To discuss Grammy award commentary 2010

After the disappointing day I had with TV (to be discussed tomorrow), I almost forgot the Grammys were on. But Capricorn and I caught them in time, and, as is now tradition, offer you some Grammy commentary. We're already off to a good start tonight, because Chris Brown wasn't arrested just before the show.

• Lady Gaga opens the show in a sparkly green outfit, with what appears to be the the first-ever case of pubic cleavage.
  
• Elton John and Lady Gaga sharing the same stage was memorable, but they looked like they just emerged from a coal mine that uses a drag queen to signal danger instead of a canary.
  
• Russell Brandt looks like a terroristic wolfman.
• Jennifer Lopez emerges in a skin-tight white dress. Actually, she's emerging all over that dress. "She forgot her spanx!"- Capricorn.
• Simon Baker is Brittish? Ed. note: My international readers point out he's Australian. That makes a little more sense, with that hair and tan.
  
• Beyonce is singing "You Oughta Know. Does this mean she slept with Dave Coulier too?!?!?!
• I get the sense Beyonce dries her hair in the morning by grinding on the floor and thrashing around like Tawny Kitaen.
• Capricorn: "Does Pink have on her trapeze outfit? I've seen this before." No, she wouldn't do that again, I reply. Oops.
• What do I have to do to GET AWAY FROM MILEY?!?!
• The Black Eyed Peas looks like the dominatrix version of the Blue Man Group. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the biggest selling groups of the past decade! Let's not forget their dancer outfits, which appear to be made out of cardboard, spray paint and fail.
  
• You're playing off Stephen Colbert during his acceptance speech? Really?
  
• Jamie Foxx, I ain't hating on you for that opera fake-out- it was funny. Or T-Pain busting out as the conductor. I am a little concerned about the 15-year-old girls in the pit singing along to "Blame It on the Alcohol." Actually, they were doing more singing than T-Pain or Jamie Foxx combined (as Jaimee Foxx said himself, "I'm sorry for the autotune, Jay-Z). Capricorn is impressed Slash came on to play. I'm impressed they were all sober enough to perform.
• I think that was Katy Perry presenting, but there was no cleavage to identify her. Maybe she was scared Russell would transform if he saw full moons.
• So what happens when Taylor Swift likes a guy that likes her back? Does she run out of song material? ... It was cool Taylor and Stevie Nicks were both singing "You Belong to Me," but I don't think Stevie was ever "on the bleachers." Under the bleachers, maybe. Casting spells, possibly.
  
• I thought my TV was broken. Nope, it's Celine Dion in 3D. I'd prefer my Celine in 1D. Or No-D. And was Usher singing "What about the elephants?" If they would've saved the money they spent on the 3D technology, they could have saved the kids, the rainforests and the freaking elephants. Nice Michael Jackson tribute, though. I still think he's living with Tupac and Biggie somewhere, secretly making albums.
• Based on a fan vote, Bon Jovi has to do Livin on a Prayer. I wish we could done that for Beyonce. I would have chosen "Bills, Bills, Bills" and her her sing it with the original Destiny's Child members. Except she would have to guess who is an original member and who was just a random girl chosen from the audience.
  
• Who knew Jay-Z laughs like Fran Drescher?
• I think Mary J. Blige's face might explode trying to keep up with Andrea Bocelli.
• Adam Sandler presents Dave Matthews Band: Can I have "People who Reached Their Peak in 1996" Alex? Speaking of the 90s, Ricky Martin!
  
• After seeing Roberta Flack, it's weird to think that years from now, I'll watch the Grammys with my kids, and say, "Look, that's Beyonce singing 'Single Ladies,' her old hit. She used to be the biggest star in the world. And you're in for a treat kids. She's still using her famous boob tape! .... It used to look better, kids. Don't be scared."
• Oh man, Drake, Wayne and Eminem are doing "Forever"! I like this song a little too much for a suburban white kid. Oh, phew. Taylor Swift knows the words, too. I'm safe.
  
• CBS, if you're going to have rappers perform, don't censor half the song to cover for a random swear word. That's like blurring out an entire episode of "Jersey Shore" on the off chance J-Woww shows too much cleavage. You know its going to happen, so prepare in advance.
• It's to the point with Lady Gaga's outfits that you have to treat her like a poorly-behaving child. Give it too much attention (At the end, she looked like a frozen Rocksteady from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), and she'll just keep doing it. So, uh, "Hey Lady Gaga, you look perfectly average. Just as ordinary as can be."
• Lady Gaga gave an "Oh, of course she won" face when Taylor Swift won record of the year. That's what happens when you win so many Grammys, though. Even Carlos Santana was jealous, and he won about 45 for writing that song that's played in waiting rooms around the country.

A look at the night's big winners (other than Haiti, Taylor Swift and Alanis Morisette):
Song of the Year: "Put a Ring on It" Beyonce and random dudes
Best Country Song: "You Belong to Me" Taylor Swift
Best Pop Vocal Album: "The E.N.D." Black Eyed Peas
Best New Artist: Zac Brown Band
Best Comedy Album: Steven Colbert
Record of the Year: "Use Somebody" Kings of Leon
Best Rock Album: "21st Century Breakdown" Green Day
Best Rock Song: "Use Somebody" Kings of Leon
Best R&B Album: "BLACKsummers'night," Maxwell
Best Alternative Album: "Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix," Phoenix
Best Contemporary R&B Album: "I Am ... Sasha Fierce," Beyonce
Best R&B Song: "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)," Beyonce
Best Female Country Vocal Performance: "White Horse," Taylor Swift
Best Male Country Vocal Performance: "Sweet Thing," Keith Urban
Best Country Album: "Fearless," Taylor Swift
Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals: ("I Gotta Feeling") Black Eyed Peas
Best Dance Recording: "Poker Face," Lady Gaga
Best Electronic Dance Album: "The Fame," Lady Gaga
Best Rap Album: "Relapse," Eminem.
Best Rap Song: "Run This Town" Rihanna/Jay-Z/Kanye
Best Rap Solo Performance ("D.O.A. [Death of Auto-Tune]") Jay-Z
Best Female Pop Vocal: "Halo" Beyonce (Hometown Glory/Adele should have won!)
Best Male Pop Vocal Performance: "Make It Mine," Jason Mraz
Best Album of the Year: "Fearless" Taylor Swift

To discuss Grammy commentary, with Jonas Brothers aplenty

I've already done a running commentary on the Golden Globes, so I'd be remiss not to do the same for the Grammys. Capricorn and I spent most of our Sunday evening watching this. I think I saw more Jonas Brother footage than I'll need in a lifetime. Don't read if you want to avoid spoiler or Kid Rock mentions:

• Before the Grammys began, Coldplay's Chris Martin was on 60 Minutes, telling the reporter he wishes the other bandmates would take over the spotlight, such as the drummer. "I want him to be a flamboyant homosexual drummer who says outrageous things." Have him compete on "Bromance," Chris!
  
• It's awkward when you don't know if the teenager on a rock star's arm is his date or his daughter.
• And the Grammys open with... a singalong with U2? Is that in case Bono forgets the lyrics?
• Whitney Houston, who looks like she finally ate something, initially appears put-together tonight as a presenter. But soon she gets back to the out-of-it Whitney we know and love. "She's acting like Anna Nichole," warns Capricorn. "She's gonna die next year." Whitney gives Jennifer Hudson a long, on-stage hug, presumably to whisper about the virtues of staying coke free.
• I'm not sure if Capricorn will ever get as excited over me as she is when she hears the Jonas Brothers AND Miley Cyrus are going to perform tonight. She's worried there might be backstage drama with a Joe Bro and Miley. I worry Kid Rock is going to introduce a Joe Bro to the chronic.
  
• I'd like to take this moment to point out that Chris Brown can't perform because he's currently being arrested for assault. That gave Grammy producers all of five minutes to throw together a back-up act of Justin Timberlake, Keith Urban, Boyz II Men and Al Green singing "Let's Stay Together." I wouldn't be surprised if producers peeked into the men's restroom and grabbed whomever was standing at the urinals. Fortunately for viewers, T-Pain pees sitting down and was not included.
• Coldplay is performing. Chris Martin's costume makes him look like a failed Nutcracker. To say he can't sing live on pitch is to say The Beatles were mildly successful.
• Carrie Underwood is up to sing "Last Name." Capricorn: "Jessica stole your man. It burns, doesn't it?"
• The Grammy festivities continue with Kid Rock singing about... kids starving to death and praying? Wait, wait, his final song is about Rock and Roll Jesus. Phew. I thought Kid lost his Bawitdaballs.
• Chris Brown gets announced for his nominated song, "No Air." I now realize that song was Jordin Sparks' plea for help.
• How did they convince Stevie Wonder to play backup keyboard for the Jonas Brothers? Capricorn: "You know they are good when Stevie is singing for them." She then proceeded to stare dreamily at them and use phrases like "age of consent."
  
• I used to like Coldplay. I really did. Now, I found myself actively rooting against them for Best Rock Album-- really hoping Kings of Leon would win. You know a band has fallen from grace when you are hoping Kid Rock beats them.
• Katy Perry's performance is up and she emerges from a giant banana, surely a Freudian reference as she sings about bisexuality. The camera pans to the Jonas Brothers (those devils are everywhere!). Capricorn: "I think they're squeezing their purity rings."
• Kanye has grown a fro/mullett. A Frollett?
• SWEET FANCY MOSES M.I.A. IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH! Does her performance of "Swagga Like Us" include her water breaking all over T.I.? I have to think producers must have made her sign a waiver form in case she gave birth on stage. I can foresee a wardrobe malfunction involving a baby popping out.
• Now time for my favorite band, Radiohead, to perform. And they brought along the USC marching band. I love it. It's Blue Man Group, sans paint.
• Smokey Robinson leads a tribute to the Four Tops with the only living Top. Jamie Foxx and Ne-Yo join them... even though Boyz II Men are in attendance and are nominated for their Motown tribute album. Jamie, step away from the microphone.
• The Grammys really have the pulse on today's music: Jonas Brothers. Miley. Lil Wayne... and Neil Diamond! Everybody! "Sweet Caroline... ba ba ba..." I am a little concerned he's doing some weird speak-sing version that sounds like bad karaoke. But it has Paul McCartney singing along, so it must be (So) good(! So good! So good!).
  
• No word yet if B.B. King was checking his blood sugar during his performance. I would have appreciated a follow-up appearance by Wilford Brimley for an impromptu PSA on diabetes.
• A recap on Stevie's night: Back-up singer for Jonas Brothers. Closing act in which his song is used for background music on a Delta commercial and then plays while everyone walks out.