To discuss letters to various things of varying degrees of importance

Dear Amy Adams:

Please enclose a check for $1 to cover the Blockbuster Express fee from renting your movie, "Leap Year."

Considering the horrendous green screen special effects, the plot holes, the ridiculously stereotypical Irish jokes, the lackluster dialogue and the waste of your talents, I think we can agree it's a fair deal.

Thanks,

Andy

Dear America's Next Top Model:

Ann? Really?

Regrets,

Andy

Dear Christmas:

I have agreed to listen to your music this year at the present time, after you force fed it to me for weeks.

But I did not agree to the corresponding increase in parking and traffic volume. It is not acceptable. Please inform holiday shoppers they can buy most of that stuff online for the same price.

Yuletides,

Andy

Dear Harry Potter Deathly Hallows:

Who knew that I'd get shut out of seeing you last Saturday because you were sold out, a week after being released?

But I saw you Monday, and, despite not being a hardcore, wet in the pants Harry Potter-aholic, I still greatly enjoyed you. You do a great job at developing memorable characters, and Alan Rickman is always a delight.

Plus, you randomly had Hermione in a nude scene that I may or may not be too old to enjoy.

See you next time.

Love,

Muggle

Dear Nail That Was in My Tire:

Nails have two purposes: Holding things together, and being strewn about parking lots to be rolled over by tires.

At least I could plug up the hole you created. But you are not getting a Christmas gift from me.

Jerk.

Dear Love And Other Drugs:

I found you to be enjoyable and well-acted. And you put Parkinson's in the public eye.

Anne Hathaway couldn't have been more naked if she had just been born. Good God, y'all. That is a pretty lady.

Wishing it was in 3D,

Andy

Dear Natalie Portman:

I look forward to seeing your new movie, Black Swan, whenever I get the chance.

But if you don't return my calls, it's going to be very hard to continue to fake date you without your knowledge. You are evidently not very good at sexting.

Love,

Your admirer

To discuss answers to questions that need no answers

Do you know Thomas? Well, you should, if only for his amazing blog title. As a bonus, he lives in South Africa, which, I'm told, is in the southern part of Africa.
Well, he tagged me playground style and asked five questions. Since it's been about two weeks since he asked, I feel I am the appropriate amount of fashionably late to the answer party. JenBun also tagged me for this exercise, and I can't disappoint her.
Here we go.... If you would like me ask you five new questions, leave a comment saying so.

1) Where does the toe tag go on a dead person if they don't have toes?
It should be fashioned into a nice ankle bracelet. But why do we still use toe tags? That's all the technology the morgue can come up with? Why can't we just laser etch a bar code on the foot and scan it like we're at Target... that would be more effective AND it creates the possibility of an inaccurate scan, which means you could get the dead body at a lower price.
2) Do dentists go to other dentists or do they just do it themselves?
Do gynecologists do it themselves? On second thought, they might. I do wonder if dentists will only date people with nice teeth. Would a cavity ruin an otherwise perfect woman? What if the dentist loves everything about their partner, but he has meth mouth.... And, you know, that whole meth addiction thing.
3) Isn’t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
This reminds me of the game, Mouse Trap, which took about an hour to set up and 20 minutes to play. More fun: When I was a kid, my dad found a mouse in our kitchen. Rather than set a mouse trap, he lured the mouse into the dishwasher, tossed in our cat and waited until the cat caught the mouse. True story. He did not turn the dishwasher on. At least I don't think so, although that cat always looked spotless.
4) If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"
And they say "Holy person!" when they're scared? Doubt it, although I'm too busy eating cows for me to ponder what they are thinking. If God didn't want me to eat cows, He wouldn't make them taste so good. Wait, is that wrong to say? I don't want to offend people with certain beliefs...Let me rephrase: If Allah didn't want me to eat cows... ah, forget it.

And the real cruncher:
5) How fast do hotcakes actually sell?
Not as fast as this girl can sell her virginity. People may get mad at her for compromising her principles, but I see a shrewd girl with a grip on a tight market. I'm considering selling precious parts of my life, too. For only $48.99 a day, you can have a time share of my dog.Warning: He may pee on things. And bite strangers. And resemble a Mexican Gremlin.

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Thanks to all those who gave me some blog love in recent weeks, including Paula at Insert My Blog Name Here, who is always funny. She gave me a nice Lemonade award. I already gave out a ton of awards earlier this month, so I'll keep these to myself, perhaps to cuddle with on cold nights.

And if you're a new reader, why don't you leave a comment today so I know you're a real person and not someone trying to leave me spam about an amazing offer I can't refuse? I think I missed the "De-lurking Day" train, but hop aboard anyway.

Now, the real challenge: My birthday is in less than two weeks, and I don't see you preparing. Get to it. In related news, I'll be turning an age that would officially classify me as "Too Old to Join the Cast of the Real World" and "Too Old To Shop at Aeropostale and Old Navy."