To discuss what I learned from Cosmo- March

So, in all the craziness of the past few weeks, I missed doing a review of Cosmo's February edition, which comes out in January (naturally). But I would not let another edition go by without giving you its precious info, so here's What I Learned from Cosmo: March edition. As always, if you wouldn't normally read Cosmo smut, then don't read this, or just read it anyway and pretend I forced you:

• "Ovulation alerts: You can now get text messages... to notify you when you're likely to be most fertile." Is it possible to have that same text message sent to the guys so they can "coincidentally" be out of town?
• "Red-Carpet Confidence: Who Has It" One of their examples is Rihanna. I'm guessing this was before Chris Brown tried to make his hand Run it, Run it on her face. Just a guess, but Chris might not have a career anymore.
  
• This is the first issue in months in which the "Sexy vs. Skanky" section did not include Danity Kane's Aubrey. Good thing there's a new season of Making the Band about to begin! Heeyyooo!
• "Guy Confessions" A guy starts doing his girlfriend on a dumpster and then is surprised when the lid falls and knocks the girl in... How trashy. I'm fairly certain there is no good experience that starts with "So I was doing this girl on a dumpster" that ends well.
• "Read Between His Lines... He says, "Let's just be friends... He Means, "We can still sleep together, but I'm not buying you dinner." No, Cosmo, he means, "I am terrified of how stalker-ish you've become and I'm suspecting you follow me home from work everyday, so can we please just be friends, peacefully, because I have a fear you're going to murder me in my sleep. And, yes, we can still do it."
• Cosmo, please stop telling women there are "Fashion must-haves." A $225 skirt and $98 handbag in a recession? That's a must-have? Is it alright for me to blame the credit crunch on Cosmo?
• Beauty Q&A "How can I get my man to moisturize without embarrassing him?" Might I suggest throwing a bucket of water in his face every day when he gets home from work. Or let him eat butter off of you. But make it I Can't Believe It's Not Butter to reduce the calories-- no one likes a porker.
  
• "Unlock his emotions by asking: If you could relive one childhood moment, which would it be?" Oh, that's just a great idea. Bring up that time when all the other kids made fun of his clothes, or how he never got invited to parties. He'll love that.
• "Sex secrets that should stay that way-'I fantasize about a Jonas Brothers foursome.'" Wait, did Capricorn write that?
• "His 'boys' are actually tougher than you think." False! False! Do not encourage women to kick me in the groin, Cosmo!
  
• "Does a curved penis signal a problem?" Yes, it means his penis is broken. If it looks like a question mark, there's probably a question if it works.
  
• "How many erections a day should a guy have?" Is there a limit? Should I be counting these things? Maybe the question should be, "Where is it inappropriate for my guy to get an erection?" I can answer this, based on experience. The answer includes words such as "church," "county fairs," and "doctor's exams."