To discuss Grammy commentary, with Jonas Brothers aplenty

I've already done a running commentary on the Golden Globes, so I'd be remiss not to do the same for the Grammys. Capricorn and I spent most of our Sunday evening watching this. I think I saw more Jonas Brother footage than I'll need in a lifetime. Don't read if you want to avoid spoiler or Kid Rock mentions:

• Before the Grammys began, Coldplay's Chris Martin was on 60 Minutes, telling the reporter he wishes the other bandmates would take over the spotlight, such as the drummer. "I want him to be a flamboyant homosexual drummer who says outrageous things." Have him compete on "Bromance," Chris!
  
• It's awkward when you don't know if the teenager on a rock star's arm is his date or his daughter.
• And the Grammys open with... a singalong with U2? Is that in case Bono forgets the lyrics?
• Whitney Houston, who looks like she finally ate something, initially appears put-together tonight as a presenter. But soon she gets back to the out-of-it Whitney we know and love. "She's acting like Anna Nichole," warns Capricorn. "She's gonna die next year." Whitney gives Jennifer Hudson a long, on-stage hug, presumably to whisper about the virtues of staying coke free.
• I'm not sure if Capricorn will ever get as excited over me as she is when she hears the Jonas Brothers AND Miley Cyrus are going to perform tonight. She's worried there might be backstage drama with a Joe Bro and Miley. I worry Kid Rock is going to introduce a Joe Bro to the chronic.
  
• I'd like to take this moment to point out that Chris Brown can't perform because he's currently being arrested for assault. That gave Grammy producers all of five minutes to throw together a back-up act of Justin Timberlake, Keith Urban, Boyz II Men and Al Green singing "Let's Stay Together." I wouldn't be surprised if producers peeked into the men's restroom and grabbed whomever was standing at the urinals. Fortunately for viewers, T-Pain pees sitting down and was not included.
• Coldplay is performing. Chris Martin's costume makes him look like a failed Nutcracker. To say he can't sing live on pitch is to say The Beatles were mildly successful.
• Carrie Underwood is up to sing "Last Name." Capricorn: "Jessica stole your man. It burns, doesn't it?"
• The Grammy festivities continue with Kid Rock singing about... kids starving to death and praying? Wait, wait, his final song is about Rock and Roll Jesus. Phew. I thought Kid lost his Bawitdaballs.
• Chris Brown gets announced for his nominated song, "No Air." I now realize that song was Jordin Sparks' plea for help.
• How did they convince Stevie Wonder to play backup keyboard for the Jonas Brothers? Capricorn: "You know they are good when Stevie is singing for them." She then proceeded to stare dreamily at them and use phrases like "age of consent."
  
• I used to like Coldplay. I really did. Now, I found myself actively rooting against them for Best Rock Album-- really hoping Kings of Leon would win. You know a band has fallen from grace when you are hoping Kid Rock beats them.
• Katy Perry's performance is up and she emerges from a giant banana, surely a Freudian reference as she sings about bisexuality. The camera pans to the Jonas Brothers (those devils are everywhere!). Capricorn: "I think they're squeezing their purity rings."
• Kanye has grown a fro/mullett. A Frollett?
• SWEET FANCY MOSES M.I.A. IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH! Does her performance of "Swagga Like Us" include her water breaking all over T.I.? I have to think producers must have made her sign a waiver form in case she gave birth on stage. I can foresee a wardrobe malfunction involving a baby popping out.
• Now time for my favorite band, Radiohead, to perform. And they brought along the USC marching band. I love it. It's Blue Man Group, sans paint.
• Smokey Robinson leads a tribute to the Four Tops with the only living Top. Jamie Foxx and Ne-Yo join them... even though Boyz II Men are in attendance and are nominated for their Motown tribute album. Jamie, step away from the microphone.
• The Grammys really have the pulse on today's music: Jonas Brothers. Miley. Lil Wayne... and Neil Diamond! Everybody! "Sweet Caroline... ba ba ba..." I am a little concerned he's doing some weird speak-sing version that sounds like bad karaoke. But it has Paul McCartney singing along, so it must be (So) good(! So good! So good!).
  
• No word yet if B.B. King was checking his blood sugar during his performance. I would have appreciated a follow-up appearance by Wilford Brimley for an impromptu PSA on diabetes.
• A recap on Stevie's night: Back-up singer for Jonas Brothers. Closing act in which his song is used for background music on a Delta commercial and then plays while everyone walks out.
  

To discuss post-birthday thoughts, including 911 and Chris Martin

I turned 26 on Friday (or, as my mom aptly put it, "Your second quarter-century has begun.") Thanks for all of the birthday wishes, including those of you who, upon hearing my age, have entered a midlife crisis.

Past birthday events:

• Around 9 or 10: I had just arrived home with my mom from Pizza Hut, where she had bought me a Personal Pan Pizza- quite possibly a perfect meal for that age. It was at that point that the phone rang. A 911 emergency official was on the line, asking if everything was OK at our house. Was this some new government courtesy? No. My younger brother had prank-called 911 and told them we had a rattlesnake in our garage. Might I remind you we grew up in Pennsylvania. Apparently, my brother confused our house with the set of "Hey Dude."... My parents spent the rest of my birthday reprimanding my brother and making him write an apology letter. I sat alone in my room and ate my pizza.
• Age 21: Legal drinking age had finally come. My friends had been excited to watch me consume my first alcoholic drink, as I had abstained from drinking thus far because of a dislike for the smell of beer, a sense of moral duty and a Very Special Episode of Blossom. So, I bought one: A Mike's Hard Lemonade. You got it- my first alcoholic beverage had less alcohol in it than cough syrup. This would be like me buying cocaine, except the bag contained powdered sugar.
  
• Age 25: At this point, in Connecticut, I had no girlfriend and no friends that lived nearby. I spent my birthday working, then going home alone. I spent the night working out at the gym. I believe I bought myself a cupcake. It was the equivalent of a girl taking herself to prom and standing by the punch bowl all night.
  
• Age 26: Capricorn knows how to treat a man. She got me ice cream cake-- it's my favorite, as it goes straight to my hips and my thighs. We went bowling, watched a movie (Hamlet 2, which includes the classic song, "Rock Me Sexy Jesus." I plan on asking my church's worship team to add it to their repertoire), and ate, ate ate. This included a stop at the mall, which requires its own bullet points...
• A sales clerk in a clothing store was walking by us when she stopped and stared at my face. Normally, this is because the person is confused that I have a Jewish nose but blue eyes, which would have given Hitler fits.... But she simply said, "You look exactly like (Coldplay's) Chris Martin. Did anyone ever tell you that?" "No, normally, it's Michael Phelps," I said with a certain degree of pot shame. Capricorn then realized if I'm Chris Martin, that makes her Gwyneth. I then became happy the clerk didn't compare me to Joel Madden.
  
• Capricorn discovered this wooden bracelet at a store. Evidently, the manufacturer gave up on the design and just carved a hole in a square.

What's your weirdest birthday experience?
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Coming up this week: Grammy coverage... What I Learned from Cosmo... a TV Play by Play of something or other (Making the Band?)... Valentine's Day thoughts.