To discuss a Maxim review: February 2010

Despite being eminently popular with Google searches, I haven't had the chance to do a Maxim review lately. And then, when I finally get to do one, Amanda Bynes is on the cover. What do I have to do to get away from Amanda Bynes? First Cosmo, now this. And that cover photo looks like she just woke up at an all-night study session that ended in a half-naked mistake. Oh well. It's the February 2010 Maxim review. Don't read on if you're offended by Maxim, scandalous photo links or Tiger Woods jokes.

• Reader letter: "Your models always wear the sexiest panties. Luckily my girlfriend puts me in charge of buying all her intimates. Where can i buy the stuff your ladies wear?" Let me translate: "OMG you guys, I want to buy panties just like the ones on your models. For, um, my *cough* girlfriend *cough*. Can I get them online so no one has to see me buy them?"
• Five Airlines That Cater to Your Every Vice: Porn- Alaska Airlines is one of the only wi-fi equipped airlines that does not block inappropriate content. So besides the crying baby, the morbidly obese seatmate, the loud cell phone talker and the snorer, I now have to deal with "party in his pants" guy? I hope he's not the one sitting beside the emergency exit, or "open the hatch" will be too many entendres to handle.
• Women of the World: Camila Tavare. I'm including this NSFW link for all the Google sexytime searchers, who, we now know, are going to view her near-naked picture while on Alaska Airlines. Camila may be incredibly sexy, but she's 20 years old. Which means she could have been born in 1990. Andddddddd flaccid.
• Michelle Branch was in Maxim? Whose next, Vanessa Carlton?
• Happy Valentine's Day... The world's sappiest holiday is the best night of the year for no-strings sex ... "Something about the fact that it was Valentine's Day made me feel way sluttier than normal," said Jenny, 25. And now the mystery is solved. We now know who gets all those "For a good time call..." messages in rest stop bathrooms. It's Jenny.
• Cover girl Amanda Bynes: OK, not to get too graphic, but the (non-nude) sheer dress in this photo makes it look like she has cameltoe. And, in a fun fact, did you know Nick Cannon was on "All That" with Amanda? Neither did Mariah. Mariah is going to stab that bitch.
• Bynes: ""Some people still see me as a kid, but I'm a 23-year-old woman now." The Olsen twins are legal, too, but that still makes it creepy.
  
• Tiger's temptress: A photo spread with Tiger's mistress, Jaimee Grubbs. Jaimee says her first time with Tiger was "passionate and sweet." That sound you heard was Elin smashing an eight iron on Tiger's golf cart. BTW, Jaimee is not an attractive woman. Why has this not been brought up?
  
• 31 Things You Absolutely Did Not Need to Know: Snippets from real celeb autobiographies. Sarah Palin "If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?" Actually, he made them out of carbon, but why get technical. Carbon tastes delicious after a 20 minutes on the grill.
  
• For my British readers: London native Keeley Hazell, who is famous for being a Page 3 Girl (a semi-nude model) in The Sun newspaper. Clearly, I'm working at the wrong type of newspaper. Keeley says her big chest causes big backaches. This assuredly is true, but Maxim readers probably don't want to her busty girls say there back hurts. What's next, that girls don't like going down on guys?