite often on this very blog), and that's always difficult to move on from, but in the same light, I treasure that and accept it's time to start a new history.

I told her that one of the things I least wanted to deal with as a result of our break-up is tell all of you, as you've been following along with us. But now you know. And I hope one day Capricorn finds her perfect man, although I doubt he'll own a chiweenie. Also, happy belated birthday, Capricorn...

OK, let's get to the good news (or the bad news, in a way):

My latest musical, 1776, opens this coming weekend! That's pulled me away from blogging, since we are constantly at practice. I barely even see Bailey, who is starting to give me looks when I get home like, "I slaved over a hot stove all day cooking dinner for you, and you come strolling in at 11 p.m. like you's somebody. Oh no you didnnnnttt."* I tell him this is paid, professional theater, but he just rolls his eyes, tells me he "has a headache" and goes straight to bed.

* In my head, sometimes my chiweenie sounds like a Latina Lucille Ball.

We have shows every weekend from now until mid-August (e-mail me at wildarschase dot yahoo dot com for info if you are in the York/Harrisburg area or want the theater's Web site, where you can see my cast bio).

As proof, here's a photo of me dressed as Roger Sherman, a delegate from Connecticut. You can't see yet (more photos will come at later dates), but I've got hose on. I find them slimming. You'll notice I'm wearing a wig, but please don't stare, as the wig has a habit of making the ladies' knees shake with anticipation.

But that's not all. I also auditioned for ANOTHER musical, "The Music Man," at the same theater, as I'm both a glutton for punishment and evidently the gayest straight man this side of Ryan Seacrest. And I got really lucky, because I got cast as the understudy for Harold Hill, the male lead; I'll also be a salesman/dancer. That show runs late August through early October, every weekend.

Basically, I've got about five months' worth of shows coming up, which is an insane decision and yet delightful, kind of like eating Taco Bell. But I've got no plans to ignore Wild ARS Chase, as I love you all too much and, well, hell, those Cosmopolitans aren't going to review themselves. So be patient with me, and your reward will be ... more photos of me in wigs and hose. Deal?

To discuss What I Learned from Cosmo: May

It's long past due. Well, not really, because it's still May, but you know how magazines come out a month in advance. So here's What I Learned from Cosmo, May edition (here's April's edition). If you think Cosmo is smut, please do not read. If you're smutty yourself, read on.

• May's cover subject, Whitney Port from MTV's The City, admits she breaks down in tears a couple times a week from the stress of being on a reality television show. Whitney, not sure if you know this, but that's not normal. You may want to reconsider your life decisions if you are crying all the time. Unless the crying is part of the script.
  
• For Whitney's Cosmo quiz, she reveals she's never eaten pasta and she's addicted to soy lattes. You must be a real fun dinner date.
• The sexiest new kind of a woman: A puma, which is a woman in her 30s who likes younger dudes. Cosmo, always on top of things, includes a photo of a couple canoodling... and the "puma" in it looks like her mom might be 30-something. Phew. That was close. Cosmo almost showed a woman past college age in their magazine.
• Cosmo also makes this broad generalization: "Women are becoming entrenched in their careers right after college" instead of getting married. Except for the dozens of women I graduated with who are now married. They're just exceptions. And all of your female friends, too. Other than that, so true!
  
• How exactly does Cosmo get so many men to contribute their "Guy Confessions"? Do the girlfriends force them to do it?
• Cosmo editor Guy Henderson in "The Guy Truth": "Q: I found some e-mails my boyfriend wrote to girls who posted ads on Craigslist wanting to hook up. He said he was just playing. Why did he really do it? A: Because he wants to have sex with other women"... And please schedule a visit with your gyno, as you've probably got Craigslist Chlamydia by now.
  
• Get More Looks for Less: Budget-conscious outfits. Just so you know, Cosmo considers it budget-conscious to buy a $110 belt. We'll get out of this recession, America, one Cosmo-backed budget belt at a time.
• I don't care what they say, swimsuit tube tops like the one Katherine Heigl is wearing are not flattering. The cut makes it look like you've got granny boobs. Talk about Grey's Anatomy.*
  
• "What Guys Know About Sex That You Don't" offers such (somewhat sage) advice as "You're always doable," "Your crotch is awesome" and "Practice makes perfect." But, if you look closer, you realize Cosmo is telling women they should just fantasize about sex and masturbate all the time. Which is fine, if the woman is channeling her inner 14-year-old boy. But in reality, it might just be best to not overthink things and believe him when he says you're sexy. That goes a lot farther than double-clicking your mouse five times a day.
• "Wedding Day Freak-Outs: How to distinguish between normal nervousness and serious cold feet." Example: You feel like you're on pins and needles versus You have a lingering sense of foreboding. Or: You have trouble deciding which dress to pick versus You're worried about the fact you're a dirty whore.
• Advertisement for Yaz birth control. Me, to Capricorn: "Why do women always look so happy in birth control ads?" Capricorn: "Because they're not pregnant."
• There is a multi-page spread on "Make Waves: Glam up chic swimsuits with sophisticated accessories." This is a clear case of women dressing for other women. Ladies, if you are wearing a teenie bikini and are relatively in shape, guys are going to think you look hot. We could care less about bangles, purses or necklaces to help you "rule the sand." We just think, "Hey, her butt looks nice." Also, a smile goes a long way.
• "Guy Truths They'd Tell If They Had the Guts": "Your dad's not as nice to us as you think he is," "Anything bedazzled is bad news,"... and "You spent HOW MUCH on a belt?"
• Repel a Peeping Tom: Plant something thorny, like a small cactus or rosebush, in front of your windows to keep Peeping Toms... at a distance. Yes, because a Peeping Tom would think, "Man, I'd watch this girl getting naked by using my binoculars and my telephoto lens, but there's a damn cactus by her window. I guess I'll just go home and watch porn instead."
• "50 Things to Do Naked." Among the asinine suggestions: "Take a strip class. Look on Craigslist... and find a private instructor." Because there are so many legitimate strip class instructors on Craiglist... you might want to plant several cacti by your door before the "instructor" arrives.
• Cosmo Gyno: "Why do my roommates and I get our periods together" It's God's way of punishing your boyfriends.

* Hey-yooo!

Check out the new links (and the new graphic!) at the top of the main page, including a link for all my past Cosmo/Maxim recaps. See, I was productive this weekend.

To discuss Facebook stealing a rite of passage

Dear Facebook:

When I was a boy and had a crush on a girl*, there was only one socially acceptable way to tell her. You wrote her a note. You wrote her an honest-to-God**, handwritten note that should include romantic salutations, references to how she reminds you of song lyrics*** and a mention of "Do you like me Circle Yes No or Maybe."

That's how deals were done.

But now you've eliminated such old-fashioned possibilities with your inboxes and relationship status feature and superpokes. You've taken all the charm and effort out of letting a 13-year-old boy tell that cute girl in his class he wants to fondledate her.

Sure, I'm way past that time for me. Capricorn would get weirded out if I passed her a note at this point.**** But there's an entire generation of young Letharios out there who don't know the joy of getting that note back in study hall, unfolding its intricate pattern and realizing the girl he loves, the girl that gives him (wet) wonderful dreams, has enthusiastically circled...

"No."

Oh. She circled no? I always black out that part in my head. Most girls said no- I worked in quantity. Maybe Facebook is the way to go after all. There's probably a Facebook app for love, anyway.

Keep 'poking, kids.

Andy

* I had a crush on every girl. That includes all classmates, their moms, their sisters and you.
** The note didn't have to be honest, just that it needed to be actual paper. It's OK to tell the girl she's the cutest in the class even if you told the last girl that. It's not OK for both those girls to find out. My bad, ladies.
*** At the time, it was Ace of Base lyrics. That might be the reason things never worked out. I told girls I Saw The Sign... and that All That She Wants Is Another Baby, She's Gone Tomorrow Boy.
**** Not to say I wouldn't do it. But I'd have to find new lyrics that do not involve Swedish supergroups. Perhaps T-Pain?

To discuss the No Ordinary ARS Chase co-blog. Enter: Men. Exit: Legends

For the intro to this co-blog event on advice for manly men from a gay guy and a metrosexual dude, check yesterday's post....As a caveat for regular readers here, this is a little spicier than my normal stuff. And yet, you'll read on anyway, because you're a little devil. I like that...

Okay, Ben of No Ordinary Rollercoaster goes first with his advice... Again, B is for Ben, A is for Andy.

B: First off, and this one's a little self-serving, be comfortable with your sexuality. This means being open to doing less than macho things. Investing in her interests does not make you gay no matter how much your single, loser buddies suggest it might. Trust me, going for a romantic evening stroll with your lady doesn't make her forget that you have a penis (I think this might be the first time that word has been used on my blog).

A: I've always said, doing girly things doesn't make you gay. Making out with other guys makes you gay. (B: I did not know this). So man up, fellas. If you're dating the lady, you don't need to prove you're a man's man by scoffing at romantic stuff. Being a considerate, romantic guy willing to be vulnerable is what really makes you a man's man. And chest hair, which I do not have (B: Ironically women seem to like knowing that you CAN grow chest hair but would rather you didn't have any at all like Zac Effron. I can only assume this means that all women are child predators)…And congrats on using an adult word, Ben.

B: Second, much like the first, being pleasant to her gay friends ups your appeal by about 85%. Don't you know that not liking gay people these days is like not liking puppies? THAT MEANS YOU CALIFORNIA. Seriously. (A: So, to be clear here, are you a little bitter? B: Meh. I can get married 'til the cows come home up here) Being cool with her gay friend dropping the occasional flirt in your direction reminds her that you're so attractive that men are into you. That makes you a valuable commodity. In laymen's terms, YOU GET NAUGHTY TIME!

A: And by naughty time, he means that activity your parents did to create you… Anyway, this is an interesting point. Really, you should try to at least be friendly with her friends. She wants to know you are cool with the important people in her life- straight, gay, transsexual, robot or character on The Hills. (B: Actually, it's your duty as a human being to punch any character on The Hills in the face if given the chance).

I know I haven't had problems getting along with gay guys. They love me. A lot. Thank you, Connecticut- I got asked out by more gay guys than straight girls. (B: Do you want to grab a coffee sometime? A: (awkward silence, then subtle nod))

B: Third, make her feel sexy on a regular basis. Just telling her how hot she is when you want to get some is tragically transparent. If you make her feel as sexy as you know she is on a regular basis, her confidence, excitement and playfulness will skyrocket. This means REAL kisses – none of that junior high school crap - for no reason, looking her in the eye and telling her something about her that gives you dirty thoughts, and other simple gestures. Just three a day would make a HUGE difference!

A: Man, in junior high school the only kissing I was doing involved CPR dummies, and they only want you to touch their lips after 15 thrusts to the chest (that's what she said). (B: Yeah…I did no kissing until university. But I hear other people were cool in Junior High…) But, really, any way to make your lady or potential lady feel attractive is a good thing. Notice her high heels, notice her new hairstyle, notice a cute thing she does when no one is looking… it's all good.

B: Okay, for the last one let's blow honesty out of the water here. (A: We're not past that point yet?) You know sex, right? (A: I heard about it on the school bus once) Sex, generally speaking, is about pleasuring both parties. What if – and I'm going to take this slow so I don't lose you – one time you make it entirely about her? Yes, you might have to take care of yourself that once, but she'll remember that night and you'll get your pay-off and then some. I promise…

A: I think we could extend this premise to the relationship as a whole. (B: Nope. Just sex….just kidding. Or am I??) Instead of making each time together about what you want to do or a compromise neither person really wants, try one time, without her suggesting anything, to set up an entire day all about her. Whatever she's said she's always wanted to do, you make it happen. The key is to not make it a big deal you are doing this. Just do it, not expecting anything, and you will reap everything.

B: And by 'reap' he means 'sex'. And by 'everything' he means 'HER UP'!

I'm sorry.

--------------

A: My half of advice giving, the dramatic conclusion to our three-day, epic co-blogging series, will be on Ben's site later today. Please check it out, as my ego is fragile and prone to bruising, much like a peach or an Olsen twin's skeleton.

Also, there will be a TV Play-by-Play of America's Next Top Model season finale posted today on here...If you missed last week's episode/post, check here... And if you had problems commenting last night, I fixed the issue, so try again.

To Discuss a Co-Blog About Romantic Hints, Plus Andy's Mancrush and Tiff's Fear of Stalkers.

Occasionally in the two-plus month history of WildARSChase, I've had another blogger get the crazy idea that they'd want to write a co-blog with me. The results have been Michael Phelpsian, if by that I mean that we achieved glory and not that we bombed on Saturday Night Live.

So far, TracieLee, my Ex-Fiance and Haute Pocket have taken the plunge. Since then, Tracie has been hired at Nike, Ex-Fiance has adopted two cats and Haute has made a major life decision to move back to Minnesota. So you see, friends, people who co-blog with me go places- sweat shop, furball and parka places.
In my brief blogging history, Miss Tiff has been one of my most frequent and supportive readers; I hope I have returned the favor her way, and I already wrote a guest post for her. This time, though, we have ventured into co-blog territory.
The topic? What guys and girls think when meeting someone of the opposite sex. The results? Lengthy (you're not really working at work, anyway), but still great.

Here we go:

The Co-Blog Post:

MT= Miss Tiff.... ARS: Wild ARS Chase

MT: OK, so I'm dying to get your take on this relationship stuff since, well, you are a guy, and I'm needing a little bit more guy perspective in some aspects of this whole dating/relationship scene.

ARS: I'm glad that my main qualifying factor is that I have a Y chromosome. Proceed.
MT: First question I gotta ask, because of what I'm going through, is why do some guys go all crazy on us gals? Seriously, any warning signs that you as a guy could give us gals? Because I know from my experience with the EX that I had no idea he was crazy until we broke up (ARS: That's actually good, because otherwise that means you dated a crazy person). Maybe if you could give us a little bit more insight on signs that he may turn crazy in the relationship, so that when it ends you could keep gals like myself from making the mistake of dating a loser like this in the first place.

ARS: Are we talking Pepe La Pew crazy, or Mark Walhberg in "Fear" crazy? That's the first thing. I'm guessing you're talking about the latter. If' that's the case, there are probably a few signs during the relationship to look out for:

1. If he always needs to know where you're going/who you're talking to... that likely means when you break up, he's not going to be used to you doing things on your own without telling him first.
2. If he isn't friends with any of his ex's, or least acquaintances, it might be because he's scared them off.
3. If he repeatedly says how he doesn't know what he would do without you, without you prompting him to do so by doing something/saying something nice... That could signify that he literally means he doesn't know what he'd do without you and is already planning how to slaughter your entire family. And by slaughter, I mean say mean things. No one needs to die. That only happens in "Fear."
   

The best thing you can do is cut the line of communication off, permanently, until he shows he can be a normal person. I do admit that guys are tougher to read than War & Peace. (MT: That's the biggest understatement I've heard in a long time.) It can be tough on our end, though.
We're always told that we need to be sweet and considerate, but we're also told not to go overboard so we don't look like freaking psychos. When you have your first few encounters with a guy, what can he do to impress you?

MT: You would be correct in assuming we are talking Mark Wahlberg in Fear crazy.

ARS: Good, because otherwise it might be Funky Bunch version of Mark Wahlberg, and that involves tighty whities.

MT: Those are some really good pointers that us gals should keep in mind. I know I will remember those, especially with all the ex stuff that I've had to go through recently which I have just finally managed to get under control with the advice you gave me a week or two ago.
I would have to agree with you that guys are really hard to read.
A lot of guys don't like to express their feelings so we (us gals) are left to try and figure out/guess what's going on with you guys. That usually never goes as well as it could if you would express your feelings better.
Guys do need to be sweet and considerate, I agree with you on that. It's not hard to be either, really it's not. When having a first few encounters with guys we like to see you guys be sweet and gentleman like. Call me kind of old fashioned about it, but opening doors, showing up with flowers, etc., always impresses me.

Also, if you have a good time with us let us know we like to know that. Because, you can bet if you don't tell us then we are wondering and we are probably over analyzing things we did. Don't you guys do the same thing if we don't tell you whether we had a good time or not?

ARS: Guilty as charged. I have to spend the rest of the night eating Ben & Jerry's and listening to Frank Sinatra.

MT: It also impresses me when a guy calls and/or texts every so often to let me know that he's thinking about me or hoping that I'm having a great day. But, and I can't stress this enough, do not go overboard with the calling/texting so much where we don't want to talk to you (like texting us ten times in one day to see what we're up to).

ARS: (Crossing that off my list) Oh yeah, that's crazy. Who would do that? Freakin' dudes.

MT: That's just crazy and will scare us off. What are some things that us gals can do to impress you during the first few encounters? What shouldn't we do?

ARS: Guys aren't as complicated as you think. Our basic thoughts when first meeting an available, cute girl run along three lines, with varying degrees of depth, depending on the situation:

1. Does she think I'm fun/funny/nice: This is the generic one that everyone wonders. We want to know that you enjoy us. Some of us go way overboard and ask every 5 minutes what you're thinking. Those guys have lack of self-esteem issues, which should be a warning sign, not a fixer-upper. We don't need you to stroke our ego all the time- we stroke enough (ego) as it is- but just realize that we want you to think we're cool.
2. Does she think I'm attractive: We are well aware that our abs do not resemble... well, those of Mark Wahlberg (Why do I keep mentioning him? I sound all mancrush. He is dreamy, though. Like in The Italian Job). (MT: That's like the third time you've mention Mark Walhberg.. I'm so calling you out on your mancrush. He is dreamy though and full of hotness.) We know that our hair isn't like that of George Clooney or Brad Pitt or even John Stamos. And many of us dress like we're auditioning for "Rent." But we do want you to think we're at least marginally attractive. So, if you do, mention it. Just once or twice, and don't make it into a big deal. It can be a small thing- eyes, biceps, molars, kidneys- but it will be enough for us to think that we're not still in "friend territory.".......Which leads to...
3. Is she putting me in freaking "friend territory": This was best explained in "Just Friends" with Ryan Reynolds. If we like a girl, our big fear is that she's put us in Friend Territory, which might as well be the Yukon Territory because it's just as cold and frigid for our psyche.
   

Once you're in there, it's tough to get out, which is why some of us make romantic moves we probably shouldn't, just to make it clear we don't want to be the guy you end up talking to about other guys. So, if you do like us, flirt a little. Drop a line about how you thought about us today. Use my Seven Steps to Holding Hands. Cop a feel (just seeing if you're paying attention). (MT: Did you just say cop a feel? You're joking right? Wait you aren't are you?)

And, if you think we have potential, don't talk to us about your guy problems all the time-- sometimes, yes, just not all the time. (MT: Noted. No griping about guy problems.) Because we'll eventually decide we don't want to be "the guy" you always need to complain about.

MT: OK, wait, so you're telling us that this basically boils down to those three things? If we think your fun/funny/nice, if we think you're attractive, and if we're putting you in friend territory.

ARS: It's like I'm unlocking the Ark of the Covenant, only nobody's flesh melts off like in Indiana Jones.

MT: Well, most of us gals easily show what we think about you in all of three of those areas within the first date or so. I know that I at least hint around those things. I may not come right out and say it but, do we really have to come out and say "You're hot" or something like that to get you to realize that we are digging you? If that's the case, then why don't guys come right out and tell us when they are digging us? (ARS: Did I mention guys are idiots?)
Because, sometimes you guys don't. Sometimes you guys leave us wondering what the heck is going on? Then we learn later you really do dig us and we've been stressing out over it for no reason.
A little tidbit of information that is that us girls can usually tell within the first date (if not the first date then definitely the second date) if we are going to put you in the "friend territory."
Since we got onto the subject of the "friend territory," how do guys go from being oh so into us girls to all of a sudden we're in the "friend territory" without any warning?!
Basically a lot of the whole "guys are hard to read" thing is because you tend not to talk (or hate talking) about your feelings about anything when it comes to relationships. So why is it guys don't tend to tell us what is on their minds? You all know that us gals will almost always tell you what's going on with us. But, guys tend to shut gals out. Why is that?

ARS: Well, that's not how it works. We are shrouds of mystery, like James Bond, but without the martini, weapon, and impeccable suits.(MT: Did you just try and compare all guys to James Bond? *rolls eyes* Right, go on.) Guys aren't as likely to come straight out and say they like you-- I would, but I'm not the usual. But think of it this way: If a guy calls you several times, wants to know what you're up to on the weekend and often mentions how he wants to go do something but wishes he had someone to go with, he probably likes you. Subtle. Very subtle.

It's likely a defense mechanism to protect us, because we're not very good at detecting if you like us or not, so we don't want to put ourselves out on a limb. Did I mention that guys make no sense? (MT: No but the whole female population myself included already knows that. No big surprise there.)
So here's the final question, then. If a guy is going to give you a compliment, would you rather it be about your personality, your looks or your lifestyle (your clothes/car/home/hobbies)?

MT: So, basically you guys aren't more obvious about liking us because you're not good at detecting if we like you or not. Actually that kind of makes sense because a few of us gals do the same thing. We don't like to put ourselves out on a limb that often either because it can result in getting hurt. Each girl is different as to what she would like to receive compliments about.

But, I'm sure quite a few of us love it when you compliment our personality and looks. It's kind of hard to really choose because we like to know that you like our personality, that you find us attractive and that you do like at least a few things about our lifestyle.
So that makes it hard to choose which we would rather be complimented on. I, myself, would probably go for personality or looks. However, like I said, it all depends on the girl. I will tell you this- we do like to receive compliments. So feel free to send them our way when ever you feel the need.

ARS: Noted. You know, I actually did watch "Just Friends" again recently with the girlfriend as a reminder of the friend zone and people missing "Hey I like you signals." You know what happens to Ryan Reynolds because of that? He gets facial lacerations, hit in the crotch, punched in the face and slapped. It pays to pay attention. (MT: That only happens in movies. Oh wait, I totally hit a guy in the crotch before. He deserved it though. So that makes it OK right?

I think the theme here, if I may be so bold as to summarize this co-blog, is that both sides need to be more forthcoming if they like somebody so we can avoid the crotch hitting and heart breaking. Agreed? Good. (MT: Totally agree both sides need to be more forthcoming to avoid those not so fun situations.)
Oh, and Mark Wahlberg. (One last reference for good luck). (MT: *Rolls Eyes*.)

To discuss replies to the litany of congrats

Normally I respond to all of your lovely comments with a comment of my own, but, considering the enthusiasm and volume of responses about the girlfriend post, some thoughts:

Teej said...

I'm happy to be the first to say congrats on the official gf/bf status. Madame Capricorn is either lucky or insane :-P Now change your facebook or it isnt official remember!

She likely is insane, although, since she reads this blog now, um, she is also incredibly pretty and funny. I did change my Facebook status, Teej, and that was more nerve-wracking than actually asking Capricorn to be my girlfriend (although we did joke it should be like a "Circle Yes No or Maybe" format). Those Facebook status things are no joke. People pay more attention to them than they do the presidential campaign. If Obama changed his Occupation status to "President" on his Facebook page tomorrow, I think millions of teens would assume he won the election.

Libby said...

congrats on the gf!

and yes, i was one of those kids that skipped ahead to see what adventure i was choosing. no worries though, i did go back & read the whole post;-P

I did love those books. I wish my life was like a Choose Your Own Adventure. "If you want Andy to go on a kayaking adventure, go to the year 2015. If you want Andy to be completely broke, turn to this Blog Post."

Miss Tiff said...

Congrats on Madame Capricorn becoming the official girlfriend. :) I'm super happy for you!

What's funny is that half of the purpose of this blog was to gripe about women problems and dating failures. Now I'm screwed.

FunnyGal KAT said...

Yay for the new girlfriend! And yay for her not being your brother's girlfriend! (this time at least...)

Does Capricorn know about the blog? How about a guest post one of these days so we can get her side of the story!

For anyone who doesn't read KAT or SJ's blog, funnygals.blogspot.com, do so- they are regularly hilarious. KAT, Capricorn does know about the blog, although I'm not sure if she's up for a guest post just yet.

You know what's awkward? Telling a woman you write a blog. It's almost like a dirty little secret, like the herpes of confessions, minus the outbreaks. Like, you have to explain why you do such a thing and what you write about and how you won't embarrass her, you promise, unless she's crazy, and then you will.

ANG* said...

gf/bf status already? nice work buddy.
also, i love gym stories. please continue grunting. that visual is awesome...

Here's my take on bf/gf status: If you quickly realize that the two of you click and things feel natural, why freaking wait around to make it official just to follow the norm? Even if it doesn't work out, at least you didn't spend precious days or weeks wondering if the other person is out on a date with someone else. You spent that time only with them and can really concentrate on them. Plus, it's easier on Facebook to say "In a relationship" than "It's complicated," which sounds more like you're having an affair with your gardener.

amindinmotown said...

Congrats on the ladyfriend. That was pretty quick! Ha.

And to prove your point about the gym ... my boyfriend almost entirely ceased going to the gym shortly after we got together, and although he's trying again, with nobody to impress - 'cause let's face it, he already has me, ha - I wonder how long this gym stint shall last.

If you want him to continue, drop casual compliments about how his arms feel bigger or his chest looks more defined. Even if it's not completely true. Because we will always go after hearing something like that.

SouthernBelle said...

Lovely, congrats! That WAS quick work!

PS - Yes, I also skipped to the end but went back & read the whole thing, like libby.

Anyway, it's not like your title didn't give the game away! Unless you meant to say you were in a bicep curl now.

I'm in a bicep curl like The Thinking Man, who did the original bicep curl. Thanks for the congrats. In a weird way, I looked forward to telling all of you about this latest event almost more so than people I know in real life. Because I know you'd all appreciate it.

sj said...

i don't have enough of an attention span to skip forward and then jump back, so i actually waited to the end to read the footnotes.

and congrats! i agree with my bff. let's have her do a guest post!

If by "guest post" you mean, For the love when is Andy going to have somebody else write to break up his normal drivel, I'll see what I can do. Also- is there an acronym for best friends who are only best friends for a certain period, such as high school, or only at work? It's not forever. Maybe, BFFN- Best Friends For Now.

gracie-mel said...

"Coincidentally, my brother also got a girlfriend last night, which is a very strange and cool coincidence"

what... you guys pickin' them up at the Dollar General again? What did I tell you two about that??

Leave it to my sister to compare her brothers' girlfriends to Dollar General. I'd do a "Your Momma" joke to her, but that's my mom, too. Crap.

Diane said...

Can I just call you Speedy Gonzalez now? ;)

As long as we're only talking about relationships and not about physiological responses.

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To discuss 90s music: Why speaking is better than singing

This must be mentioned. It's come up in several of my conversations recently, which means either God wants me to write about it, or that I am terrible at bringing up new topics in conversation.

I'm not sure if anything in the 90s caused more panties to drop, more candles to be lit, more sweet, sweet love to be passionately and wrecklessly made, than those dulcet tones of Boyz II Men. It will be no secret, as this blog continues in the future, that I am a much bigger fan of 90s music than 80's music, due in part to it's better, and due in part to the fact I was in diapers in the 80s, so I was much more Like a Bedwetter than Like a Virgin.
In fact, I plan on writing a Top 90s song and movie list bound to lead you to iTunes for immediate gratifiaction. That sound you heard? Your jaw dropping. Please pick it up and let's move on.

So, Boyz II Men sold millions upon millions of albums. Ultrasuccessful. Their version of Silent Night is so good I listen to it in July, and So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday is auralgasmic (that just sounds like it's a real word, doesn't it?).
But what I've come to appreciate the most about this Philly quartet is about two octaves down.
Michael McCary. Bass. Anchor. Aforementioned seeker of undergarments.
It's not about his singing, which is pleasant. It's about how he pioneered those killer spoken word segments that announced to females, "Hey, you know we could've done a breathtaking four-part harmony here, but instead, I'm speaking to you, real tender-like, and it's going to melt your secret areas."
While Wanye was busy cranking out the high notes, big Mike is sweet talking. This is what gets me. I know many women that love a man who can sing. But Mike? He says 'screw that.' You want a real man? Let me low-talk you about how you've been sleeping around and I'm taking you back anyway. Let my voice make James Earl Jones sound like a pubescent boy on a first date. Let me say things low and slow, because it's sexy, and we also need to fill 4 minutes.
Have you heard any boy bands do this successfully since? Don't think so.
What, Lance Bass was going to low-talk for NSync? "Baby, I just want to tell you... you mean the world to me... you're handsome and such a great dresser, and your facial hai... I mean, I love ladies. Boys are gross..."
So here's what I'm wondering. It's been a decade-plus since BIIM paved the way for spoken-word savants everywhere to make women puddy in their hands. But I don't think I'll ever be able to use it. I'd love to go up to a girl and low-talk her, but then I'll sound like a pervert, and I'd still need three other dudes singing behind me.
But maybe this can work in other areas of life.... "Baby, you know me too well. You know I've been gone too long...So take this purchase back, beautiful Target cashier. I've got the receipt. You've got my heart, oh yeeaaahhh"
No?

On a related note, bet you didn't know McCary had to eventually drop out of Boyz II Men. He developed scoliosis. So, kids, you've now learned that when you spend your life on bended knee and making love "all through the night," you get curvature of the spine. Lesson learned.