Thursday, February 12, 2009

To discuss what I learned from Cosmo- March

So, in all the craziness of the past few weeks, I missed doing a review of Cosmo's February edition, which comes out in January (naturally). But I would not let another edition go by without giving you its precious info, so here's What I Learned from Cosmo: March edition. As always, if you wouldn't normally read Cosmo smut, then don't read this, or just read it anyway and pretend I forced you:
  • "Ovulation alerts: You can now get text messages... to notify you when you're likely to be most fertile." Is it possible to have that same text message sent to the guys so they can "coincidentally" be out of town?
  • "Red-Carpet Confidence: Who Has It" One of their examples is Rihanna. I'm guessing this was before Chris Brown tried to make his hand Run it, Run it on her face. Just a guess, but Chris might not have a career anymore.
  • This is the first issue in months in which the "Sexy vs. Skanky" section did not include Danity Kane's Aubrey. Good thing there's a new season of Making the Band about to begin! Heeyyooo!
  • "Guy Confessions" A guy starts doing his girlfriend on a dumpster and then is surprised when the lid falls and knocks the girl in... How trashy. I'm fairly certain there is no good experience that starts with "So I was doing this girl on a dumpster" that ends well.
  • "Read Between His Lines... He says, "Let's just be friends... He Means, "We can still sleep together, but I'm not buying you dinner." No, Cosmo, he means, "I am terrified of how stalker-ish you've become and I'm suspecting you follow me home from work everyday, so can we please just be friends, peacefully, because I have a fear you're going to murder me in my sleep. And, yes, we can still do it."
  • Cosmo, please stop telling women there are "Fashion must-haves." A $225 skirt and $98 handbag in a recession? That's a must-have? Is it alright for me to blame the credit crunch on Cosmo?
  • Beauty Q&A "How can I get my man to moisturize without embarrassing him?" Might I suggest throwing a bucket of water in his face every day when he gets home from work. Or let him eat butter off of you. But make it I Can't Believe It's Not Butter to reduce the calories-- no one likes a porker.
  • "Unlock his emotions by asking: If you could relive one childhood moment, which would it be?" Oh, that's just a great idea. Bring up that time when all the other kids made fun of his clothes, or how he never got invited to parties. He'll love that.
  • "Sex secrets that should stay that way-'I fantasize about a Jonas Brothers foursome.'" Wait, did Capricorn write that?
  • "His 'boys' are actually tougher than you think." False! False! Do not encourage women to kick me in the groin, Cosmo!
  • "Does a curved penis signal a problem?" Yes, it means his penis is broken. If it looks like a question mark, there's probably a question if it works.
  • "How many erections a day should a guy have?" Is there a limit? Should I be counting these things? Maybe the question should be, "Where is it inappropriate for my guy to get an erection?" I can answer this, based on experience. The answer includes words such as "church," "county fairs," and "doctor's exams."


Amy xxoo said...

A Jonas Brothers foursome ? That woman needs to get her head checked.
And also... ovulation alerts ? Are they kidding ? Who in the hell is monitoring you so closely that they can alert you to when you're ovulating? Whoever they are, maybe they need the " Can we please just be friends/ i think your a stalker " chat....

Paula said...

Once again, you've saved me reading the damn thing.

Thank you!!! :)

stealthnerd said...

This continues to be my favorite feature of yours.

As for the dude on the dumpster, I think I'd like to meet that chick. And by meet her I mean explain to her that she is DIRTY and is giving all of womankind a bad name...not to mention giving herself some strain of nasty dumpster disease.

TishTash said...

"I'm fairly certain there is no good experience that starts with "So I was doing this girl on a dumpster" that ends well."

This is true, unless: "So I was doing this girl on a dumpster. Her name was Natalie Portman and I found $100,000 in small bills."

SouthernBelle said...

Oh man, that dumpster sex story is gross.

Also, there is a butter substitute by my local supermarket brand called Butter It's Not!

I'm not even kidding.

Jess said...

I haven't bought a Cosmo since I started reading your blog. Thank you for saving me that money, every month.

Anonymous said...

It's been quite a few months since I've picked up an issue of Cosmo - I blame the recession - but I might have to shell out my $5 for this one.

Why? MARISA FUCKING MILLER. I'm shocked you didn't mention the supermodel on the cover, and only the most gorgeous woman ever. No joke, she's totally my femme-crush, hardcore. I'd turn lesbian in a heartbeat.

Astharis said...

Oh Cosmo... You never fail to give me an insight into what I should be thinking/doing.

How misguided I must be to have never had sex on/in/in the vicinity of a dumpster... For shame!

LBluca77 said...

I know technology has advanced but a text telling me at that moment I am fertile is kinda scary but also fantastic. That is when I will locking myself in my apartment and you know keeping the legs closed.

Erections days?!?! I thought boys woke up to that everyday? Am I wrong?

kate said...

Thank you for letting me save the 4.99 (or whatever it is nowadays) by reading this instead of buying the actual magazine. Now if you could recap Glamour, I'd be all set!

Thomas said...

I hate Cosmo. So much. The only thing I like about it is this post.

And the average man gets 12 1/3 erections a day.

James said...

The real question has to be: what did he do after she fell in?

Did he do the gentlemanly thing by dusting her off and carrying on, manfully ignoring the pungent smell of week-old sauerkraut?

Or did he run off, giggling like a 5 year old smacked-up on blue M&M's and gator-aid, to tell his mates?

Racquel Valencia said...

Yeah, falling in that dumpster really sucked...

Little Ms Blogger said...

OMG... I love your Cosmo recaps...they make me LMAO...

Sex on the dumpster gives a whole new meaning to dumpster diving.

I really think you should be fair and do a recap from Capricorn's perspective of Maxim.

sj said...

i was waiting for something about the headline text: "is he normal down there?"

so i'll offer it: "no."

i loved this, of course.

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